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AIBU?

To think my 'friend' is odd?

58 replies

DidYouSayTea · 13/12/2019 20:45

Ok so I have name changed for this, but please bare with me.
I'm going to call this friend Susan, just so I don't slip up with her real name.

So I met Susan through a medical professional. We both have a medical condition (quite common, one in 103 people have it, don't want to say in case it's too outing) and Susan's Dr told her about how she had looked after a patient (me) who was 'inspiring' 'helpful' and very 'knowledgeable' about said condition. Dr asked if I was happy to talk to her as Susan was very isolated, had lost her job, didn't have any friends etc so I said yeah why not, here's my email. She's 30yo.

She got in touch with me and I really liked Susan, she showed interest in how I have managed to keep a job, how I am married, own a house. She was really nice, and we got talking more and eventually I said she could text me.
So that brings us to today.
I get daily texts off her that are sometimes ok, she'll say 'It's your favourite type of weather today' (Cold crisp mornings-LOVE them!)
'Hows DH getting on at work?' you know normal things.
Then she started to say 'I think I need to go on X drug that you're on' and I'm like 'But you said you were doing OK, why do you need to go on X drug?'
And Susan will be all like 'Well I think I might be going downhill again and that drug works for you' and then she'll contact me again saying she's spoken to the Dr and they asked her symptoms and she told them the symptoms I have and weird shit like that.
Then sometimes if I reply and don't out a 'X' on the end of a text she says weird stuff like 'I don't like it when you don't put a kiss it makes me feel like I have annoyed you' and she will message me at like 1am with things like 'Do you ever feel like you're so alone and that people are so lucky to not have medical problems' and 'Do you ever get depressed and think what's the point?' 'Someone at the shop today started talking to me about X condition and she thinks she has it really hard but has she seen us and what we go through' it's like she's looking to please me or something, and I just don't know what to do??
AIBU to want to block her number? I probably haven't given enough info but does she sound odd to you too?
She also asks me things like when did you lose your vaginity or when did you have your first kiss.
This isn't a joke btw this is deadly serious and I need your advise haha

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Schuyler · 13/12/2019 22:18

I think your doctor is far odder and has very poor professional boundaries. Is s/he a GP?

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Cocobean30 · 13/12/2019 22:33

I would be reporting her behaviour to the doctor seeing as he is responsible for this.

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recycledbottle · 13/12/2019 22:35

Susan sounds lonely and socially awkward. That is not your problem though. If you are going to remove her from your life, perhaps do so gently. Blocking her is not gentle.not responding for many hours, very short replies, then not responding is maybe better.

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RainRainGoAwayComeAgain · 13/12/2019 23:11

I'd agree with many of the posters, I also feel a little bit sorry for Susan too. She does sound lonely and very socially awkward. I think initially when I read your post I was thinking just block her, but I think that's harsh in this case. If you don't want to have a friendship of sorts with this woman I'd just phase her out slowly, so slow replies, short answers. Far better than blocking her which would be quite hurtful if she looks upon you as a friend (even if it isn't reciprocated).

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TobyParker · 13/12/2019 23:31

“Dear X,

Due to unexpected personal commitments which now need my full attention I won’t have any time or energy to read or reply to messages now or in the future. All the best - Y”

Then block everywhere (ignore if she gets through somehow).

Writing as someone who used to get involved in this kind of dynamic from both sides (being both awkward/needy myself and then being latched onto by awkward/needy people) you really can’t win by prolonging it.

Like a pp said she’s seeing you as some sort of saviour/therapist.

The trouble with this kind of unbalanced dynamic is that it’s not really like “normal close friends, one a bit awkward”.

I don’t think she actually likes you or has your best interests at heart or sees you as anything other than “source”?

she’s dehumanised you into “24/7 support source there to make me feel better” and ultimately you’ll end up going from slightly amused/surprised/feeling condescending to being harassed/bullied/resentful.

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LilQueenie · 14/12/2019 00:02

sounds like she has bad anxiety and that can hamper social skills. Its possible shes never had a relationship and noone to ask these questions with either.

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Maltesefalcon · 14/12/2019 00:03

Toby harsh I thought initially but you're probably right.

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CSIblonde · 14/12/2019 00:20

I'm shocked your Dr suggested this, it breaches data protection & patient confidentiality. I'd wonder what else they're lax about tbh. Susan is obviously isolated & socially awkward, I'd just gradually distance myself. She's not your responsibility & you should make your Dr aware of the repercussions of their unprofessional action.

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Dislocatedeyeballs · 14/12/2019 00:24

Didn't read she thread sorry but susan is desperately lonely and has no friends and noone she can talk to except you so I think rather than dismiss her as a bit of a loon encourage her to meet new people make new friends and join other groups so she isn't relying on you all the time once she has a friendship group she will be happier less needy and hopefully leave you alone a bit

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saraclara · 14/12/2019 00:52

You need to start to withdraw, and you also need to let the doctor know what effect his suggestion has had. He needs to know that this was a bad idea.

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Mjlp · 14/12/2019 01:31

To think my 'friend' is odd?

So she's not your 'friend'

And 'odd' is not a very nice way to describe someone.

She sounds socially awkward, but that doesn't mean she's odd. And she sounds very lonely.

Instead of pretending to be her friend and slagging her off behind her back on here, why no just stop messaging her and let her find a genuine friend.

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Bluerussian · 14/12/2019 02:19

I'm sure the doctor wouldn't have mentioned the op's name when she first floated the idea, she'd have spoken to her first.

