How to deal with chuffing MIL?!

[BugsMalone]

Good evening, long time lurker here.

Please can someone help me, this MIL is my ex, but I have DS to her son.

Her son is a CRAP father. Absolutely crap (drinks too much. Never sees DS alone in his 3 years of existence. Never puts DS first). I've got over this now and just let him be, in the hope he just stops bothering one day. (He sees son most Sundays for 2 hours, supervised)

I've tried so damn hard to have a nice stable extended family. But my ex isn't bothered about his son, which is fine. And honestly I don't really like them!

His mother though. Wants to see us all the time. She's always messaging, if I haven't seen my phone, honestly 20 minutes after she sends a text I get "Julie....you there?" ... "You there Julie" I'll get 5 missed calls sometimes! I used to think that there was am emergency or something, but no, it's just normal for her.

She genuinely calls me Julie too. Which isn't my name, it's nowhere near my name. I've asked her not to call me it. But no joy - I just ignore it now.

This woman has raised an awful man. She admits to it. But continues to support him - as in drink driving and stealing "well don't get caught"

It pisses me off that I have to have anything to do with her.

But her son is such a waste of space that he says I should sort DS out seeing his side of the family seen as I have him all the time.

I don't like these people. Her messages are overbearing. It's triggering my anxiety.

Am I unreasonable to stop contact.

My son is happy and polite, full of beans and character. He's a dream child. I want him to have good family relationships...but when I look at them and their past I just think they're a bunch of crooks. (Vile arguments all the time. Tax avoidance. The whole family drink driving)

I should probably point out they had no money until they inherited a huge amount. They are very into possessions... Whereas I'm not materialistic and I manage relatively well on my teaching wage. (More money would always be welcome - but my point is I earn an honest living and I am proud to do so)
Or maybe I'm being vile. Am I? Do I really have to make the effort with them?

I should add, I don't want to particularly rock the boat because he lives with his folks, and I don't really want DS staying there overnight or for him to persue court. That said, he is only bothered about seeing DS if he feels I'm stopping it (as in he messages saying he can't be bothered...so I say absolutely fine enjoy your day.

Oh please help somebody!

I don’t even know what to say other than YANBU to stop contact !
💐💐

Short answer - yanbu. Sack it off, you're getting nothing from it.

Julie? Wtf!

Get rid. Your son won't miss out and you'll be less stressed.

Does your DS enjoy going? I’m sure the extended family members would be happy to join in on the supervised contact, given that they clearly shouldn’t have it unsupervised!

The risk you run of just stopping contact is that DS misses out on that part of his identity. His dad (feckless as he sounds) is half of who he is. Say he goes looking for them when he’s teenage and impressionable, what then? At least this way, there’s an element of control and he’ll soon figure out for himself who they are. Rather than glamorise the rogue in them in his teens.

Thank you all. I think I needed to vent! I go through phases of thinking it's fine and that I'm on top of it. And then it all feels too much and I just want to pack up our things and start a new life!

Honestly my son is the best thing to happen to me, but bloody hell did I drop a bollock with the choice of father!

@HanginWithMyGnomies, that is my fear. I do worry about the future, particularly as he is getting older. I just want to raise a happy person who has a decent set of morals, it just seems like that will be such a battle with that lot.

I sound awful.

You don’t sound awful, you sound like a decent person who has been far more tolerant than most would be. I would agree something regular with them like a couple of hours every second week so he sees his dad at the same time and keep it at that

You don’t sound awful at all! She really shouldn’t have your number and be doing that. Keep the contact as it is and invite them along to every other one. Job done.

We all make mistakes! It sounds like you’re raising a lovely little boy, so you’re clearly doing something right.

My main concern would actually be if any of them are likely to drink drive with your ds in the car.
Calling you the wrong name is just weird. You sound a lovely Mum with morals. Your son is obviously going to do well in life, because of you!

Why does the ex mil keep messaging you? Are the 2 hours on Sunday set in stone? If so, she has no reason to contact you. Does she do the supervision?

How is she with your DS ? Do they appear to get on well ?

If they have a good relationship, then it might be worth trying to arrange some sort of supervised visits with her, as your DS has with his father, first laying down some rules about the phone contact ("Just send one message, don't harrass me").

If your DS doesn't really know his GM, then it doesn't seem you pursuing / managing this relationship - the onus in on his father. IF he isn't stepping up, then you are quite reasonable to step back.

Firstly, I hope you are keeping all the messages from his father saying that he can't be bothered to see his child, just in case he does ever try with court. Secondly, @luckygreeneyes might be right that arranging a regular time when he sees both (once every couple of weeks or once a month) might make things easier for you.

His relatives should have contact during his time not yours. So surely during the supervised contact. If dad doesn't come along mil can still come and your enabling a relationship with ds family on father's side. There's then no need to contact you outside of these times. Also keep evidence of everything just incase. I did this it all dwindled out eventually and not heard from anyone of them in years. However I can honestly say to my ds I did my best to enable contact. Ds doesn't blame me for lack of contact (and he's a hormonal teenager).
Keep going your ds will know in the future which parent was there for him every step of the way.

