Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

OH and Christmas presents

76 replies

theworldhasgonecrazy1 · 14/12/2019 22:56

I really enjoy Christmas and giving presents I think people will like and have put a lot of effort into finding thoughtful things for OH. This morning he came in and said that he'd logged into my amazon account and looked at my order history to see what I had got him. I'm really annoyed and have said that I'm returning his presents as he's ruined the surprise and taken the excitement away from Christmas. I know we're adults but I also know that he doesn't get presents from his family and hasn't for quite a few years. This is our first proper Christmas together with DD and I wanted to make it special. AIBU for not wanting to bother getting him anything?

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 15/12/2019 00:32

But that is controlling, OP. So is telling you what he's bought you when he knows you don't want to know.

eaglejulesk · 15/12/2019 00:37

He's been a dick, but don't over-react by returning his gifts or not getting him anything. We are all different, and I'm sure he will appreciate the gifts. Not everyone loves surprises. YABU

NotAVirtue · 15/12/2019 00:39

How does him not liking surprises give him the right to log onto OP's account and check what she's bought him?

It's a dick move from him.

notangelinajolie · 15/12/2019 00:42

I'm livid for you. Send it back and replace with socks and underpants.

NearlyGranny · 15/12/2019 00:43

We had a massive, life-changing falling out over a decade ago when I was buying laptops as an 18th birthday surprise for our student twins. He TOLD them. Worse, he then came to me and said he thought they should know in advance as it would ease the stress of them sharing the single home computer in the meantime. I said no, it was to be a surprise. He didn't confess but hurried off the enjoin them to silence, so then I had three people keeping a bad secret from me.

Inevitably, the day we went into town to buy them, the realisation broke that they had known all along. I felt such a fool. It wasn't the surprise being spoiled so much as the deception about having told them.

Instead of apologising for deceiving me, he told me I was ridiculous and petty, that surprise presents were childish and self-indulgent for the giver.

Well OK. I did not stop buying him presents. I stopped all the surprise element. I ask him what he wants for Christmas/birthday, give him a budget and tell him to order it himself. When it comes, he can do what he likes, have it then or later. I don't want to handle it. I won't wrap it or present it to him. He got what he wanted.

The stupid thing is that he actually loves surprises when they're for him. If he'd been honest in that first conversation and just said, "It's too late - I already told them!" instead of scuttling off to do a cover-up, he'd still be getting surprises. But since it was always really about my pleasure, according to him, I deny myself and do things the way he claimed to approve.

I wouldn't cancel his presents, OP, I'd just hand them over without a comment whenever they arrive, in the postal packaging. No fancy wrapping, nothing under the tree, no presentation.

See how he likes them apples.

Make sure he knows you want all the anticipation, secrets, surprise, pretty paper etc etc and expect mysterious packages under the tree and all the fun of unwrapping. If he feels flat and left out, he'll make sure not to look next Christmas!

DH confessed to being the kid who sneakily looked on top of the wardrobe, even carefully unwrapping and secretly playing with his toys so they were basically secondhand by the time he officially got them. Obviously never grew up.

Nubbled · 15/12/2019 00:46

I’ve been married for over 30 years, and my husband can’t access my Amazon account. 🤨

NearlyGranny · 15/12/2019 00:51

Oh, and I stopped telling him what I was getting the kids. They all love surprises so I made sure he couldn't ever spoil it for them again.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 15/12/2019 01:05

@NearlyGranny I'm outraged on your behalf. That's horrendous. I'm sorry.

My DH has serious present issues when it comes to the kids. They shouldn't have anything they didn't ask for, according to him. That means we have had blazing rows. They are young children, 4 and 6, they write letters to santa and they get some things from the list and some surprises. Dh thinks this is all about me and not about them and I'm basically an arsehole.
It means I can't get him to wrap presents with me, because he will criticise every single present.
I can't ask other people to help me because they will wonder why my dh isn't helping me, and the situation is just odd enough that I feel embarrassed and I can't really explain it.
I'll never really get over it. I put so much time and care and effort into picking presents for the kids, especially when they were too young to even have any idea, or when they were too young to write lists, and he would sneer and point out the kids hadn't asked for what I'd bought them.