This is all a bit much and the kiss (x) business is infantile, you're not the woman's mum! Try to build up some boundaries and get the relationship onto a more professional basis; if that doesn't work and she is really crowding you out, gradually withdraw from the friendship. She will already have been helped a lot by you.

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Bluerussian · 14/12/2019 02:24

To add, I really like 'vaginity', it sounds like a delicate, pastel shaded and maybe lightly fragranced flower. How sweet. I'm going to use that spelling from now on :).

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katewhinesalot · 14/12/2019 03:01

Ignore the personal questions and don't put a x at the. Reply abruptly and sporadically. Tall off. If she mentions it say ,"terribly busy at the moment, don't have time for chitchat."

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katewhinesalot · 14/12/2019 03:02

Tail

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LidiaM · 14/12/2019 03:06

or maybe shes .. you know. maybe she Likes you . fell in love with you. is there a chance she might have ?

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alexdgr8 · 14/12/2019 03:26

sounds like psychopathology to me.
be careful. distance yourself. be busy. sound boring, bored, vague. disengage. report your concerns to doc, and poss your work boss, if trustworthy, in case she turns up. has she definitely got this condition; rather than hypochondria,/ munchausens.
outright rejection could lead to violence.

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poppycity · 14/12/2019 04:29

Firm boundaries that way you can still be a support but not deal with anything that's not quite kosher.

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BlueJava · 14/12/2019 07:54

I think you need to be more frank than just taking longer to reply, she wont let go easily. Could you take more of a.therapist approach than friend approach? E.g. dont respond to personal question but say you find that too personal and dont want to share. Additionally start asking how she intends to move forward with things. Rather than saying what you do refer her to other agencies. Sefinitely put some boundaries in place.

Ultimately i think she is going to be difficult to shake off, i think you may well have to cut her off abruptly.

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pinkdelight · 14/12/2019 08:39

As you run a support group, it's strange that the GP didn't simply tell her about that instead of foisting this on you personally. She does sound very lonely but that's not for you to solve. She can return to the support group if she likes but I'd cut right back on the 'friendship'. Blocking is a bit extreme but you could say things have got really busy so you can't keep in touch so often and will see her at the support group if she wants to come back. And then as pp says, reduce the speed and frequency of responses till it tails off. If she confronts you about it or says the odd stuff about no x's, that's your chance to say you're finding her a bit much and need to reduce contact. Be kind but don't feel bad, you've already gone beyond what most people would do.

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DidYouSayTea · 14/12/2019 09:37

@Hazardexhausted I'll have some tea with that biscuit if you're offering

@AtrociousCircumstance I think because I am known for being the founder of a support group, the Dr thought it would be good. It's evidently good for Susan but I'm struggling. The Dr (GP) did ask me first before giving my email to her in his defence.

@MrsAgassi I have a pretty average life, nothing to be envious of at all really?

@ReanimatedSGB Thank you there are definitely more people saying be kind than there are saying step back, which is why I now feel a bit selfish. I'll maybe set boundaries like you say and take it from there

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DidYouSayTea · 14/12/2019 09:43

OO there's a mother page sorry I didn't realise. I should've checked before replying on the previous page.

@halloumi2019 yes I think I am her only friend actually, she has never said anything about anyone else. When she asks what I'm doing on the weekend and stuff, I'll be like I am going out with DH, or out with friends to a market or doing general everyday chores, she is always 'Stopping in' or 'going food shopping with mum'. I just feel odd being her support person (her sole support person) when I am 6 years younger than her. It feels strange giving life advise to an older person.

@pinkdelight thank you that is good advise. I feel like maybe I haven't been good enough but you know like you said, I offer a support group, there's plenty of people there for her to connect with. Lots of personalities etc. I'm just surprised she is so interested in talking to me.

@LidiaM genuinely didn't think of that.

@Mjlp I don't pretend to be her friend, I don't arrange to meet her, to have her come round for a coffee or anything. I've just been there like the GP advised her I would be. She hasn't had any part in my personal life as far as I'm concerned, not like a friend would.
It might seem like I am slagging her off but I just needed advise as I have never been in this situation before. I asked DH and he said block her, which is why I wanted to get some more advise before doing anything drastic like that.

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ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2019 09:43

People are ever so good at instructing others (especially women) to 'be kind' - by which they mean take on the burden of a whiny person's needs when it is of no benefit to them. You may have the professional responsibility of running a support group, but that doesn't mean you have to be available 24/7 to anyone who wants attention - your responsibility is to run the group.
Honestly, you don't have to look after this tiresome woman to the extent she is demanding from you.

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DryHeaving · 14/12/2019 09:53

What the fuck was your Dr thinking ? Please tell me you run a professional support group and are qualified to help her. Judging by this post I doubt it as boundaries would be firmly in place

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DidYouSayTea · 14/12/2019 09:54

@ReanimatedSGB thank you for understanding.

Out of all the people in the group, it is so rare that anyone contacts me outside of the group. The only emails or texts I ever get are either 'Hey sorry I won't be at the group this month as I have had a bad week' in which I would ask how they are, is there anything I could do. And they'll always say 'Not to worry I'll catch you at the group, enjoy your weekend ' or whatever. Every two-three months I will sometimes get a message asking for advise on issues at their workplace or something which I am fine with but Susan's messages are so excessive and almost to the point where I want to tell her to back off but to me that seems really cruel and I'd hate for her to feel totally dismissed but what do you do?

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