To despise myself?

[ComeOnn]

I’ve been a terrible person and I really don’t deserve the title of “mum”.

On a handful of occassions, I have had friends over once my kids were in bed and have ended up pretty drunk. I would say around 4 or 5 times in around 7 years.

Also, I attended a wedding abroad and consumed quite a bit of alcohol at it whilst my DC aged 5 was in my care. There was a swimming pool at the venue and I just know I didn’t watch DD as carefully as I should have. All of my extended family were there and I think I just let my guard down and got carried away.

All of these occassions are over a year ago and are something I will never allow to happen again but I just feel like such a disposable person and terrible parent. I love my kids so much and I know that, excluding these occasions, I’ve been a very attentive parent. I just don’t deserve the family I have and my DC certainly don’t deserve a parent like me. I just feel as though I have failed them and won’t ever be able to forgive myself for the damage that could have been done by my irresponsibility. My kids deserve more!

You don't mention a partner, OP, are you a single parent? I don't think you sound irresponsible, far from it. Maybe nobody is supporting YOU much?

op you know your nota drunk.if that is infact how much your drinking.your now jumping on(or you depression is) anything more to make you feel like shit.
this is what depression does.and lack of self woth.it will take stubbing your toe as you being a shit face.
but your not.this is ill health doing this.and you need help with that.
what would you say to a friend who had done the same.would they be a terrible parent?
deep down do you really think of anything of the things you mentioned makes you bad.or do you think your a bad person theroefre all the thing are bad because they were done by you.
there is so much more surrounding being a parent.god they can do stupid things.but its the rest of it.the rest of how you live with them and act with them and love them that matters.
being like this though.you catastrophicing everything.and that will elad to mistakes and you lacking the energy or time to be with them for the important bits.

How are you OP?

I just feel like there is no way back

From what? Nothing that you describe makes you anything other than a normal human being.

I hope the counselling works for you. This level of upset is not normal.