Still upset with DH for behaviour years ago.

[Tookseveralnamechanges]

Am I being unreasonable to still be upset? He treated me and my home like shit and kissed my friend. Something happened when he was away on a work trip but he swears it wasn't sex. He was messaging the gorl afterwards though, but he didnt after i found out. I was pregnant with our second at the time.
We broke up (he left me! ) for a few months and got back together when i had our baby. Conveniently he became interested again as soon as i stopped caring about him.

I was and still am incredibly hurt but the problem is he has been a model partner since the split. Wd have had our ups and downs but he generally puts me and the kids first now.
If i had met him after the break he would be the one. The amazing husband. Perfect life partner. But he wrecked it by fucking me over for the first few years of our relationship.

I dont really care if he only came back for the children, because i did too. And we have grown and worked hard to make things work well and have a nice life.

We are currently pregnant again, and in the process of looking for our first house to buy.
But i have this crippling fear that it is all too good to be true and he showed me his true colours years ago and has been hiding ever since.

I dont want to leave him because i love the man he is now, and we were really young when we met and quite young when i fell pregnant. He was my first ever boyfriend.
He says that he was young and stupid and he is embarrassed by his actions. We still talk about it sometimes but he can't tell me why he messed me around and treated me so appallingly.
He gave his parents rent and cleaned up after himself before we moved into together and had a baby. So its not like i went with a slob who needed to grow up. He regressed and became selfish when we moved in together. But i fell pregnant very quickly and so i was stuck.

If he treated me even half as badly as how he used to now i would up and leave immediately.

This was almost a decade ago. He has been on the straight and narrow.
He comes home from work nd will tidy up the kids bedroom before making dinner. He'll tell me to go to bed for a nap if i say i feel tired. He buys me treats from the shop or if he goes to a kfc for lunch at work he'll get me a wrap or something small and save it for me (kfc was my only non nausiating food in first trimester) and he even stands up for me if his family make digs. Which was a big source of tension pre split.
We go on days out and to the park most days as a family, unless hes working really late.
He hasnt been on a night out since last xmas and he has started saving.
All of this were on the list of things we argued about and he changed every single thing. I feel comfortable and happy with him 99% of the time but every now and then someone will cheat on tv or ill read a LTB thread on mumsnet and it will all come flooding back.

I was up last night until nearly 3am crying my eyes out. I messaged him and told him how i was feeling and he called and appologised (again) but it isnt enough. He said 'you do realise i am the same person i was then? I cant change anything i did back then even though i wish i could'

And it hit me like a tonne of bricks. There is nothing he can ever say that will stop the hurt. Nothing he can ever do that will stop me cryong randomly in the middlw of the night because i thought about it.

Has anyone ever 'got over' cheating and bad spousal behaviour? Does it ever stop hurting? Almost 10 years on and i still feel sad enough to cry for hours and hours. Not every night but maybe once or twice a year. And i am worried about feeling like it forever. Especially as we are soon to have another baby and a new home to deal with.

Honestly the cheating is extremely unlikely to be because the other woman was too beautiful/sexy to contain himself. The reason is much more likely to be fuelled by hormones. I think that high sex drive urge often doesn't hit women until age 30 plus whereas for men it tends to be teens and early 20's. That is absolutely not an excuse I'm making for men, just something I couldnt understand about cheating until my sex drive went through the roof at a later age. I also think that subconsciously, he will have felt tied down at a young age. I've seen all the toxic masculine bravado from teenage boys and men in their early 20's at work when one has a pregnant girlfriend. Lots of joking around about their lives being over and lack of sex etc there is definitely an element of peer pressure that goes on.

How much reassurance would be enough for you? You’ve been hashing this out for 10 years!

I agree a counsellor for your own wellbeing x

Yes, after your update, you definitely need therapy. To know you’ve been continually doing this, that you’ve made him take time off work etc... your behaviour is awful and it is shocking.

Yes, he did a bad thing, but you are emotionally abusing him (and have been doing so) for years. You are manipulative and controlling and showing your children an unhealthy and mentally unsafe relationship.

You need to sort this and you need to sort it now, because your behaviour is unacceptable and more so than that it is cruel.

You cannot blame him for your behaviour, your feelings or your actions. You need to take responsibility and sort yourself out.

After your last update about needing him to take time off work and crying and phone calls 2 years ago I definitely agree you need councilling. This is an extreme reaction.

Maybe it's wise to think 'well it's just sex innit" I know it's difficult to get over but you were both young and these things happen, He sounds like he really loves you , and didn't love the other woman.

Looks don't have anything to do with it!!!

I think you need solo counselling, not couples therapy. You say yourself things are good at the moment -so this is about you. It doesn't sound as though he could have done things any differently.

Relationships go through bad patches and these things are probably far more common than you imagine in long term relationships. But if you make the choice to stay, and particularly to bring another child into the situation on the grounds everything is now good, you have to find a way to put the past behind you. I think a few sessions with a counsellor would be well worth the investment. But I think you need to do it alone because I don't think there's much more your DH can say or do. Words of reassurance don't mean much; it's his behaviour over the last ten years that counts and it sounds as though he has done his best.

