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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not supporting his property dream

38 replies

Partidgeinpeartree · 10/12/2019 14:48

We´ve been fighting already 10 years over this and the situation is not getting better.
My husband is from another EU country than I am. We´re both expats working in a another EU country from our own. A lot of his colleagues have bought property in their home country; either as investment or second home. We could in principle afford to invest in such a property abroad.
However.
I don´t like the same properties he likes. If I´m investing in something, I´d rather be in the capital city or near the coast. I also am no fan of having to holiday in the same place for the next 40 odd years.
He on the other hand wants to be in the middle of nowhere, as far from civilisation as possible. He clearly sees a future in retiring to such place (which will take another 20 years at least). The type of properties he likes also need a lot of work, so before being inhabitable or used as a holiday home, we would need to invest another amount to have works done. I can see that this is perhaps an easier decision if you both come from the same country, but in this case I do not want to spend a big chunk of our (future) family budget for a place I don´t like. He feels I am unreasonable as it is his home country and he brings in (slightly) more than me every month. I am holding my foot down for 10 years already but I am so so sick of this argument. If I give up, he will be overjoyed but I am sure that the future investments that are needed will mean we have endless battles to come. What do you think?

OP posts:

IvyWinters · 10/12/2019 15:35

It’s your money too presumably? He is being unreasonable for expecting you to Co-finance something only he wants.

Don’t spend a single penny of your money on something you don’t want, you will regret it.

sunshinesupermum · 10/12/2019 15:40

No YANBU but y7ou've been 'fighting over this for 10 years'? Do you fight about anything else? Should you still be together?

maxelly · 10/12/2019 15:55

Is it meant to be a holiday home mainly or an investment? If the latter then I would try to be as unemotional as possible about it and simply look at what will give you the best return for your money, depending on how local markets are that might be buying something which needs a lot of work and refurbishing (but do factor in the cost of the work+ contingency + an amount for the effort you personally/your DH would have to put in to coordinate etc).

If it's mainly as a holiday home, I think I would rethink the whole plan. Some of DH's family members are lucky enough to have a lovely holiday villa in a sunny touristy part of the EU but it seems to cause nothing but grief - in between maintenance issues, it standing empty and not making any money through the winter, bad paying guests/tenants causing damage, other family members wanting to use it for free and loads more, it is one problem after another. And, to make it worse, like you the couple that own it have a difference of opinion about how they use it, one is like your DH, loves the location, wants to go back there every single holiday, wants to retire there one day. The other likes it well enough but wants to occasionally mix it up with city breaks, different holidays etc. and is frankly bored and fed up of the villa now. Their now teenage DC loved it as kids but are now a bit past that kind of holiday so whinge about being taken back there every year. The wife says that for what they've spent on the villa + maintenance over the years they could have rented really nice luxury houses/apartments or stayed in nice hotels in different places every year so I can see her point of view TBH.

So I would split out in your minds and financially what is in the 'pot' for family holidays and how is that best spent, and likewise what money is earmarked for investment. If you would all really enjoy having somewhere of your own to stay and it will work for the whole family for 10 years or more it may be worth buying a holiday home. However if not then keep the holiday money and spend it on rented holiday accommodation. If your DH then (separately) wants to invest in property in his home country and can make the sums work and is prepared to put the work in then he should go ahead, but for me that is totally separate to what you agree it is reasonable to spend as a family on holidays and he should purchase his investment property with a view to getting the best return possible rather than where he personally would like to live....

Original poster

Partidgeinpeartree · 10/12/2019 15:58

In the beginning of our relationship/marriage, the idea was that we would indeed find a property that we would both like. While we were building our careers and family, the issue, every now and then he brought the issue up again and I always managed to ´postpone´ it, as there were so many other items that took priority.
Now we are in a position to invest and he is pressuring me on a weekly basis about this. Every argument we have, it comes back and he makes it sound like I am the unreasonable one as I knew for years this is what he wanted (hence my question here, as by now I don´t know any more who is unreasonable).
The last weeks he is been unbearable and I am so fed up with having to list the same arguments again (location, spiralling costs, not what I want). I also feel that throwing in the towel over something so relatively trivial is silly, but I feel he is not letting go this time (probably because he has found - for the xth time- his dream property)...

OP posts:

NaturalDisasters · 10/12/2019 15:59

Is he French and wants a country house?

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 15:59

You need to compromise and find a solution - ultimately you will need to live somewhere when you both retire!

It's all about your finances, if you could afford 2 smaller places instead of one, you could compromise and go from one to the other - renting them as holiday lets when you are not in them

Christmaspug · 10/12/2019 16:01

I think he’s not the one for you ...to a big a compromise x

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 16:02

I think he’s not the one for you

bit late when they've been married for more than 10 years and have a family..

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 10/12/2019 16:03

So this is all about what he wants with your joint money. But it's your money too, and what you want is equally important.

Compromise does not mean you giving in.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 10/12/2019 16:04

A house that needs doing up is a commitment. (done it a couple of times, grew up in a house continually 'under improvement') - otherwise you find yourself 10 years down the line, still living with all the stuff that's wrong, and you end up doing it up enough to sell it, and wondering why you didn't do it up earlier to live in.

