Had argument with DP over drinking now he hasn't come home from the shop

[youcanbetonHOLD]

Shitting it.
Recently decided to come down hard on DPs drinking and not be an enabler like I have been for the past 6 years. Pregnant again so that's why it feels more urgent now.

He regularly drinks large amounts. At least 8 cans. He drinks at least 3/4 times a week.
He will go to the shop at 11 and even ride his bike to the further one which is open later and much further away, just for beer and fags.

Tonight was more of the same. We went to the pub for dinner with our three kids. He had two pints. Brought 8 cans on way back. Only three left. He left at 10:40/45 to make it before shop closes for cigarettes and beer.

I took the house key and told him I don't want him smoking or drinking anymore. We had a big argument and heart to heart only two or three days ago where he swore he would stop.

Well its been 40 mins. And he isn't back from the SHOP. Only 5 mins there and back on the bike.
He is showing me who is boss isn't he? I don't know what to do.
I have called local pubs. Most are shutting now anyway. And friends who live nearby.
He has no family he sees anymore so I don't know where he could be.
I am worried he is hurt.
I am also worried I have unintentionally given him an ultimatum and he has chosen beer and fucking fags.

He said he was going for cigarettes but it would have been for beer as well.
He got through 5 cans in about an hour and a half.

I am worried about him long term.
And short term.

He agreed he had a problem and joined an online community for about a month about 2 years ago. Then he started drinking again and all arguments are deflected. He will stop drinking when I cut down on sugar. Or work out every day or start running (not being a dick- they were my failing goals)
He will not admit it is a problem anymore, even after our breakthrough.
Now I am worried he is out on his bike pissed up and Could be in serious danger. I would rather him home drinking than out in a mood. He didn't even take his phone! He let me go on it while he went to the shop because mine was dead.

He is lovely and kind and caring 90% of the time.
A functioning alcoholic though.
I am not going to leave him but the kids say things about daddy's drinking beer and mommy's drinking tea.
'I'm daddy I have whisky' etc. So very much affe ting them already.

His argument used to be that his dad used to drink 4 cans most night. Even if it was the last bit of money in the bank (I know it's true)

My BIL is an alcoholic. He no longer drinks, but he isn’t recovering. He won’t ever recover. He has destroyed 80% of his liver which can no longer process the toxins in his body. As a result it has caused permanent brain damage and he now has dementia. His body doesn’t work properly, he soils himself all the time and he can barely talk or walk.

He is now in a care home as SIL can’t cope with him any more.
She has had years of misery living with him, his children hate him and what he has done to their mother. Unless your partner can acknowledge that he has a drink problem this is what you can look forward to.

Your children are going to grow up resenting your enabling behaviour.

Sadly, this could be the case. My nephews don't have much respect for their mother beause they feel that she should have left their dad.

How do you stop enabling?

You ask him to leave and make a life for yourself and the children without him

Or you leave and make a life for yourself and the children which doesn't involve him day to day

But you won't do this and you'll keep on blaming him for your horrible life when YOU are creating your horrible life by staying with him

He will not change until he wants to change and that may be never

How do you stop enabling?

You don't strip off their soiled clothes
You leave them on the floor with their head in the dog bowl or similar
Don't clean them up
Stop washing their clothes
Stop cooking for them
Don't pick them up if they need collecting from somewhere

An alcoholic needs to wake up from sleeping on the floor cold, hungry and thirsty in soiled clothes to realise how low they have sunk.

Most of all you need to put all the savings into a bank account that only you can access.

But @Ginfordinner - the children will see this. I really strongly urge the OP to get away from this alcoholic so that she and her children are able to make a life for themselves and allow the alcoholic to make his own life, his own way

My children play at being drunk

What the hell are you doing. Say that out loud as many times as you need to and stop ruining their lives.

In a cruel to be kind effort, OP, you are not burying your head in the sand, you are enabling, excusing and brought 4 children into this?! It's time to stop the "he's so brilliant in every other way" and "I can't leave, my poor mental health...I can't leave there are beaten women who need the accommodation more...I can't leave I'm on universal credit" and put your many children (that you make excuses that they were from contraception failures) first.

