Still upset with DH for behaviour years ago.

[Tookseveralnamechanges]

Am I being unreasonable to still be upset? He treated me and my home like shit and kissed my friend. Something happened when he was away on a work trip but he swears it wasn't sex. He was messaging the gorl afterwards though, but he didnt after i found out. I was pregnant with our second at the time.
We broke up (he left me! ) for a few months and got back together when i had our baby. Conveniently he became interested again as soon as i stopped caring about him.

I was and still am incredibly hurt but the problem is he has been a model partner since the split. Wd have had our ups and downs but he generally puts me and the kids first now.
If i had met him after the break he would be the one. The amazing husband. Perfect life partner. But he wrecked it by fucking me over for the first few years of our relationship.

I dont really care if he only came back for the children, because i did too. And we have grown and worked hard to make things work well and have a nice life.

We are currently pregnant again, and in the process of looking for our first house to buy.
But i have this crippling fear that it is all too good to be true and he showed me his true colours years ago and has been hiding ever since.

I dont want to leave him because i love the man he is now, and we were really young when we met and quite young when i fell pregnant. He was my first ever boyfriend.
He says that he was young and stupid and he is embarrassed by his actions. We still talk about it sometimes but he can't tell me why he messed me around and treated me so appallingly.
He gave his parents rent and cleaned up after himself before we moved into together and had a baby. So its not like i went with a slob who needed to grow up. He regressed and became selfish when we moved in together. But i fell pregnant very quickly and so i was stuck.

If he treated me even half as badly as how he used to now i would up and leave immediately.

This was almost a decade ago. He has been on the straight and narrow.
He comes home from work nd will tidy up the kids bedroom before making dinner. He'll tell me to go to bed for a nap if i say i feel tired. He buys me treats from the shop or if he goes to a kfc for lunch at work he'll get me a wrap or something small and save it for me (kfc was my only non nausiating food in first trimester) and he even stands up for me if his family make digs. Which was a big source of tension pre split.
We go on days out and to the park most days as a family, unless hes working really late.
He hasnt been on a night out since last xmas and he has started saving.
All of this were on the list of things we argued about and he changed every single thing. I feel comfortable and happy with him 99% of the time but every now and then someone will cheat on tv or ill read a LTB thread on mumsnet and it will all come flooding back.

I was up last night until nearly 3am crying my eyes out. I messaged him and told him how i was feeling and he called and appologised (again) but it isnt enough. He said 'you do realise i am the same person i was then? I cant change anything i did back then even though i wish i could'

And it hit me like a tonne of bricks. There is nothing he can ever say that will stop the hurt. Nothing he can ever do that will stop me cryong randomly in the middlw of the night because i thought about it.

Has anyone ever 'got over' cheating and bad spousal behaviour? Does it ever stop hurting? Almost 10 years on and i still feel sad enough to cry for hours and hours. Not every night but maybe once or twice a year. And i am worried about feeling like it forever. Especially as we are soon to have another baby and a new home to deal with.

You took him back. That doesn’t give you the right to punish him over the past. If you couldn’t deal with it you shouldn’t have got back with him.

Worrying isn’t going to change future events, or past ones.

@Tookseveralnamechanges by accepting what is done is done and you can’t change the past. I do agree with the others though you shouldn’t be planing another baby if your waking up crying at 3am over something that happened years ago. Recipe for a disaster unfortunately.

Get over it isnt an answer to the question 'how do i get over it? '

Its like asking how to do a somersault and someone says 'seriously? You just do a somersault. Duh.'

And as i have said , we got over it but having another baby has brought it all back to the forefront. The last time i had a scan i had to go alone. The last time i felt a kick i was crying iver becoming a single mother. Last time i went to the midwife i had to tell her I am finding it hard to put on weight because i cany swallow food. It is all bringing it back to the front of my mind.

I have an appointment in the hospital next week and the last time i was there i was single and my life was falling apart. It is all getting too much and i didnt expect it to affect me again.

The 2 months off was a joint decision too. But it was partly because i didnt like the idea of him in a hotel with women he could have slept with before. He never told me who it was. It could be anyone.
I should have put this in relationships. Rooky mistake.

Do you not see what’s happened here, OP?

Your parents had an unhealthy, mentally unsafe and very damaging relationship and demonstrated it in front of you, and now you are doing the exact same to your children.

How many generations will this cycle continue for? Would you be happy for your children to be in the type of relationships you and you parents are? The answer should be no, and that should push you towards demonstrating to them a healthy relationship, because your parents didn’t to you and look at the mess you’re in.

We dont argue infront of the children. We talk about it when they are in bed. Please dont make up stuff. Ive never said we argue infront of the children. I have said we have spoke about it 3x since.

As with many PPs , I agree that you need counselling for yourself first.
You’ve said that you’ve only brought it up “3 x but your reactions have been a bit extreme.

How many more times , will it take, do you think, before your partner decides that he cannot stay with you as you seem unable to let go?
Get some counselling ASAP if you want to save your relationship.

Difficult as I don't think I could have stayed with any of my boyfriends in my late teens and early 20s mainly because we were too immature and they treated me badly or I treated them badly. Though I know they are all married and as far as I can tell the model husbands/dads now and I am married and a good wife/and mum (as much as I can be anyway!). The only couple I know who have stayed together since their teens both cheated on each other in their younger years but are living a normal family life now and seem to just not mention it!

Not sure how helpful that is but what I mean is that a lot of people muck up their early relationships but then manage to move on and and have decent relationships later on with other people. The only difference for you and him is you stayed together and matured together.

Really you need counselling. It is not fair on either of you to carry on like this.

I have just looed up councilling i my area and ot is 85 for single and 140 for couples! 10 miles away is 25 for single and 40 for couples.
It might be cheaper to take the trip!

I agree the reactions are strong.
I am auite emotive and creid at the hungry hungry catterpillar the other week. It is probably hormones making it feel 10x worse than it actually is.

I am also thinking that we would have done better if he had found a new job instead if staying in the same one. The pay has been nice but i would rather him be with us every night.
It is tricky when he is away so much.

You really do need to deal with this through therapy. You won't forget what your DH did all those years ago and there isn't a magic wand. I should know that; I'm dealing with the memories of the SA I went through as a child.

Obviously we can't change the past; bad things happen and we all have to live with the painful memories. But therapy helps to process the memories, and come to terms with them. In my case, I know I have a lot of good things in my life; I have a lovely DH and 2 adopted DDs who need me to be there for them.

I know that it isn't the same, as it wasn't my DH who hurt me. But my DM didn't see what was going on to my DSis and me under her nose, which has made it difficult for us not to resent her for it. And it's been devastating for her to be told what went on. I've had to learn to keep my mouth shut about the past when I'm with her, in the interest of moving forwards, as my DDs love their Granny.

Good luck, OP, you can move on from this.

We dont argue infront of the children. We talk about it when they are in bed. Please dont make up stuff.

I’m not making up anything, OP. I haven’t said you argued in front of the children.

You don’t need to argue for your children to pick up on the atmosphere. Whether you realise it or not you will be demonstrating to them an unhealthy, mentally damaging relationship. They will pick up on body language, cues, snippets of conversation, tone etc.

If you don’t want your kids to end up in the same mess your parents put you in, you need to change now.

Im scared because if i dont know what caused him to do it how can i manage my own behaviour to ensure i dont push him to it again.

OP - you did not "cause" him to kiss another girl 10 years ago.
It is not your responsibility to "manage my own behaviour" in order to prevent or cause another person's choices.
You did not, & will not "push him" to kiss that girl all those years ago, or to do it again in future.

He was young & daft, & shit happens.
He is now older, & from what you write, committed, well aware of his previous mistake, & is choosing to be with you.

Your own self-esteem is what is at question here, not what anybody else did years ago or might do in future. Quite possibly this is a deep-seated issue tied in with the less pleasant parts of your own parents' marriage. I think you would benefit tremendously from some counselling to unpick what lies behind your lack of confidence in your own worth, so that you can put these old demons to bed & enjoy your "now" - you can't carry on hurting yourself & damaging your own wellbeing with such anxiety that you are sleepless & weeping at 3am. It is not sustainable, & will also damage your relationship.

Your observations & worries about whether he kissed someone more or less attractive than you, are also concerning.
It is absolutely toxic to rank women according to some patriarchally-imposed attractiveness rating, & then beat yourself up worrying about where you are on that scale, as if external appearance is a measurement of how deserving you are to have a faithful man in your life. A decent man is a decent man, & whether one is Halle Berry or not is immaterial to how much they love you - OR HOW MUCH THE WOMAN CONCERNED DESERVES THAT LOVE.
Men are not 'prizes' to be earned by tweaking & grooming & depilating & worrying & desperately trying to preserve an arbitarily imposed ideal of what 'attractive' might mean. There is a marvellous song about this, "My Funny Valentine" - which tells you everything you need to know about the true nature of love & acceptance. Will find a version & link below.

I urge you to listen to the song & chill out - then get to your GP for advice & recommendations to effective counsellors/therapist in your area. If you can afford private, you could crack on with this very quickly - if not, unfortunately there will be a longer wait, but in the meantime, you can start the process of educating (& re-educating old thought pattern habits) yourself about various therapies. I suggest CBT might be a helpful option for you, alongside a form of 'talking therapy' to help you understand, process, & ultimately reject as ridiculous some of the more toxic notions you are needlessly beating yourself up with.

None of this is your FAULT, OP, please do not feel I am ticking you off for your thoughts & feelings, I know how awful anxiety is & how much damage we can do to ourselves in its clutches. But it IS your responsibility, & when you can iron out some of the 'creases' in your mindset that are causing you so much grief, you will not only be stronger for yourself, but also for your DP, & DCs.

Here is the tune - look after yourself -

@beachysandy81
To be honest he was my first ever boyfriend. I didnt think we would still be together amd neither did he. But we actually work really well together. He is a wonderful person and we really do adore eachother. Im glad it lasted.
I just wish i could stop fixating on the only bad part of our life together

I agree with most of you- its not fair on him
I dont know why im trying to defend myself. I domt want to feel like this and i definetly dont want him to feel bad for a stupid mistale which he has rectified. I cant wait to see him now. I just want a cuddle and a bloody appology from me this time.
Fucking hell it must be so shit. He's working away from home, away from his family and he has to deal with a hormonal wreck out of the blue.

I think ill just explain to him that i'm comparing this pregnancy to the last one and with the added hormones, im just not coping very well. He should suffer because im having a tiswas over things past. Im being selfish. This is why i came on mumsnet. You cant pretend youre a victim when 80% of the other posters are horrified by your little story

How embarrassing!

@Lizzie0869 im really sorry this happened to you
Yes i guess therapy helps but it feels like my petty little problems are nothing to worry about compared to sa.

I do try to keep my mouth shut and move on but i was crying for Ages and just needed a little reassurance.

for you
I really am sorry

Relate offers online counselling which isn't expensive. I think you'd benefit from individual counselling first. You seem to be replicating your parents' relationship and you need to deal with that and your boundaries/relationship template before you have couple's counselling.
Myself and DH had a similarly rocky start when we were dating. I left him and we were split up for a few years then bumped into each other and got back together. In the meantime, we'd both gone to counselling. I was much better at creating boundaries and sticking to them. He was able to take responsibility for what he had done wrong and crucially knew he had to do the work to rebuild trust because he had broken it.
For the last 5 years, I'd say we have had a steady, equal relationship. I think part of your problem may stem from the fact that he left you. You didn't draw a line because of his bad behaviour. So you do need to have a conversation about why and he needs to work to restore your trust. But I still think you need to deal with your relationship template with individual counselling first.

I'm so old @Tookseveralnamechanges. It went like this.

He tried to kill me. No-one cared.
He got another woman. Everyone accepted he and I had to split.
We split up, we carried on having sex until he married someone else. I liked the cock. That would be... 1989.
I carried on with my life, with my child, as best I could.
At the end of 2004 I had a brain haemorrhage due to the stress of my life, work, everything.
After that, I started having therapy.
So, it didn't change my marriage. But, it did change my attitude to other relationships, and make me much stronger, and much less confused.
Had I had the therapy in my twenties, as my dd has, I'd have been a much different person.
I think you will really benefit from talking it through with a professional. It takes a while but it can change your life.

How long did it take to feel better?
Honestly?
Ten years. But that's after fifty years of struggling through life the best I could, with abusive and neglectful parents, an abusive husband, living as an autistic person in a world that didn't know anything about that (it's so much better now)… So I had a lot of stuff.

Take one thing at a time. I did. The therapist will ask what you want to talk about, so just go for it.

@messolini9 thank you
I obviously know its stupid amd bleeding embarrassing but as my youth is slipping and im starting to get older its just getting to me more. I think it goes 'if his eyes were wandering when i was young and thin and beautiful then how far will they wander now i cant even put mascarra on without someone shouting for a bum wipe or another piece of toast in the morning'

I used to keep the house cleaner before the kids started trashing it and now im prgnant and cant evem eat with anyone because a sandwich makes my gums bleed so badly i look like a bloody halloween decoration, i just feel a bit bleugh.

Its not as bad as im making out as i wrote the origional post really in a state. Now im ebbarrassed.
I wrote a really long one last night that was so detailed amd really outing, (ive tweaked this on just incase) i am so glad i deleted it other wise id probably have to leave the internet forever!

I just read it back and i feel like a knobhead. I really do. But my emotions are ruling me atm ! Frustratingly!

@PlasticPatty oh im so sorry but im glad councilling helped in the end
Tbh im worried about leaving it 50 years. I have rang relate and put the phone down to deal with later. Its so me

So are you back together now? Or did he stay married to someone else?

We all move on, children may steal at 8YO, parents then discuss the rights and wrongs and move on. Teenagers may hit out at you, but when they are 25+ and have their own children they change, and you move on. You cannot guarantee a relationship will blossom, but 99% trust deserves a 100%. Those who believe in their partner may be very hurt by an indiscretion, but if you dont fully trust your partner, the relationship could fail on that basis only.

Oh my, we are certainly not together!
He married twice, after me, and he died a few years ago.

I usually refer to him as 'the ex and late husband'. Or just 'the ex and late'.
But he is a thing of the past.
But my experience will be different from yours. Get therapy. Talk it through. Your way forward will become clear.
Please don't let people make you feel guilty, that you need to 'forgive and forget' or any such rot. If it comes to it that you can, after working with a therapist, live with what he did and have some happiness, that will be fine. If you can't do that, that will be fine, too.
You are only responsible for your own behaviour and feelings. Not for his.

You're pregnant and vulnerable the same as you were when he treated you badly before. No wonder your thoughts are dragging you back to that time. A form of self protection maybe. But if he's been a model husband otherwise since that time you need to find a way to not let these negative thoughts stop you from enjoying your pregnancy and growing family. Not sure how though!

I think that people can change and it certainly looks like he has.However I think you are not unreasonable to feel a bit uncertain .Pregnancy brings up lots of feelings ,esp as the last time you were pregnant things went wrong .10 years is a long time though and he has made a huge effort to change his ways .Maybe some counselling would help?

Deat Tookseveralnamechanges, this is ANOTHER thing you don't need to 'rank' in order to decide whether you deserve support or not! -
Its not as bad as im making out as i wrote the origional post really in a state

Emotional states come & go, & possibly even the act of writing out your sorrow & frustration helped you feel a bit better. It's really not a question of scaling how bad you have to feel in order to qualify for a little expert assistance - it's about tacking your underlying issues (we ALL have 'em!) in order to find some peace from intrusive thoughts, redundant thinking habits, & historic role modelling from family life.

Looks to me as your sense of humour will help you get through :)
Please don't feel embarrassed, & don't you dare write yourself off as someone who isn't somehow suffering 'enough' to deserve help. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health - have a look at what something like CBT might be able to do for you - & you owe it to yourself & your kids to model healthy levels of self-esteem.

Good luck & best wishes OP.

Did you see my post, @Tookseveralnamechanges?

Look up Esther Perel. She is a therapist who has written books, done ted talks and podcasts about the impact of infidelity and relationships recovering from it.
It may take some time to get started with a therapist (go on UKCP website or search for community counselling services in your area - there are a lot of charities that provide low cost therapy)
In the meantime Esther may have some helpful insights for you.