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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a child free half day a week?

32 replies

scaredyscared1114 · 12/12/2019 11:53

I currently work 2 days a week, my DH works 4 days a week. My DS is almost 2 - he stays with his grandma all day on a Monday and then goes to Nursery all day on a Tuesday (both 8-5ish) on a Thursday we pay for a childminder to have him 11am-4pm.

I suffered from bad PND, and I've never quite felt like a natural mother. I find parenting incredibly stressful (as I'm sure is the norm.) we decided to trial the Thursday childminder hours as my mental health has been at an all time low recently. Since I've had those 5 hours every Thursday to myself I've felt so much better - plus I can get all the cleaning and housework done in that time.

I just feel incredibly guilty about it. I still get all day Wednesday and Thursday with my little boy, and I make sure he gets a lot of my time and attention. He is going through a particularly clingy phase, and always cries when I leave him with anyone now. On Tuesday it was big rolling tears down his cheeks.

I don't know what to do for the best. I will always put my child first, but I worry about my mental health too.

AIBU to keep these 5 hours on a Thursday?

OP posts:
Pipstelle · 12/12/2019 11:54

Keep the five hours to yourself! You'll be a better mum for it. I'd feel zero guilt.

7yo7yo · 12/12/2019 11:59

Gosh I didn’t have post natal depression and I still needed my “me” time.
Do it.
Anything that is good for your mental health and your bond with your child is a bonus.

7yo7yo · 12/12/2019 11:59

PS I had no guilt feeling whatsoever either.

SweetAsSpice · 12/12/2019 12:01

Do it. Also have PND. I would love this. DO IT! Flowers

chinateapot · 12/12/2019 12:01

Looking after your mental health is really important. First and foremost for you, because you matter, but also for your child. He will be better off if you are feeling better. Also he will learn that self care is important, and that’s important for us to all know

reetgood · 12/12/2019 12:02

I work 3 days a week, we’re doing an extra day so I can have a child free day. I have zero guilt about this. Our son is 2, has loads of our attention. Why guilt?

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 12/12/2019 12:02

As an alternative you could each have alone time with him over the weekend so you both get time to yourself

hammeringinmyhead · 12/12/2019 12:06

YANBU. I got no sleep this weekend so booked Monday off work but still sent 13 month old DS to nursery and it was so restorative.

BaronessBomburst · 12/12/2019 12:08

I work school hours. The only child-free time I get is if DS goes to a friend's house, or they go to the park. Except the friends usually come here, and the park is so close they pop back constantly and I can hardly go out if I'm responsible for two of them.
I love him dearly but it's killing me. He's 9 btw.
So no, you are not being unreasonable! Don't feel guilty and use the time as you wish!

JoJoSM2 · 12/12/2019 12:08

I’m not a ‘natural’ mother and DS has been doing 4 mornings at the nursery since age 3 months. I don’t work and have a cleaner and a gardener. Zero guilt.

However, have you considered doing 2 days a week with the nursery or the childminder? Maybe that would give him a chance to get used to either and settle a bit more rather than being looked after by a different person every day he isn’t with you.

Settlersofcatan · 12/12/2019 12:09

Yanbu to want some child free time. Personally I don't think three different forms of childcare is ideal for him settling though - I would go for an extra day or half day at nursery

When we just had one we took it in turns to take him to a weekend activity which gave us some time off - which is another way to do it

Original poster
scaredyscared1114 · 12/12/2019 12:10

I'm not sure where the guilt came from, I didn't feel it at first but I think my DS is going through a bit of a clingy stage. He cries a lot when left at nursery/childminder and shouts "mummy, mummy" which ofc pulls at my heartstrings.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredyscared1114 · 12/12/2019 12:11

Yes I think those suggesting 3 settings is not ideal - agree with this. We've just moved house, so looking to change him over to one nursery close by.

OP posts:
DamsonDress · 12/12/2019 12:14

Not at all.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are allowed to look after you.

They go through clinging/crying phases.

Please enjoy your Thursday guilt-free....or it defeats the purpose! Smile

ShinyGiratina · 12/12/2019 12:15

My employment/ maternity leave changed around a lot when DS1 was young so he often had days in nursery that weren't neccessary as childcare. The stability was good for him, and time to quietly get stuff done was great for me.

Being a good mum does not come with a requirement to dedicate every avaliable moment to your child. A mum with a sense of self and time to get things done is a good thing Smile

QueenofmyPrinces · 12/12/2019 12:17

I have every Thursday to myself, 7am-5pm and I love it!!!

No guilt here....

reetgood · 12/12/2019 12:28

@scaredyscared1114 my son will also end up doing the three settings: hes with grandma one day, childminder 2 days and we’re adding nursery for one day.

He is also nearly 2 and has been with the childminder since he was 9 months. It’s only in the last couple of months he doesn’t cry when I leave him. I also know that he stops crying fairly quickly, and when I come to pick him up he insists on showing me all the things so it takes ages to leave! I have confidence in everyone who cares for him.

Of course, he would rather be with me and transitions are hard. But he is not being harmed, in fact I do think he’s enriched by the different settings. He benefits from lots of attention from grandma, and picks up so much (plus there’s lots of good toys!) from
Childminder. We’ve added nursery as I think being able to negotiate that more complex social environment will help - he’s an only child and gets loads of attention :D. It does help to have more than one day in a childcare setting, but then my son has no problem with grandma being one day so...!

CandyflossKid · 12/12/2019 12:36

No, you need that time to yourself!!
I'm a childminder and a couple of the parents have said they feel guilty if they are off and they still send their child to me. I've told them not to be silly - they need quality time for themselves too for their own well being.

IM0GEN · 12/12/2019 19:40

A day doing housework without a toddler isnt “ a day to yourself “. Please don't feel guilty.

Caterina99 · 12/12/2019 20:00

I’m a sahm. I send my 2 year old to nursery 2 mornings a week and get that time to myself. No regrets here

myself2020 · 12/12/2019 20:02

If you can afford it - why not. it is a luxury, but a bit of luxury is good

ActualHornist · 12/12/2019 20:10

You’ve nothing to feel guilty about. Your health is as important as anything else.

44PumpLane · 12/12/2019 20:45

I clicked YANBU before I even read your post.

Young children are relentless and if you are able to get some headspace for a few hours then do it!

carly2803 · 12/12/2019 20:46

absolutely do not feel guilty!! you need you time

Jenpop234 · 12/12/2019 20:47

YANBU. If I could afford this then I would and I would be totally guilt free 😁

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