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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to just want to cut her off?

67 replies

bakabakabeyond · 12/12/2019 12:12

Really awful situation. Fled from my ex with my son. Moved 200 miles away. Lots of domestic abuse. His brother's girlfriend was close to and very much loved my son. We referred to her as aunty. I moved away when my son was 3 months old. She has split up from my exes brother. Our contact has dwindled and I am useless at responding to messages. It's just not possible to see her often. I like her but she's 10 years younger than me (and I'm in my 20s) and we just have very different priorities in life. She's obviously upset I've moved away, but I needed to be with my family. I think she's the type of person who likes to text and talk all the time. I'm a single mum with a full time job. I just don't have time. Is it awful that I don't really think of her as an aunty? And don't feel the need to keep in touch? It was her and her partner that used the aunty title. I'm feeling guilty.

OP posts:

lovemenorca · 12/12/2019 13:27

Talk. To. Her.

You were close. Seems a shame to completely let that go.

Explain that hard to keep up but know that you think of her often and not to be hurt if you don’t reply. Add that you find it a little stressful receiving lots of messages as don’t want to hurt her feelings so perhaps reduce frequency

ReanimatedSGB · 12/12/2019 13:28

She sounds a bit young and self-absorbed, and there could be a risk of your XP trying to use her to get updates on you. Really, though, your DS will have no idea of who she is and won't miss her - he is too young to have formed any real relationship with her (unless she was round at yours seeing him every day.) Gently detach. You've got enough to worry about.

Hepsibar · 12/12/2019 13:31

Agree with posts which say be gentle, but just let it fizzle out because you are quite genuinely busy. Probably be best for her too ... to move on as you are a link to her old relationships.

Equanimitas · 12/12/2019 13:31

Don't feel guilty. She needs friends of her own age. I'd suggest you try to tail things off gently, not replying to her texts for at least a day and then keeping your responses very short and giving her no information.

Original poster

bakabakabeyond · 12/12/2019 13:31

She's 19 and I am 29. I didn't 'allow' their relationship to flourish. I did as my ex partner told me to do, and that involved his brother coming round all the time so his brother's girlfriend came too.

OP posts:

pasturesgreen · 12/12/2019 13:31

If you're in your 20s, OP, how old is she? Mid to late teens at most. It'll peter out as she grows up and finds new interests.
I wouldn't have a big song and dance about it, just leave longer between messages and be short and breezy when you do reply.

diddl · 12/12/2019 13:32

"'please don't forget that I will always be your aunty. I love you to the moon and back. You are everything to me' "

Lordy, I'd cut her off for that load of twaddle!

I'd also be worried about ex trying to get an in & see you/his son.

It all sounds very intense to me though.

Brother's teen gfriend referred to as Auntie-why?

Sounds as if you also per a lot of emphasis on the relationship!

Celticrose · 12/12/2019 13:33

So she has only known your son for 3 months of his life. Do not understand how there could be that much of a bond. I am assuming it is highly unlikely that she will be having any physical contact with you and your son. Maybe phase her out replying to just the odd message. Let her know that you are very busy and just eventually block her

Original poster

bakabakabeyond · 12/12/2019 13:33

I didn't put any emphasis on the relationship. It was just something my exes brother wanted, therefore my ex encouraged, and I would never have said no to my ex .

OP posts:

GameSetMatch · 12/12/2019 13:41

She sounds like a really lovely person, sending you messages, asking how you are feeling. She clearly loves your son. These are they types of people we should keep in our lives, the people who don’t forget us and would be there in a heartbeat if we needed them. Maybe give yourself some space but she sounds really nice I would love someone like her in my life.

Beautiful3 · 12/12/2019 13:45

I would block her and move on. She is not his aunty and she is nothing to you. She isnt a friend or anything. Just ignore or block. You haven't got time to be talking crap with an eighteen year old.

Clangus00 · 12/12/2019 13:54

Why did you give her your new address?!
If you block her (as you rightfully should), is she flaky enough to give your ex your address?

StarUtopia · 12/12/2019 13:55

Just reply but let it peter out gradually.

CakeandCustard28 · 12/12/2019 13:58

I’d just block her number. She’s not his auntie, and by the sounds of it you aren’t friends. Stop letting her push her way into his life.

Blueopal15 · 12/12/2019 14:19

It sounds like she might be a rather lonely 19 year old ...who for some reason has latched onto you - that’s sad , and it would be a bit cruel to just drop her... it does sound like you have more than enough to deal with yourself though ... I’d find a way to try and lessen the contact ... maybe send her a text update once a week ...a breezy sorry not been in touch , we’ve been doing xyz ... how did abc go ? ... over time hopefully she’ll find new friends .

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 12/12/2019 14:22

I would send her one final message saying something like it's very sweet of her to be concerned about your DS however, as you are sure she understands, life is extremely busy for you at the moment so you are massively cutting down on your social media and long distance friendships. You wish her all the best. Then give it a week or so and block her.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 12/12/2019 14:31

I get that those messages are stressful rather than helpful.

It’s a combination of teen-text and you being at an awful point.

Also she only knew your ds for three months. It’s a bit weird that she is so invested in him. But perhaps also just nice??

Don’t ghost. Just ignore most and occasionally text to say ‘hope all is well, things are incredibly busy at my end so can’t text often’

Durgasarrow · 12/12/2019 14:42

Don't do anything that you don't want to do. People put so much pressure on each other to respond to text messages. Just stop.

theweebleshavelanded · 12/12/2019 14:48

so she`s a needy, immature teen then!

not a relative (not that, that makes a difference), your ds has no relationship. I`d be blocking her after telling her its no longer appropriate, need to stop contact etc. does she have communication with your ex/ anyone that knows him? if so definatley stop it and block.

Crunchymum · 12/12/2019 14:51

Completely missing the point but 29 isnt mid twenties

Thelnebriati · 12/12/2019 14:59

This level of intensity towards someone else's child after 3 months is not normal or healthy.

I wonder what her relationship is like with your ex and his brother because she sounds more like a flying monkey.

ASimpleLampoon · 12/12/2019 15:01

Cut her off and don't feel guilty the link is tenacious to say the least. I have been dragged through family court and I know how exhausting it is so you have every sympathy from me. You need to conserve your mental energy as much as possible.

(on a sidenote, I know a good FB group where you can get support regarding the FC system, send me a dm if you want the info)

Aycharow · 12/12/2019 15:04

If your ex and his brother are anything like one another, perhaps she has just got out of an abusive relationship too, and you've got rather a lot in common with her.

Original poster

bakabakabeyond · 12/12/2019 15:04

I don't think I said mid twenties?

OP posts:

Original poster

bakabakabeyond · 12/12/2019 15:05

Yes family court has me on the brink of meltdown. It's awful to an extent that I can't even describe

OP posts:

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