I think you need to be clear on what this property is for - is it an investment? In which case, it should be somewhere it can be rented out surely. Is it a holiday home, in which case it needs to be somewhere you want to holiday. Is it retirement - in which case, what's it going to do until then?

Is the money perhaps better spent investing in something where you are now/improving what you've got? That's what DP and I are doing - buying where we're living now, with a house that's ready and good for us now. and we'll worry about retirement when we get there.

HeddaGarbled · 10/12/2019 16:06

Could you start sending him links to properties you would be willing to invest in, i.e in the capital or near the coast?

maxelly · 10/12/2019 16:06

But if it's purely an investment, you don't have to like the property or it's location etc surely? If it's making however much £££ a year in profit then great, you can spend that profit on a holiday somewhere you do like, or reinvest it in further property. Then when it comes to retirement time a decision can be made on whether to sell the house and use the capital to buy somewhere else to live, or live there yourselves, or continue to rent it out to provide an income?

It does sound a bit as though what you and your DH are actually arguing about is where you will eventually live once you retire, if the real reason your DH wants this 'investment' is to have somewhere to live in his home country when that day comes, and you don't want that? I'm not an immigrant/expat myself but I can understand that desire to keep that option open, sort of like a safety net?

What impact would it have on your family finances if you just let DH pick somewhere to 'invest' in. Would it mean no money for family holidays other than to his home country? Would it be a safe/profitable investment? If it's a reasonably small sum of money and fairly secure investment (or you could afford to lose it), then I'd let your DH just do it TBH (on the very understanding that this is NOT you agreeing to live there or spend more than 50% of your holidays there). I'd then want a similar sum of money to invest in something of my choice, whether that's property in your own country or a more traditional investment/savings fund or pension...

DameSylvieKrin · 10/12/2019 16:06

Similar situation with my OH but we agreed that the remote location is impractical. We’re now looking into a tiny house on a small piece of land and sharing it with family members to reduce the need to go every single holiday. Also looking at permanent campsites if that’s a thing in his country.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 10/12/2019 16:06

Why does the property have to be in his home country? Has there been any discussion about whether you should invest in your home country?

This seems very one sided and I would not be using my money to invest in something only one person wants, and I would not be offsetting any shortfall in family finances if he chooses to invest alone.

Londonmummy66 · 10/12/2019 16:10

Can you compromise if the property is in his home country then you choose the type of location -ie city or beach rather than countryside and if it is in the countryside then you buy it in your home country instead?

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/12/2019 16:11

If he is looking at this property for retirement I would run now.

Could you compromise.

If he wants a place in his home country you say yes but you choose the property.

I would say a place in a city and near a bit of life would rent and sell more easily and have a return from day 1 than a derelict farmhouse in the back of beyond.

Is it the fact it is in your dh’s home country or just the location in that country you are worried about.

Long term I would try to find somewhere you can both agree on that would work for you both in the future. Maybe in a different country altogether

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 16:22

But if it's purely an investment, you don't have to like the property or it's location etc surely?

it's dangerous not to, there's always the very small possibility that you can't sell the day you decide to. Look at all the holiday properties in Spain...

Inliverpool1 · 10/12/2019 16:26

Houses are absolute money pits. I remember my older boyfriend 25 years ago telling me to rent and put the difference into stocks and shares. I’d be £100,000 up by now and stocks and shares don’t phone you on Christmas Day with a broken boiler.
Stick to your guns

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/12/2019 16:27

I live very rurally and the village I am in is FULL of retired people (the only ones who can afford the property prices) and they all complain about distance to the shops/doctors/hospital/handymen etc etc. It's not even THAT far, we're about 30 miles from the nearest large town, but it's a long way if you are elderly and have to drive yourself to hospital appointments etc.

He may like thinking about retiring to somewhere isolated, but the reality could be very very different. I'd ask him to have a big think about that.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2019 16:28

Seems to me his "dream property" would be nothing more than a money pit. I think he's being ridiculous and very selfish. There's no way I would risk my financial future like this.

Genevieva · 10/12/2019 18:13

So, if my understanding is correct, he is from country A, you are from country B and you both live and work in country C.

Why must the second home be in country A? Why not country B? It seems unfair that his country trumps yours.

If you are willing to buy in country A, then it is reasonable to get something low maintenance in a touristy area that can be rented out when you are not there, so that it is low-stress and self-financing.

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/12/2019 10:48

Glad I didn’t listen to your bf

Bought a property nearly 25 years ago.

It is now £800,000 more so a £100,000 in stocks and shares would have been really disappointing

Also I am paying a mortgage not rent so you have to factor in how much more that has cost you

Inliverpool1 · 11/12/2019 12:25

I meant I’d have an additional £100,000 on top of the £330,000 on paper equity.

Inliverpool1 · 11/12/2019 12:27

I’d say we’ve spent £70,000 on essential repairs and refurbishment over the past 10 years too - all adds up

StormTreader · 11/12/2019 12:29

Find your "dream property" in the city.
When he gets his out, you get yours out.

I assume he has no arguments for his that wouldnt equally apply to yours, and would boil down to him saying "well, it's not what I want", to which you can reply "ditto".

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