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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother wants to spend all of Christmas at her house.

29 replies

AG29 · 09/12/2019 13:37

Back story, mother of 2 living with long term partner. Live only about a 20 minute drive from my parents which isn’t far but..

Every Christmas my mum expects me to go over to hers on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day for a few hours each time and gets offended if we don’t. But I just want to spend time in our home and just visit the once.

She’s not lonely or elderly. She lives with my stepdad and teenage siblings.

She’s always spent every Christmas with my grandparents (still does) but she was a single mum when we were little and she’s estranged from her mil. She doesn’t seem to understand that we also have my in laws to see and also just like to do our own thing. We have two children with additional needs and we sometimes just want to chill at home doing our own thing. They never visit us and they don’t have to leave their home.

She doesn’t bother this much during the day so aibu to think we don’t have to spend every single day at Christmas with them just because it’s Christmas?

We want to start our own traditions doing our own thing.

I always want to stay in Boxing Day. So DC can have a proper look at their toys and watch films, eat rubbish....

OP posts:

BendingSpoons · 09/12/2019 13:40

You just need to be firm and let her be offended. Visiting once is completely fine.

AdaColeman · 09/12/2019 15:10

You just need to tell your Mum all that, calmly but firmly. Do it ASAP so she can't play the "I've bought all the food already" card.
Be prepared for tantrums, but remember you are a grown up now, and can make your own decisions.
Have a lovely Christmas!

WheresMyChocolate · 09/12/2019 15:16

Trust me on this one, the first Christmas you have where you put your foot down and have the Christmas you want will be the best Christmas you ever have.

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2019 15:18

See her, but on your terms. You aren’t being unreasonable, she is being selfish.

Whattodoabout · 09/12/2019 15:18

Of course YANBU. You will not regret staying at home with your DC, it’s honestly so much easier plus they’re only young once so make the most of it.

Tensixtysix · 09/12/2019 15:22

Christmas day is about your family under YOUR roof.
We used to run around everyone else's houses before we had our own kids and then we put our foot down!
Boxing day is when we get together with others and we meet at the biggest house/

Ratbagcatbag · 09/12/2019 15:23

Sod that.

Tell her that you'll only be visiting on Christmas Eve this year.
Go over and enjoy it and then spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day in PJs with the kids. Honestly. You'll love it.

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2019 15:23

Christmas day is about your family under YOUR roof.

I don’t necessarily agree. It’s about your family doing what works for you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2019 15:30

gets offended if we don’t

So let her get offended. Start your own traditions, like you said.

The only person stopping you from doing this is you

OldElPasoHadAChicken · 09/12/2019 15:44

You are not beholden to her. You are a separate family unit. Maybe ask her to choose if she wants to see you on xmas eve or xmas day, as those are the only two days you will visit people but she only gets to choose one. And see no one on boxing day so you can have a pyjama day with films and toys and food.

This is my second xmas with my current partner and we are just working out what our traditions are. It's fun. You owe it to yourself.

ForalltheSaints · 09/12/2019 15:47

Visit once, and as suggested, say that now to allow all of you including your mum to plan accordingly.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2019 16:02

Trust me on this one, the first Christmas you have where you put your foot down and have the Christmas you want will be the best Christmas you ever have.

This

Equanimitas · 09/12/2019 16:06

Tell her if she wants to see you more than once, she'll have to come to yours. If she chooses to be offended at that, so be it.

TheWinterCaillech · 09/12/2019 16:13

Tell her you’ll come over for Boxing Day. If you want to make new traditions that suit your family, you will need to find your backbone, because she’s ruled the roost so far and everyone has let her.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 09/12/2019 16:13

Maybe ask her to choose if she wants to see you on xmas eve or xmas day, as those are the only two days you will visit people but she only gets to choose one

This is a good idea and doesn't completely take away control from her. If she creates a fuss then just state as a fact that you have DH's family to visit too, as well as plans of your own, so she can't monopolise your time.

BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 16:17

Tell her if she wants to see you more than once, she'll have to come to yours. If she chooses to be offended at that, so be it.

This^^. She doesn't have young children with additional needs, so I think visiting once is definitely fine imo.

Yetanotherwinter · 09/12/2019 16:18

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s important for your own little family to start your own traditions. If I were you I’d explain that you want to do this and will visit her on one of the days for a few hours. I think it’s important that kids are also allowed to enjoy some downtime in their own home environment. It’s such a stressful time when you feel you’re under the pump to visit people. Do what’s best for your own family.

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2019 16:19

She can spend Christmas where she wants, but so can you. I would plan to visit her one day, invite her to yours one day, and spend one day on your own. If she doesn't come to yours when invited, that's fine and you will get two days on your own.

Gatehouse77 · 09/12/2019 16:31

I'm afraid I haven't really got time for people who are offended by reasonable behaviour.

One thing DH and I decided before we even had children was that we would decide on a year-by-year basis what we wanted to do for Christmas and conveyed that to my his parents and my mum. All of whom had no issue as they knew we'd ensure they saw us/grandchildren at some point over the time period.

State what you want to do and don't be swayed if your family unit are agreement (children's input entirely dependent on age).

FizzyIce · 09/12/2019 16:35

Just tell her!
You must know that’s what everyone on here will say?
If she doesn’t like it ,tough.
You can’t live your life pleasing her at your own expense.
Tell her you‘lol come over Christmas Day for a few hours and then have C Eve and Boxing Day at home.
I changed things up this year and some of the in-laws were a bit put out but oh well, it was time we did something for us and now they’re fine about it ,not that that matters really..

Forgotmy · 09/12/2019 16:46

It is not fair of people, be they parents ILs and/or other relatives to put a guilt trip on others like this.

I am sorry to say it, but it is very selfish of them TBH. Do they not realise that you are an adult, have your own life and WILL actually see them?

Reminds me of those who have ill relatives who need a lot of care, and the ill person absolutely refuses to accept help or take respite or whatever. Makes me shudder at the sheer selfishness of this approach. But I understand that some people who are ill are not thinking straight either.

Time to stand up for yourself and your family now. What does DP think about this command and control? For that is what it is.

I hope you muster up the courage to decide what YOU want, and going forward it will be much easier.

rainbowlou · 09/12/2019 16:51

As a pp said, the one year we put our foot down was the best Christmas I’d ever had!
I invited them over for a Christmas breakfast but they refused to disrupt their morning by coming out

gamerchick · 09/12/2019 16:59

You'll probably get at least one person saying you're U because at least you have a mother and they won't be around forever but I'm with PP.

Pick a day, tell her you'll be visiting then and she's welcome to come visit you on any other. Sod her being offended, it's your Christmas as well

Original poster

AG29 · 10/12/2019 10:50

Thanks all. Unfortunately she isn’t the easiest person to speak to. Often childish in her ways. She had been known not to speak to people for days, weeks or months over silly things. In all honesty I’m a bit scared of her but I am going to put my foot down.

She just seems to think her way or no way.

OP posts:

Equanimitas · 10/12/2019 11:26

It sounds like her not speaking to you should be regarded as a bonus.

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