Had argument with DP over drinking now he hasn't come home from the shop

[youcanbetonHOLD]

Shitting it.
Recently decided to come down hard on DPs drinking and not be an enabler like I have been for the past 6 years. Pregnant again so that's why it feels more urgent now.

He regularly drinks large amounts. At least 8 cans. He drinks at least 3/4 times a week.
He will go to the shop at 11 and even ride his bike to the further one which is open later and much further away, just for beer and fags.

Tonight was more of the same. We went to the pub for dinner with our three kids. He had two pints. Brought 8 cans on way back. Only three left. He left at 10:40/45 to make it before shop closes for cigarettes and beer.

I took the house key and told him I don't want him smoking or drinking anymore. We had a big argument and heart to heart only two or three days ago where he swore he would stop.

Well its been 40 mins. And he isn't back from the SHOP. Only 5 mins there and back on the bike.
He is showing me who is boss isn't he? I don't know what to do.
I have called local pubs. Most are shutting now anyway. And friends who live nearby.
He has no family he sees anymore so I don't know where he could be.
I am worried he is hurt.
I am also worried I have unintentionally given him an ultimatum and he has chosen beer and fucking fags.

He said he was going for cigarettes but it would have been for beer as well.
He got through 5 cans in about an hour and a half.

I am worried about him long term.
And short term.

He agreed he had a problem and joined an online community for about a month about 2 years ago. Then he started drinking again and all arguments are deflected. He will stop drinking when I cut down on sugar. Or work out every day or start running (not being a dick- they were my failing goals)
He will not admit it is a problem anymore, even after our breakthrough.
Now I am worried he is out on his bike pissed up and Could be in serious danger. I would rather him home drinking than out in a mood. He didn't even take his phone! He let me go on it while he went to the shop because mine was dead.

He is lovely and kind and caring 90% of the time.
A functioning alcoholic though.
I am not going to leave him but the kids say things about daddy's drinking beer and mommy's drinking tea.
'I'm daddy I have whisky' etc. So very much affe ting them already.

His argument used to be that his dad used to drink 4 cans most night. Even if it was the last bit of money in the bank (I know it's true)

OP, my guess is he's spending at least £50 a week on beer and cigarettes. That's really at bare minimum, with 24 beers and two packs. Chances are that it's probably 30+ beers and 3 packs or more, which would be closer to £70--or over £3600/year. That's a lot of holiday.

He has a serious problem. This isn't something you can convince him out of.

I'm glad you're going to get help. I second (or third) Al-Anon or some other form of support/counseling.

He is not a good partner and father. He doesn't just drink when they are in bed because as you have said they pretend they are Daddy being drunk. So they see it they are aware of it. He is spending a minimum of £70 a week on beer and fags. What could you do with that.

@youcanbetonHOLD the wait for treatment for any addiction is long. For example, the wait here for someone with a class A drug addiction which is an almost immediate threat to their life is 3 years. Most people don't make it that far. Alcohol is a different beast in many ways, physically easier to come off with the correct support ie rehab, but it is readily available almost everywhere. Popping into the supermarket for some bread, it's there. Grabbing a chocolate bar from the corner shop, it's there. Going out for some food on a Sunday afternoon, there's alcohol available. I say this as someone who grew up with an addict in the house, it will be their priority, they won't try and give up unless they want to, and even then it will always be a battle. Money set aside for the family will be spent on alcohol, their health will likely suffer and they will require support whilst still drinking. Honestly, I'm not saying everyone should be abandoned who is struggling, but with children in the mix it will have a lasting effect on them, especially if they already like to play drink to be like dad; that made me cry. You deserve better as well, hopefully you have enough savings to try and start again, it's bloody hard, and easy for strangers on the internet to say what to do. But you can do it, the fact he has broken furniture is worrying too.

My ex husband is a child of an alcoholic. His parents fought all the time over his fathers drinking. Four children and every one of them is fucked up in some way. They all resent their mother staying with him and exposing them to things they should not have seen or heard.
The damage has been devastating and the effect on the children impacted on THEIR ability to parent.

But hey, stick around and have more babies. Delude yourself into thinking that he's a 'perfect' husband and father. Be complicit.

think its funny to play at it to be like daddy.
Or are making a joke of it because they don't know how else to cope.

The kids a had a massive tantrum with me when i had an energy drink before. Mistaking it for a beer can.

That's how much it's affecting your kids - they are terrified of seeing you get drunk too.
They know they need you to be an actual parent because dad isn't one, due to his addiction to alcohol.

Make no mistake OP - your children will hate you for staying more than they hate him for being a drunk. It's not fair, but it's how it is with the offspring of alkies.

Why the judgement and bitchy comments about a pregnancy that OP has advised is far along? Does it make you feel superior to judge a struggling Mother, who is just looking for support?