So joyless and sort of... Holier than thou.

MissMoan · 15/12/2019 02:50

I would wrap up something really crappy (Try the reductions in Poundland) and give him that on Christmas Day, citing that you've returned the Amazon gifts as there was no point giving them to him being as he spoiled the surprise. If he is apologetic then maybe give him the gifts a few days later.

QuiteForgetful · 15/12/2019 07:05

Is it because he can't wait? If under the tree, would he be peeking? I wouldn't send them back probably, but would be quite disappointed he ruined my surprises for him.

freeingNora · 15/12/2019 07:06

I'm actually shocked at the number of women whose husband/partner is set to ruin this for them because "it's all about them" wtf. So what if it is what does it actually matter if your reward for all the grunt work parenting is to pull surprises at christmas. Why do they have to be in control of the atmosphere.!!

Anyone who spoils a surprise is a glory hunter in their own right they just have to trump the surpriser and get the good reaction for themselves

It sad that their behaviour is seen as acceptable

NearlyGranny · 15/12/2019 09:46

What freeingNora says! ^

And all of this posting, sulking, undermining and general sabotage around Christmas and birthday gifts is about one thing, I think: wrecking you plans when it isn't solely about them.

I don't think it's coincidence that this is OP's first precious Christmas with their DD. Somebody is jealous of the attention the baby is getting and finding subtle ways to punish OP for it. It's an interpretation.

NearlyGranny · 15/12/2019 09:46

Pouting, not posting!

Sunflowersok · 15/12/2019 09:54

Oh no you are not being unreasonable here, that’s kind of a betrayal on your part? All the work you put in to in thinking and ordering gifts and he’s just barricaded in there and ruined it for himself and you. I’d be upset too

converseandjeans · 15/12/2019 09:56

YANBU but I wouldn't send them back. He just has to get those gifts now. It will cost you postage to send back.
YABU for buying everything from Amazon!

notthemum · 15/12/2019 10:23

Exactly what BeanTownNancy said.
Petty bitches rule

Booboostwo · 15/12/2019 10:29

He's been silly but he only ruined the surprise for himself so no skin off your back.

mummmy2017 · 15/12/2019 10:30

My ex got DD a pink diary the electronic one. He opened it at work so they could all see and try it. Livid.
The my children asked for a PS, daddy opened it at his house ,set it up and used it, for a month, then tried to blackmail the children into not wanting one, when it arrived wrapped the games history outed it as used by him.

puds11 · 15/12/2019 10:35

You sound like a child. I always try and find out what my gifts are as I fucking hate surprises and the thought of opening gifts in front of people without knowing what it is makes me feel physically sick.

Why can’t people accept not everyone likes surprises! Also if you don’t have much money why waste it buying stuff he doesn’t want!

itsmecathycomehome · 15/12/2019 10:38

Sabotaging Christmas. Has no understanding of Christmas. Furious. Controlling behaviour. Dick. Livid. Outraged. Horrendous. Sulking. Wrecking your plans. Jealous of his baby. Betrayal.

It kind of feels like a lot of hyperbole about someone snooping on their own Christmas presents.

It doesn't sound like Christmas was a big deal in his family. It doesn't sound like he's bothered about his gifts being surprises. It's disappointing yes, but it's none of the overreactions above.

MistyCloud · 15/12/2019 11:00

@MissMoan

I would wrap up something really crappy (Try the reductions in Poundland)

They have REDUCTIONS in POUNDLAND? Confused

What fresh hell is this?!

Hoppinggreen · 15/12/2019 11:02

I would let them arrive and then just leave them on the kitchen table still unopened in the Amazon packaging and say “those are for you”
I’m a pretty bitch too (no autocorrect, just love the phrase)

MistyCloud · 15/12/2019 11:05

Agree with @Hoppinggreen ^

MistyCloud · 15/12/2019 11:05

Agree with @Hoppinggreen. ^

Shoxfordian · 15/12/2019 11:05

Does he not understand how giving presents works? He's a knob

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread