Was it offensive to refuse money?

[Moneyperson]

My aunt sent me an email that she wanted to send me hundreds of pounds for forgotten birthdays (to match what she'd given "the others" not sure who she means maybe my brother and cousins). She has given me lots of money in the past, but we don't see much of each other because we live in different countries.

I emailed back and said thank you, how lovely, also I wanted to send her the same amount for all the birthdays I'd forgotten and I hope she bought something nice for herself (the amounts evened out so I was basically refusing her gift).

I didn't mean to be rude but my DH thinks I was? Anyway, my aunt didn't reply. She is British. Was I offensive?

That was lovely of her and yes you were rude

Very ungrateful, you should have accepted her gift!
I would be upset if someone had done this to me when I gave them a gift and probably would think about them differently afterwards!

However, if you don’t care about her feelings, you should just have refused the gift in the first place!

I thought I was being so clever too.

Yes, that’s the problem. You sound like a smart arse.

Damage limitation time.

Reverse it, if you sent this offer to your niece and this was her reply how would you feel?

If you didn't want to accept - which I totally understand - then you should just have declined gracefully: your response here comes across as quite rude, although you didn't intend to be. I would ring/drop a note and just say that you couldn't possibly accept, but you appreciate the generous gesture, and you are sorry as you think your attempt at a light-hearted response has backfired.

@ponoka7 because she's suddenly springing extremely generous gifts on me, when I hadn't sent her as much as a birthday card!! It made me feel appalling. She's the wife of my uncle, remarried, and I thought we we easing into a friendly no contact relationship. So, if I accept that gift, where does it leave me?

But it was also the way she phrased it in the email - she wanted to match it to "the others". I thought I was letting her off the hook. I don't mind if my cousins get better presents when they live in the same country as her.

But, I mean, that's fine. Everything is complex with family, it's okay. The last thing I want to be is rude.

You don't sound like a smart arse to me at all OP. The OP has recognised her gaffe, said she will call to rectify it and yet posters are still piling on to tell her how rude she's been. Why? To what end? She knows and has said she wants to rectify it.

Crikey you’re getting a roasting here OP. Am baffled how it’s rude, I actually think it shows you to be generous and thoughtful to be thinking of reciprocity rather than just ‘cheers!’ and taking the money. Her feelings might be hurt but I don’t think you’re rude.

Give her a call? Have a chat?

If she's likely to leave a large estate then she's probably wanting you to have the money now untaxed, as you'll get more that way. My DF does the same.

You would be very touched if she left you a legacy. Well this is the same thing, only earlier. This way she gets to enjoy your gratitude in person.

I agree with this advice:

Just be honest and say you were talking to DH, apologise, and say you realise it may have come across as being rude, wasnt your intention at all and you really appreciated how lovely her offer was.

And tell her you're only too delighted that she wants to show her affection in this way.

It's not rude how silly. 🤣 if she's adamant she will insist

You did the polite thing. I'd have done the same. What were you supposed to say, great, here's my bank details, how much are we talking?

I think what you sent back was a lovely email ! Confused as to why people think it's rude

I think you meant well, but that's not necessarily how it came across to someone who didn't know what was going on in your head. Two possibilities (there may be more, these are the ones that occur to me at the mo).

It could be seen as passive aggressive. An 'OK so now you've finally got round to acknowledging I exist, I'll do the same for you'.

Or

She could think that a consequence of her gift had been that it made you feel guilty - which wasn't her intention at all, but maybe has made her feel bad if she thinks that was what happened.

Speak to her and try to put it right. Depending on how she's taken it you might have an uphill struggle, but eventually she'll see that you meant it nicely.

Is inheritance tax thing, might as well give away as gov will take 40% anyway, if she lives 7 years you are fine if not you will have to pay the tax.She can gift you about £3000 a year tax free.

It's not rude at all.

I would hate to have some of the people on MN in my life. Seemingly holding an imaginary etiquette book (entirely bespoke to them, to add to the confusion) at all times to beat people over the head with for not following protocol.

I can completely understand why you'd have responded the way you have.

However, she's making a generous offer and it can come across as throwing it back in her face. She could easily think your response is "too little too late, auntie" or "I don't want your poxy money". My experience as an immigrant is that Brits are quite stuffy about money issues.

Contact her to say you're sorry if it came across as a rejection, you were just aware you'd not sent her gifts either and think the main priority of her spending should be on having fun herself. It's a really lovely and thoughtful offer and you appreciate her kindness.

It's sounds to me like miscommunication everywhere to be honest. Perhaps she meant others as in others she wants to give money to before she dies? No one knows when that will be (sorry for sounding morbid but I've had that sort of couple of years) and some people try to sort things out. By offering her money her kind gesture was then not only wiped out but she has even more money when, for whatever reason she wanted less. She's probably wondering what she did wrong too.

Give her a call and talk. Don't email. Things in writing, even with emojis, can come across really badly even if we don't intend it to. It sounds to me like miscommunications all over the place and you both need to understand where the other is coming from.

I really don't think it is rude at all, it is a bit unusual she wanted to send the money now so much later. That being said I am not British so maybe I have difference standards of rude.

Another concern I would have is if she needs that money for care in the future.
Sometimes elderly send money gifts to the point the have none they can access for food etc for the next month because they keep it in savings accounts that they have to be present to withdraw the money.
If you're ringing her I would start in that direction.... Cold weather/access to funds for her own needs/trying to be thoughtful. Etc.
She may also have allocated the money to another relative and fallen out with them. You could then be playing piggy in the middle for a while when all you did was accept money.

i dont see how you were rude

why has she left you out all this time?

I agree that this sounds like she is planning her will. Rather than giving differing amounts to various family members, she is evening up the amounts now.

I don't think it was rude at all. If someone offered me backdated birthday presents I'd refuse too!!! I'd I think refusing it by "evening it out" by telling her you owe her the same amount was perfectly fine.

Sometimes I really don't understand the attitudes here 🤷🏻‍♀️

How is this rude?? I would be concerned about someone giving me money out of guilt and what they could not afford, which is why i'd say 'oh let's call it even!' - it's being bloody kind-hearted imo!

Not rude at all IMO.
It is not normal to just offer large amount of money to a relative.
Perfectly reasonable to refuse politely.

If she wants to dodge some tax or something I’d prefer transparency.

“I thought I was being so clever too”

Possibly too ‘clever ‘ in your reply rather than “oh how lovely of you and so generous, but honestly I would not expect such generosity. Are you sure?”

Things don’t always translate well in messages.

Call her, talk to her, say you were overwhelmed by her generosity and it struck you that you hadn’t always sent her presents! Yes, TALK with her.