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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Traumatic evening *trigger warning DV*

49 replies

shadesofgrey24 · 15/12/2019 00:00

Should I stick with my very troubled husband?? My DH of 15 years is prone to bouts of heavy drinking and they often lead to big showdowns where he says he wants a divorce! He says he loves me but my moods drive him mad.
He is a very volatile man, loving and kind most of the time but can snap very quickly if I annoy him... when he's had a drink it can be very frightening.
I've held my family together for nearly 20 years - my DD is 22 (previous marriage) and our DS is 15. However our son witnessed the aftermath of his dad striking me and pushing me off the breakfast bar stool this evening following his screaming and shouting! I honestly thought he was going to seriously injure me he was so angry! I try to pacify him every time, I hate confrontation.
I've clung onto this man every time he has got aggressive (at least 3-3 times a year) and said he wants to leave me but I really feel that this is giving my kids the wrong message and I am failing myself!
I self harmed myself today as knew there was a huge fight building and I never seem to have the strength to say - ok let's get divorced!
Please - has anyone any words of wisdom? I'm broken tonight ...

OP posts:
SFC7676 · 15/12/2019 02:18

You have a breakfast bar? Leave him.
Seriously though - for your safety, for the sake of your sanity and the wellbeing of your son, you already know what you need to do. Don't put it off thinking things will improve - every time you forgive him, each time he faces no consequences for his actions, he becomes more dangerous.
Please contact Victim Support - at least talk through what's been happening with someone who can offer practical advice
Hotline: 0808 506 3292

Laterthanyouthink · 15/12/2019 02:44

I was the 15 year old in this situation, I had plans to stab my father. Instead I left home two years later and didn't go back.

Topseyt · 15/12/2019 02:54

Please leave him. Get help from the police t Women's Aid.

You need to get yourself and your son away from the influence of this arsewipe.

Helpfullilly · 15/12/2019 03:06

I think it would be best for you and your son to leave this abusive man. I think it vital to limit the ongoing damage to your son, as well as to yourself (it's child abuse to hurt you in front of him). However, please be careful about how you do this. When you leave an abuser is when you are most at risk of serious harm. My father said he wanted to leave my mum at times, but when she tried to leave he refused to let her go. I was scared for our lives at times. There were months of emotional torment.

I'd strongly encourage you to speak to Women's Aid and think about how to leave safely, anticipating worst case scenarios. Get legal advice, make plans, consider calling the police next time he assaults you.

One of the worst things for me was how no one in our house acted as if the violence was abnormal or wrong. My parents tried to act as if nothing had happened afterwards. I remember one time desperately wanting to call the police but being scared of how it would change our lives and of my mum not telling the truth, and what he'd do to me in that instance. I felt I couldn't talk to her about it. And then I was worried I had it all wrong because maybe he wasn't violent enough for it to count? I think if you can speak to your son and acknowledge what your husband did is wrong and not okay, and listen to how he feels, that could go a long way to helping him emotionally. It's so confusing and awful. You can feel so alone with it as a child in these households. He also likely is aware of a lot more than you think. Sometimes as a teen/young adult I'd wake at night to raised voices and stand by my bedroom door in the dark crying, not knowing what to do.

My mum is so, so much happier away from my father. We are all free now, and while sometimes things are still hard leaving is the best thing she ever did, for herself or us. A crushing weight has lifted. I don't think any of us have ever enjoyed life as much. So, it can get better. Really. You don't have to live this way.

Thinking of you and your DS. Stay safe.

Helpfullilly · 15/12/2019 03:14

By us I mean my brother and I. I have needed specialist trauma counselling due to incidents like the one you describe. I saw something very similar around this age and I thought he was going to kill her due to his manner. I had flash backs as an adult alongside other potential PTSD symptoms due to my upbringing. If my mum had left then I'd have had less to try and repair or deal with as an adult. My dad wasn't violent daily or weekly, either. As in your case it was quite spread out, but you lived in fear every day all year round because of what you knew he might do and was capable of doing. It was always there in the background to our lives.

You can change that for yourself and your son.

Purpleartichoke · 15/12/2019 04:29

It’s very simple. You leave.

You show your son that this is unacceptable. You show your son that if a man treats a partner like this, the relationship must end.

cantfindname · 15/12/2019 05:25

Can I just pop in to add how quickly children are affected by witnessing violence between parents?

My partner dated a woman before he met me, she had suffered a lot of DV and was finally free of her ex. Her children were aged 7 and 5. They were going up the stairs and my partner saw the 7 yo boy hit the 5 yo girl very hard and push her back down. He told him that his behaviour was wrong and that boys should never hit girls and hitting/pushing anyone was never the answer. The boy replied that it was fine as that is what his Dad did to his Mum all the time because women are so stupid.