"i wanted to cheat because i hated you and youade me feel trapped and made me stop going out so i blamed you for losing my youth"

Why do you need him to say it, when rationally, that is most likely the reason? Why do you need to hear him say it though?

Also why is it these threads always somehow end up with money being mentioned just before christmas 🙄

You made him take two months off work? I'd have dumped you for that alone tbh.

I think other posters are right that you need counselling about this. I think a pp was spot on when they said you need to get to a position where you can make the decision to stay on the fact that you WANT to. Not because you can’t afford to leave, or because of the kids, or because it’s too difficult.

I think you are feeling vulnerable now because you’re pregnant again. But there’s no point keeping asking him ‘why?’ Ten years later he’s not going to suddenly come up with a good reason why he had a couple of (probably drunken) snogs.

Take it easy, but I think you need to see someone on your own before having couples therapy.

Just to clarify, i dont bring it up every time i get upset about it. I have a cry, buy some icecream and deal with it. The only times i have brought it up and spoke about it with him is when
-i was having a really hard timw with him being away so much for work so we decided to spend our savings on a 2 month break from work. We missed eachother and he missed the kids. I was worried also that he would be away from family life enough to forget us and mess around. We decided together that he would take the time off and look for another job. He then got offered slightly better pay sp he wrnt back after 2 months old
The other time was during an argument about his familys treatment of me, i told him about how i was feeling sometimes still sad about the cheating too and he told me how he was feeling stuck in the middle of his old family amd his new family (ie me and the kids) it was a long chat and he chose us in the end. Stuck up for me and everything was fine

• and now this time. Im pregnant and he is working away and going on trips. Due to be almost every week from when baby is due. It is getting too much again and we have said we will have a heart to heart today.

I am only coming on here so i can think through it and loom at other peoples opinions.
Therapy was never in our pricerange but now we have a small chunk of savings and a higher income i think itd be worth it.

I am definitely not bringing it up every five minutes but i just cant seem to 'get over it' it does upset me and i dont know how to work through what i am feeling. Thats why i want to talk about it with him, it worked so well last time. We basically made a list of all the things we wanted to change about our relationship and then we both made the effort to change.

It honestly is just hormones. Plus a big step with buying a house. Especially when work is due to boom! I am worried about being on my own essentially, with a newborn AND young children. Probably dealing with packing and unpacking myself and decorating as he'll be at work. I think i might want to postpone the house buying.
That might be the crux of it. Too many big steps in one go perheps?

I think you need therapy, definitely.
I think you need it at a basic level to learn that it's not about 'keeping him'. You aren't with someone because you need them, that's not healthy.
And if someone is unhappy in a relationship the adult thing to do is discuss it or leave, not cheat. That was on him.
I'm concerned about your self esteem and I think therapy will help you think about your own value, not because of anything that you do or don't do, but just as a person. And think about what you want.
In many areas you can self refer for NHS counselling. It might be a wait but that's ok.

I agree with others. Definitely seek counselling so you can talk to someone outside of family and friends.
Your pregnancy has triggered the past and your hormones are all over the place.
But you can't keep punishing him for the past if you choose to stay with him. How many times can he apologise? It's not fair on him and it's unhealthy for you.
I hope you work through this

Also, if he was your first & only boyfriend, then it was probably the first time a boy broke your heart. Most of us have probably had that several times & although you don’t get used to it, you do learn to move on. But because you stayed together maybe it’s something you just haven’t learnt to do.

I can't vote, namechanged, because some hurts stick, however it sounds as though yer man has been a really good bloke since then.

Hanging on to this hurt is doing you damage, it's eating away at you and what is the point if your husband is devoted to you and the children?

Forgive him, please. You will feel better if you do. We all make mistakes but don't deserve to be punished for them forever.

Couples therapy may help you but I think you going to counselling on your own would help you to see it in proportion.

Coincidentally there is currently another thread with a reverse story; a woman had a bit of an emotional affair whilst she was with her boyrfriend (now her husband), did nothing more than kiss, and he is using that to berate her even though it was a few years ago. She is feeling really shabby because of it but he is an arsehole.

I'm not going to call you an arsehole because you're going to stop, aren't you?

Chin up, onwards and upwards .

I think you need individual therapy before couples therapy.

Who the hell has voted YABU?!

Visualise a piece of paper folded and opened at the crease. No matter how much you iron it the crease will always be there but eventually it will be less sharp. The fold is his actions, the crease the pain and the ironing the talking, his actions of caring and sorrow and the pain will be less sharp.

I'd take it a day at a time. Live for now. We could die tomorrow. What will happen is the pain will fade enough to go or you will not be able to manage anymore.

Can you close the door on what he has done and bolt it shut? Visualise it when you think about the past or want to say something to him and see that it is bolted shut so it can't be open.

I'm living a difficult time. I'm using the above. I'm hoping it will work for me and you. I still love my husband and will stay as long as I do.

I would suggest counselling for you, it really helped me with anger about something that I'd never really dealt with cos of kids/life/putting on a brave face at the time.
I got to vent in front of DP and a counsellor and it made DP really 'get' how I felt about something they had done ( for reasons they could list)

Oh my god. @Shelby2010 ive never thought of it as drunken snogs before.

