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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stalk my boss?

39 replies

HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 18:23

Usually, I wouldn’t go around hunting for information about my boss and his private life.

But. I think my boss’s sister may be married to the man who sexually harassed me out of a previous job. I need to know and decide what to do next. I just found out this is a possibility and I feel sick.

Does anyone know how I search for this type of information in ultra-stealth private mode? I cannot be associated with it?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/12/2019 18:24

Are you going to be working with him directly? Will he impact on you? If not, why on earth would you push this?

Lucylouxc · 09/12/2019 18:24

Honestly OP, I’m saying this with the best of intentions, I wouldn’t get involved in doing that. You’ll drive yourself mad

Waterandlemonjuice · 09/12/2019 18:26

Is he a director of a company? If so his address may be listed at companies house. Also look on Facebook and LinkedIn. Might be worth searching planning applications too, they’re often quite useful. It’ll be easier if he has an unusual name.

Waterandlemonjuice · 09/12/2019 18:27

YABU though, I’m not sure what you’d do with the information

AdriannaP · 09/12/2019 18:38

What her/his possible brother-in-law did has nothing to do with them. You are only speculating, please don’t stalk or spy on your boss.

Sorry this has happened to youFlowers

CAG12 · 09/12/2019 18:42

Do you have anything to do with your bosses sister?
If not, id leave this well alone

Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 18:49

No - I have nothing to do with his sister.

I was properly traumatised by his possible brother-in-law who was horrendous. I didn’t eat or sleep properly for months and took a career damaging job just to get away from him. It was awful.

I am over it and have put it behind me, got on, got much better job etc. But today the dots seemed to join. I might be 2+2=5. I hope I am. I really need to know.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/12/2019 18:57

Seriously, you don’t need to know.It won’t help you in any way and will just stir up nasty memories. He is irrelevant to your life now. Don’t do anything stupid that will jeopardise your current job.

Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 19:01

This information has completely destabilised me.

I agree that it mustn’t compromise my current job. To be clear, I don’t propose to physically stalk him, definitely definitely not.

I don’t want his address or anything about him except this connection. All I want is enough information to - please god - rule out any connection to that fuckwit.

OP posts:
Redcliff · 09/12/2019 19:03

What are you planning to do if they are connected?

Louiselouie0890 · 09/12/2019 19:05

Why do you need to know?

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 09/12/2019 19:06

Have a look on Facebook?

Why would it matter? (In the nicest way, I'm not being dismissive) Would you need to see him if it were the case?

CAG12 · 09/12/2019 19:06

But why though? Are you doing it for the sake of his sister?

Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 19:09

What will I do? Really not sure.

I guess just prepare myself for how to handle any discussion about ‘family events’ or whatever. Make sure I never put the chat in the direction of where I worked before. I just want to be strong and ready for it.

I really hate that guy. It was a misogynistic abuse of power and I am worried how I would react. I want to be prepared.

My boss is lovely btw - I know it isn’t his fault.

OP posts:
Keepmewarm · 09/12/2019 19:10

What makes you think they are related?
What will you do if they are?

EightiesBaby · 09/12/2019 19:13

"I guess just prepare myself for how to handle any discussion about ‘family events’ or whatever. Make sure I never put the chat in the direction of where I worked before. I just want to be strong and ready for it."

Do this anyway...it's a small world. Get some counseling on this to, it's really the only thing to do xxFlowers

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2019 19:14

No, no, no, no, no.

Your boss's brother-in-law is literally none of your business. You will never need to be in contact with him. So it does not matter whether or not it is the guy.

What I think you actually need to do is get some counselling to help you process what happened and stop it affecting your everyday life to this extent.

VenusTiger · 09/12/2019 19:19

I am over it and have put it behind me, got on, got much better job etc

So, what if you bump into him in a supermarket or a restaurant?

You’re not over it OP and if what he did to you was an offence, then put it to bed and seek legal advice and /or get some counselling for what happened. You’re not over it at all and clearly are not moving on.
Flowers

FrivolousPancake · 09/12/2019 19:19

No OP this seems like a terrible idea

Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 19:36

Ok - IABU.

I am quite surprised by how unanimous this is. I am over it as far as I will ever be. It isn’t unusual to want to shield yourself from nasty surprises.

However, I don’t want to cross any lines with my boss. I wish I could just know the answer. But the process of finding is BU.

OP posts:
CAG12 · 09/12/2019 19:40

Its not the process of finding out thats unreasonable. Its the fact you feel you need to know at all thats unreasonable.

I do think you perhaps need a bit more counsilling.

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2019 19:42

Its not the process of finding out thats unreasonable. Its the fact you feel you need to know at all thats unreasonable.

Well, it's both, honestly.

CAG12 · 09/12/2019 19:44

Yeah you're right, the proposed stalking is also unreasonable

fizzysister · 09/12/2019 19:45

I am inclined to agree with many pps; this way madness may lie and I think counselling would be a very good thing for you to pursue. However I totally understand that to rule it out would make a massive difference to the anxiety you feel right now. Equally, to know it were the case would help you to feel somewhat prepared.

Birth marriage and death registration info is public and available on genealogy websites so that avenue would NBU. If you had enough info to find the ex-boss' marriage record and get his wife's maiden name, would that fulfil your objective?

Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 19:48

I do wonder whether anyone on this thread has experienced anything like this?

Not wanting to bump into the person, hear about them or have anything to do with them is not weird or abnormal or wrong. It’s protective.

I am not going to undermine my relationship with my boss, on the basis of your replies. But to those who say that wanting the knowledge in itself is wrong, actually its normal.

OP posts: