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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know this friend is wrong but how can i explain it to her

71 replies

Mumof3angels90 · 11/12/2019 14:15

So I have this 'friend', I use the term lightly only because I've not known her very long. She has 4 young kids, youngest only 18months. I also have 3 young kids similar ages to her. However she is a single mum and I can only imagine how hard it must be for her and from what shes told me shes had a really difficult couple of years with ex partner so I dont want to start reporting her to ss, id rather use a different approach first.
I see her walking everywhere- she lives on the same street I'm not a stalker (school runs, after school clubs) and often without the younger ones who are not yet at school so I asked her a couple of times where they are and she said they are at home and fine. Shes left them watching tele or in their bedroom with the gate closed. The school isnt close, think 30 minute round trip that's a long time to leave 2 small kids, sometimes 3 all alone! This is a regular occurence, even more so now that it's cold and it makes me feel sick with anxiety to think what can happen to them as I could never ever even imagine leaving mine alone. Also one of them has ADHD who she leaves alone and she is a handful.
I've mentioned to her that she should really be careful and not leave them and she always says they are absolutely fine and they r locked in one room. I dont want to keep saying it or sound judgey I know shes got it tough but I cant help feel responsible if anything was to happen. I hope to God it never ever does.
What would you do and what's the best way to address it? She seems so strong willed and there seems like no easy way to convince her to not do what she does.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof3angels90 · 11/12/2019 16:36

Also please ignore any new thread on this and apologies I hadn't realised I've got 2 email addresses and thought this post hadn't been posted so reposted again I've asked mumsnet to delete the recent one

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof3angels90 · 11/12/2019 17:00

I feel absolutely terrible. She really is a good mum at other times and tries her best. I just want her to get support not her kids taken off her.

OP posts:

HanginWithMyGnomies · 11/12/2019 17:14

@Mumof3angels90 you’re doing the right thing. Children’s services will look into the family and offer services to help, not persecute her.

I won’t lie. It is going to be stressful for her at first, but will immediately protect the children and help them all as a family in the long term. She may just need some support and guidance.

FatBlobbyBob · 11/12/2019 17:20

Does she have older teenage children that are looking after them, I cant think why she would admit they are home alone.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/12/2019 17:27

I'd report it to the school for two reasons, they are duty bound to report it AND then there is no way they won't be keeping an eye on the older ones too.

Fucck · 11/12/2019 17:28

I cant think why she would admit they are home alone.

Me either tbh, the very few times I've ever performed any questionable parenting - like fuck I've admitted it to joe bloggs on the street.

Original poster

Mumof3angels90 · 11/12/2019 17:29

Because I genuinely dont think she thinks there is anything wrong with it and that's why shes happy to say they are home alone. No older teen kids. Oldest Is 9.

OP posts:

MincePiesGetInMyBelly · 11/12/2019 17:36

I had to do this last year in similar circumstances. I called SS to report it and the school). She did not have kids taken away but I know for sure they paid her a visit. They also advised calling the police if ever I knew the kids were being left home alone as they were classed as at immediate risk.

For me, it was a no-brainer as I couldn't have forgiven myself if there had been a fire etc and I hadn't done anything.

The lady in question freely admitted doing it - all she said was they'd be fine. She literally had no concept that there were external risks. Was gobsmacking really.

merrymouse · 11/12/2019 17:39

I would contact the school, even if your child doesn't go there. The head's details will be on the website - if you are concerned about confidentiality and your concerns to a general email address, write an actual letter to the head.

The worst that can happen is that they write you off as a busybody, but I don't think they would given the responses you have received here.

The school already know the children and can, as MrsPellegrino says, keep an eye on the family. However, at least initially they will just be another case for a social worker.

Fucck · 11/12/2019 17:41

Because I genuinely dont think she thinks there is anything wrong with it

Surely anyone with any sort of brain knows you can't leave an under two unattended, for up to an hour! I just don't accept that she's that thick.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/12/2019 17:44

She needs to be told it is not safe YANBU

JustASmallTownCurl · 11/12/2019 17:54

If children are in danger then the threshold isn't "does their mum / dad give a shit or not care?"

The threshold is "are the children in danger?" You can't only report people you think are horrible or maliciously negligent.

Her children are being left in an unsafe position and if she hasn't naturally and organically realised that she shouldn't be leaving them in the way she does then she needs some professional intervention to help her do right by her kids.

Don't feel you're damning her character by reporting, you're helping her kids be safe.

Tinkobell · 11/12/2019 18:03

She will obviously know that it's you if you report OP. Friendship-wise, sadly you're already totally stuffed. So what I would do in your shoes, is tell her either she takes the little ones along on the drop-off or makes other arrangements or you'll have no choice but to call Social Services. I'd actually be firm but give her a chance to stop it! If she doesn't do it then make that call.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/12/2019 18:10

I cant think why she would admit they are home alone

I have known people who genuinely don't think there's anything wrong or they just think it's risky but it's a risk you just take. One was a solicitor who left her kid in the car while she went shopping,"it was Waitrose so it would be ok" The other left a 6 week old in the car outside her house while she went for a walk, she was out for about half an hour. It obviously want the first time she'd done it.

Some people's parenting is very different from the ideal.

Happygirl79 · 11/12/2019 18:14

The children are at risk
Report to social services

Original poster

Mumof3angels90 · 11/12/2019 19:28

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor omg a 6 week old that's outrageous

OP posts:

Skinnychip · 11/12/2019 20:52

A 6 week old could probably get itself into less trouble than an 18 month old though. (Not that I condone either scenario) My DS was an absolute nightmare as a toddler for finding/doing something dangerous, he needed watching like a hawk.

Original poster

Mumof3angels90 · 11/12/2019 21:18

Well this is why I'm so surprised shes sees nothing wrong with it because her 4 year old is really hyper and can do all sorts so I'm surprised she even leaves the 18month old with her. Ergh the more I think the more it worries me. I'm going to deal with it in the morning.

OP posts:

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 11/12/2019 22:31

I'm really relieved you're going to deal with it in the morning. A 4yo and an 18mo in the same room is an accident waiting to happen tbh, and that's with parents around.

Crabbitstick · 11/12/2019 22:35

YABU to not report this to social services.

Whattodoabout · 11/12/2019 22:37

The 9 year old could be left for half an hour imo, I leave my 9 year old DS for that long sometimes and he’s fine. He knows how to escape if there’s a random fire and he knows how to dial 999 or call me if he needs help. He actually enjoys the alone time tbh .

18 months is obviously far too young to be left alone and is neglectful parenting. Toddlers need to be watched 24/7, they’re a toddling risk factor.

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