To ask those in long term happy relationships

[thisisnewname]

Are you a male or female? Which country male partner is from? Want to mention I am not racist. I am from SE Asian culture and I think there is a difference in attitude in general.

dh and I have arguments.We both are seeing separate male therapists. He makes some efforts, but has taken me for granted for some things important to me.

In my individual session, I mentioned dh being caring for me in sickness(nothing major where I really needed help), being affectionate, helping with house-chores. Therapist asked if I think it's not normal. I was trying to give some credit to dh to balance things. But therapist said these things are normal, most men look after their partners in sickness, do equal share of house-chores.

I don't think it's the norm. My opinion is based on males in my family and culture, also what I read on internet (American relationship blogs).

Dh's therapist has a little different opinion - he believes men tend to be certain ways (not so emotional, more task-oriented, can zone out). I know this because I have read his blog on his website.

I want to know what the norm is. My therapist is British, dh's is American and we both are from SE Asian background. I am the only female. And every one has a different view on how men are usually in relationship - other than basic respect, trust, etc.

Many thanks!

In a very happy marriage, both born in the UK. He does more than half the house work and looks after me when I have a flare up of my arthritis. He is kind and thoughtful to everyone and I am very lucky. I have had abusive partners in the past but I took some time being single and having therapy and thankfully it gave me better boundaries.

Female, both white British and very happy. Together 7 years, he looks after me in ill health and he looks after me when I’m well. He’s there for me whatever and does his fair share around the house. He’s brilliant with my friends and family and generally a lovely person. He wouldn’t think twice about helping me when poorly, and it’s sad you think that isn’t normal.

I think , woman become very passive to husbands behaviour. But I think that's part of there rules /as they need is belong to someone .

And the people listing race his embarrassing are you

80% of married men cheat mostly with sex workers

This thread takes me back to a place where your nationality, skin colour , made a difference how shame

rednosereindeer Pardon ?

Both women, both western/white. We work on 50/50 on most things - childcare, household chores, if one cooks the other does the dishes etc.
I'm more organised, look after the smaller things. DW is more 'big picture' and tends to do that stuff.
I work PT so do a bit more on the kid front. DW works full-time but still does a lot with kids before/after school/weekends.

We look after each other when one of us is ill. we support each other equally.

It's not perfect, of course we argue at times but we have been together 15+ years so have learned to pick our battles.

I do everything Monday to Friday as he works 70 hours a week and travels overnight weekly, so that's completely fine. I'm a sahm and have no problem with that.

But he makes lavish lunch every Sunday and adores his kids, he's v hands on when here.

You need to look beyond culture to workkng patterns.

We are both British. He definitely looks after me when I’m sick but both of us share the characteristic that we can’t deal with people being whiny/pathetic when they are sick, so we will be really supportive practically and give lots of cuddles and dibs on food/tv choice but as soon as the other person has a sniff of being self pitying they get gently laughed at and cajoled out of it.

In terms of chores, we share but I probably point out what needs doing more as I’m more organised. We also have me chores and him chores based on things we like/dislike e.g he does outside chores and hoovering as I have a dust allergy and hate cold. I fold and sort laundry and do most cooking, I empty the litter tray as he’s squeamish and I’m a better cook. We are a team.

I’m very happy in my relationship. We’ve been together for 16years and married for 11 of them. I’m female, my husband is male, and we are both British.
We both work full time and share household chores (normally by room/task so it is clear what needs doing, eg I keep the living room clean and tidy and he does the kitchen). But if one of us is ill, the other picks up the slack.
I’m probably more emotional than DH and he might be slightly more task focused, but he still communicates with me and makes me feel loved.

I'm female Irish, husband is also Irish, we've been together nearly 20 years, he does his share with household chores, cooking, kids, looks after me when I'm sick and is affectionate. This should be the norm and I don't know why people put up with less

I am a British woman, my husband is Scandinavian. When I am ill DH will do everything; look after kids, take them where they need to be, feed them, clean the house, tidy up, do the laundry. He'll also bring me tea and any food I might be able to keep down, keeps the bedroom quiet and dark so I can sleep (keeps the kids away unless I want them), asks if he can bring me anything, will even take the kids out of the house all day if I'm really bad.

I'd consider that completely normal! When I'm not sick he does half of the housework and half of the child rearing work, it's very equal. I'm very happy in my relationship!

I'd consider that completely normal!

Exactly! It should be normal, the fact that men do their fair share of life jobs and are good partners shouldn't some sort of amazing achievement. Women need to set their bars higher

Your husband's therapist sounds sexist.

Not a great quality in a therapist.

