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To just want people to accept that I want to spend Xmas day alone?

67 replies

Welshmaenad · 08/12/2019 20:31

Separated 3 years, this is the first year the children will spend the entire Xmas day at their dads. ExH and I do NOT get on, i don't want to divulge a lot of information but he and his GF have not made life easy for me. We have minimal to no communication, everything goes through the DC.

Several friends and family members have invited me for Xmas and have been absolutely fine with my polite refusal. I'm actually just looking forward to chilling alone, eating snacks and bingeing on box sets.

However Ex's GF has got it into her head that I should not be alone and has issued invites via DC1 and Ex for me to go for lunch at their home. This will not be happening. I would not feel safe and the atmosphere would be awful and I just want the kids to have a nice day there without tension. But she KEEPS going on at DC about it which is making them really upset about me being "all alone" and they're now anxious about it. I have explained to them repeatedly that I will be fine, I have refused the invite I don't know how many times and just keep being told to "think about it".

I can't communicate with them to ask them to stop any more firmly as it will just trigger nastiness which is WHY I DON'T WANT TO GO, AS IT HAPPENS.

Can it just be January already ffs?

OP posts:

Joopy · 08/12/2019 20:33

Tell them that you're going to a friend's house so they're not worried about you. It's nice that people care and you have options to not be alone, not everyone does.


flouncyfanny · 08/12/2019 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Welshmaenad · 08/12/2019 20:36

I can't tell them I'm going elsewhere as they will want to FaceTime me and talk to whoever is supposed to be entertaining me! Plus I don't like the idea of lying to them.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 08/12/2019 20:37

Agree, tell a white lie and that you have already made plans, if they persist tell them that that you are volunteering at an old folks lunch but didn’t want to make an issue of it.

I am spending Christmas without my family, for various reasons, I am extremely happy about my decision but other people seem to find it hard to accept.


Spied · 08/12/2019 20:38

Agree with pp
Definitely tell them you are going to a friends. Tell the gf aswell.
It will ruin kids' Xmas if they are going to be worried about you. (And it seems the definitely are.)


Ragwort · 08/12/2019 20:39

How old are your children? That will make a difference about what you can tell them.


LizzieSiddal · 08/12/2019 20:40

I wouldn’t lie.

How old are the dc?


Welshmaenad · 08/12/2019 20:41

Both over ten. Whilst I'd love to volunteer this is impossible due to my health and they know that.

OP posts:

Littleshortcake · 08/12/2019 20:42

I know you don't want to live to them but I would tell a little white one this time that you are going for a walk for a while with xyz or church with xyz or whatever you usually do. Then lose signal and FaceTime them later when at home. I think I am a bit like you and like peace and no fuss so I get why you prefer to be at home (tv all to yourself and home comforts).


T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 08/12/2019 20:43

Put it in writing and post it to the well meaning wanker. Also tell her that constantly putting pressure on the children is upsetting them, so please stop.


roiseandjim · 08/12/2019 20:45

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily why is she a wanker? Bit harsh considering she invited the OP over even though they don't get on


DeathStare · 08/12/2019 20:47

Tell them you have a friend coming to you. Then Facetime the kids in the morning and tell them your friend is arriving for lunch. Get one of your supportive friends to cover for you. Even if they Facetime you again later, you can just quickly brush them off saying friend is on another call to their family, friend is walking the dog, etc. and you will still be where they expect you to be.

You shouldn't have to concoct a whole story. They should accept your "Thanks but no thanks". But if it's better for your wellbeing to concoct a story don't feel guilty about it.


Redwinestillfine · 08/12/2019 20:48

Tell your kids the truth, decline the invitation with a vague ' I have plans' no need to expand and true, your plans are a nice quiet Christmas!


LizzieSiddal · 08/12/2019 20:49

I too think your only option is to communicate with the ex’s partner. I’d text her and thank her for inviting you, tell her how kind she is, but say you really want to stay at home and you are looking forward to it. (Could you say a friend may drop in?) tell her the dc are getting worried about you being alone so could she and Ex please reassure them that you will be ok?

You’ll then have her inside and she should stop asking the dc.


Snowpatrolling · 08/12/2019 20:57

I’d say going to a friends then face time them on the evening when your ‘back home’
I know what you mean tho, I’m working Xmas morning then nipping to my friends for lunch but to be honest, I was looking foward to slobbish in my pjs when I got home with my cheese and crackers! When people realise I’m on my own they proceed in telling me what a miserable Christmas I’m gonna have! Umm nope! In control of the tv, heating on and binging on junk food! My idea of heaven!!!


DeathStare · 08/12/2019 20:59

I too think your only option is to communicate with the ex’s partner. I’d text her and thank her for inviting you, tell her how kind she is, but say you really want to stay at home and you are looking forward to it. (Could you say a friend may drop in?) tell her the dc are getting worried about you being alone so could she and Ex please reassure them that you will be ok?

If you don't want to risk opening up ongoing channels of communication with her, then send her a thank you card and deliver it through the children rather than a text. Much more difficult for her to decide she will casually keep that type of communication up!


SolitaryGrape · 08/12/2019 21:00

Your children are old enough for you to tell them the honest truth, that you’re delighted at the idea of a peaceful solitary day to relax, and that other people’s issues with that are not your problem.


TheReef · 08/12/2019 21:01

Lie.... I've had xmas day a few times on my own but people can't cope with it. I just tell everyone I'm spending the day with my Dad, and I tell my Dad I'm spending it somewhere less


BusyBusyBea · 08/12/2019 21:03

Is this an olive branch? I can’t see why she would be so insistent that you’re not alone otherwise.


Isaididont · 08/12/2019 21:06

I agree with the suggestion of being honest with your kids - just go into detail about how much you’re looking forward to relaxing on your own and doing all the lovely things you usually don’t have time for, and how being alone isn’t the same as being lonely. Tell them you’ve had invites to places etc but you’ve turned them down as you’re so looking forward to a day on your own. Ask them outright if they’re worried about you and explain to them that you’re choosing this, you really want to spend the day by yourself.
It’s healthy too to model to kids that you enjoy your own company


ohgetyou · 08/12/2019 21:07

So what if they face time you? By the time they do that you have achieved your aims just make sure you have had a drink so you can't drive over.


IHaveBrilloHair · 08/12/2019 21:07

If they're over ten, they're old enough to know, and accept that you'll be fine on your own.
This I my second year on my own, I've had plenty of invitations, but politely said no as Im perfectly ok by myself.


Lightkeeper · 08/12/2019 21:08

Christmas is one of that time of year when people think you shouldn't be alone. But frankly, I'd really enjoy some alone time and just being a couch potato. We are keeping friends/family time to a minimum and have plans to binge on cheesy Netflix Christmas movies... well, not OH... but I do and he just has to roll with it (i.e. have a lot of wine and sit on the sofa, after which the movies seem a lot more amusing to him than they are to me)!


Dutch1e · 08/12/2019 21:10

As your children are 10+ they should be fine with the truth.. you've turned down other invitations because you never get a day to yourself to do nothing. Feel free to poke some gentle fun at Ex's partner for being so earnest about it, it's a bit odd.


BusyBusyBea · 08/12/2019 21:12

Feel free to poke some gentle fun at Ex's partner for being so earnest about it, it's a bit odd

How unpleasant. It’s not odd at all. It sounds to me like she’s making the effort because the kids are important to her and the OP is their mother. It sounds like it’s coming from a good place.

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