For not supporting his property dream

[Partidgeinpeartree]

We´ve been fighting already 10 years over this and the situation is not getting better.
My husband is from another EU country than I am. We´re both expats working in a another EU country from our own. A lot of his colleagues have bought property in their home country; either as investment or second home. We could in principle afford to invest in such a property abroad.
However.
I don´t like the same properties he likes. If I´m investing in something, I´d rather be in the capital city or near the coast. I also am no fan of having to holiday in the same place for the next 40 odd years.
He on the other hand wants to be in the middle of nowhere, as far from civilisation as possible. He clearly sees a future in retiring to such place (which will take another 20 years at least). The type of properties he likes also need a lot of work, so before being inhabitable or used as a holiday home, we would need to invest another amount to have works done. I can see that this is perhaps an easier decision if you both come from the same country, but in this case I do not want to spend a big chunk of our (future) family budget for a place I don´t like. He feels I am unreasonable as it is his home country and he brings in (slightly) more than me every month. I am holding my foot down for 10 years already but I am so so sick of this argument. If I give up, he will be overjoyed but I am sure that the future investments that are needed will mean we have endless battles to come. What do you think?

Thank you all very much for thinking along with me! It is not the typical AIBU so I was afraid no one would reply. And your replies do help. The property is not supposed to be an investment: he really wants to use it for our future holidays and for retirement purposes.
He will never rent it out but he is kindly offering that my family can use it too.
His thinking:
He adores the region, prices are now still low (but not cheap), the property would tie our kids to his home country. And lately he started adding the "I contribute more than 50% to the family income"- argument. It doesn´t help that a lot of his friends have also bought property in their home countries, but those are always in a situation where they either both come from the country/the wife is a sahm-who-can-be-ignored (I obviously don´t agree with this)/the property was in a proper holiday location.
In the beginning I searched alongside him but on the understanding that we would get something 30 minutes from the coast or near the capital. Everything I came up with was however rejected eventually as "his dream" was the remote region.
I´d rather invest money in our current house or by trying to purchase some more land where we live now. And I really don´t see myself retiring to his country but at the same time I don´t want to buy something in my home country (think wet and cold most of the year).
One of you commented about a derelict farm in the outback: it is exactly that that he adores. He is convinced the kids will love it too (riding on tractors, having cattle, being in nature, we can have a pool) but I think the exact opposite (no neighbours, no entertainment, no sea).
As I said, this sounds like such a dumb fight to end our marriage on, but this is where we actually are right now. I cannot take his insisting and sulking any more, he is claiming I am denying him his dream. We´re stuck!

We had a similar situation. We ended up getting something together with DH's siblings. Shared cost / shared use. Is that an option for you?

Like you I am not particularly interested in getting something in 'my' country - but I know that if that were to change (eg parents needing more care) DH would support me in getting a flat / some sort of accommodation there.

It does need to work both ways!

Have you suggested getting him to set down on paper his goal by picking a property, the initial purchase price, the cost of restoration, the annual costs and realistic letting costs, hopefully likely no-capital appreciation if in the middle of nowhere in the 'wrong area' and getting him to say what is his long term goal (you both living in the middle of nowhere in somewhere you have no attachment to). This might even show his option is not affordable with restoration costs.

You can do the same for the most commercially-viable purchase (whichever is the best country for letting, most attractive balance of purchase and income and likely capital appreciation).

Let the numbers speak for themselves. If you don't want to squash his retirement plans at this point then point out how much more money you'd have to spend on buying somewhere on retirement by making the best commercial decision which will maximise capital appreciation and accrued positive earnings after costs.

This might kick the can down the road and help him make the right decision.

Good luck.

If he is so focused on the 'more than 50%' contribution he makes and he won't give his own head a wobble then perhaps he can look how much this increment on its own without your support could buy and fund the restoration?

One of you commented about a derelict farm in the outback: it is exactly that that he adores. He is convinced the kids will love it too (riding on tractors, having cattle, being in nature, we can have a pool) but I think the exact opposite (no neighbours, no entertainment, no sea

That doesn’t make sense.

If he is thinking on retiring there then surely the children will have left home or not exactly be of an age when riding in a tractor with daddy is going to be fun.

Also the cattle bit.

If this is meant to be a holiday home then who is looking after the cattle whilst he works in another country miles away.

I either think he is thinking of moving there in the next year or 2 or he has a pipe dream that isn’t based on reality.

Also yes he might contribute more than 50% but
A) it isn’t 100%

and

B) even if it is 100% then you are still a partner and have an equal say in where you live your life.

I think he has been spurred on to throw his weight around at home by those with the wife is a sahm-who-can-be-ignored

Except you aren’t a SAHM and you are creating a fuss which cannot be ignored and that is making him look like a beaten man in front of his more mysogynistic colleagues

You need to have a final serious talk where you tell him it won't be happening, but if he keeps on harrassign you like that what WILL be happening is that you eventually split up because YOU CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE - plus, if he really thinks that earnign more money makes him the boss of the partnership then divorce it will be as you won't waste any more time with him.

The money argument is ludicrous. Presumably you do more in other sectors, such as childcare, part time, extended maternity leaves? How would he feel if you announced that because YOU have done more in this area of your partnership, they're more YOUR children and so you have to invest in property in YOUR home country? See? Ludicrous.

You need to tell him that if there will be any property investment then to be fair it will be in a neutral country. And it will not be in the middle of nowhere because then it will have to be sold when you retire as you'll be living in the city.

Honestly though he sounds pretty bad and I wonder if you'll stay married long enough for all this to be a problem.

Rent a property somewhere he likes, go there for a three week holiday, and let the kids get bored and complain incessantly.
It might cure him.

Homes in the middle of nowhere with no amenities are the last thing you need when you retire. They're fine when you're fit and healthy but soon become isolating and too much work. DM and DSF are in their 70s and had to give up their villa. There was nothing within walking distance and having to chop and lug around firewood to keep warm in the winter was too much for them.

As I said, this sounds like such a dumb fight to end our marriage on, but this is where we actually are right now.

Oh I missed this bit.

No, it's not a dumb fight - it's him showing that he believes himself to be the boss and to be the type of nasty little terrier who will BULLY AND BULLY AND BULLY until he gets his own way.

Call his bluff, tell him you're done. If you are to survive as a couple, that will be the only possible way to get through to him - for him to believe you'll leave him rather than be bullied and he will NOT get to be boss, ever.

You’ve already compromised by agreeing to buy a property in his home country instead of investing in your current home / country you live in. Where’s his compromise?

As I said, this sounds like such a dumb fight to end our marriage on, but this is where we actually are right now.

You wouldn’t be ending your marriage over a dumb fight, it would be because he’s extremely selfish & has no respect for you.

YANBU

My DH is French and sometimes wistfully talks about moving to the middle of nowhere. But, when he thinks about the reality of it, he realises it would be a terrible idea, for all the reasons others have listed above. Also, he completely understands that I would never want to live in a place like that year-round. Your husband is being massively unreasonable to keep pushing you!

If your husband's main goal is to find a place to retire, then why not invest the money you have spare right now so that you have a nice pot in 20 years and can decide then what to do. You may have completely different needs and wants by then.

And to be blunt, if you are not sure your marriage will survive, it would be foolish to give up so much money on a property now, one you won't even want a part of if you split.

"And lately he started adding the "I contribute more than 50% to the family income"- argument."

Great, then he can buy and renovate it with just his 53% of the family fun money.

Tell him if he wants that then he is to invest it without your share. The use your share on one you want.

How about renting a place like he imagines and letting him experience it? It might be enough to persuade him to drop this idea and start looking for places closer to the city/coast?