Time to get your act together, for those poor children.

Good point Goldenchildsmum
This is advice I often see though.

You can't show him the light. He is an addict. Do your children matter to you? They are already being affected. You say you can't leave- I say you must. By staying you are still enabling him. I had one like yours. Believe me, it only gets worse. Mine lost everything, including his life. He didn't stop even after leaving the family home escorted by the police because he threatened to kill me. My Dd2 has PTSD because of the things he did when drunk.

Leave. Claim benefits. Then find work. Save your children and yourself.

The joys of being poor im afraid. - how much does m]he spend on fags and booze? Have you ever added it up?

A pack of fags is at least £10 these days, more like between £10-15. That's £70a week, minimum. A 4pack of beer in a cheap shop, £5ish, so 8 tins = £10 on top. 2-3 times a week? £30, so HIS spending on HIS addictions comes to minimum £100. A WEEK.

Tell us again how poor you are? How far would an extra £400 a month go - on your children, rather than down his neck?

No one can stop him drinking or smoking (except him) but you can get your children away from his appalling influence. Maybe if he is spending his money on Child Maintenance instead of fags, he'd have to give up?

So he spends 4 hours a day commuting to work? Five days a week I assume?

When does he actually find time to drink this much? And you can’t be that poor if he’s got all this money to spend on alcohol and cigarettes? And I assume he contributes towards petrol costs to the person who gives him a lift to and fro work?

Why does he work so far away?

So you live in a small flat with 3 children and another one in the way? Where do you all fit in?!

And he says he drinks alcohol because he doesn’t have a hobby? What the hell? What’s your hobby OP and how much time do you get to spend doing it? My guess is you don’t really have one or even time to pursue one, it doesn’t drive you to alcohol though does it?

His excuses are ridiculous.

My sister was with an alcoholic and she left him, just walked out one day with her children and came to stay with me for a month, then another family member for a month and then with a friend for a month, all whilst she got herself sorted.

The damage it did to her children by having stayed with him for as long as she did is evident now, even 5 years later. She tells me over and and over that she wished she had left him much sooner.

The fact your children think it’s funny and pretend to be drunk is frankly disgusting.

You need to do something because you can’t let your children grow up thinking his behaviour and your relationship is normal.

Part of me really hopes all this isn’t true because it’s all incredibly sad.

I understand you are in a very difficult situation but your children are going to grow up negatively affected by this and you need to leave him to protect them.

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever
Thank you, you actually brought a tear to my eye and I am glad I checked this morning. I was about to delete the account and try to forget about it because of all of the comments regarding my children. Thank you for your compassion. Honestly. I was feeling stupid for having children.

Fwiw me and my siblings resented my mother for leaving my dad and after two years she came back. I was 12-14 and it affected school and made everything g harder. I missed my dad, even though I hated the fighting I still loved him and still do. Now he is older he doesn't hurt her anymore and is a model husband so people can change. He is also ery upset for how he acted and so I have first hand proof that a man Can change.
I love my dad and have a better relationship with him than my mum. I don't blame her for staying for so long and I don't blame her for leaving and I don't blame her for coming back. She had 4 children also and they went on and had another after they got back together.

@JingsMahBucket yes, it made me feel embarrassed and I thought "what was I thinking going to WA they must have thought I was a bleeding idiot'

It hasn't been a steady decline with DPs drinking either. He will regularly go through spells of no drinking or only light drinking. We have been together for years and it is the only source of tension really. He will get worse and then if he Is working loads he will stop for a bit or in summer he will either take a couple of beers to the park while we have a picnic or he will not have any and we will ride our bikes for miles and miles and he won't want to stop off at a pub for a rest on the way back. So it isnt black and white.
He really is a good man and I dont want to leave him because of his problem.

Thank you so much

I just think splitting is the end of the world.

I missed the above

And this perfectly reasonable perspective will almost certainly - imo - ruin your childrens' lives

@MotherHeggy
My dp has said that too! But I do t want him to drive incase he drink drives.

