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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To despise myself?

54 replies

ComeOnn · 08/12/2019 16:04

I’ve been a terrible person and I really don’t deserve the title of “mum”.

On a handful of occassions, I have had friends over once my kids were in bed and have ended up pretty drunk. I would say around 4 or 5 times in around 7 years.

Also, I attended a wedding abroad and consumed quite a bit of alcohol at it whilst my DC aged 5 was in my care. There was a swimming pool at the venue and I just know I didn’t watch DD as carefully as I should have. All of my extended family were there and I think I just let my guard down and got carried away.

All of these occassions are over a year ago and are something I will never allow to happen again but I just feel like such a disposable person and terrible parent. I love my kids so much and I know that, excluding these occasions, I’ve been a very attentive parent. I just don’t deserve the family I have and my DC certainly don’t deserve a parent like me. I just feel as though I have failed them and won’t ever be able to forgive myself for the damage that could have been done by my irresponsibility. My kids deserve more!

OP posts:
BlackSwan · 08/12/2019 17:00

I think you have a serious problem with alcohol and you know it. You need to get help so that you stop drinking. I have a friend who is an alcoholic, and its devastating for the children.

Original poster
ComeOnn · 08/12/2019 17:03

I drink a handful of times a year so I wouldn't have thought I’m an alcoholic? Normally maybe a couple of glasses.

OP posts:
BlackSwan · 08/12/2019 17:08

Well it's great that you don't drink all the time - but if you get drunk when you drink, that is a problem. And if you don't feel minded to stay sober when you're taking care of children...
If you don't think you have a problem with alcohol, what exactly is the reason for your post?

Stokey1412 · 08/12/2019 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ComeOnn · 08/12/2019 17:19

I’ve posted on here because I feel like a horrible human being for not being the mum my children deserve. Maybe you’re right and I do have an alcohol problem? I just didn’t think getting drunk a handful of times in a 7 year period would be classed as that. Also, I very rarely drink and can’t hold drink well for that reason. It hits me very quickly. I have no reason to lie to you or to myself. I hate myself just now so have no reason to try to make myself sound like a better person than I am.

OP posts:
MinervaSaidThat · 08/12/2019 17:20

I just don’t deserve the family I have and my DC certainly don’t deserve a parent like me. I just feel as though I have failed them and won’t ever be able to forgive myself for the damage that could have been done by my irresponsibility. My kids deserve more!

But you have no intention of giving up the booze, I bet?

ladyflower23 · 08/12/2019 17:28

OP it sounds as though your depression is making you fixate on these occasions. If you have only drank alcohol on a handful of occasions then you do not have a drinking problem. Anyone can misjudge, have one too many and tip over the edge. You could give up drinking but most parents have a bottle of wine on the weekend when the kids have gone to bed and is not perceived as a reckless thing to do. I think you would be better off looking at dealing with your depression and then I think you would not feel this way about yourself.

IfWishesWereFishes · 08/12/2019 17:29

Sounds to me like someone is getting the wrong end of the stick. Someone getting drunk a handful of times over the years isn't an alcoholic Confused

KaptainKaveman · 08/12/2019 17:30

Whoever is accusing you of being an alcoholic? rubbish!

You've got drunk less than once a year - hardly the crime of the century. There are many people, on this board as well I should think, who drink a few glasses of wine every single night - I'd say they are the ones with an alcohol issue.

Stop worrying.

Asterisktheknackered · 08/12/2019 17:30

Wtf.... These answers Confused. I think your dealing with anxiety here, nothing your describing is too bad.

Aridane · 08/12/2019 17:31

But most people don't stay sober until the day their kids move out. What you're describing is utterly normal

Save on Mumsnet when one parent must a,ways be stone cold sober in the event anDC needs driving to hospital

Nearlytherenow123 · 08/12/2019 17:31

Honestly? Who hasn't had a drink once the kids are in bed? Some days just call for a glass of wine once they're tucked up. Allow yourself a night off every now and again. Don't beat yourself up about this.
Unless you're rotten every night of the week and unable to care for the kids, then I don't see a problem.
Know your limits, I always consider 'what if there was an emergency' when I have the kids.