The OP implies that she grew up in a toxic environment, so to her it seems normal/ familiar even. Not everyone has a happy and perfect childhood against which they can compare their relationship against. Of course it’s obvious how wrong the situation is when you have never grown up with parents who are dysfunctional. But if you have grown up with a severely abusive Father, or step father, then a functioning alcoholic who is kind and loving to their children likely seems like. A great guy.

@youcanbetonHOLD has realised that this situation needs to stop and asked for support. It’s very difficult to walk away from someone who you love! I have watched this with my parents, with my alcoholic brother. Yes they realised that throwing him out was the only way to make him see sense, but they couldn’t face seeing their child homeless and living on the streets. I really can’t blame them either.

It sounds like your DH/P has no family to turn to should you throw him out/ leave him. It’s normal to feel a responsibility there- especially when you love him.

Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what you do, your partner will continue drinking himself into oblivion until he admits that he has a problem. At some point his body will have been pushed too far and he may find himself with cirrhosis/ pancreatitis or some other alcohol related illness. I have a friend who had two alcoholics for parents, she ended up in care around age 11 and both her Mother and Father were dead by the time she was 16/17. She found her Mother dead, she was only 13. The thing that hurts her most, is that her Mother and Father didn’t love her enough to sop drinking, they chose drink first.

Your partner has chosen drink before his relationship with you and before his three beautiful children and the little one you are carrying. Unfortunately your situation is only going to become more dysfunctional . I definitely recommend joking the al anon meetings for families and partners of alcoholics. They will help you get perspective on your situation and they will understand your fears and why you haven’t left yet.

In your shoes, I would look into the freedom program once you leave. To try to sop the toxic cycle repeating into your next relationship. Can I ask, is your partner verbally/ psychologically or emotionally abusive?

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever good post and a good dose of empathy. Some posters were/are sticking the boot in regarding the pregnancy.

I'm so sorry for your situation op and I certainly don't think you are a liar; frankly, I don't know where that came from. There are many people trapped in your position (& plenty of Mumsnetters not on £80k pa, more on benefits and breadline than that).

It's good that you plan to go to Womens Aid after Christmas at which point you will, with help, formulate a plan.

In the meantime, keep yourself and your children safe. Make it clear to your husband that you will not tolerate drinking or drunkenness in the house around the kids, if he is as nice as you say - which I don't doubt - he'll at least take that on board.

I would start with al anon. You need to get into the right headspace where you can realize that women’s aid may be your best path.

In a perfect world, you would kick him out today. It’s not though, so I would start with a plan. Start thinking about what kind of job you want to get. Look for online training or local courses if needed. Get that done while you are pregnant and caring for an infant. You need to get employed as soon as is feasible. You can’t rely on an alcoholic for financial stability.

You have great advice here. You mention the savings, the best use if that would be for you & the DC's escape fund.

Please start a new life together

I guess i expected him to go to the gp and the gp would lock him in rehab and he'd come out sober after a month or something.

It's not as simple as that. It wasn't for mil anyway.
My mother in law went to her GP about five five years ago after decades of drinking.

She had no money one weekend and couldn't drink and I'm not exaggerating when I say she was very very very poorly and just stopping like she did could have killed her.

I want to say she went to the doctors and was sent off to rehab and a month later was sober but it didn't work like that and the only people I've known her to rehab for addiction where I'm from have gone private. She had to wait six month or so for counselling, she went to aa for a while too and then just started drinking again. She's worse than ever still.

Mil didn't want to quit though and was only doing it to keep her adult kids off her back and because they were stopping her having the grandchildren alone as she ended up drinking while being in sole charge of them (which I'd be worried about your husband too, my mil always said she'd never drink when looking after kids, she lied and almost hurt them too)

I wouldn't even contemplate buying a house until he's at least been a year clean. My concern would be him getting worse and becoming non functioning and losing the home.

Your children when playing Mams and Dads are copying his drinking behaviour. They were upset when they thought you had alcohol. They are already affected by their fathers alcoholism. He's not a great dad and he's not a great husband. He really isn't.

You can't fix him and he doesn't want to fix himself.

Please leave. DH grew up in a household very similar to this. 40 years on, and it still has an daily impact on him and his three siblings. Oh, and both of his parents were dead before they turned 60.

OP, in my area there is a support group funded by the council called Holding Families. It works with families where one of the members (parent or child) has a substance abuse problem. We currently have them supporting 2 families in our school. One family accessed the support through self referral to social services, the other family wenreffered to social services as we were becoming increasingly more concerned about the welfare of the children.
Look on your council website and find out what their 'Local Offer' is. It will most likely have a similar support group.

She’s a shit husband and a shit father, stop kidding yourself. He causing your poverty. He’s a loser big time. Try and do something to get out, it will get worse.

Please get sterilised once you've had this baby. If you don't religiously use condoms, then you will continue to get pregnant.

