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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting annoyed by DPs nans comments?

60 replies

blahblahdeblah · 10/12/2019 15:24

So long story short..
Me and DP have been together for over 4 years and have a 3 month old DD.. My DP is very close to his GParents and they come round VERY often, even more so since DD arrived.
I'm beginning to get very irritated by DPs nan making silly unnecessary comments every time she is round. If I'm holding DD it's "oh you're spoiling her too much", "put her down, you'll regret it!", and then the one that winds me up the most is when she's talking to DD saying "ohhh they're starving you ain't they, they're starving you", "are they starving you??" If she makes any sort of noise it's "oh maybe she's hungry, have you fed her?" Obviously she's fed regularly and isn't being starved and she's 3 months old so obviously I'm going to be holding her regularly.. I just don't understand why she makes these comments.
The thing is I get on with her really well but these random comments are really starting to piss me off because I don't understand the need for them at all! AIBU to be getting so pissed off?? She's been asking all day to come round to see her and I've been making up excuses because I really can't be arsed with the comments!

OP posts:
Newmumma83 · 10/12/2019 19:28

@blahblahdeblah I had the same problem with my milk and I was just thinking the starving comment would have hit a nerve with me too! Especially with the raging hormones of the early
Months. I get it.

I would say I know your being sweet but based on xyz issues that comment is upsetting I know you don’t mean anything by it but could you possibly refrain from saying it ... or get husband to do it as it’s his nan not in a shitty way but this is affecting my mental health I have guilt over this very thing ( I know I still do a year on ... though as a bottle fed baby he has done marvellously so you shouldn’t feel bad but common sense can fly out the window when you are a mum )

hazell42 · 10/12/2019 19:32

I remember my nan (horrible old witch) tearing a strip of my husband for rocking the baby's pram. Really went ballistic on him.
Though I couldn't stand the woman she was, for once, trying to be helpful. she came from generation with very set ideas on child rearing, some of them peculiar and a few downright dangerous. She had read dr spock and all that spoiling babies with love bollocks, and also, now I come to think of it, thought babies should be weaned as early as possible and definitely before 3 months
Honestly, if you generally get on well, I'd roll my eyes and let it go.

Frlrlrubert · 10/12/2019 19:39

Oh with the feeding situation I'd have to put her in her place. We had the usual 'feeding again' and 'how do you know...' comments as bf.

If I got well pissed if I'd go with 'actually since the olden days it's been shown that...'

(My mum loves to tell the tale of how I used to get cuddled by family all day Saturday, which meant I cried on Sunday when left in the Moses while she cooked, so they stopped letting people cuddle me so I'd stop expecting it, she once pushed me so far that I may have pointed out that I live 200 miles away and see her twice a year, and that it took me until I was a mother myself to realise I have attachment issues)

TellerTuesday4EVA · 10/12/2019 19:50

Every single time DD has coughed in MIL's presence for the past 7 years she says in the most pathetic voice 'Has it got bones in?'

It irrationality infuriates me to the point that I could actually stab her so I do understand your frustration with it but it's just one of those things you've to grin bear unfortunately.

BlouseAndSkirt · 10/12/2019 19:53

It’s nonsense white noise chit chat.
Take no notice, smile and nod.

She obviously doesn’t actually think the baby is starving.

AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse · 10/12/2019 19:57

Yabu..
I've always said it to my dc and others when they create for milk.. Oh dear xxx are you so hungry are you starved it's a lighthearted joke.

thatwasMauijustmessingaround · 10/12/2019 20:02

In my hospital, there are posters on the wall saying it's impossible to spoil a baby. If anyone says that to me (I'm due any time now) I'll be pointing out it's a very old fashioned view and research shows the opposite is true. In fact, I might even look up the research in advance 😆

CountYourRoosters · 10/12/2019 20:05

Wow she's literally the stereotypical person that makes enjoying comments to new mums. I'm very lucky to have never experienced this in real life. I know it's easier said than done, but just keep reminding yourself it says so much more about her than it does you, and don't take it personally as I'm sure she'd have the exact same "advice" for every mum out there

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 10/12/2019 20:12

Try to see her less. Just have her round when your DP is there.

When she starts on you via the phone just put the phone down. She'll get the hint eventually.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/12/2019 20:21

"What's that phrase people say? Oh yes, if you can't say anything nice....."
Meaningful look.

It's standard shite but I'd pick your battles as to what's annoying you and what's upsetting you eg: the starving part.

I totally get that, it's really stressful when they are not feeding well/can't get enough food etc. Been there bought the T-shirt. Twice.

