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AIBU?

To just want people to accept that I want to spend Xmas day alone?

67 replies

Welshmaenad · 08/12/2019 20:31

Separated 3 years, this is the first year the children will spend the entire Xmas day at their dads. ExH and I do NOT get on, i don't want to divulge a lot of information but he and his GF have not made life easy for me. We have minimal to no communication, everything goes through the DC.

Several friends and family members have invited me for Xmas and have been absolutely fine with my polite refusal. I'm actually just looking forward to chilling alone, eating snacks and bingeing on box sets.

However Ex's GF has got it into her head that I should not be alone and has issued invites via DC1 and Ex for me to go for lunch at their home. This will not be happening. I would not feel safe and the atmosphere would be awful and I just want the kids to have a nice day there without tension. But she KEEPS going on at DC about it which is making them really upset about me being "all alone" and they're now anxious about it. I have explained to them repeatedly that I will be fine, I have refused the invite I don't know how many times and just keep being told to "think about it".

I can't communicate with them to ask them to stop any more firmly as it will just trigger nastiness which is WHY I DON'T WANT TO GO, AS IT HAPPENS.

Can it just be January already ffs?

OP posts:

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T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 08/12/2019 22:53

why is she a wanker? Bit harsh considering she invited the OP over even though they don't get on

Because she won’t take no for an answer and is repeatedly using the children to put pressure on the OP. It’s patronising and possibly just being used as a dog at the OP, because, as you say, they don’t get in.

Besidesthepoint · 08/12/2019 22:54

Can't you tell her that" don't tell the kids but I might have a date dropping by..."

messolini9 · 08/12/2019 22:55

For the kids' sake, you have to have an Xmas

OP IS having an Xmas.
She is planning a solo day, this is what she wants, & she does not need to apologise for it, explain it, or lie about it.

I cannot see how it is going to "upset" her children for their mother to be enjoying a lovely quiet day to herself.
There is clearly something odd/manipulative going on with the incessant summons to attend her ex's & g/f's house, as they have form for being nasty & at least one of them is aware that she would not even feel safe there.

Fucksake with all the advice to lie.
Can a grown woman not choose her own entertainment for one day without other people mithering at her when she has already made it plain she is happy with her own plan?

Cryalot2 · 08/12/2019 22:57

Thank them , realise that the kids may well be worried about you being alone and have said something. Send a polite note thanking and say you are going to enjoy doing ( whatever)
Do think what you could do enjoyable and tell the kids how you are looking forward to this .
People care about you and thats why they are reaching out ..
Enjoy your day.

Pixxie7 · 08/12/2019 23:02

Stick to your guns, have a loverly day and tell the kids the truth you don’t know when your chance again.

messolini9 · 08/12/2019 23:02

You can't let this become the awful Xmas where Mummy sat at home crying (I know you don't think you'll be crying, but the kids will be when they think of you there alone)

Gordon Bennett where is all this hyperbole coming from?

The kids will be fine, because mum is fine.
This is a great object lesson for them in adult autonomy.
They also get to witness their mum politely refusing to be socially pressured into putting up with something she does not wish to do.
Great role modelling all round.

lau888 · 08/12/2019 23:05

Make a plan with one of your nearest friends - one that your kids like and trust. Tell your ex's girlfriend and the children that you will be visiting that friend on Xmas Day. Visit the friend very briefly (20 minutes is enough for this plan) and take a selfie with the friend in their house in case your ex tells the kids you didn't go. (The photo is for the kids only - in front of your friend's Xmas tree would be nice.) Enjoy the bulk of Xmas Day doing your own thing.

Super inconvenient but seems to be the easiest way to reassure ex's girlfriend and the children.

Lockshunkugel · 08/12/2019 23:06

You’ve mentioned that you have health issues, so you could say to your kids ‘I’m going to have a good rest on Christmas Day which is better for my health. I’m exhausted at this time of year and a day of doing nothing is just what I need’.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 08/12/2019 23:14

I think saying you are having a good rest or vague plans

What a difficult situation she really should not be interfering and insisting you do what makes her feel better this isn’t about you

I’m working on Christmas Day ds will be with his dad and I feel under pressure to spend it with others so opted to work - it’s all very nice but I am fine on my own I was looking forward to having some time on my own doing absolutely nothing and seeing no one that apparently makes other people sad

Mermaidtissues · 08/12/2019 23:15

The op can pretend to go anywhere.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 08/12/2019 23:23

I wonder if the GF actually wants the children to come over for Christmas at all? Maybe she knows rightly the OP wouldn’t dream of going to the ex’s house and is hoping that the kids start saying they don’t want to visit on Christmas Day, because their mum will be alone. She can’t say to the father that’s how she feels, but she can manipulate the kids into refusing to go.

Emeraldshamrock · 08/12/2019 23:29

OP it sounds like bliss as long as it wasn't every year.
Tell the DC a white lie it won't hurt them they'll be happier for it.
Enjoy fancy food a long soak some tv and toast yourself for being wonderful and independent.

Emeraldshamrock · 08/12/2019 23:29

I think she's jealous.

Creepster · 08/12/2019 23:30

This is an excellent opportunity to teach your children that people who refuse to take no for an answer are not safe to be around.

Too harsh?
Explain to the children that refusing to take no for an answer is inappropriate behavior for adults as well as children.

ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 08/12/2019 23:44

I’ve done Christmas Day on my own and I love it. Lovely food, lovely wine, some good books and the tv. It’s great. But I’ve always pretended to friends and family that I’m actually at someone else's house. Otherwise they worry about me.

My mum also prefers to spend the day on her own. I drop in a goody bag of turkey, Xmas pud and snacks the day before and then I leave her to it.

Welshmaenad · 09/12/2019 00:03

No, no parents around, they're both dead. Which is why I really don't want to be on the outskirts of another family's happy Christmas, to be honest.

I think that focusing on my health and saying I need a nice rest with no driving is the way to go - I'll have another chat with them tomorrow and stress this. I have a few medical procedures in the next few weeks so it's not untrue - I'm very much looking forward to napping!

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 09/12/2019 00:14

Tell them you'll Skype them in the evening.
I think they'll understand some rest and tlc will be refreshing.
It sounds like you have been put through the mill by your ex, now his GF is guilty tripping your DC. Tell her to kindly fuck off MHOB you can manage your own life. It seems like you have had to lately.
Reassure the DC it is a treat for you.

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