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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stalk my boss?

39 replies

HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 18:23

Usually, I wouldn’t go around hunting for information about my boss and his private life.

But. I think my boss’s sister may be married to the man who sexually harassed me out of a previous job. I need to know and decide what to do next. I just found out this is a possibility and I feel sick.

Does anyone know how I search for this type of information in ultra-stealth private mode? I cannot be associated with it?

OP posts:
Amys136 · 09/12/2019 19:49

I’d talk to a councillor. If the idea of a tenuous connection like that prompts this reaction then what would happen if you bumped into him in a supermarket or restaurant as a poster above suggested.

If you really need to know then next time your boss mentioned his BIL then just ask “oh is that xxx that works for xxx?” You don’t have to tell your boss about anything negative just say that you used to work together

JolieOBrien · 09/12/2019 19:50

@HappyHoolet

Just tell him and let him decide how to use the information

TellerTuesday4EVA · 09/12/2019 20:12

I'm sorry OP but I agree with everyone else. Personally I haven't spoken to my BIL for 6 years I can 100% guarantee that none of his present or past actions have any influence on my character or the type of manager I am.

Xiaoxiong · 09/12/2019 20:22

OP I have a similar situation - I walked out of a company a year ago that I co-founded because we had been acquired by a company whose CEO and main partners turned out to be massive misogynistic bullies. I now work in a new lovely job relatively close to my old office - the other day I thought I saw one of them from behind in the street and I got genuinely panicky, hyperventilating, pounding heart, the works. I had counselling at the time but obviously haven't got over this experience.

In the past when relations were better that CEO frequently mentioned that he was family friends with some people DH knows through work. So sometimes I worry that he will turn up, that the people DH knows will mention him, etc. But I have just had to focus on the fact that I am much happier now, I have a great new job and it was their massive loss that I walked away. I wasn't going to be spoken to like that so I should hold my head up high. If I do see any of those pricks I want them to kick themselves that they let me get away. However my lizard brain is harder to control and I still get a bit panicky thinking about it all.

Cherrysoup · 09/12/2019 20:26

I have never in over 30 years of working met or even discussed my boss’s brother in law, why on earth would I? Drop it, OP, no good can come of this.

Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 20:40

Thanks @Xiaoxiong - like you, I’ve done the right thing in getting away. Now I want to keep clear of it.

I discuss my boss’s family quite a lot - we’re a small team. Sister hadn’t come up until today.

I am not really sure that ‘drop it’ is actually an appropriate response to someone who has experienced sexual harassment. I am strong now, but some of the replies here are a bit unnecessary.

OP posts:
poorstudent1010 · 09/12/2019 20:50

If you know your harasser’s name, wouldn’t it be easier to do a quick Facebook search to see if he’s married to the sister. Either do it logged out (there may be public photos) or on a friend’s account

Having said that, I don’t think it would do you any good to delve though. Don’t really see the point, it won’t give you anything but a complex

mauvaisereputation · 09/12/2019 20:59

I think you have to put it out of your head. When are you ever going to have anything to do with your boss's sister or indeed her husband? I wonder if it might help to have some therapy to get past the horrible traumatic experience you had in your old job.

Lovestonap · 09/12/2019 21:05

Going against the grain here, but I understand and I would want to know too. Its fine to have therapy to recover from an abuser who is no longer in your life, but to try and live with the risk that you might see them /hear of them at any time? That would be harder. Also, if op finds out they're not connected she can feel much more relaxed at work.
Personally I would want to find out. Forewarned is forearmed.
No stalking though op but I think you meant more of a 'deep-dive' into your boss's connections....

SouthWestmom · 09/12/2019 21:06

Are you worried that your boss will say 'oh my new person used to work in x firm Bill, do you know her?' And he slates you? That's literally the only thing that would cross my mind

Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 21:25

Thanks @Lovestonap ‘Deep Dive’ is definitely a less awkward way of putting it...Smile I don’t want to cross a line with my boss, who doesn’t warrant the intrusion at all.

But fuck, I don’t want to be wrong footed by this. I hate it. It is like my awful old job infecting my lovely new one.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 21:29

Yes, he might slate me, although I think my new boss has the measure of me so that isn’t really the issue.

The issue is dealing with listening to chummy conversations about family stuff when I know what the BIL is like. Hellish.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyHoolet · 09/12/2019 21:37

I stalked the bastard’s wife. She wouldn’t know who I was from Adam.

And, lo - not a relative of nice boss!

So glad I did that. Sorry, everyone who said IWBU. You were probably right but the feeling of relief is amazing. And boss’s privacy is undisturbed.

Wanker’s wife is blissfully unaware, and not just about this...

OP posts:
AcrobaticCardigan · 09/12/2019 21:49

So glad there was no connection and you can breathe easy in your lovely new job.

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