Christmas Stockings

[Vesper8]

MIL is coming to ours on Christmas Eve until at least the 28th and informed DP (I'm gay) that she won't be getting a stocking this year as 'you're not with us for Christmas.' All fine - she's 27 and this is the first christmas that things have changed and they are coming to us rather than us going to our own families.

We are hosting all of DPs family (8 of them) for 2 nights and seeing my parents either side of christmas (they are fine with this and have elderly parents to consider too).
MIL started to mention last weekend about BILs stocking. He is 24 and has gone back to university after previously dropping out. He comes home for the holidays. DP asked when MIL was planning on giving BIL stocking. The plan is for him to sneak down at 7am on christmas morning and open it on his parents bed whilst the rest are asleep and we do breakfast. DP mentioned to FIL that whilst she doesnt want to deprive BIL of his stocking, she feels a bit left out of what used to be a family tradition and would have liked to open presents together. DP did say to MIL too 'well we are together Christmas so I dont understand' - it's not that she wants a stocking (she isn't materialistic by any means) but doesnt want a door shut on her in her own home on christmas morning?
MIL is very fun but can be cold. Last Christmas DP confronted her about an emotional affair with a man she had met on an online game (MIL constantly on her phone) and this year, we have decorated and brought a new bed to ensure there is enough guest space but been met with quite incessant criticism (the latest being that she couldn't understand why I wasnt just serving bisto gravy and that cooking for 10 was the same as 4 until FIL reminded her that she had a spare oven in the garage and her sister had cooked the turkey in advance! She is also refusing to confirm that she will keep the dog off the sofa and from jumping up and scratching the table, both of which are new. She just laughs at us when we mention it).
Who is BU?
I'm a bit sad for DP. I will of course buy DP a stocking eventhough we agreed no presents to save money (we have only received £100 betwen all 8 of them to host for 5 days) as a surprise but I feel that she is hurting more than she is letting on about how her mum is treating her. When she found out about the affair, MIL came into our room and told me that she 'had to do what was best' for her as DP was now my responsibility. I know it's their choice how they spend their money but am I wrong to be a little disappointed that they can't put a little stocking together for their daughter who is on the one who sees them regularly and does a lot for the family as opposed as well as just BIL who unfortunately is reliving his 18 year old fresher year?

Hmmm @LagunaBubbles there is a backstory. Brother struggled with his degree, dropped out, went and worked for Dad's company for a bit, now back at uni. Parents been on brink of divorce for years and both siblings are probably damaged from all the arguing in their childhood. But, don't we all have baggage. What I can't quite understand though is why that has randomly translated into this persistence about stockings and leaving hard-working, independent but loving sister out (I know I'm biased but brother in law has pretty much fell off the face of the earth since September) seemingly for no reason.
I said to DP the other day that I could swallow it more easily if MIL didn't insist on mentioning the stockings in every shop we went into. I just feel a bit of sadness for DP every time and then it turns into (slightly irrational) feelings of 'why am I letting my partner be treated like this in our own home'

Eh.. I'm 35 and my siblings and I (oldest present at this is 37 this year) still open our stockings xmas morning (along with my two kids) on my mum's massive bed. But it's more like 9am and everyone is there. It's how we start xmas morning, it's not that weird.

That said OP, pull the plug! MIL is being AWFUL to your partner and that is not okay, particularly not in YOUR house. Cancel the epic bastards and spend the saved money on something lovely for your partner.

Ok, so mil is being ridiculous, and tight, and they're taking the p*ss with the other arrangements too.

Rude fuckers
Cancel ,you don’t need this shite

How do you work it @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius - who gets one for whom? Each couple? I genuinely think that each couple getting them for each other, her parents for her brother and splitting her grandmas is the easiest going forward and everyone opening them in the living room. Argh I don't even want a stocking. Christmas discussion should not revolving around presents, I just don't want my DP to feel sad!

@Damntheman DP agrees with you in many ways - she's not against stockings per se or the lovely little family moment. She just doesn't want either her or her grandma left out in the cold. I am kind of glad I haven't been down to hers for Christmas before. Can you imagine her and her brother opening on her parents bed and me sat twiddling my thumbs in the other room? Also what's going to happen when we do have kids? Argh nothing as strange as families eh!

Currently looking for sofa covers to try and protect my cheap but one-off beautiful fabric sofa from dog claws. My parents have one too so I'm not anti-dog at all - I just would like our home to be respected and I fear 5 days of festive fun are going to leave their mark.

Thanks again everyone - DP and I will talk when we get home from work and make a plan of action for the conversation with the in-laws. Shall I just add that they are coming to pick brother up from uni this weekend (400 mile round trip). I hold my head in my hands sometimes and wonder why I didn't see this coming. I guess you just focus on what it could be and all the happiness of having the family over rather than the bad bits.

I'd be honest with them and say plans have got completely out of hand and you don't have the resources or headspace to accommodate all that they want. Stockings for adults are not weird, a 24 year old sneaking downstairs to open his on his parents bed is, does he run in and shout "He came! He came!"

It sounds as though MIL does stockings up to 25 years old and doesn't want to break that and get into present buying.

So the GM won't 'be left out in the cold' because it wouldn't be expected, or possibly even wanted.

The rest is usual family stuff, but I think I side with MIL on that one. We shouldn't be pressured into present buying.

"I fear 5 days of festive fun are going to leave their mark."

