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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tree decorations

61 replies

staceyflack · 12/12/2019 10:07

AIBU to be upset that my partner decided to take a long phone call and a shower whilst me and the kids decorated the tree. I know it's sentimental, but don't most families do it together?

OP posts:
RhymingRabbit3 · 12/12/2019 10:47

Why didnt you wait until he had finished his call and then decorate the tree together?

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 12/12/2019 10:50

As a pp said, as long as your children felt included and enjoyed the decorating with you and will grow up remembering Christmas as a special time, that's the main thing.

Your dh will undoubtedly be there for other things such as visiting FC, writing letters, Christmas Eve putting food out for FC and Reindeer, Christmas day stocking opening, watching The Snowman etc so give him a break if he misses something because he doesn't feel as strongly about it as you do.

There's just so much to do and often it's not always possible to do every little thing together. Just try and aim to make it as magical as you can for the children whether that's all together or not.

RevengeOfTheReindeer · 12/12/2019 10:51

No.

DH conceded to help me get the boxes down from the attic this year (recovering from surgery). DC and I decorated the tree. As usual he sat in the armchair, headphones on and watching a film on his iPad.

From what I can tell among my acquaintances, it's mums and children who decorate.

TheDivineOddity · 12/12/2019 10:51

Nah, it's just another job to get done, I normally do it on my own but this year I let DD (15) decorate it after I'd put the lights on it, it was a very stressful time for me and I had to reposition most of them myself later when she wasn't looking
I am a self confessed Christmas tree decorating control freak.

OneDay10 · 12/12/2019 10:58

I'm with you op. Decorating the tree together is very important to us and especially for my ds 3. We didnt have great childhoods so we try to make these little things special for us as a family.
We usually have some nice food out, xmas music on and make an event of it. My ds used his little step stool this year and put on the decorations. He was beyond himself with excitement.
Sounds twee but as I said its important to us.

DappledThings · 12/12/2019 11:01

DH and the DC did it this year. I mostly watched from the sidelines. I have little interest in it and DH cares more than me about how the finished effort looks. I was in the room though to be part if it.

My mum always used to try and get us involved as children and neither my brother or I were ever very interested.

Original poster
staceyflack · 12/12/2019 11:03

I couldn't wait as the girls needed to get to bed for school.

OP posts:
Sammi38 · 12/12/2019 11:05

My dh just does the lights. My 16 year old dd then does the decorating. It’s not really a family activity here.

But if it’s important to you and a tradition then that’s different.

Original poster
staceyflack · 12/12/2019 11:10

I should probably point out that my girls are 12 & 14 and their Dad left me around Christmas time 7 years ago. Sorry for drip feed. I genuinely thought my current partner (the girls stepdad of 5 years) was in the wrong, but I can see now that I'm very sensitive this time of year. It breaks my heart that we are not a traditional family unit. I realise I'm being unrealistic, it's those darn movies that I've based a traditional family on. The breakup was a huge shock.

OP posts:
BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 12/12/2019 11:14

Is he a good partner and stepdad generally, op?

SerenDippitty · 12/12/2019 11:15

I always do ours. I enjoy it.

onanothertrain · 12/12/2019 11:16

If you behave like this and are very sensitive every Christmas because of things that happened before you met him I can understand why he's a bit pissed off with your reaction and tears.

DillyDilly · 12/12/2019 11:17

It’s nice to decorate the tree as a family. Usually young kids are eager to help out and then disappear after five minutes. It’s also nice to have help setting up the tree and sorting out the lights.

Did your DH know that you were doing the three there and then, had you talked about doing it together and agreeing the time ? If so, then it was out of order for him to disappear off.

Delegate the undecorating of the tree in a few weeks to him since you decorated it, he can undecorate.

Drum2018 · 12/12/2019 11:21

YABU. Dh never helps decorate the tree or put up decorations. He takes the tree out of the shed and that's his contribution. I put on the lights and then the kids and I decorate it. Dh puts up outdoor lights but the rest of us don't help him.

gothefcktosleep · 12/12/2019 11:24

What role would he play?

