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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a gift

31 replies

Symbollove · 10/12/2019 11:51

Would it be unreasonable for me not to gift durimg xmas festive those who I've already gifted?
My sister had a baby in September, I live far, visited them and gave gifts to sister, new baby and her other child too. Was expensive. I could afford it so that's not the point. Then it was my Dsis older child birthday in October, I sent a little gift as well as a little something for my Dsis.
I will be seeing all my family over the Xmas holidays, it's also that dsis birthday this month. I have an exclusive liz Earle discount so was able to get a gift set for £10, i ordered with the intention it is for Dsis.
This month due to having other financial priorities, would it be unreasonable not to gift them anything as I feel I have given them quite alot in the last 3 months.

Tight budget and I need to priotise those of whom I haven't gifted anything to.

But I feel like I will feel awful if she gives my children or I any gifts, naturally will feel like I have to gift bavk.
What should I do, would appreciate kind feedback

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 10/12/2019 11:53

I think it would be manners to give a small token gift. It doesnt matter if it is les than they give because you have already been generous

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 11:54

Those gifts were for other reasons, birthdays, new baby etc.

If you don't want to do gifts this year, fair enough. But tell them that in advance, although you've left it a bit late.

But no it's not ok to say you got a birthday present so you can't have a Xmas one, but I'll accept from you and not tell you that's my plan.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/12/2019 11:54

So if people have birthdays between September- December they forgo Xmas???! Bizarre OP, especially as you said you could afford it!

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 11:55

It’s not those people’s fault they’ve got December birthdays or had babies. Those things are outside of Christmas. You don’t have to but, but I’d get small, fun presents from somewhere like B and M.

Are you buying for other family children?

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 10/12/2019 11:55

Yabu

misspiggy19 · 10/12/2019 11:56

YABU- those occasions were birthdays.

If you didn’t want to do Christmas gifts you should have said earlier and given more notice

BalsamicVin · 10/12/2019 11:56

If only I could scrap xmas gifts for my family as I'd given them all gifts for birthdays, other occasions 😂😂 I'd save a small fortune !

Not my cup of tea in your reasoning but if you want to then theres your answer

Whattodoabout · 10/12/2019 11:58

The gifts were for separate reasons. People can’t help being born close to Christmas although September and October birthdays are different to December ones...

You’re being tight.

Icecreamsoda99 · 10/12/2019 12:03

You need to say something to her if you go ahead with this plan, though she may well have done her Christmas shopping. Seems a bit unfair not to give to the children, especially as I imagine she has given to your children in the past. Why not just agree to do children's gifts only christmas and birthday next year and suck it up this year as you say you can afford it.

nikkylou · 10/12/2019 12:04

Who you do or don't give gifts to you is up to you.

But it seems a bizarre way of ruling off people from the list.

Surely those another gifts are for other reasons, although some of them sound like you bought presents because you bought someone else one. Perhaps cut down on that going forward so you can save for a present with a reason (I.e. a xmas present)

The people who haven't had any gifts from you this year so far. No doubt there is a reason why they have had not had a birthday present / baby shower gift.

Tbh, I'd say if they don't feature highly enough to get a birthday present, then why do you feel obliged to get them a christmas gift?

Also if you're seeing all family over christmas wont it be a bit awkward handing out gifts to other siblings, nieces and nephews while your sister and family all sit there, having had their baby gift now almost be a joint baby/xmas gift?

Would declaring you're buying for children only make the financial cost less? That's a more common, and fairer way of doing it.

Drum2018 · 10/12/2019 12:09

By this stage you should have told them you are not exchanging gifts this Christmas. It's probably too late now as they will most likely have bought yours and your kids gifts. I really think it would be shit to use the excuse that you have bought them birthday gifts. Hardly their fault they were born in the months before Christmas. Maybe this coming year decide on birthday or Christmas gifts and let them all know your decision so they don't have to buy you/your kids gifts for both occasions. This Christmas just scale back on the amount you spend for everyone and get them something in a 3for2 offer in Boots or Debenhams.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 12:09

I'm just trying to imagine the scenario, of being given presents and saying sorry, I didn't give you guys anything, because you got birthday presents.

