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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting annoyed by DPs nans comments?

60 replies

blahblahdeblah · 10/12/2019 15:24

So long story short..
Me and DP have been together for over 4 years and have a 3 month old DD.. My DP is very close to his GParents and they come round VERY often, even more so since DD arrived.
I'm beginning to get very irritated by DPs nan making silly unnecessary comments every time she is round. If I'm holding DD it's "oh you're spoiling her too much", "put her down, you'll regret it!", and then the one that winds me up the most is when she's talking to DD saying "ohhh they're starving you ain't they, they're starving you", "are they starving you??" If she makes any sort of noise it's "oh maybe she's hungry, have you fed her?" Obviously she's fed regularly and isn't being starved and she's 3 months old so obviously I'm going to be holding her regularly.. I just don't understand why she makes these comments.
The thing is I get on with her really well but these random comments are really starting to piss me off because I don't understand the need for them at all! AIBU to be getting so pissed off?? She's been asking all day to come round to see her and I've been making up excuses because I really can't be arsed with the comments!

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 10/12/2019 15:27

YABU. They’re par for the course small talk baby comments from a great grandparent!

I get that it’s annoying but just let it wash over you.

Sherrybabyy · 10/12/2019 15:30

It’s annoying but I think you’ll have to just grin and bear it for the sake of the family relationship. Don’t let it get to you- it’s just baby small talk. They don’t really think you’re starving her!

EKGEMS · 10/12/2019 15:30

I'd reply "Really,Gran? Haven't we thoroughly covered this topic already?!!" Say it cheerfully but with a serious and firm expression. Another thing to be addressed is the visiting-if it isn't convenient for you then say so.

RatherBeRiding · 10/12/2019 15:30

"Yes we're starving her - can't you tell?" with a big smile.

"Yes I'm spoiling her. Isn't it great?" Big smile.

And repeat......

Breathlessness · 10/12/2019 15:33

Is it the comments - which annoying but pretty standard grandparent stuff - or the frequency of the visits?

Panpastels · 10/12/2019 15:34

I think it would be less annoying if you saw her less.

noodlenosefraggle · 10/12/2019 15:36

That used to make me want to punch a hole in the wall when people my mother said that! She said it because ds was exclusively breastfed so she couldn't feed him and she always wanted to hold him. Does she want more cuddling time herself? I think you just have to ignore it and spend a bit less time with her if its really getting to you.

QforCucumber · 10/12/2019 15:37

everyone has these, it's just baby chit chat 'ah you can't spoil a baby' or 'well I'm guessing granny doesn't want any cuddles then, I'll keep them to myself' and 'no she had a roast dinner before you came' with a smile, make a little fun of it

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2019 15:38

Is your DP always there when she visits? If she’s pissing you off then don’t have her over unless he’s there.

Original poster
blahblahdeblah · 10/12/2019 15:47

DPs not always there when she's round.. DP finds it funny that it winds me up so much and sits there grinning at me when she says it.. I know she's just saying it for baby chit chat but to say it so often is just unnecessary and irritating.. At least I know this is quite normal for grandparents to say!

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 10/12/2019 15:49

Just let these silly comments wash over you,and try and realise,that some Nans resort to this kind of talk. It's probably a habit,and she maybe she says it to anyone with a new baby.

NaturalDisasters · 10/12/2019 15:53

Its moronic, but fairly standard, in my experience.

LilQueenie · 10/12/2019 16:28

yanbu op. If you are in any way feeling the pressure of not being good enough or have anxieties this kind of thing can play havoc with your mental health. I can understand baby babble from the grandparents but stuff like are they not feeding you is bloody stupid and no different to using a child to convey a message. Think the does mummy not put gloves on you scenario.

altogirl · 10/12/2019 16:30

My MIL used to do this all the time. It undermined me as a mother and I hated it. TELL her to stop with the comments. Age is not an excuse and it's NOT cute.

IvyWinters · 10/12/2019 17:22

Just reply seriously each and every time.

‘Why do you think I’m starving she? She’s fed constantly! It upsets me when you say that’ etc.

And make your OH take it seriously, it’s not nice of him to sit and laugh. I’d tell him if she doesn’t stop then she’s only visiting with him from now on and you won’t be there when it happens.