It is a sweet idea, but my husband knows not to get under my feet where the decorations are concerned (unless it’s to put something on the ceiling or high on the wall). He gets them down from the attic for me and stands back like any sensible human being would around me

halloumi2019 · 12/12/2019 11:29

I don’t think I ever decorated the tree with my dad involved, ever haha. Just my mum/siblings. My dad would do other bits like put wall or ceiling decorations up or sort techy bits out like lighting

Coralfish · 12/12/2019 11:33

DH was playing video games whilst I did ours. It also ended in a tantrum (from me, not the kids!) when the lights I had tested first suddenly didn't work. I changed the fuse, changed the whole plug, discovered we didn't have a bulb tester, changed some random bulbs until I gave up and took everything off the tree again (because the lights had gone on first) and ordered new ones from Amazon. Then did it all again the next day. It was not a fun Christmassy experience at all.

BenevolentEzza · 12/12/2019 11:35

I went out and bought the tree, dumped it unceremoniously in the lounge and buggered off to work, leaving my husband and kids to it.

Came back home to the house looking like a crazy psychedelic grotto 😂

We do have our own family "traditions" - the sodding tree decorating is not one of them though. It's a pain in the ass job and whilst I do admire other people's trees, I wouldn't be bothered if we didn't have one.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2019 11:36

Yes share the load but do separate things.
I make DP stretch out all the dusty branches and untangle lights, I don't have the patience.
I decorate.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 12/12/2019 11:38

*WombbleishMerryChristmasOfThigh are you me? No dc here either and most years I put the decs up while DH is out (this year we did them together to try and take our minds off DDog1 who we had to have put to sleep but it didn't feel right).

OP as a child our routine was: dad got out the tree, put it up and checked the lights before putting them on the tree while Mum and us put up ornaments etc. Dsis, dm and I then decorated the tree while dad wandered around putting all the boxes / storage tins etc out of the way. Then when we were almost done, he put the empty boxes back in the attic and we tried to sneak the chocolates on where he wouldn't notice the. All with Christmas music in the background - I think that's quite film like BUT both parents were never doing the same thing at the same time.

If you want him involved, ask him but if he doesn't want to be, it can be a tradition for just you and dc.
After reading your updates, I would say to concentrate more on the lovely times you can have with your dc rather than how you think things should look. Hard when it a difficult time of year for you Thanks

LaudableLaura · 12/12/2019 11:42

I’m sorry this is a difficult time of year for you, OP. I would try not to put too much pressure on yourself or your DH to create the “perfect” Christmas, although I do understand why his lack of interest was disappointing. I’ve found since getting married and having a baby that people don’t always live up to my idea of how things should be done. I’m not saying lower your expectations, but as long as he is involved in other ways, to maybe manage your expectations, especially if they’re based on cheesy American films!

Original poster
staceyflack · 12/12/2019 11:45

Thank you everyone. He is a very good partner and stepdad. Looks like I have an apology to make.

OP posts:
81Byerley · 12/12/2019 11:51

I have always done the tree because I'm fussy. I do put on Christmas music, and my husband is in the room or bringing me cups of tea. When the children were small I used to use lametta, and I took a leaf out of my mother's book, and got them to hang the strands singly after the tree was decorated. It takes ages, the children loved it, and it was the perfect opportunity to nod off in the armchair!

MurrayTheMonk · 12/12/2019 12:01

I would be a bit annoyed I think. We've always done it as a family both when I was married and now it's just me and the DD's. We make a bit of a day if it. I take them to get their baubles for the year and then on the way back we go and buy the tree, then spend the rest of the day trimming up with a tin of quality st on the go and a few wines for me-then we watch a Christmas film usually (though this year we watched the boxing instead). It's when Christmas starts proper for us really. I'd be a bit Hmm if there was someone else in the house not taking part in any of that.

I trim the rest of the house up (I have branches hung from the ceilings in the rest of the house and I put baubles and lights on them and I have a little kitchen Christmas tree as well) over a few nights the rest of The week on my own but the big tree is a family effort.

ManCubsMama · 12/12/2019 12:18

I did mine with my baby in his bouncer, dog in his bed and husband laid on the sofa drinking port

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