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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know this friend is wrong but how can i explain it to her

71 replies

Mumof3angels90 · 11/12/2019 14:15

So I have this 'friend', I use the term lightly only because I've not known her very long. She has 4 young kids, youngest only 18months. I also have 3 young kids similar ages to her. However she is a single mum and I can only imagine how hard it must be for her and from what shes told me shes had a really difficult couple of years with ex partner so I dont want to start reporting her to ss, id rather use a different approach first.
I see her walking everywhere- she lives on the same street I'm not a stalker (school runs, after school clubs) and often without the younger ones who are not yet at school so I asked her a couple of times where they are and she said they are at home and fine. Shes left them watching tele or in their bedroom with the gate closed. The school isnt close, think 30 minute round trip that's a long time to leave 2 small kids, sometimes 3 all alone! This is a regular occurence, even more so now that it's cold and it makes me feel sick with anxiety to think what can happen to them as I could never ever even imagine leaving mine alone. Also one of them has ADHD who she leaves alone and she is a handful.
I've mentioned to her that she should really be careful and not leave them and she always says they are absolutely fine and they r locked in one room. I dont want to keep saying it or sound judgey I know shes got it tough but I cant help feel responsible if anything was to happen. I hope to God it never ever does.
What would you do and what's the best way to address it? She seems so strong willed and there seems like no easy way to convince her to not do what she does.

OP posts:
DarkLikeVader · 11/12/2019 15:36

If you're absolutely sure, then report - but I had someone get very cross with me for leaving my youngest 'home alone' when he was napping so I could do the school run. It turned out she hadn't realised that my 'at work' DH was upstairs in his office at home, in the next room to napping DS!

HanginWithMyGnomies · 11/12/2019 15:36

@Mumof3angels90 I really do appreciate that you want to support your friend here, but this is really serious and the children are at risk (I say this as a recently retired social worker). Please report this.
Reporting her doesn’t mean adding to her stress or having her children removed, it means getting her help and support in most cases.

beachysandy81 · 11/12/2019 15:40

Just call social services, you tried your best.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 11/12/2019 15:41

I'd ring the police tbh

Equanimitas · 11/12/2019 15:42

Can you combine warning her with offering to help - e.g. go round to hers before the school run to help get the younger children up and out of the house?

Fucck · 11/12/2019 15:43

Just beware that she'll know it's you who's called any sort of authority as you've already called her on it. There'll be no anonymity.
I know it probably makes no odds in the circumstances, but she could turn nasty.

SafferUpNorth · 11/12/2019 15:44

Leaving young kids like that at home alone for half an hour is something I find unacceptable. But equally, like you OP, I would hesitate to simply report to Social Services if I know that this could result in her losing her kids, when all she might need is a bit of help and support.
The question is whether she understands how dangerous this is and why it would generally not be acceptable to leave kids that young at home alone for half an hour.

Could you offer to take the school run in turns while the other watches the littlies, like others have suggested? That's a positive offer of help and also allows more of a conversation around risks. And you'll get a better idea of whether/why she thinks it's perfectly OK.

After that you can make a call as to whether to report to SS.

kateandme · 11/12/2019 15:45

is there any way you can be more direct to her first.make it clear you will step in if she doesnt change

churchandstate · 11/12/2019 15:45

I honestly wouldn’t care whether she knew it was me or not. Nobody can think this is okay, surely? It can’t be a shock to her that anyone she tells is going to act on it.

user1483387154 · 11/12/2019 15:47

this needs to be reported

kateandme · 11/12/2019 15:48

i know some pople say ss are there to help.but in some areas for some mothers or families it can start a spiral that couldve/possibly shouldve been aoided. and yes what she is doing is wrong.but some ss arent just lovely folk coming to tap their head and make sure they are ok.
services no are fraught.some are shit. stepping in you have to make sure you have done everything else.

Lizzie0869 · 11/12/2019 15:48

I'm sorry, you have no choice but to report this. You'd never forgive yourself if there were to be a house fire. The advice to report through the NSPCC sounds like the best option to me, too.

Those kids will be very scared, too.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 15:49

No, don't call the police Hmm how ridiculous

Ask the school for MASH contact details, they will have all the info you need and will at least advise you who to contact.

You are not sending her to jail or doing anything, she will be contacted by people who can offer support and protect the children. Why wouldn't you do it? 30 minutes is far too long to leave an 18 months old!

gingerninja99 · 11/12/2019 15:52

Ask yourself this ....
What's easier to live with, her finding out your reported her or something happening to cause injury or death to one of those children?
I know which one would allow me to sleep at night

MrsWombat · 11/12/2019 15:52

The school age child will know the younger siblings are being left at home alone so if you go through the school they might be able to make it look like the reports come from them? Definitely tell someone.

However, she may well have a secret boyfriend/lodger at home with the kids and is more scared of losing her benefits.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 11/12/2019 15:53

Why is it ridiculous to call the police? If she sees her out without them, and they're home alone, then they're at immediate risk of harm.

If you saw a preschool aged child alone in a car, say in a supermarket car park, and after a while there's no sign of the parent, would you call the police then?

andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 15:55

it's ridiculous because there are better way to help the mother and more importantly the children.

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 11/12/2019 15:57

Fair enough. It's extremely concerning though. If I saw my neighbour doing this, and I knew the kids were on their own for half an hour...

Aridane · 11/12/2019 15:57

How old is the oldest?

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 11/12/2019 15:57

Ultimately the best course of action is whatever is best for the children

VisionQuest · 11/12/2019 16:01

Unless she's told anyone else about it then she's will assume it's you who reported her. When was the last time you asked her about it?

Obviously you have to though, it's just madness what she is doing. Stupid woman.

Doggodogington · 11/12/2019 16:06

Report it. A child in my DCs school died in a house fire because his mother left him and his siblings alone. She was across the road off her face. He was 6.

TheDarkPassenger · 11/12/2019 16:09

Gave me anxiety just reading this. Please please report

Bluerussian · 11/12/2019 16:29

If you have a child at the same school - and you say your friend lives in the same road as you - could you not offer to take her child to school with yours? As she is so close it would hardly be putting yourself out if you're going there anyway. This is just an idea, I realise you may have other commitments, work etc, which would make it difficult.

Another suggestion would be for her to speak to someone at the school and ask if there is another parent living nearby who would be prepared to help with school runs.

Original poster
Mumof3angels90 · 11/12/2019 16:34

I've only just read all this thank you so much for all the advice. I think I just needed abit of encouragement to do the right thing which is to report it. I'm a really introvert mind your own business type person but I've been losing sleep over this. I cant tell the school as mine are not a school age yet so wouldn't even know where to start. I am going to do this annoymously

OP posts: