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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I’m being put in my box

28 replies

judithandholofernes · 11/12/2019 01:02

For context; DH has a very large family who are as close as a large family can be (more than 10 siblings) I keep in touch with parents and siblings by phone and text messages, DH updates by SM.
Tonight I was texting DH DS re an event that we were attending and she replied with a message stating that DFIL had been in hospital that day. I passed the message to DH.
About an hour later I texted to see how DFIL was feeling and got a response that said if DH wants to know how DFIL is doing that he can check the family group messages.

I’m upset. It’s clear I’m not part of the family group messages.
I keep in contact with DFIlL more than DH does.
DSIL could have Just told me how DFIL dad doing

AIBU?

OP posts:
OhWellThatsJustGreat · 11/12/2019 01:07

Could it be that you've been missed by accident? My dad's side of the family is huge (more than 10 children too) we have about 4 different chats on the go and there are people in some but not others sieben on who set the chat up. Could you ask to be added?

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 11/12/2019 01:07

Depending*

Spudina · 11/12/2019 01:08

Ouch, no you aren’t. But maybe DS was actually having a dig at DH and his perceived lack of concern about your FIL. Did he get in touch with anyone after you told him the news? In a separate issue, whose decision is it to keep you off the family chat. You guys are married and that just seems mean.

Original poster
judithandholofernes · 11/12/2019 07:25

DSIL would have created the group chat, she creates most of them. There have been a lot over the years and I have been added to some of them. But not all. This one is important and I’m assuming that it is just the children included.

DH didn’t get it touch so it may have been a dig at him that was sent through me. DH is awful at keeping in touch or contacting his parents - I do it because I like them.

OP posts:
Atalune · 11/12/2019 07:32

SIL is cross with her brother for not being in touch and you got the brunt of it.

Sorry to hear your FIL is unwell.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 07:40

Yeah I think she's pretty pissed at DH and is just taking it out on you. It's stressful when someone's unwell and it feels like a relative doesn't care.

fromnowhere · 11/12/2019 07:42

Agree that she is annoyed at your DH for not checking in after getting the news. Don't take it personally.

Also don't take it personally that you're not on the group chat. My DH has one with his siblings, there's a wider one which includes partners as well, but it's good for them to have their own space to chat that the wives/husband's aren't part of. I have one with my family that my DH isn't on.

Damntheman · 11/12/2019 07:47

I get both sides of it. We're not quite as many, only seven siblings, but we have multiple chats and one of them is only the siblings. (admittedly we did have just one SIL in there for a while but she left of her own accord after my dad died and she stopped needing to be in the loop as one of my dad's carers).

And to be fair any important news that needs to be shared family wide will go to the one where EVERYONE is included. The siblings only one is just for shit that nobody else is going to find remotely interesting.

Your SIL was unreasonable to not tell you how FIL was doing. But it does definitely sound like she's fucked off over your DH not making an effort to keep up with their parents and is making a petty point with a swipe at you. It's not about you (I suspect), it's about your DH.

sarahjconnor · 11/12/2019 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldenchildsmum · 11/12/2019 07:58

I'd ask her to include you and see what she says

Oldraver · 11/12/2019 08:03

I agree that it was a dig at your DH, but I would also of text back that I wanted to know

DeathStare · 11/12/2019 08:14

I also think this is a dig at your DH. He clearly hasn't read the group message and she's upset. I suspect she's hoping you will make that clear to him. And to be honest she has a point - your DH seems to be abdicating the "wifework".

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/12/2019 08:19

I agree it sounds like she is stressed and upset and feels like your husband is not really interested. I would have replied 'I'll tell him to respond to the group chat, but I'd like to know how he's getting on as well as I care about FiL and am worried'

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 11/12/2019 08:26

"DH is awful at keeping in touch or contacting his parents"

To coin a well worn MN phrase, you have a DH problem. He has put you in this position as your SIL is taking out her anger at him on you.

Is there a particular reason why DH isn't concerned or showing any care/interest when his DF is in hospital? If there isn't, he seems uncaring and SIL is justified in being disappointed. If there is a good reason for his lack of care, then the situation needs addressing anyway.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 11/12/2019 08:28

But as usual, women are being blamed for, and taking responsibility for men's actions, or lack of.

museumum · 11/12/2019 08:30

If I had made a group chat about my dads illness and instead of reading and replying on the chat my brothers wife texted me separately I’d be pissed off too.
It’s not you, it’s your dh.

Dollymixture22 · 11/12/2019 09:06

I would reply and say it is you were asking for yourself and not on behalf of her brother, but you have told your husband to start ready the group messages.

Send her your love, keep it light. The dig was aimed at him.

Also with ten siblings, a siblings only group makes sense. As long as all partners are excluded I wouldn’t take it personally.

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2019 09:12

Why on earth didn't he check about his dad when you told him he was ill??

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2019 09:15

Yup totally not about you op, his sister is pissed he hasn't asked himself. Agree with Dolly's reply

Wehttam · 11/12/2019 09:16

Eugh family mess, 10 of them? Don’t get into that WhatsApp group you’ll have no battery left from all the notifications, your DH has probably muted it. ⏸

justilou1 · 11/12/2019 09:17

I would write back “Yeah, you’re right, but I want to know myself, as I actually keep in touch because I care.”

Butchyrestingface · 11/12/2019 09:26

She’s pissed at your husband, not you. If anyone’s getting put in their box, it’s him.

Aderyn19 · 11/12/2019 09:32

I think that was unnecessarily rude. If she wants to have a go at her brother, she ought to do so directly and not through you. It's inflammatory but I'd be inclined to reply that in future I will be minding my own business wrt 'their' family. Leave then all to it.

Katgurl · 11/12/2019 09:50

It might not be a dig at anyone. The update might be complicated and as she's already written it in the group chat doesn't feel like sending again to individuals.

Confusedbeetle · 11/12/2019 09:54

What went wrog with picking up the phone?