To just want people to accept that I want to spend Xmas day alone?

[Welshmaenad]

Separated 3 years, this is the first year the children will spend the entire Xmas day at their dads. ExH and I do NOT get on, i don't want to divulge a lot of information but he and his GF have not made life easy for me. We have minimal to no communication, everything goes through the DC.

Several friends and family members have invited me for Xmas and have been absolutely fine with my polite refusal. I'm actually just looking forward to chilling alone, eating snacks and bingeing on box sets.

However Ex's GF has got it into her head that I should not be alone and has issued invites via DC1 and Ex for me to go for lunch at their home. This will not be happening. I would not feel safe and the atmosphere would be awful and I just want the kids to have a nice day there without tension. But she KEEPS going on at DC about it which is making them really upset about me being "all alone" and they're now anxious about it. I have explained to them repeatedly that I will be fine, I have refused the invite I don't know how many times and just keep being told to "think about it".

I can't communicate with them to ask them to stop any more firmly as it will just trigger nastiness which is WHY I DON'T WANT TO GO, AS IT HAPPENS.

Can it just be January already ffs?

[Emeraldshamrock]

Tell them you'll Skype them in the evening.
I think they'll understand some rest and tlc will be refreshing.
It sounds like you have been put through the mill by your ex, now his GF is guilty tripping your DC. Tell her to kindly fuck off MHOB you can manage your own life. It seems like you have had to lately.
Reassure the DC it is a treat for you.

[Welshmaenad]

No, no parents around, they're both dead. Which is why I really don't want to be on the outskirts of another family's happy Christmas, to be honest.

I think that focusing on my health and saying I need a nice rest with no driving is the way to go - I'll have another chat with them tomorrow and stress this. I have a few medical procedures in the next few weeks so it's not untrue - I'm very much looking forward to napping!

[ThinkIamflyingundertheradar]

I’ve done Christmas Day on my own and I love it. Lovely food, lovely wine, some good books and the tv. It’s great. But I’ve always pretended to friends and family that I’m actually at someone else's house. Otherwise they worry about me.

My mum also prefers to spend the day on her own. I drop in a goody bag of turkey, Xmas pud and snacks the day before and then I leave her to it.

[Creepster]

This is an excellent opportunity to teach your children that people who refuse to take no for an answer are not safe to be around.

Too harsh?
Explain to the children that refusing to take no for an answer is inappropriate behavior for adults as well as children.

[Emeraldshamrock]

I think she's jealous.

[Emeraldshamrock]

OP it sounds like bliss as long as it wasn't every year.
Tell the DC a white lie it won't hurt them they'll be happier for it.
Enjoy fancy food a long soak some tv and toast yourself for being wonderful and independent.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

I wonder if the GF actually wants the children to come over for Christmas at all? Maybe she knows rightly the OP wouldn’t dream of going to the ex’s house and is hoping that the kids start saying they don’t want to visit on Christmas Day, because their mum will be alone. She can’t say to the father that’s how she feels, but she can manipulate the kids into refusing to go.

[Mermaidtissues]

The op can pretend to go anywhere.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

I think saying you are having a good rest or vague plans

What a difficult situation she really should not be interfering and insisting you do what makes her feel better this isn’t about you

I’m working on Christmas Day ds will be with his dad and I feel under pressure to spend it with others so opted to work - it’s all very nice but I am fine on my own I was looking forward to having some time on my own doing absolutely nothing and seeing no one that apparently makes other people sad

[Lockshunkugel]

You’ve mentioned that you have health issues, so you could say to your kids ‘I’m going to have a good rest on Christmas Day which is better for my health. I’m exhausted at this time of year and a day of doing nothing is just what I need’.

[lau888]

Make a plan with one of your nearest friends - one that your kids like and trust. Tell your ex's girlfriend and the children that you will be visiting that friend on Xmas Day. Visit the friend very briefly (20 minutes is enough for this plan) and take a selfie with the friend in their house in case your ex tells the kids you didn't go. (The photo is for the kids only - in front of your friend's Xmas tree would be nice.) Enjoy the bulk of Xmas Day doing your own thing.

Super inconvenient but seems to be the easiest way to reassure ex's girlfriend and the children.

[messolini9]

You can't let this become the awful Xmas where Mummy sat at home crying (I know you don't think you'll be crying, but the kids will be when they think of you there alone)

Gordon Bennett where is all this hyperbole coming from?

The kids will be fine, because mum is fine.
This is a great object lesson for them in adult autonomy.
They also get to witness their mum politely refusing to be socially pressured into putting up with something she does not wish to do.
Great role modelling all round.

[Pixxie7]

Stick to your guns, have a loverly day and tell the kids the truth you don’t know when your chance again.

[Cryalot2]

Thank them , realise that the kids may well be worried about you being alone and have said something. Send a polite note thanking and say you are going to enjoy doing ( whatever)
Do think what you could do enjoyable and tell the kids how you are looking forward to this .
People care about you and thats why they are reaching out ..
Enjoy your day.

[messolini9]

For the kids' sake, you have to have an Xmas

OP IS having an Xmas.
She is planning a solo day, this is what she wants, & she does not need to apologise for it, explain it, or lie about it.

I cannot see how it is going to "upset" her children for their mother to be enjoying a lovely quiet day to herself.
There is clearly something odd/manipulative going on with the incessant summons to attend her ex's & g/f's house, as they have form for being nasty & at least one of them is aware that she would not even feel safe there.

Fucksake with all the advice to lie.
Can a grown woman not choose her own entertainment for one day without other people mithering at her when she has already made it plain she is happy with her own plan?

[Besidesthepoint]

Can't you tell her that" don't tell the kids but I might have a date dropping by..."

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

why is she a wanker? Bit harsh considering she invited the OP over even though they don't get on

Because she won’t take no for an answer and is repeatedly using the children to put pressure on the OP. It’s patronising and possibly just being used as a dog at the OP, because, as you say, they don’t get in.

[Sometimedaisy]

I suspect a lot of people have similar feelings and are conflicted at Christmas time. I too would prefer to spend Christmas alone and may well do simply to avoid all the stress associated with dysfunctional family life.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I think if they're over ten then don't lie to them, if they facetime you they'll be able to work you out pretty quickly!!

What I would do, is sit down with the kids, and tell them you're really looking forward to your day on your own!! Tell them you're going to have a nice hot bath/shower put your PJ's on and spend the whole day snuggled on your sofa eating your fave foods and watching your fave TV (or anything else they know you love doing) and that you can't wait to spend boxing day (or whenever they're back) with them, and that you want them to have a lovely day with their dad!! Tell them you're really looking forward to your day, they just care about you which is lovely

[ReanimatedSGB]

This woman isn't being nice - this is another attempt by your XP to control and bully you, isn't it? He wants you there on Christmas day so he can rub your nose in the fact that he is In A Relationship and you are Single. He's enrolled his GF as his flying monkey and they are using your poor DC to add more pressure.
Tell your DC gently but firmly that you will be fine, and make plans with them for a second 'Christmas' - nice lunch or a treat - on one of the days close to December 25th. And send the GF a message or text or however you communicate saying 'As I have said, I am happy to spend Christmas alone, and I will not discuss the matter any further.'

[pallasathena]

I'd just tell the truth. Tell anyone invested in what you plan to do that you want a chill day at home, on your own and its not up for discussion.

[Notodontidae]

An adult has the right to spend Christmas however they want to, far too many adults are bullied into doing things they dont want to do. you never know you might walk to your local pub and meet someone interesting, or just enjoy a glass of sherry in a onesey & duvet watching love-actually on a DVD. Tell them to take a hike, it's your life.

[Thelnebriati]

Explain to your kids that they should listen to what you say about what you want and how you feel. Not other people.

[Zacjosh]

You could say you’re working/ volunteering at a homeless charity for the day,
I’ve volunteered to work all over Christmas nights so I can avoid my family for the whole Christmas period

[LotteLupin]

Look - let's list the priorities, in order of importance.

1. You want your children (who have had to cope with their parents splitting up) to have a nice Xmas. A good, happy Xmas.

1. You yourself need to feel happy and OK about Xmas day.

That's it. (there are no other considerations)

So how do you achieve (1)?
Saying you're going to sit alone at home with no dinner watching box sets is NOT working. The kids aren't buying it. So much so that they're really upset, and the GF has stepped in to do the 'magnaminous' thing and get you wheeled over to theirs. This is the LAST thing you should be doing, so forget it.

The ONLY way to make sure the kids have a nice relaxed Xmas and don't worry about you is to ACCEPT one of the other invitations. You actually must have a plan for Xmas. You can't let this become the awful Xmas where Mummy sat at home crying (I know you don't think you'll be crying, but the kids will be when they think of you there alone).

For the kids' sake, you have to have an Xmas. You have to go to dinner at one of these friends' houses who've invited you. Choose the best one, accept, and tell the kids. Then you get the GF off your back as well. You must have a plan for Xmas. Your own plan. It's not fair on the kids not to. You don't have the option of lying at home watching box sets and eating too many After Eight mints, all on your own.

Dare I ask - are there any parents around?

I'm sorry to sound a bit forceful, and I totally sympathise : ( BUT don't ruin the kids' Xmas. Come up with a reasonable plan. And even if you don't like it, you'll be able to think of the kids being happy.

And maybe ........ you'll have a nice time yourself.