That's how easily a child can learn this awful behaviour.

Get out OP. I know your child is much older but you still don't want him witnessing this sort of thing. Either your son will copy in the future or he will be so eaten up by fear for your safety that his life will be adversely affected.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2019 05:59

Please do get out of this relationship. You and your ds are worth so much more. Staying has already caused untold damage to both your children.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/12/2019 06:30

Leave him. He’s not a good dh or father.

rhubarbcrumbles · 15/12/2019 06:45

Get the hell out of there - or preferably get him the hell out of there. You and your family deserve so much better.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 15/12/2019 06:51

If you cant leave for your own sake, please do it for your children's.
You can control if they have to live with this too.
Is that what you want?

NabooThatsWho · 15/12/2019 07:06

You need to leave for your own safety and for your sons well-being. The way you are living is not normal although you may have become a bit numb to it.

Imagine the future of being free from this man, peace and tranquility in your own space. A lovely life for your son with no fear.

It’s hard to leave but you can do it xx

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 15/12/2019 07:32

Is this the behaviour you want your son modelling his on?

If you won't leave for yourself, leave for him.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/12/2019 07:44

Is this what you want your son to be like as a husband?

Orangecake123 · 15/12/2019 07:46
Flowers

You deserve so much better than this OP. Please leave. I grew up in a house like this and witnessing your mother being attacked is traumatic. It will be hard no one is saying that, but you will wake up one day and thank yourself for having the courage to take the first step. Please phone women's aid. You don't have to do it alone.

Ultimately it's your choice-if you do choose to "stay for the kids", I can promise you your kids will spend hours crying in a therapists office because they never felt safe at home- whilst your daughter is also learning that this is normal in relationships.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 15/12/2019 07:47

I think your children will resent you for this, why on earth would you stick with it when he's miserable, your scared and miserable and your kids are going to be negatively impacted.

Monty27 · 15/12/2019 07:53

Get rid. Today.

AdaColeman · 15/12/2019 08:08

Leave him before he kills you.

lowlandLucky · 15/12/2019 08:08

If you stay think of the message you are sending to your Son.Do you want him to think that the behaviour he witnessed last night is acceptable. Your Husband is a wife beater. Go before he either seriously hurts or kills you

Hoppinggreen · 15/12/2019 08:25

He’s not troubled, he’s abusive
It’s awful that your son has to witness this. Mil left her husband (DH) father after many years of drunken violence because DH age 13 tried to intervene and while he wasn’t hurt she could see what might have happened
If you don’t feel strong enough to leave for yourself please do it for your son

lottiegarbanzo · 15/12/2019 08:37

Why would you stay?

You sound as though you think you've 'failed' to change who your H is, to make him a different, better person. No-one has the power to change anybody else. He is who he is - and he alone is responsible for his actions.

Jux · 15/12/2019 14:24

Yes, please leave him. His violence will escalate, and you will end up permanently disabled, perhaps eve dead. Take your son and leave.

But first, have a talk with ds and find out how he felt, how he feels and what sort of life he wants, what sort of life he has and what sort of message he's taking from this.

Then ring Women's Aid and your police DV Unit on 101. Between the 3 of you, you will be able to make a reasonable and SAFE plan to get away.

ShadowOnTheSun · 15/12/2019 15:57

Oh OP. Please read the countless threads started by people who grew up with drinking abusive parent(s). It's not a nice read. Every single one of them is affected by this one way or another.

My father was like this (and much worse). His father, my grandfather, too (although my brother and me didn't see him much and don't have a relationship). My brother didn't grow up aggressive towards women, but has no relationship with them (lots of issues). He hates father and wanted to beat him up many times (didn't do it so far). I also have lots of issues myself.

Honestly, the worst part for me personally was the silence before storm. When it's past his work hours, and he's not home (this happened very often). That means he's drinking somewhere. Everybody is walking on eggshells, not knowing whether he'd come back home at all or not (50/50 chance). Then you hear the key turning in the lock. Everything's quiet, you can slice the air with a knife. He comes in. If he's aggressive straight away, then you grab your stuff and run. Sometimes in the middle of the night, in the snow (this is not UK), sometimes barefoot. If he's happy and sing-y, that's even worse. Because you know that at some point he'll flip. He always did. It's horrific for the kids.

My mother didn't leave. Grandmother didn't either. They both are still with them. And my brother and I quietly resent them for it as they didn't protect us when they should have.

Branleuse · 15/12/2019 16:01

you cant stay now. Your boy must have been terrified. A father is who teachers a boy what sort of man to be, You cant have this. Your husband is dangerous and could kill you in rage

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