It could be worse, she could be chain-smoking all over the baby. At three months in you are probably tired and less tolerant than usual too. A time will come when you'll be keen to or will really need to have a granny on hand to help and frankly when that day comes your won't want to be the person who has burned bridges over stupid comments. She'd probably be horrified to think she was upsetting you?

FraglesRock · 10/12/2019 20:38

Be out more/don't answer the door/don't answer the phone.

If you see her less she'll annoy you less.

Niki93 · 10/12/2019 20:43

I can see why you’d find this annoying. In general i find most eldery peoples comments abit...rude😂. But I honestly think its more of a generational thing and not meant with any malice.

Just giggle it off or give a little ‘aw isnt great granma being silly’ towards your dd, granparent wont like it but she’ll sharp know to stop her odd comments if she doesnt like you to do the same back. Again, i dont think its personal. Doesnt make it any less annoying though xx

TitianaTitsling · 10/12/2019 20:45

So because she's a relative op has to put up with purposefully snidey comments and behaviours? Bollocks to that!!

Cherrysoup · 10/12/2019 20:52

I don’t think it is on to tell the OP to just let the woman carry on talking shite. It’s obviously a touchy subject for her and she’s justified in asking the grandmother to stfu. Politely. Coming round every other day is way too much. Can you put a stop to that, OP? Get your DP to tell her you want time to get and do your own thing? I wouldn’t answer calls, either. Is it the landline or your mobile she’s phoning? Just screen!

TabbyMumz · 11/12/2019 08:59

"Every single time DD has coughed in MIL's presence for the past 7 years she says in the most pathetic voice 'Has it got bones in?'"
I've heard this one too, think its a very old saying, but dont think it means anything, it's just something to say.

IdleBet · 11/12/2019 09:07

she comes round every other day

That's too much. I'd make myself scarce, go out.
Do you change your plans to fit in with their visit?

As PP said I would just laugh and say 'ha ha yes I'm a bad mother'.

Jog22 · 11/12/2019 09:12

Visits 3-4 times a week! You need to make your territory stronger. Is it possible to not answer the door? Find some baby groups or a cafe to go to.

I would get pissed off with anyone visiting 4 times a week even if I liked them.

Dollymixture22 · 11/12/2019 09:32

I think your husband should have a gentle word with his gran. The lady is making idle chitter and she is stuck in a loop on these two comments.

If it was me I would have to say ‘that upsets me because of the trouble I had feeding her. I would never starve my baby, I know you don’t really mean it but please stop saying it’.

That should stop all comments.

Original poster
blahblahdeblah · 11/12/2019 19:42

😂😂 for everyone saying to stop answering the door to her I wish it was that easy because my DP gave her a key and she just strolls in.. this could be a whole other thread!
She does ring first most of the time and won't come round if I'm busy but occasionally strolls in like the other day for example! I'd just got home DD was fast asleep in her car seat so decided to go for a poo whilst I could and guess whos strolled in and standing in the hall way waiting for me downstairs whilst I'm having a poo.. yep, DPs nan!! This is also something that I find very irritating. DP won't ask for key back and won't say anything and I'm too nice..

OP posts:
Jog22 · 11/12/2019 20:08

Ah see your problem, Nan's got a key. Is it your partner's house? How much ownership do you have? If you told your partner than you have a right to privacy in your own home would I be guessing right that he would laugh?

Dollymixture22 · 11/12/2019 20:13

Change the locks.this lady has no respect for you or your privacy.

Tell your husband if he gives her a key again you will keep changin* the locals and you will tell her why

Brefugee · 11/12/2019 20:16

well you could say "fuck off you silly old bat" but that wouldn't be very nice
so you can ignore it - or you can talk over her whenever you hear one coming?
try to enjoy your baby.

Pembsgirl · 11/12/2019 20:20

Tell her the key is for emergencies only, and because you are having a lot of disturbed nights which are taking their toll, you want to be able to take advantage of when DD has a nap, to have a snooze too, so can she please arrange visits beforehand, rather than just turning up without notice. If she argues, tell her that this is important to you, and that if she won't respect your wishes you would like the key back. End of story!

TheABC · 11/12/2019 20:21

Get the key back. The problem is not her comments (it's actually called "social grooming", in the same way we chat to strangers about the weather), but your lack of boundaries.

Decide how often you actually want to see her. Then redirect the conversation when she starts using these banal phrases. I can guarantee that it's only going to get worse at the toddler stage or older.

Original poster
blahblahdeblah · 11/12/2019 20:28

We have a mortgage together.. she knows it's for emergencies. I need to start putting the latch across but I suppose you don't expect someone to just walk in when you've just got home

OP posts:
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