JasonPollack · 10/12/2019 17:59

You don't have to spend loads of time with her if she's pissing you off that much! How regularly is she coming round?!

Frlrlrubert · 10/12/2019 18:43

My mum did this routine where she'd pretend to listen to the baby and say 'what did they say to you?' 'Did they?' 'I'll kill them!'.

Irrationally annoyed me.

She still does the 'you'll get some of this' shaking her fist comically (which I don't find particularly comical given how often I felt the flat of her hand growing up).

I just tell myself she's a bit mental and roll my eyes a lot.

Original poster
blahblahdeblah · 10/12/2019 18:52

Sorry to drip feed but I think it bothers me more because my milk didn't come in properly and DD lost a lot of her birth weight resulting in me having to formula feed in the end which was very upsetting and a stressful time for me which she knows about.. so it's quite insensitive of her and really irritating!
I'd say she comes round every other day but she rings me all the time and if she hears DD cry it's "what are you doing to my baby?", "are you starving her" etc..

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 10/12/2019 18:55

She comes round every other day! Blimey, that's a bit much.

MistyCloud · 10/12/2019 19:08

Oh wow how annoying! Hmm

I do feel your pain @blahblahdeblah I had several older family members giving advice, and telling me what I was doing 'wrong' when mine were little, as if I was too young, too green, and too stupid to know how to look after my owns kids. I was older than ALL of them when they had THEIR kids too.

And they always spoke to DC.

'Ohhhhh, no coat?! Your mommy is naughty isn't she, not dressing you right'

'dear me, a bag of maltesers, your mommy should be giving you an orange, naughty mommy.'

'Aw you look so sad - has mommy not changed your nappy? Naughty mommy!'

Hmm

I am really pissed off with your partner for LOLing at it. What a twat. I would be tempted to bloody move out, and not tell any of the fuckers where I live!

No advice really except to say (firmly) that your DD is absolutely FINE, and tell your partner that she'll be BANNED from coming if she doesn't quit!

I am sick of it being accepted for people who are a generation (or two) older, being allowed to say whatever rude and obnoxious shit they like, and people not calling them out, because they're a 'senior.' It's not OK. It's really not. I can't imagine saying rude shit to people like this. Why the hell do they say it? Hmm

I can only imagine they have always been rude and obnoxious as there is no WAY I would talk to people like this, and I know several people (over 65) who are really lovely and supportive, and would never say anything negative or critical. So not every 'senior age' person is rude, but when they are, they don't get 'called out...' Hmm

Courtney555 · 10/12/2019 19:08

That would piss me right off OP.

Are you starving my baby? Really??

It's not normal grandparents stuff. Mine would pick up DS and if he cried, there would be lots of "ooooh who's a hungry boy"...."ohhhh you tell me all about it"...."is someone tired"... Which is the usual stuff that seems to tumble out.

She's being really passive aggressive. It's directed at you. And by now she needs to have stopped. Especially as you had difficulty feeding, it's deliberate.

I would call her out on it every time. Quite snappily so she gets the message ASAP.

"Are you starving myyyyy baby?"
(look her straight in the eye, do not smile)
"YES"
(Continue steely look)

"Put her down, you'll regret it"
(Same hard stare)
"I'll risk it thanks"
(Glare)

She's being an arse. I actually find it really quite horrible. Make her feel uncomfortable until she stops. She's got no problem in mocking you. This needs nipping in the bud.

Pembsgirl · 10/12/2019 19:19

It sounds to me like you need to stop her coming round so often. I think it would get on anyones nerves to hear that so frequently, but at the same time, it's just daft baby talk and not something that would probably upset you so much if you hadn't gone through difficulties feeding your little one in the first place. Perhaps you should have a word with your partner, and get him to point out to his Nan how much her words upset you. If you normally get on OK, she'll probably be mortified when she realises how much alluding to you not feeding your baby upsets you. Is it only her that upsets you?

LilQueenie · 10/12/2019 19:22

what are you doing to my baby

'Go ask him.' then point in the direction of your partner.

are you feeding her

'are you accusing me of negect?'

she will either shut up or storm off with any luck.

LilQueenie · 10/12/2019 19:23

*neglect

LilQueenie · 10/12/2019 19:24

sorry just realised it was your partners nan not mum.

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