VeniVidiVoxi · 08/12/2019 17:32

You can't change the past. If it makes you feel so terrible the best action you can take is not drinking, which shouldn't be too hard if you don't drink often anyway. Find other social coping mechanisms if you need to. Look forwards, not back!

Aridane · 08/12/2019 17:33

I think you have a serious problem with alcohol and you know it. You need to get help so that you stop drinking. I have a friend who is an alcoholic, and its devastating for the children

What a spectacularly unhelpful thing to say to an OP with severe anxiety / catastrophising, on anti depressants and waiting for some (much needed) Counselling

lazylinguist · 08/12/2019 17:36

This is your depression talking, OP. You are fixating upon a few examples of non-perfect parenting which have done your children no harm whatsoever. Lots of people drink alcohol in front of their children on a regular basis. It's a pretty normal thing to do.

You're clearly not an alcoholic if you drink so rarely, but it sounds like you have a problematic relationship with it if you can't tolerate alcohol well and you feel so guilty about drinking. Plus it's a depressant. So it would probably be a good idea to give it up.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 08/12/2019 17:46

Dont beat yourself up! The swimming pool thing was maybe a bit daft but the drinking when they're in bed? I do that once a week.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 08/12/2019 17:47

And i dont have a couple have glasses I have a bottle!

frumpety · 08/12/2019 17:47

How long have you been on the antidepressants OP ? Not long I suspect , given your self loathing.
Repeat after me , these thoughts are part of the illness and are simply not true.
what is true is that you are not a despicable person
you love your children and they love you,
this is a mental blip,
you are going to keep taking the tablets
go to counselling
in a short while you will realise how bonkers these thoughts really are.
it will get better Flowers

IfWishesWereFishes · 08/12/2019 17:49

I'm having a beer right now while I make the kids tea

Coatzillaclaus · 08/12/2019 18:10

Yes please ignore those accusing you of being an alcoholic on here OP. There are always some who just want to bring people down on MN but in your case it it just plain cruel. Please stop.

You are not an alcoholic. Perhaps they are letting their own experiences with others cloud their judgement?

It’s probably because you don’t actually drink that often so have lower resistance to alcohol.

Straycatstrut · 08/12/2019 18:35

Save on Mumsnet when one parent must a,ways be stone cold sober in the event anDC needs driving to hospital

Also, as a single-non driving parent - I should remain 100% sober in case I need to travel via ambulance with my DC and not look like an incompetent neglectful alcoholic in need of SS involvement in front of the doctors.

Still very much enjoy a bottle of Wine over a week when they're asleep Grin

Original poster
ComeOnn · 08/12/2019 20:00

Thanks everyone. I just need to believe what you’re saying is true. I just don’t feel like I’m living anymore. I’m just existing and spending every day completely lost in thought. Thinking about the terrible person I am. I just don’t love myself anymore. I have no faith in myself or trust in myself. I want to live a life I can be proud of but I just feel like such a failure and that my family would be better off without me and my problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeOnn · 08/12/2019 20:00

Sorry. I’ve just realised that sounds as though I’m suicidal which I’m not.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 08/12/2019 20:03

I'm afraid you are definitely not mentally ok at the moment. You are not a bad parent or anywhere close. You could be drunk at breakfast 5/7 days a week and SS wouldn't take your kids away. So really you bar for badness is way out of line. Good luck but get help.

Jenpop234 · 08/12/2019 20:04

We have friends over every other month in the evening and have a few drinks. So what? Sure there are a few smug mums out there who feel they have to sacrifice every part of their life for their children but that's not the norm. If you think you have a drink problem, that's different and you should seek help but if not then chill out!