Can I ask what led you both to therapy?

It doesn't really matter where you're from - there's a huge amount of variation in individual relationships.

I know hundreds of South east Asian couples and some men are sexist and some aren't.

Are you happy with a sexist husband?

My partner of 29 years and I are both Scottish.

We both work part time, both used to do full time until we bought the house. Housework is pretty 50/50 though I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it and he's a lousy cook. Childcare was also split pretty 50/50 though they're grown now, we always worked shifts so we could care for them ourselves.

If one of us is sick the other looks after them and yes, I'd consider that normal and not particularly noteworthy.

I think there are sexist and non sexist men in all cultures.

DH is SE Asian, he shares the cooking and housework with me, he shares childcare, and atm I'm pregnant and have had so much morning sickness - he's taken over 99% of the cooking, anything DS related I'd usually do (like booking school visits), and has done so much popping to the shop to get me the specific brands of stuff that don't make me feel ill. His dad can be a bit old fashioned sometimes but is a great cook!

I'm Italian (and so is my dad), when my mum had breast cancer when I was a teen he nursed her so well. He also does a lot of cooking (mum does most of the housework but she is a housewife and dad still works f/t).

I am 1/2 British & 1/2 Med he is British
I am the major bread earner, he does most of the cooking, cleaning, washing and household chores. He works part-time for a bit of extra money for him. He pays the food bill I pay everything else and pay the food on special occasions.
We look after each other when we are ill but neither of us are high maintenance. (me a bit more so). He lacks a bit of empathy sometimes especially when I am a bit more emotional. I sometimes need to prod him when I think he should make a bit of effort with his grown up children.
Been together 23 years, no children of our own but his children are my children. Ups & downs, e is not perfect and of course I am :)

My DH and I are both white British. My DH does lots around the house and looks after me and the children if we are ill. I was raised by a father who did his fair share of the housework and was always kind and nurturing when I was ill, I couldn’t be with a man who was not like this.

Both white British. Been together almost 20 years.

DH looks after me when I'm ill, we split chores - e.g. I load dishwasher, he unloads it in the morning. I cook during the week, he does all of the weekend meals.

He is a northerner and grew up in a 'typical' household for his area (WC, Dad at ft manual work, Mum doing pt work). That has made no difference to his attitude and approach - which is that we are a team who both work ft, that he lives here too and its not a hotel!

I’m British female, fiancé is Portuguese male. If I’m being truthful, he probably does a little bit more than me. Things have evened out more now that I’m beginning to enjoy cooking (he used to do 100%) and I have took over some of the household admin/finances. We have a cleaner and dishwasher which alleviates our most hated chores. I still do things around the house (general tidying, laundry, recycling) and he does all DIY, garden, bins, errands in the car. I do pretty much all the “life admin” but I’m a super organised person anyway and not sure I’d trust him to do it!

Both white British here. Currently sat in A&E with my DH after my GP referred me up this morning. So he definitely had the sickness and health bit covered.

Chores wise, we both default to different chores, but do about the same. If either of us are busy or feeling ill, then the other steps up. It’s a partnership. If it’s not the norm, it should be.

Both White British. He is more likely to give the kitchen a clean, do the hoovering, take the bins out and put laundry washes on, whereas I do the less regular "deep cleaning" stuff like the bathroom, windows, dusting etc and remembering what needs buying/doing/organising. I think we are both very sympathetic towards each other when we are ill, but I get exasperated if I don't think he's looking after himself properly and he gets annoyed when I get behind on chores. If we talk it through however he will usually be very understanding and want to help out. He's a very practical but kind man. We both work and pay equal amounts into our house.

We both have our faults and I am definitely a bit of a slob, but I think it's all about coming to an agreement that suits the both of you and doesn't end in resentment. That being said, everyone deserves to be looked after when they're poorly!

Both SE Asian ethnicity, but born and raised in the U.K. DH works full time & I am at university full time doing medicine.

DH & I work as a team, if one of us can’t do something due to work/uni commitments, then the other one picks it up without an issue. But we both strive towards making each other’s lives easier, so don’t feel put out or annoyed if we have to do some extra chores occasionally. I’m currently pregnant and DH has been going a bit overboard in trying to make me comfortable as possible, cooking dinner, dishes, cleaning our home, bins etc. Sometimes I feel like a spare part! However I appreciate the effort as I’m knocked out by 8pm most days!

I do agree that in SE Asian culture, men are a bit more “laid back” in their approach to housework, child rearing etc but I feel it is more generational (I.e GP’s and Parents) and is slowly getting phased out.

It’s great that you’re getting therapy OP! I hope it helps you and your DH xx