To just want people to accept that I want to spend Xmas day alone?

[Welshmaenad]

Separated 3 years, this is the first year the children will spend the entire Xmas day at their dads. ExH and I do NOT get on, i don't want to divulge a lot of information but he and his GF have not made life easy for me. We have minimal to no communication, everything goes through the DC.

Several friends and family members have invited me for Xmas and have been absolutely fine with my polite refusal. I'm actually just looking forward to chilling alone, eating snacks and bingeing on box sets.

However Ex's GF has got it into her head that I should not be alone and has issued invites via DC1 and Ex for me to go for lunch at their home. This will not be happening. I would not feel safe and the atmosphere would be awful and I just want the kids to have a nice day there without tension. But she KEEPS going on at DC about it which is making them really upset about me being "all alone" and they're now anxious about it. I have explained to them repeatedly that I will be fine, I have refused the invite I don't know how many times and just keep being told to "think about it".

I can't communicate with them to ask them to stop any more firmly as it will just trigger nastiness which is WHY I DON'T WANT TO GO, AS IT HAPPENS.

Can it just be January already ffs?

[Bluerussian]

I like the idea of Christmas day on my own too, pleasing myself, no one bothering me. It's true others feel you 'shouldn't' be on your own but that's nonsense, many people long for and enjoy their own company.

Politely decline but show you appreciate the offer. Tell your children what you intend to do and eat on the day, also that you'll probably have a good long nap during the day so they aren't to worry if you don't respond to face time.

[Vanhi]

Bit harsh considering she invited the OP over even though they don't get on

Well the OP doesn't want to go and has said she's fine on her own. The GF is pressing so hard for this she's upsetting the kids. So at best she's making this about what she wants rather than what the OP wants, and upsetting the DC in the process. At worst there's something rather more manipulative going on.

[Dutch1e]

BusyBusyBea it's not that unpleasant to want to put your kids' mind at ease and help them fend off what sounds like badgering.

[redcarbluecar]

Just tell everyone the truth - perhaps once more and then no further acknowledgment of invitee. It’s a perfectly rational decision.

[lifecouldbeadream]

I do wonder whether you used the word ‘fine’.... I’ll be fine on my own, says something completely different to ...

I’m positively looking forward to some time to myself.

If you said you’ll be fine, has DC taken it to mean that you’ll be sad but you’ll manage...... rather than wooohooooooooo I can eat all the chocolates and stay in my PJs and I don’t have to be nice to anyone else

[WorraLiberty]

Tell the kids you're having a friend over and leave it at that.

If they face time, tell them she's popped out or hasn't arrived yet.

It doesn't have to be a big deal.

[DartmoorChef]

I was going to say exactly the same as Worra. That way you can facetime and no questions.

[Butterisbest]

All those saying it's nice of the gf to invite the op, haven't any of you read the opening post, He and his girlfriend haven't made life easy for me
Ffs, why should the op be manipulated into communicating or contacting the girlfriend at all. Sometimes olive branches need to be pushed back into the wankers eye.
Op, if I were you I'd be as truthful as you can be with your children, maybe tell them it's nice to be invited but you'll be really happy on your own. Just keep reiterating that you'll have a good time and will look forward to seeing them later
I hope you have a very peaceful Christmas

[plumbabe]

I’m with you OP. I’d have no issue spending the day on my own. I’d stay in PJs, stick the fire on, open a huge box of chocs, eat macaroni cheese and garlic bread for lunch....tv binge. I’d probably pay for sky movies and have a movie binge day...enjoy your alone day. You could do a pamper kit for yourself. Face mask etc. Sounds fab!

[Pierrettelasanguinaire]

Sometimes olive branches need to be pushed back into the wankers eye

Excellent expression (and sentiment). May I borrow it, please?

Oh, and OP: your children are old enough to be told to drop the subject or else.

[ivykaty44]

Stop with the lies, OP doesn’t wNt to lie

Explain to your D.C. that the reason you aren’t concerned about being along for Xmas is that’s you’ll be looking forward to celebrating with them when they get back - so for you it’s a bit like Xmas eve and your going to binge watch tv in your pjs and really looking forward to it

[AG29]

To be honest your planned Christmas sounds great. I would love a whole day to myself eating what the hell I want and binging On TV. I do think Christmas Day itself is stressful and tbh I dislike the day but I love the build up to Christmas. For me this is the best part right now.

It’s absolutely normal to not want to spend the day with your ex husband and his new woman.

Tell them you have other plans.