I have a tiny amount. Not enough for a deposit or months rent on a rental. He has saved the bulk I. A few months of trying. I saved a tiny amount over years. Not nearly enough to start a new life.

It isn't that I do want to leave or don't want to leave. It is that I am unsure. I know I would be in temp accommodation for about 2 years. Something I had to get from other women because nobody in a position to help me get to it would give me a time frame. Possibly because it is too long to want to deal with.

Sometimes I think about running and going to spend a few nights in a hotel with the kids. But then I think about how they will react. My son is very difficult. I find it difficult to deal with him at home, with a partner.

My grandad died of some sort of liver problem. I didn't visit him ever and I didn't go to his funeral. I hated being forced to visit when I was a child because I was forced to give him a kiss and sit on his lap while he talked slurred shit to me and spat all over my face. I think I will tell dp about that, it is my own little story. I suppose that Is where he could end up. I never thought about that before. The two didn't seem connected.

In this situation at the moment..husband is a functioning alcoholic
Refuses to get support or see it as a huge problem. We are now separating.

I don't think that going round in circles is going to help.
Rather than demand he stops/gets help you could say no drinking around the children.
He could spend time teaching his children the reasons why alcohol is a bad thing.
If his drinking has stepped up since going NC, it might mean he's never been taught how to handle stressful situations/ be reslient so he looks to the bottle to numb himself.
Taking the bottle away will drag up grief etc which is all good for him to heal but not whilst you're pregnant.
Bide your time until the birth.

If he can go without it sometimes then he can give it up if you and his children mean anything to you. Honestly OP, please don't live in the hope that he might change, or that your children won't be affected.

I've been a registered nurse for nearly 22 years and I cannot stress to you how distressing and grim the affects of alcoholism has on the body. I've seen people die from a lifetime alcohol abuse-I wouldn't wish it on anyone or their loved ones. Think of his addiction like a terminal illness-he needs to seek medical help if he refuses you have to help your children and yourself. Your children were distressed when they thought you were drinking beer?!! Yeah this situation has already damaged them

‘Having one more isnt the end of the world and i posted before about considering abortion. I was told to think about it thoroughly because you dont regret having children, but you do regret having abortions.’

You don’t have to listen to everything people on Mumsnet tell you either. They aren’t going to raise your kids for you.

Ultimately he isn't prepared to face up to his problem and get help and so he will take you down with him if you let him
You either leave and save yourself and your children or you stay and you all drown together

He doesnt get hung over anymore.

Yes he does. He is just too de-sensitised to perceive it anymore. He is operating under the effect of a constant, ceaseless hangover, & drinking more & more just to try & reach a feeling of 'normal'.

I put up with my functioning alcoholic husband for years. Until he wasn't functioning anymore and he left home. Now he's out of work and living hundreds of miles away. I get no money and he never sees the kids.

Still preferable to someone who drinks all the money away and pisses the bed. My only regret is that I didn't do it years ago.

I kicked him out the morning after he sat on my chest and tried to strangle me.
We had been together 2 years and the escalation was terrifying.
He stalled for a bit after that but got bored and went elsewhere. Found someone to drink with.
If he is drinking he is ot processing anybthoyghts about stopping. Or you. Or life.
Beer and fags are the immediate answer to it all and u r trying to get inbthe way.
I think it nigh on impossible to correct an alcohol. You risk the kids childhood and your own sanity.
He wont chose. Then u do.

Hi @youcanbetonHOLD I haven't rtft but can I recommend al-anon for you, it is a support group for families of those affected by addiction. You will find good support there, whether you choose to stay or go.

I personally hope your partner is able to admit his problem and enter a recovery programme. He can contact the local drug and alcohol service for support such as a 1-2-1 worker or peer group sessions.

There's lots out there
All the best x

I think unfortunately that if he keeps drinking alcohol to the levels he is doing that his liver will eventually pack up and that will be that - it will all be out of your hands and you will end up widowed with 4 kids and coping on your own. Has he thought of that? That is the future he is potentially creating for you.

My father in law still doesn't accept he had a drinking problem, and he was in the ICU for a couple of weeks with the DTs after his pancreas straight-up died from alcohol abuse. They have to want to stop.