Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What advice would you give your 35 year old self!

77 replies

C1239 · 09/12/2019 18:55

Just wondering for those of you who are 35+ what advice you would have given yourself at that age looking back?
I find there feels like a lot of pressure of women mid 30s to have life sorted, settled down and all the answers and if you aren’t following the social norm the pressure is worse now than in your 20s?!
I have been in a relationship for 5 years, live with my partner, stepmum to his two children, in a job I feel relatively happy with, yet because I don’t plan to have my own biological children peoples comments are free in coming forward which is starting to get annoying! Surely not everyone has to follow the same path?!

OP posts:
Furrydogmum · 09/12/2019 20:26

Up your pension contributions and overpay the mortgage sooner!

EmpressLesbianInChair · 09/12/2019 20:29

Get out NOW. It’s not going to get better. It’s going to get worse.

Babdoc, I’m so sorry.

Warmhandscoldheart · 09/12/2019 20:29

@Babdoc Flowers

When he proposes say no.

Ask to move departments, don't take redundancy.

VioletCharlotte · 09/12/2019 20:30

Stop letting men treat you like crap, you're worth so much more than that, even if you don't think so. You really don't need to be in a relationship in order to be happy. It's much better to be on your own than with someone who doesn't make you happy. Focus on your career and your kids. And sort your finances out and stop spending money you haven't got!

SoEverybodyDance · 09/12/2019 20:39

What mathanxiety said...

BrandoraPaithwaite · 09/12/2019 20:40

Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all. If it isn't working and is causing stress and pain, give dd some yummy Aptimil sooner and the whole family will be happier.

HerRoyalNotness · 09/12/2019 20:43

Save that expat money you’re about to earn, you’ll need it in 10 years. Oh and start that degree now, it’ll be a real drag in your mid 40s 😬

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/12/2019 20:49

Im not over 35 quite, but i'd love to advise my younger self.....

  • Look after your teeth.
  • Don't gain weight.
  • 2018 is the low point, you DO get past it, and watching DS cuddle his long awaited baby sister goes a long way to healing the miscarriages.
  • have kids sooner, not later
  • your job really is not everything, you will love being home with the kids so much more than you know.
  • sell the shares. Ftlog, sell them.
WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 09/12/2019 20:53

Leave as soon as possible after the birth of your second child. Your joy in their childhood will be taken from you and you'll have a nervous breakdown you'll never really recover from if you stay in your marriage any longer than that.

dontmentionbookclub · 09/12/2019 20:54

You are so much better looking and stylish than you think you are, so make the most of it. Don't worry about the biological clock ticking as you'll find it surprisingly easy to get pregnant and you've actually got time to find someone else if you want. Think carefully now...

31133004Taff · 09/12/2019 21:04

@BrandoraPaithwaite - just that!

ItsMs · 09/12/2019 21:07

@Babdoc Thanks

Very similar to me at same age. Said goodbye one morning as we went our separate ways to work as normal, not knowing that only a few hours later life as I knew it would be devastated and forever changed.

We were very happy and there are no regrets of I wish I had..... but I do sometimes feel a bit Hmmwhen you see posts about really petty arguments with OH. Life really can be too short.

I actually found Mumsnet during those grief stricken small hours of the night that followed. (I lurked for several years before joining). Seeing others posting about their problems and the many helpful messages of support somehow helped give me comfort too.

Purplewithred · 09/12/2019 21:08

"Leave now".

2anddone · 09/12/2019 21:23

I would tell my 35 year old self life is about to change beyond anything I could ever imagine....hang in there kid in 7 years time you are going to feel so much better for it even though between now and then it will feel like you won't get through it.

Booboosweet · 09/12/2019 21:32

You are a fabulous, beautiful bitch is what I would have said to myself. Keep writing and keep fighting.

musicposy · 09/12/2019 21:35

Enjoy the good bits - good health, being active and not tired easily, having plenty of opportunities left and time to do them. Grab all opportunities whilst it's easy. Enjoy being young and attractive (because you still are). Eat well and look after yourself because otherwise the day will come when you really do regret it.

Save money/ pay off your mortgage if you can. Don't fritter it on possessions that you won't even have or remember ten years down the line. Make sure that when you get older if you get less able to work, you have a buffer. When you do spend your money, spend it on memories and experiences, holidays, learning new stuff, having fun. Those are the things that stay by you and fortify you in life.

The pressure, the worry what people think, that all gets better. You'll blink and be 50 so enjoy every year but don't fear that. So much is better. As the time ahead gets less, the appreciation of everything you have and do grows. You'll care so much less what people think so try to include that attitude now. Don't feel you have to follow the crowd or the norm, or do stuff you don't want to. Life really is too short for that. Dance to your own tune in life and enjoy it.

Werkwerkwerkwerk · 09/12/2019 21:42

Leave the job with the toxic culture.
Don't wait TTC.
Back yourself.

FVFrog · 09/12/2019 21:44

Don’t move to the US. It’s the beginning of the end of your marriage and leads to the financially precarious future you are now facing. Don’t give up your career to support his.

mrsshardlake · 09/12/2019 21:45

Get healthy! I turned 40 and started (for the first time) regular exercise and keeping an eye on calories. Lost 20kg in 6 months and feel great 3 years later - wish I'd done it sooner.

Calmingvibrations · 09/12/2019 21:47

I tell you, even when you have one kid people start telling you that you need a second 😏. Ignore others.

I’d tell myself to start looking after my finances better and save more. I’ve never had a lot of money so didn’t bother, but wish I’d tightened my belt even more.

colouringinpro · 09/12/2019 21:47

Leave him now. That inexplicable exhaustion and unhappiness you feel after spending lots of time with him are just the first signs of much awfulness to come. You are much, much stronger than you think, and you have good family and friends who'll help. Trust me.

ImportantWater · 09/12/2019 21:52

They will sleep through the night eventually.
You are right to think that the effort you are putting in now will pay off in the future.
You are not fat now but you will be if ypu don't keep an eye on your drinking and cut back on the snacks after you turn 40.

EustaciaPieface · 09/12/2019 22:01

Listen to your body - if things (knees, ankles etc) hurt or give you a bit of trouble get them checked out.

Allinadaystwerk · 09/12/2019 22:58

I'd say to my 35 year old self...You've got doubts? Listen to your gut; look at those HUGE red flags and DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!

AgeLikeWine · 09/12/2019 23:02

You made the right decision about not having children, and you will not regret it. You know that already, though, don’t you?