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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell them?

43 replies

Blurby · 12/12/2019 06:33

Hello,

Having a bit of a moral dilemma and could do with some outside perspective.

My husband and I have been trying for our second baby. Found out last week that I'm 12 weeks pregnant (while trying this happened quicker than we thought). It was a lovely surprise.

However, I've just been offered a job that starts in the new year. I'm feeling very awkward about telling them. It's a small, all-male team. I'm due to meet with them before the end of year to discuss start dates etc. but I don't know when is best to tell them. Do I wait until I'm in the door in January?

From a business point of view, they won't need to pay me any mat leave or experience any financial loss really, but I'm struggling with this morally.

Considering I'll be about 16/17 weeks when I start, has anyone else been in a similar situation or have any advice?

OP posts:

Raindancer411 · 12/12/2019 06:40

I would be truthful as lying isn't a good start to getting on with people in a company. But that is me...

Whynotnowbaby · 12/12/2019 06:44

I think I would tell them as they will know you probably already knew and wonder why you didn’t tell them before if you leave it. They probably won’t be thrilled but it would be very unprofessional of them to show it. I had similar when I had just been promoted in my last job. I had intended to do at least a year in it before I needed maternity but it didn’t work out that way, sometimes it doesn’t!

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2019 06:46

You don't need to tell them at that stage but you may be showing by the time you start, or soon after. They will need to replace you clearly for however long you take for mat leave and that's often difficult for a small company, they will need to pretty much start recruitment straight away for your replacement.

They can't discrimate, and if you've signed your contract then the job is yours, but I'd not expect them to welcome you with open arms.

If you tell them up front at least you have the benefit of them seeing you as honest. If you withhold it, and start showing or are showing very soon after you start, they will clearly know you knew and with held the info from them and not view this positively.

I'd tell them myself.

Congrats on the pregnancy.

1Morewineplease · 12/12/2019 06:46

You really need to tell them straight away.
You will need time off for appointments, scans etc... and your employer will need to arrange for maternity cover.

I’m not sure that your timing has been great and your employer might be irked.

dudsville · 12/12/2019 06:48

Do you have any sense as to whether your role could go unfilled, whether it's a role that could get and can manage easily with mat leave cover, or if they need someone to hit the ground running with particular skills that are more rare? If I were in your shoes I would be considering these points. For instance, generally speaking my role is quite specialist and hard to get, but lots of people are trained and want it so my absence would be easily covered.

MynameisJune · 12/12/2019 06:51

I started a new job at 6 weeks pregnant, I didn’t tell them until I was 15 weeks pregnant because we’d had previous losses. I was very apologetic about it because I know it’s not great. Both my male bosses were brilliant about it.

In your case I think I would tell them because you’ll be showing very soon and it doesn’t sit well with me to lie for my own gain. Although you don’t need to tell them until you’re 25 weeks legally.

Original poster

Blurby · 12/12/2019 06:52

Thank you for your responses. They would get maternity cover easily enough and I would want to help with that as much as I could.

I'll tell them when I meet before Christmas as it's the right thing to do. But I reckon that if I get a bad vibe or the relationship seems strained because of that, I won't continue with the company as that's not the atmosphere I want to work in.

OP posts:

aveenos · 12/12/2019 06:55

I would be truthful as lying isn't a good

not telling her new employer that she is pregnant until 25 weeks is not lying, FFS.

OP, you don't have to tell them until 25 weeks. I would probably wait until then unless it's a job where you would need a risk assessment.

soisolated · 12/12/2019 07:09

Literally feels like we have gone back in time reading some of these replies. You are not legally obligated to tell employer until 15 weeks before due date. Do not apologise expect to be treated any differently of listen to some of the rubbish posted above. You have maternity rights enshrined in British law, if you are in Britain anyway. Many congratulations on you pregnancy and this is what employer will tell you, anything else is discrimination

AlwaysCheddar · 12/12/2019 07:31

The pressures on companies with absence is significant and if it’s a small team, it could really have an impact - recruitment costs can be substantial. I’d tell them and see if it’s ok. If yes, then what a great place! If no, lucky escape.

aveenos · 12/12/2019 07:37

I’d tell them and see if it’s ok.

what do you mean? asking them if she could still work there now she dared to get pregnant?

are some of these responses for real???

myfuckingfreezer · 12/12/2019 07:41

I would tell them. If you hide it you're signalling that it's something you know you shouldn't be doing. If you're upfront and breezy about it, you're letting them realise it's normal and part and parcel of employment

CluelessNewMama · 12/12/2019 07:50

You’re not obliged to tell them yet, although I’d probably tell them before the start date so you can discuss risk assessments, reasonable adjustments, time needed for appointments, etc, and so that you can work together to plan your cover.

You should not in any way feel guilty or awkward about this. Your pregnancy is something to celebrate not be ashamed of. Women have babies and employers need to just accept that (in my experience most managers just get that it’s something that happens and just needs to be worked around).