[DesMartinsPetCat]

Take the GF aside with a whispered “thanks so much for the invite. Look, I don’t want to appear rude but I’m having a few... ahem... friends over that day. It’s been ages since we’ve all been able to get together for some, eh, grown-up fun so I’m not really publicising the fact. So let’s just pretend I’m alone for the day and that’ll save me a lot of explaining to the kids. Enjoy your stuffing!”

[Leflic]

Ha - love the idea of “grown up fun”. Agree there’s no need to lie to the kids. Tell them you’ve had lots of invites from friends but what you really want us a cosy day on your own followed by them back later on.

[Butterisbest]

@Pierrettelasanguinaire
Yes please do use that again, I was being a bit polite, in real life I would have said into the fuckers eye.

[GabsAlot]

You dont get on but shes insisting you come round hmm

Why cant people accept xmas can be spent alone some people even want to

I'll be alone most of the day dh on night shifts and im taking him into work and back family too far to go in between

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

I would be horribly tempted to reply "if you are already looking for someone to act as a buffer between you and ExH over Christmas then you have my pity, but that is not a role I will ever take."

But you shouldn't say that.

[LotteLupin]

Look - let's list the priorities, in order of importance.

1. You want your children (who have had to cope with their parents splitting up) to have a nice Xmas. A good, happy Xmas.

1. You yourself need to feel happy and OK about Xmas day.

That's it. (there are no other considerations)

So how do you achieve (1)?
Saying you're going to sit alone at home with no dinner watching box sets is NOT working. The kids aren't buying it. So much so that they're really upset, and the GF has stepped in to do the 'magnaminous' thing and get you wheeled over to theirs. This is the LAST thing you should be doing, so forget it.

The ONLY way to make sure the kids have a nice relaxed Xmas and don't worry about you is to ACCEPT one of the other invitations. You actually must have a plan for Xmas. You can't let this become the awful Xmas where Mummy sat at home crying (I know you don't think you'll be crying, but the kids will be when they think of you there alone).

For the kids' sake, you have to have an Xmas. You have to go to dinner at one of these friends' houses who've invited you. Choose the best one, accept, and tell the kids. Then you get the GF off your back as well. You must have a plan for Xmas. Your own plan. It's not fair on the kids not to. You don't have the option of lying at home watching box sets and eating too many After Eight mints, all on your own.

Dare I ask - are there any parents around?

I'm sorry to sound a bit forceful, and I totally sympathise : ( BUT don't ruin the kids' Xmas. Come up with a reasonable plan. And even if you don't like it, you'll be able to think of the kids being happy.

And maybe ........ you'll have a nice time yourself.

[Zacjosh]

You could say you’re working/ volunteering at a homeless charity for the day,
I’ve volunteered to work all over Christmas nights so I can avoid my family for the whole Christmas period

[Thelnebriati]

Explain to your kids that they should listen to what you say about what you want and how you feel. Not other people.

[Notodontidae]

An adult has the right to spend Christmas however they want to, far too many adults are bullied into doing things they dont want to do. you never know you might walk to your local pub and meet someone interesting, or just enjoy a glass of sherry in a onesey & duvet watching love-actually on a DVD. Tell them to take a hike, it's your life.

[pallasathena]

I'd just tell the truth. Tell anyone invested in what you plan to do that you want a chill day at home, on your own and its not up for discussion.

[ReanimatedSGB]

This woman isn't being nice - this is another attempt by your XP to control and bully you, isn't it? He wants you there on Christmas day so he can rub your nose in the fact that he is In A Relationship and you are Single. He's enrolled his GF as his flying monkey and they are using your poor DC to add more pressure.
Tell your DC gently but firmly that you will be fine, and make plans with them for a second 'Christmas' - nice lunch or a treat - on one of the days close to December 25th. And send the GF a message or text or however you communicate saying 'As I have said, I am happy to spend Christmas alone, and I will not discuss the matter any further.'

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I think if they're over ten then don't lie to them, if they facetime you they'll be able to work you out pretty quickly!!

What I would do, is sit down with the kids, and tell them you're really looking forward to your day on your own!! Tell them you're going to have a nice hot bath/shower put your PJ's on and spend the whole day snuggled on your sofa eating your fave foods and watching your fave TV (or anything else they know you love doing) and that you can't wait to spend boxing day (or whenever they're back) with them, and that you want them to have a lovely day with their dad!! Tell them you're really looking forward to your day, they just care about you which is lovely

[Sometimedaisy]

I suspect a lot of people have similar feelings and are conflicted at Christmas time. I too would prefer to spend Christmas alone and may well do simply to avoid all the stress associated with dysfunctional family life.