Leaving him would be doable with 1 or 2 kids, but if you're a SAHM, then of course it's going to seem harder with each additional child.

You need to stop this cycle. It doesn't help anyone. Not a soul. Not you, not the alcoholic you're lumbered with, and certainly not the children you keep having. It's not fair on them. And you're making life harder and harder on yourself.

And think about the adult life you're setting your DC up for. Your sons will be feckless alchies, making future women's lives miserable. And your daughters will think this is all life has to offer. Barefoot, continually pregnant and shackled to an absolute loser.

It's not OK, and it's not normal.

I am in a similar situation although I am the breadwinner so it would be easier for me to leave. I also had a shite childhood which I think makes you accept the drinking as you think -well there are much worse things they could be doing. My daughter is now 14 she goes to bed later and has stared to notice and become upset by her dad's drinking. He wants to stop and is currently trying to. Our new rule is no wine and we're experimenting with herbal drinks. I can't advise you but I thought you'd got such little understanding on here I'd tell you you're not alone. It is very easy to say LTB but the reality is there is very little help out there. I'm not saying put up with it forever. Create a long term plan for escape incase nothing changes but in the meantime try to help him be a better man.

You can’t fix him and you won’t.

You can leave but you don’t want to. At least be honest with yourself.

I hope you can answer and take the weight of emotions when your kids ask you later on in life why you didn’t protect them from it all.

Just be prepared for 1 or all of your children to possibly become heavy drinkers to.

He wont stop, hes got it to easy.

Has anyone dealt with an alchoholic husband/ partner before

Yes. He's now an ex

How do you show them the light

You can't.
Last I heard,he's married again and still drinking. He always promised that once he learnt to drive,he'd stop drinking. (I helped him with driving lessons,got my old driving instructor to teach him,helped pay for his lessons.) Guess what,he carried on drinking - probably more than he did before.

Do i really need to leave him
Yes you do.

If i leave do you think he will sober up
I doubt it very much.

I grew up with a functioning alcoholic father who then went full on alcoholic when I was an adult. It damaged me, it affects my relationship with alcohol as I associate alcohol with fun, relaxing, something to de-stress you, something to do when bored etc etc. I have no stop button as I never saw my father ever stop at just one and it's been ingrained in me that you have more than one. My father belittled my mother who only drank tea...I'm sure she wanted to have the odd drink but she couldn't really as she had to make sure we were all safe. You know what that did thought, made me think non drinkers were boring and that those that don;t drink have issues.
Thankfully for me, I grew up but those things still stay with me as things that are ingrained in you as a child do unfortunately.

Leave him, this is really really bad for your children. I wished my mother had thrown my father out.

Your children are going to grow up resenting your enabling behaviour.

I had an alcoholic husband. He's now my ex.

Rehab is something he would need to be committed to doing, go to drop ins for months until a space comes up, then it's 6-18 months in rehab to really get sober.

Your belief that separating is the end of the works is so very wrong. Your current situation is going to screw the kids up big time. You have money saved - you can leave. Or he can - why should he stay in the house and you all leave?

Hi OP,

I wanted to answer from a different perspective.

I am the child of a functioning alcoholic, and my other parent is a non drinker.

As a child, I saw my dad put away 4,5,6 cans of beer a night. I used to run around the living room in the morning trying to pick them up and put them in the bin before my mum saw, as I knew it made her unhappy. As a 7 year old, I picked my father up off the floor of the bathroom as he fell asleep after drinking too much and didn't make it back to bed. I saw my mum stripping the sheets where he'd wet himself. I saw my dad harmless, never aggressive, but incoherently drunk. He was in charge of us while my mum worked and by the time I was 10 I knew I was not safe in his care due to his drinking. He continued to put away several cans of beer a night. He'd promise my mum sober spells, but sneakily drink rum and coke instead. Whatever he could find that wasn't as obvious as a beer can.

My sibling has now been hospitalised several times due to drinking too much alcohol on nights out, nights in, even just quiet nights at a friends. He has learnt from my dad, and they are following the same path. They cannot hold a job, they have bad health.

My dad has continuous and constant health problems, and still drinks. He can no longer eat normally, as it goes right through him, his stomach is wrecked.

I do not drink at all. I have panic attacks when I smell alcohol on my now partners breath, as it takes me back to childhood. I otherwise had a very lovely childhood, my mum did everything she could for me, it didn't stop the negative impact that living with an alcoholic father had.

I would encourage you to give up trying to change him. He is an alcoholic and will only stop drinking when HE decides to stop. It is not above loving you or your children less it is about addiction. But that does not stop the impact it is having on your children every night they see their father drink can after can, and while you can't change him, you can change the path your children go down by getting them out of there and showing them positive and healthy lifestyles. Please, please do this OP. I'd be better off if my mum had removed us from that situation.