@FlamingoQueen there's no chance that will happen as I'm there every time.

@cherrysoup they're not court ordered or anything, it's become something of a habit that Sunday contains a couple of hours dad time...I'm always present but usually meet him out somewhere. It doesn't happen when he can't be bothered or doesn't make arrangements.

@BrainFart, this is the weird thing... When she sees him she'll chat for a few minutes and then ignore him. She'll honestly talk to me about what I've been upto, go on her phone, go online shopping, whilst I play with my son. He gets minimal attention so I don't really understand why she wants to see him regularly. I assume she keeps messaging me because her son is so hopeless and always at the pub.

@Butterfly02 that is so reassuring. And that's what I hope to be able to say to my son too. I do think it's unlikely as I'm not sure they would like people knowing they have nothing to do with him. But hey ho we will see

She isn't your problem any more, why are you even allowing her into your headspace?!

Just block her number, no drama, just mute/block/whatever!

If she contacts you other ways e.g. at the 2hr Sunday contact, just repeat over and over "I'm here to enable my son to see his dad. Your son needs to sort out any family contact on his side. Just like i do on mine."

Seriously op, one of the advantages of him being an ex is that you just stop jumping through hoops like this shite with his family.

Just back off silently. Or lie if needed. Tel them your phone's been playing up again,oh dear.

I need to know why the hell she calls you a completely wrong name

Then block her. You do not want being able to claim a regular relationship with him. Why are you giving her time?

If she keeps calling you Julie I’d just text back “sorry, no Julie on this number”. Every time until she gets the message.

The risk you run of just stopping contact is that DS misses out on that part of his identity.

No - the risk is that by continung contact with a MiL so disrespectful that she applies her chosen name to OP despite objections, who pardons her clearly abusive (hence supervised contact) son's behaviour & who is so overbearing that her phone calls sound like an emergency that must be responded to, that OP's nice boy will be treated like OP has been.

There is simply no need for OP to engage with her foul ex or his family in any way other than the existing 2-hour contact arrangement.

OP - if you want to stop communicating with exMiL, there is nothing wrong with telling her you are no longer responding to people who wilfully call you Julie despite being asked not to ... that her constant & overwhelming demands for communication are upsetting & triggering to you because it brings back too many horrible memories of her son .. & that said son had frequently told you that he can't be bothered with your boy, so all in all, its better for your MH if she stops calling you.

When she blathers on indignantly at any of that - or whatever you want to say to her really - remind her that you are still prepared to facilitate the current 2-hour supervised sessions, & that she has to be content with that.

If she wants a GC so much, she can wait til her feckless son spawns another one. This is simply NOT YOUR PROBLEM, OP.

Good luck.

Why Julie? That’s so bizarre OP.

I need to know why the hell she calls you a completely wrong name
It's a control thing.
exMiL is doing it deliberately, to establish dominance.
REALLY liked PP above's ntion of responding "sorry no Julie here"!

this is the weird thing... When she sees him she'll chat for a few minutes and then ignore him. She'll honestly talk to me about what I've been upto, go on her phone, go online shopping, whilst I play with my son. He gets minimal attention so I don't really understand why she wants to see him regularly. I assume she keeps messaging me because her son is so hopeless and always at the pub.

Hmmm - given the whole Julie schtick & her overbearing telephonic pursuit of you, I reckon it's just another control thing. Also, for 'show'. Controllers are big into show. 'Look at MY grandson! Look at ME, with MY grandson!!' - but usually not so big into actually, you know, giving a shit.

Well one day your son could get in their car whilst they are drunk and it kills him.

That’s enough reason right there

I wouldn’t properly cut contact as it will cause them to redouble their efforts. But boundaries are essential. Personally I’d change my number and put this number onto a brick phone. Then just check it twice a week. They don’t have care of your son so there is no emergency they would need you for immediately. If she complains, just say, sorry I’m a busy mum, likely won’t get a chance to reply to your messages as much as I’m trying not to look at my phone all the time. Then continue to allow reasonable contact/send the odd photo etc but you aren’t being bombarded with loads of messages (to the wrong name )

Well, I'd block her and any others of his family who have your number. I'd also keep notes on when ex does actually see him, for how long and what they do together.

But, definitely block the rest of them.

I hated my xmil - I will go to her funeral just to be sure the bitch is actually dead! Her interference (and raising a twat) was a big factor in the breakdown of the relationship, and like your xp, my X couldn't be bothered with our son. It was all her wanting contact, wanting to be the Perfect Grandma and never ever being remotely nice or helpful to me.
Anyway, I bit my tongue, facilitated contact, was generally non committal and ignored the digs and petty shit, and My Day came when my son saw right through her - she was her usual self and he saw her for what she was/is.
I just have always comforted myself with the knowledge that I will outlive her