AND I didnt make him take the time off because of the cheating but it was a factor. He was burnt out and was lookkng for a more family friendly job. They offered more money and so we decided it was probably worth it to go back.

He admitted he shared a bed the second time. But didnt have sex. Which i dont fully believe. What girl comes back to someones hotel room for anything other than sex?

And the two events were about 2 years apart. So he kissed my friend when our first child was a few months old and then about 2 years later after we worked through that he did it again when i was pregnant with my second. Then he left me pregnant and i had to find a cheaper place to rent that i cphld afford on my own and move all of our stuff on my own with my family. Fuck im crying again.
I lost loads of wieght and started smoking again because my life fell apart. Even though i was pregnant. It is a miracle the baby was healthy because i wasnt very healthy. I didnt sleep or eat hardly anything and completely checked out. I cany remember any of the last few months with my little boy before the baby was born and it was all because he fucked up and couldnt be bothered to work it out after.
In the end it was for the best because we are saving a few hundred in rent a month and that has allowed us to save more.

8 years was the first incident ( i just saix nearly 10 because its coming up to a decade and that is what im fixating on) 6 years since second more hurtful one. And 5 years since we got back together. Maybe 4 years he has really changed. So not the 10 years decent man and me nagging.

I think i can get over the first one. It was a drunken kiss. Thank you @shelby2010 for that.

The other one was more calculated. He planned to meet her again afterwards and probably would have had a long term affair if he wasnt caught. He was working with the same people in hotels in the same city for a while. And then instead of grovelling for cheating on me he left me at a time where i really could have done without the stress.

I stopped smoking when baby was born and we got back together by the way, it was a coping strategy and i needed it. I spoke to my midwife about it and she said that stress is just as much of a killer. I just cant believe he left me when i was pregnant. It is killing me and if i had known being pregnant would bring all of these emotions to the forefront then i might have stuck with what i had.

Also my oarents still have arguments about how my dad treated my mum when i was a baby and when she was pregnant with me. And thats nearly 3x as long as ive been upset.

That's not healthy. Also, I think it's kind of weird that you even know about how your dad treated your mom when you were a baby. How did you find that out?

I agree with PP that you should look into therapy. If you chose to stay with him, you have to let this go. It's not fair to anyone to hold onto it. You can't make him apologize for this for the rest of his life, and you can't let it eat at you.

Sorry, I missed where you asked 'How much?'
All mine was FREE, on the nhs, through my union at work, through MIND. The best was nhs. Long waiting lists, but worth it.

Dd paid £40 hour to £60 an hour.

Wherever you get your therapy, remember you are the 'active agent' and you get to decide whether you can work with a particular therapist or not. Often, we feel worse before we feel better. But sometimes there's a therapist we just can't work with, and it's better to say so and move on.

Good luck. I don't think you're rehashing old stuff or giving him a hard time ten years on - I think you are moving ahead.

@PlasticPatty yes he wants to say sorry and let it go. But he never really went through it. Even at the time and i just want to know why he put me and his child and unborn child in jeaopardy for a shag or even just a fucking handjob.

We were not having sex as much as i wanted either for a long time so i am wondering if it was more than these times and this is the only thing i knew about. I was quite literally begging him for a physical relationship and he easily refused me. But he couldnt manage a week away.

I think he used to withhold sex as a punishment he also liked to use the silent treatment aswell. This was all talked about when he took 2 months off and we spoke about how it isnt okay to ignore me because he doesnt want an argument etc and he has kicked that to the curb now.

There are so many things he did. It isnt black and white and i am still hurt by it.
But i dont want to be hurt by it forever and i really dont want to be upset another 20 years or so down the line.

You need to move on. My DH and I had a terrible relationship many moons ago, but we both changed for the better and are now very happy together because we agreed the past was the past and it needed to stay in the past. Yes your DH did wrong but you can’t keep punishing him constantly. Move on or let go.

@PlasticPatty sorry im hanging onto you
I dont know why
But 60 quid a week seems like a fair trade for feeling better. I will ask him about it.

So you both had seperate therapy ?
I dont think mine wouldd go for it but maybe. Ive never asked before.

What happened with you and how lomg did it take to feel 'better'?
Dont mean to pry but if you want to tell me i would appreciate it

Seriously... get over it.

Crying at 3am over something that happened years ago? It’s dramatic and over the top. If you can’t let go then split up as I’m surprised he’s even stayed with you after everything you have wrote. You chose to stay together.

Why are you having another kid with him if you can’t move on?

Get some counselling for yourself.

Your mum arguing with your dad about something 20-30 years ago is not normal either. It’s probably why your the same as you have seen it as normal to keep going on about something that happened years ago!

@CakeandCustard28
How do you just move on?
And it really isnt constantly. After the initial 'you're cheatimg?!' Argument
Ive brought it up 3x
So not too many.

But it hurts inside more than that. How can you just stop hurting? I fear that if i dont get to the bottom of it i will never truely forgive him