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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Christmas Stockings

51 replies

Vesper8 · 12/12/2019 11:42

MIL is coming to ours on Christmas Eve until at least the 28th and informed DP (I'm gay) that she won't be getting a stocking this year as 'you're not with us for Christmas.' All fine - she's 27 and this is the first christmas that things have changed and they are coming to us rather than us going to our own families.

We are hosting all of DPs family (8 of them) for 2 nights and seeing my parents either side of christmas (they are fine with this and have elderly parents to consider too).
MIL started to mention last weekend about BILs stocking. He is 24 and has gone back to university after previously dropping out. He comes home for the holidays. DP asked when MIL was planning on giving BIL stocking. The plan is for him to sneak down at 7am on christmas morning and open it on his parents bed whilst the rest are asleep and we do breakfast. DP mentioned to FIL that whilst she doesnt want to deprive BIL of his stocking, she feels a bit left out of what used to be a family tradition and would have liked to open presents together. DP did say to MIL too 'well we are together Christmas so I dont understand' - it's not that she wants a stocking (she isn't materialistic by any means) but doesnt want a door shut on her in her own home on christmas morning?
MIL is very fun but can be cold. Last Christmas DP confronted her about an emotional affair with a man she had met on an online game (MIL constantly on her phone) and this year, we have decorated and brought a new bed to ensure there is enough guest space but been met with quite incessant criticism (the latest being that she couldn't understand why I wasnt just serving bisto gravy and that cooking for 10 was the same as 4 until FIL reminded her that she had a spare oven in the garage and her sister had cooked the turkey in advance! She is also refusing to confirm that she will keep the dog off the sofa and from jumping up and scratching the table, both of which are new. She just laughs at us when we mention it).
Who is BU?
I'm a bit sad for DP. I will of course buy DP a stocking eventhough we agreed no presents to save money (we have only received £100 betwen all 8 of them to host for 5 days) as a surprise but I feel that she is hurting more than she is letting on about how her mum is treating her. When she found out about the affair, MIL came into our room and told me that she 'had to do what was best' for her as DP was now my responsibility. I know it's their choice how they spend their money but am I wrong to be a little disappointed that they can't put a little stocking together for their daughter who is on the one who sees them regularly and does a lot for the family as opposed as well as just BIL who unfortunately is reliving his 18 year old fresher year?

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 12/12/2019 11:46

I’m really sorry. I can’t make head nor tail of this. Can you summarize?

Vesper8 · 12/12/2019 11:57

Sorry - my fault for just ranting!
Essentially, mother-in-law is coming to ours over Christmas. She is refusing to do a stocking for her daughter but is doing one for her slightly younger son. My partner doesn't mind not having one but is upset that her brother will be opening them downstairs, in secret, before the rest of the family have woken up. She suggested to her Mum that stockings are done as normal, she will do mine, I will do her Grandma's and we can all open them as a family. Mother-in-law is refusing and only doing one for her son.
I put the rest in to try and avoid drip-feeding that this isn't out of character behaviour.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 12/12/2019 12:00

24 and he is opening his stocking on his parents' bed at 7am?

7yo7yo · 12/12/2019 12:01

I’d uninvite them.

Vesper8 · 12/12/2019 12:03

Yes, I agree. The reason I posted was to just get a feel for whether it was me or PIL that needed to adjust. There is 5 years difference between me and BIL and I didnt go back after uni so I just wanted to be sure that it wasn't me out of line. Starting to feel like my PIL Christmas is just being moved to our house...

OP posts:
BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 12/12/2019 12:04

'Bitty' is springing to mind here

itsnotserious · 12/12/2019 12:05

Sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn't have them stay tbh. If money is tight then I certainly wouldn't be hosting for 5 days while everyone else contributes very little. Particularly if there's a possibility the dog would damage furniture. I'd just say no sorry this isn't working for us anymore.

Icecreamsoda99 · 12/12/2019 12:08

The plan is for him to sneak down at 7am on christmas morning and open it on his parents bed whilst the rest are asleep and we do breakfast. he's 24?!? This sounds so odd to me!

I'm guessing your DP wants all her family there as otherwise it sounds like a nightmare! If you invite people I don't think you can expect them to pay their way but I know people have differing views on this. Do the stocking for your partner if it will make her happy.

Vesper8 · 12/12/2019 12:08

Bitty?
Yes DP and I are seriously considering pulling the plug. We went down to PIL last weekend and it was just tiring to be constantly questioned about why are you only doing 3 courses not the usual 5. I come from a small family that just focuses on having a nice day. I have splashed out on a few nice things to host and we were dead excited but it's starting to get us down. Thankyou for the replies. It's just good sometimes to know your thoughts are not out of line and I dont want to look like I'm bad mouthing PIL in RL before we've spoken to them.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 12:11

That's so bizarre.
Either they do Xmas stockings or they don't.
Their family is still all together so I don't see why it's an issue for them.

