What advice would you give your 35 year old self!

[C1239]

Just wondering for those of you who are 35+ what advice you would have given yourself at that age looking back?
I find there feels like a lot of pressure of women mid 30s to have life sorted, settled down and all the answers and if you aren’t following the social norm the pressure is worse now than in your 20s?!
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, live with my partner, stepmum to his two children, in a job I feel relatively happy with, yet because I don’t plan to have my own biological children peoples comments are free in coming forward which is starting to get annoying! Surely not everyone has to follow the same path?!

Babdoc. I’m sorry for your loss.

My advice would be: get some therapy NOW - ten years down the line you’ll finally do it and wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. All the career floundering feels terrible now but you’ll find your way eventually and it’ll be worth the wait. Not every sensible decision is the right one.

Do any of you regret going part time?
I'm full time NMW but stressful job. Mum died in June.
Not functioning in full time work but not sure if I should choose a smaller monetary buffer and spending more time with my kids. Or if I should just suck it up be depressed but have a better pension at the end of it.

What would you tell your 35 year old self in this position?

1. Nurture your career. Choose a role in a field you enjoy and the money will take care of itself. Take every opportunity to study, shadow, lead projects and generally step out of your comfort zone.

1. Learn how to save and invest. Find the best current and savings accounts, learn about ISAs, early on even if you only put few pounds a month away. Budgeting is a valuable skill that can save thousands a year.

1. Pay as much as you can afford into a pension. Start early and gradually increase the amount (say by 1% per year). Aim to retire on the same amount as your net pay. (This all sounds boring but can make a huge difference to your life).

1. Resist conspicuous consumption - remember that businesses are not your friends: they are after your money. This particularly relates to the temptation to be 'on trend' whether it be fashion, decor, cars or any other purchases. And be aware that all that stuff needs to be tidied and sorted.

1. Being single isn't the worst thing that can happen. It can even be the best. Have hobbies and interests outside the family. Keep up your friendships. Don't be fearful about travelling solo and trying new things.

1. Make sure you know the basics of looking after a property and car even if you have someone willing to take on this role.

1. There are many advantages in being older. Look after your health.

Stay single

Leave your job and work with kids - yes I know that sounds insane but you will love it

Stop trying to buy happiness

Enjoy dd being that little, she’s still a gorgeous girl but the time just disappears!

Take more photos, look after yourself more, don’t be so critical of yourself.

You are 9 Stone and you think you are fat!! Honey, just wait til you see yourself at (a little over) 40!! Enjoy your little belly and stop wanting to be thinner, you r gorgeous!

It’s great to hear all these bits of advice! Keep them coming...!

Mine would be - keep your hand in work-wise and make sure you keep up with the industry. Or you will end up in a lesser industry in a lower paid job d’uh!

I find there is so much more pressure in your 30s compared to 20s, I didn’t really expect it especially on the children front I sort of thought it was no big deal but some people’s comments are strong! What’s it like in your 40s?!

I'd say ''don't have a second child''.

I love my second child but I made everything so hard. My 30s and forties (nearly over) were so hard. The struggle to get a job, afford childcare, be a mother, try and have a life.

If I hadn't had a second child I could have afforded to get back in to the work place much sooner and would have got on with rebuilding my life.

Also, I bought in to the patriarchal notion that the only way to be happy is to be in a couple, in a family.

Now staring down the barrel of 50 with two teenagers, I can see that my life could have been as rewarding as I was brave enough to make it.

But I just went down the path of having another child when deep down I knew my H cuold never be kind.

Stop spending and save more money!

Oooo
Firstly live for now and don't settle. I've had cancer 3 times in 7 years, I spent to much time worrying about other people and not enough on my own needs. Finally reclaiming my crown!

Ignore the housework - a lazy day is not a crime. You do not have to be perfect.

It's never going to change. Get divorced NOW.

@C1239 as a mum of one beautiful 1 year old at the age of 36, I would say don’t have kids unless you really want them ( I do and no regrets ) but some days are tough and I haven’t hit terrible 2’s or teen years yet.

I didn’t get pregnant until I was 34 years to bat off the comments which started in my mid 20’s I just convinced everyone I didn’t want kids ....but I have friends that say the same and I am confident the sentiment is true and they have more hope of retiring before they die 🤷‍♀️

Your body your choices Just live your best life

I agree that there's a lot of pressure on 30 something women.

In your 20s everything's a play ground. You're forgiven anything.

I think your forties are seen as your homework handed in. Ykwim? Where are you now then? The final shakedown. Married, employed?
a mother? doing well?

In my early forties I felt a failure. The playground of your 20s is all gone. Nobody laughs at your unemployment. In your 30s, it can still be hard to get back in to the workplace if you take a break for motherhood, if employers are looking at you wondering if you might disappear again to have another baby.

In my forties, I felt that in society's eyes I had failed. I was a sahm because I was a single parent with low earning potential. No relationship. I had nothing that awarded me any 'status'. Time of growth for me. I had to get identity out of personality no more.

Now, 49, I feel I've come full circle. I feel like I've rejected a lot of the constraints I tried to live up to earlier. THEY are not good enough for me!

I am feeling quite optimistic about 'the next stage' of life now. I feel wiser. I went through a phase of feeling a bit depressed, 44-47 I'd say, quietly depressed, when I thought, that's it, I'm a single parent forever, I will never be rich.

But then I came through that, read a lot of inspiring books, realised that femininity is wisdom as well as youth. I feel optimistic about being very fulfilled in my 50s.

I'm hoping I can finally structure my life in a way that gives me a bit more free time.

Enjoy yourself ! have a ball and love being with DC if you have any. Dont worry about anything it will all work out in the end!

Don't try to do it all. Make dh help with childcare.

Stop trying to please everyone. No one will return this and you'll run yourself into the ground.

Do not let dh talk.you into relocating. Just move somewhere slightly bigger and slightly nicer.

Don't give your abusive husband a second (third? fourth?) chance and move back in. You've done the hard part walking out and setting up a new home.

I did leave him for good eventually 3 years later, but it would have been a lot easier on me and dd if I'd not gone back the first time.

You are the youngest you will ever be.
If not now then why?

@borris so many do that, but at least, we're left in NO DOUBT it was the right thing, the second time.
I did what you did but had a second child :-(

Yes that is so true @HamAndPineapple. I know I gave it every chance and will be able to look my dd in the eye and explain that one day when she's old enough. Better late than never and all these life experiences shape the people we become.

Don’t bother buying that car.

I’m only 37 tho!

You have done the right thing in leaving XH but listen to your gut about your parents and don't move back in with them. They'll steal your soul! Rent somewhere cheap, away from them, and start therapy. You've been putting it off for at least 10 years. Start now and find happiness.

*Don't agree to catch on that horrible mare
*Don’t give up sport
*Don’t let that weight go back on
*Don’t apply for that bloody job in North London

Sort yourself out now - not in ten years time!

It’s quite daunting trying to make decisions now that will impact your whole future isn’t it!