How to deal with chuffing MIL?!

[BugsMalone]

Good evening, long time lurker here.

Please can someone help me, this MIL is my ex, but I have DS to her son.

Her son is a CRAP father. Absolutely crap (drinks too much. Never sees DS alone in his 3 years of existence. Never puts DS first). I've got over this now and just let him be, in the hope he just stops bothering one day. (He sees son most Sundays for 2 hours, supervised)

I've tried so damn hard to have a nice stable extended family. But my ex isn't bothered about his son, which is fine. And honestly I don't really like them!

His mother though. Wants to see us all the time. She's always messaging, if I haven't seen my phone, honestly 20 minutes after she sends a text I get "Julie....you there?" ... "You there Julie" I'll get 5 missed calls sometimes! I used to think that there was am emergency or something, but no, it's just normal for her.

She genuinely calls me Julie too. Which isn't my name, it's nowhere near my name. I've asked her not to call me it. But no joy - I just ignore it now.

This woman has raised an awful man. She admits to it. But continues to support him - as in drink driving and stealing "well don't get caught"

It pisses me off that I have to have anything to do with her.

But her son is such a waste of space that he says I should sort DS out seeing his side of the family seen as I have him all the time.

I don't like these people. Her messages are overbearing. It's triggering my anxiety.

Am I unreasonable to stop contact.

My son is happy and polite, full of beans and character. He's a dream child. I want him to have good family relationships...but when I look at them and their past I just think they're a bunch of crooks. (Vile arguments all the time. Tax avoidance. The whole family drink driving)

I should probably point out they had no money until they inherited a huge amount. They are very into possessions... Whereas I'm not materialistic and I manage relatively well on my teaching wage. (More money would always be welcome - but my point is I earn an honest living and I am proud to do so)
Or maybe I'm being vile. Am I? Do I really have to make the effort with them?

I should add, I don't want to particularly rock the boat because he lives with his folks, and I don't really want DS staying there overnight or for him to persue court. That said, he is only bothered about seeing DS if he feels I'm stopping it (as in he messages saying he can't be bothered...so I say absolutely fine enjoy your day.

Oh please help somebody!

She is probably trying to maintain contact direct with you because she knows her son cannot he relied upon to keep her in the loop with her grandson.

She will never admit (because she is his mother) to just how irresponsible he is. She probably hopes by keeping you in the picture you might get back together again as you are a positive influence.

Maybe say you screen your calls and can’t always pick up and ask her just to leave a message not call continually. Then copy her in on Sunday meet up plans as if her son doesn’t show, your LO can see his grandmother — won’t be a total waste of your time and keeps some limited contact with that side of his parentage.

I'd be running for the hills. She raised your Ex. Why the hell would you let her near your ds.

I would cooperate OP, but with some additional boundaries, i.e. don’t harass me if I can’t respond immediately and don’t call me the wrong name.
For some reason, be it love, a sense of guilt or desire to keep up appearances, exMIL wants to keep in contact with your son. If you deny her this she may well wind your ex up to apply to the court for contact that builds up to overnights. I would seek to avoid this if at all possible because it doesn’t sound safe.

Just block her, for fuck's sake. Problem solved.

I'm very disappointed by the misleading thread title. I thought your mother-in-law had terrible flatulence.

Block her without a moment's thought. Your lovely boy doesn't need to be taught to think that he's as valuable as a broken toy.

Nice one @Ratbag

You don't sound awful at all @BugsMalone you sound very conscientious for doing right by your son.

It is better for children to know their extended family except in extreme cases but while hard I'd try to have more boundaries. I realize she may not respond well not get it. You could say something like based on his age/other things in life you'd like to limit visits to 2x a month, one could be with her son (supervised) and maybe one you drop him off at their home for 2-3 hours while you have some time to yourself and that's it. Maybe just reply to texts at the weekend with a photo and say "sorry, life is very busy so I try to avoid my phone, I will get in touch when I have a bit of extra time at the weekends". It's so hard but I wish I'd done this so much earlier. I think there are healthier ways to have boundaries and not leave your child curious about what they are like and more likely to idolize/fantasize especially as a teen. Too many tweens/teens have this golden picture of the parent/extended family they don't see and it can lead to parental alienation of the mother. Better to be age appropriately up front and honest in developmentally appropriate ways.

I feel quite baffled by some of the replies here.... I understand from your thread OP that she is way over the top and it's having a negagive impact on you and id go so far as to agree with everyone that that is not OK and does need to be addressed however all these blunt calls to block her immediately I feel are way ott. Wouldn't it be worth having a conversation with MIL first? She is your sons grandmother and you chose her to be so when you chose her son as your partner and she does want to see her grandson even if you don't feel she spends that time well. I think a conversation needs to take place and clear boundaries need to be set with a warning that if she doesn't respect them THEN you will cut contact but imagine how horrified you would be if your contact from your much loved grandson was suddenly cut without so much as a conversation?
I think you owe it to yourself and your son to try and make this work, that way if it doesn't work out you can hand on heart tell your son you did try but ultimately it wasn't what was best for either of you.
All the best to you OP. I hope it all works out in a way that makes you and your little boy happy in the short and long term.

Tell her she's got the wrong number No, this isn't Julie's phone ...

YANBU, Julie

Just block her? If she wants to see you son your ex can sort it. If he won’t thats not your problem.

Agree with @TopOftheNaughtyList , start replying saying ‘no Julie here’

I'm currently going to an amicable divorce and my solicitors advice in terms of ex's parents seeing our child is that their access should be at the same time as my ex's access. So if your ex-mil wants to see your child then that is to be the 2 hours on a Sunday only. Easier for you that way too as you dont need contact with her in between.

Unamicable* if that's even a word