Yes it is, that's par for the course.

You do seem to have an issue with how she Parents her Son, which you've got to let go.

We always have stockings, but everyone gets one. Adults shouldn't be treated differently.

It is your house so your rules about the dog apply. You need to be really clear before they arrive that the dog isn't allowed on the sofa and if she laughs just repeat yourself. (I have a dog and wouldn't bring it to someone's house for five days, let alone let it bounce on sofas)

I would shorten the time a lot. I can't see this volume of people working for more than a couple of days max.

@dreichXmas

"We always have stockings, but everyone gets one. Adults shouldn't be treated differently."

That's for each family to decide. We don't do Adult presents, my DD's new boyfriend has been told this and my DD has made it clear that she won't be buying for his family, even if they buy for her.

Honestly? Grow up!
DP is 27 and worried about "not fair" "He's got more than me" . And you "confronted" an adult woman about an emotional affair??? (I'm sure you'd be fine if she did that to you).

If you move towards and adult relationship with your in-laws you are more likely to find things harmonious.

We all have stockings, across 3 generations. Partners buy for each other. Adult siblings buy for one sibling only, Parents buy for their children. This way single adults are not disadvantaged of buying for lots of people. Parents take responsibility for their own dependent children. We do similar with main present, but swap which sibling i.e year 1 for 3 adults 'A' buys B's stocking and C's main present. Year 2 'A' buys C's stocking and B's main. Spending limits are set for both to ensure fairness. Helps that we always have a big family Xmas together. Works for us 😀

I find it very strange that a 24 year old would want to open his stocking on his parents bed??

We've never done stockings for adults but surely if you do you just open them with the normal presents. Expecting him to 'sneak down' at 7am sounds very odd? What does your BIL think about it?

Our adult children get a gift from us and they get us a gift (always theatre tokens as we love them) but I can't think of anymore tiresome than making up stockings full of crap they'll probably not want or need. Aren't we supposed to be cutting down on all this needless waste? Who has the time and energy for all this stuff?

I know I sound like an old Scrooge but what's the point of it all? My adult children just enjoy being with us, eating and drinking and having fun, they don't expect more than that - thank goodness.

All this present giving angst is such a waste of time.

@Vesper8 - I get one for dh and he gets one for me, and I do the stockings for the dses. When BIL was here for Christmas (my MIL died, and her funeral was the 23rd of December, so BIL came to us that year), I did a stocking for him.

I don't know what we'll do when the boys start having Christmas elsewhere - now they are all adults, the time is coming when they will either go to their partners' parents for Christmas or will have Christmas at their own homes - I suspect that we won't post off stocking stuff then.

But if they and their girlfriends come to us, then I probably will do them both stockings - if they aren't doing them for eachother, that is. The same would apply if we had other guests staying over Christmas. And I am assuming that, as and when the boys have their own children, they will do stockings for them, whether they are at their own home or with us or the other grandparents.

But the bottom line is that I wouldn't want a situation where, on Christmas morning, some people were opening stockings whilst others looked on.

That sounds seriously weird. 24 is an adult! If she wants to do a stocking for her son that’s on her, although I can’t personally get my head round doing one for one child and not another. The first Christmas I spent at my in-laws, my mil made me a stocking too the same as her own children.

My DS is 4 - stocking on my bed on Christmas Day is fine. I do not plan to have him running into my room at 7am in 20 years time!

Maybe you should say that you're pleased to host on Christmas Day, but for anyone staying longer there is a contribution of £30 pp per day.
And that the dog can go in kennels as it's not trained.
I'm still trying to get my head around a 24yo who is willing to get up at 7am on Christmas Day to sit on his mummy's bed!
But if you do a stocking for your partner, how many stockings does she need?

Cancel. Just say that you've changed your mind and would like to have a quiet christmas instead. Set a budget and buy each other a nice present.

@Ponoka7 I meant that adults in one family shouldn't be treated differently.
Either everyone gets one or no one. It isn't okay that one adult sibling is given one and the other isn't.

There are hundreds of different ways of organizing gift giving and as long as it is consistent there isn't a right or wrong way.

we give stockings because it's fun. I usually arrange them for DH and the DCs (both uni age) and someone (one of the DC usually) does mine.
We've had the actual stockings for yonks, my mum made them, and we only put things in that we want/need/will consume. We're working through the wrapping paper we have but it will probably run out this year and then it will be present bags/boxes that we've had for years or newspaper.

It's just a bit of fun. Some people like it, some don't. We also put our boots out for St Nicholas on 5th December...

Let her give her son a stocking in private if that what she wants to do. Just put your weird face on.

There's opportunity for laughs tho. Swap his stocking contents for something else like a self help book for mummy's Boys or something. Then eat the goodies out of his stocking.

Definitely Bitty!! Grow up ffs - I can't get my head around a 27 year old being upset because mummy isn't going to sort her stocking out!

I don’t think it is the stocking itself that is the issue, @Londonmummy66 - it’s the way she is being treated differently to her brother - I can understand how the unfairness is hurting her.

We do stockings for everyone present on Christmas eve. Every adult present buys a £1 gift for every stocking. So we end up with 6 bits in each stocking - all done anonymously! It's just a bit if fun.

But yes cancel them coming and especially for the length of time. If you have to say they can come Christmas eve till boxing day then them and their hangers on must leave as it's too much.