Yeah, I know we did too, but you're all within three months of Xmas so that rules you out. Especially you new baby mom.

Hmm
Original poster
Symbollove · 10/12/2019 12:10

I haven't given her birthday gift yet as my plan would've been to give it when I see her. So like I said I live far away from my family so when I visit I do like to take gifts for everyone. Our family doesn't actually exchange Xmas presents, I always give without expecting anything in return. Which is why I say I will feel bad if dsis does give anything to my children or I, as we don't necessarily use Xmas to exchange gifts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Symbollove · 10/12/2019 12:11

So basically my family womt be expecting gifts from me for Xmas as we don't do that. But if i give it; it's because I want to and not because it's xmas. It just happens to be xmas holidays and we all will be togther

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 10/12/2019 12:11

Don't give them gifts for no reason during the rest of the year Confused

Nquartz · 10/12/2019 12:13

I'm so confused! If no one 'does' Christmas presents then you don't need to.

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2019 12:13

So it's normal for you to see them and you don't get Xmas gifts for them and they don't give you or your kids presents either?

If that's the case what's the point of this thread?

Bluetrews25 · 10/12/2019 12:14

Eh?
Someone had a baby so you got a gift for the baby - fair enough. But you ALSO got a gift for the Mum and the sibling? Really?
And then you sent a birthday present - fine - but ALSO something for the Mum?
You don't have to do that, you know, it's not usual behaviour.
It's normal to buy a pressie for the person who has 'earned' it, not for the entire family!
If you try that in future, you might not feel so aggrieved!

MinervaSaidThat · 10/12/2019 12:15

You say 'if' she gives you presents. That sounds to me as if they are no way as generous to you as you are to them.

Do you earn more and they therefore expect more from you?

If yes, I would just give token gifts. Tesco has a half price sale, you can get flower shaped bath bombs for £3.

MinervaSaidThat · 10/12/2019 12:16

And also what @Blewtrews said. You gave way too much. I bought some lovely things for MIL, SIL and DM 9 months ago. I wanted to give them the things when I saw them throughout the year, but I kept my powder dry and now I can give them as Xmas presents.

Original poster
Symbollove · 10/12/2019 12:17

I wouldn't be giving other members the gifts infront of others and it won't be given on actual Xmas day. Most likely given befire Xmas day as I will go befire Xmas, and others will recieve after Xmas day when I see them. The recipients will acknowledge it as a gift to them and not a Xmas gift. Because like I said we don't do Xmas gifts. I should've made that clear in my first post.

OP posts:
Sauvignonblanket · 10/12/2019 12:19

I don't think you can go to a big group occasion and give some people gifts and not others. If your family doesn't do Christmas gifts and people won't be giving or expecting them, even things out across next year rather than now. If there is a chance people will be giving or expecting, split your budget evenly between everyone you're equally close to - either as an equal amount each or one amount for adults and one for children. Your motivation although well-meant won't be clear in the moment and could cause unnecessary problems.

chloxox08 · 10/12/2019 12:20

If you don't wanna do Xmas gifts then don't, but don't justify it by saying you've already gave them gifts for birthday, new baby etc as that's completely different from Christmas

Original poster
Symbollove · 10/12/2019 12:21

Thanks to someone who suggested, to only give gift on their specific occasion as oppose to giving it because am gifting someone else. I don't know why i got in to a habit of doing that!
In future if it's DN bday; will just buy for DN and not dsis as well: will wait til her birthday so I don't feel like it's too much.

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 10/12/2019 12:21

I think it’s a matter of good manners to give them something as an X mas gift, even if it’s just a (small) box of chocolates or Quality Street, accompanied by a lovely Christmas card.

Another lovely inexpensive Christmas gift idea is a beautiful poinsettia in a nice plant pot.

It’s not only about the gift, it’s the thought that counts and they’ll remember it.

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