Zebrasinpyjamas · 12/12/2019 07:54

I think I'd tell them soon just so you don't fret about telling them. It won't change anything-if they are going to be difficult, they will be difficult now or when you tell them in January.

WorldsOnFire · 12/12/2019 07:56

If you tell them there is a good chance they’ll try to give you the brush off (post no longer available...etc). They won’t admit it’s due to pregnancy - but it will be!
It’s not about mat pay, (Stat pay is reclaimed from gov anyway 👍🏻) it’s about you going off on leave for X long without cover. Mat leave is really hard to fill as it’s just a really long temp contract and very few people want that- even in my big multinat firm it’s a nightmare.

However, if you don’t tell them I would fully expect there to be an atmosphere when you do. They will assume you knew and hid this (your legal right not to disclose). They shouldn’t judge you for this but I imagine they will...and hard! You’ll become ‘that woman who took the job pregnant’ and tbh chances of progression will be pretty much shot!

^ I might be wrong- this company might be one of the very rare ‘good’ ones that behave like they should - but those companies are very rare.

I’m 6 months pregnant with my first and have spent most of this pregnancy signed off due to illness. Work have found this very difficult and been unable to source cover. Luckily I’d worked for them for 2 years (ish) before pregnancy and had a very good reputation so they’ve been lovely about it. But I’m almost sure I won’t get promoted/progress in the next couple of years as they’ll be cautious I’ll have a second and go off sick again - then long mat leave.

In fairness I probably will 👍🏻

misspiggy19 · 12/12/2019 08:05

**If you tell them up front at least you have the benefit of them seeing you as honest. If you withhold it, and start showing or are showing very soon after you start, they will clearly know you knew and with held the info from them and not view this positively.

I'd tell them myself.**

*I would do this.

DeathStare · 12/12/2019 08:07

I can't believe these replies. Don't tell them until you need to. Just google "pregnancy discrimination" or "pregnant and screwed" to see the likelihood of them illegally discriminating against you and withholding the job.

BaronessBomburst · 12/12/2019 08:11

I wouldn't tell them.
Did you see the thread earlier this year from a MNer in the same position who then had the job offer withdrawn?

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2019 08:13

They can do that any way, as she's a new start, they can fire her and claim it's for shit performance, and even better, they can say oh we didn't know she was pregnant, she didn't tell us.

If the op wants this work relationship to work, she should start off treating them as she'd want to be treated, being honest, and trying to forge a positive relationship.

Starting off with the position they are going to fuck me so I'll fuck them first, is batshit.

WorldsOnFire · 12/12/2019 08:21

It really is very very common to be discriminated against during pregnancy.

A few years ago I dated a ‘progressive’ guy who was deputy head of a primary school. They recruited a new teacher (had a couple already on mat leave so were short staffed) he came home raving about a candidate and said decision was made they were offering her the vacant teaching position she was perfect 👍🏻. A couple of weeks later he came home fuming that they’d had to withdraw her offer as they’d found out ‘friend of a friend in the teaching industry’ that this woman was pregnant, and ‘they couldn’t afford another one of those’ 🙄

He genuinely thought they were in the right and this woman was a CF they’d been lucky enough to dodge 🤔 needless to say the relationship did not last long after that. Left a thoroughly bitter taste in my mouth!

WorldsOnFire · 12/12/2019 08:22

^ it was not a mat cover post - it was a regular FT teaching post btw

Original poster

Blurby · 12/12/2019 08:25

A lot of the responses on here have made me feel as though I'm doing something wrong, which is how I'm already feeling, when I'm only asking for advice. I'm tempted to contact them and decline the offer to be honest as I feel like whether I'm honest or not, I'm letting them down from the get go.

OP posts:

aveenos · 12/12/2019 08:31

A lot of the responses on here have made me feel as though I'm doing something wrong, which is how I'm already feeling, when I'm only asking for advice

you are not doing anything wrong. Ignore the replies with an ancient attitude. Such awful advice. What kind of support is that where you are made to feel guilty for being pregnant - on a forum aimed at mums after all.

Start the job, you don't need to inform them before 25 weeks. If you are not showing, I would keep quiet. The legislation is there for a reason. Good luck

ShirleyPhallus · 12/12/2019 08:32

I started a job early this year and didn’t realise it, but was a few weeks pregnant by the time I started. I know EXACTLY how you feel, it’s horrible that at a time when you should be celebrating the news, it’s tainted by the feeling you’ve somehow done something wrong.

I waited until the 12 week scan then told my work and they couldn’t have been nicer. From a legal perspective, they cannot discriminate against you for being pregnant. And also, my boss said that when you hire women of child baring age, you should expect that this will happen at some point.

I’d tell them when you start, you aren’t under any obligation to do so until 15 weeks before your DD anyway. Good luck with the pregnancy.

ohwheniknow · 12/12/2019 08:36

Don't screw yourself out of the job by turning it down because of anonymous strangers on the internet.

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