Do you think maybe they're trying to pressure DP into changing her mind and say she'll come 'home' for Xmas?

How far away do they live from you?

DowntonCrabby · 12/12/2019 12:12

What a bunch of ungrateful dicks!!

Vesper8 · 12/12/2019 12:13

No I certainly dont expect people to pay their way as I wouldn't have the first clue how much to offer if the role was reversed. The reason I mentioned it is PIL have said that they are all staying beyond christmas now and have invited other people without confirming with us first. We are already spending rather a lot and they had (more than) hinted they would help us out considerably given it was our first time hosting. Essentially, you put the time and labour in, dont worry about the cost. They sent over £50 and DP (against all the British politeness in her) did say to her dad that if they were staying in the house for 5 days, then perhaps a little bit more would be helpful. We booked a hotel for 2 of them but they are all insisting staying with us...we are both under 30, you can imagine the house is not huge for 10 people!

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 12/12/2019 12:13

Cancel. You don’t need this.

itsnotserious · 12/12/2019 12:16

Holy shit op they are really taking the piss!
You're not a hotel!

sarahjconnor · 12/12/2019 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/12/2019 12:16

It doesn't sound like a pleasant or fun Christmas at all, @Vesper8, and I would not blame you one bit for telling them they can't come.

I think it is really mean of your MIL to want to exclude your dp whilst giving her brother a stocking. I do stockings for all my boys (they are all in their twenties, but still enjoy them) and for dh, and he does one for me, so the year we went to my mum for Christmas there was no way I was going to let her be the only person without a stocking on Christmas morning - so I did her one too.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/12/2019 12:17

Sorry, can I just check, are they saying that DP will have a present but not a stocking, or are all presents in the stocking, meaning she would get nothing?

Vesper8 · 12/12/2019 12:19

Well, when the little 'changes' first started to be mentioned, we did ring all the people up and say that we were happy to not host and to come down instead. The family usually rotate (her dads family are left out so there is a history of 'our way or the highway' type of thing). It was her mums turn this year and she never enjoyed hosting so was more than happy to pass it off to us. I have to admit when DP and I first thought about it, perhaps naively, we thought people would just come up and welcome the 'all in it together' atmosphere and just be happy they were getting a home cooked meal regardless of how many courses. It's not going to be perfect, my roasties will probably not crisp to perfection or something wont fit in the oven, but we thought people would just smile at the effort. It's made me appreciate my mum so much more in dealing with my grandma who was similiar! She used to come in and turn the oven knobs and mess my mums timings up when 'trying to help' - my mum just smiled and sipped her sherry!

OP posts:
GingleJangleScarecrow · 12/12/2019 12:20

A stocking in mummys bed at 24? WTF?

This. And in secret. They are seriously deranged.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/12/2019 12:21

Having had time to catch up on your thread, the stocking is the tip of --Santa's North Pole iceberg here...

MeanMrMustardSeed · 12/12/2019 12:21

Cancel.

DappledThings · 12/12/2019 12:21

I can't get past adults having a stocking at all.

But none of this makes sense. Your MIL has said her daughter doesn't get a stocking because "you're not with us for Christmas" except you are together just not in MIL's home? But BIL isn't at MIL's either so the same rule doesn't apply?

LagunaBubbles · 12/12/2019 12:22

There's obviously a back story surrounding your DP and her brothers relationship with their Mum, her reason not doing a stocking for your DP doesn't make sense either.

Vesper8 · 12/12/2019 12:25

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants - I have to admit I'm at a disadvantage in the discussion with DP as I didn't have stockings when I was younger. We just opened all presents under the tree. So it's been a process trying to find out from her why her Mum wouldn't just spend the extra money this year to save potentially upsetting her daughter. Stockings sound like a lovely idea for smaller gifts and when children are younger. I would love to start a tradition with mine (currently starting the children journey hence I'm on Mumsnet!) but my opinion before this thread was there has to be a time when this stops.
DP's view - she doesn't want to be the one who says 'no, brother you are not getting presents' as she says she still got one up until last year but thinks her Mum should stop both and times have now changed rather than carry on this youthful family tradition into mid-late 20's....or everyone has a stocking and it becomes part of the Christmas spirit.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/12/2019 12:25

As someone who does stockings for adults, and gets one too, all I can say is that they are a bit of fun, @DappledThings. And we open them downstairs in the sitting room, not on mine and dh's bed - that would be weird!

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