to want to travel less over Xmas

[astuz]

Every year (we've been together 25 years), I say to DH that I don't want to spend all of Xmas driving all over the country. By 'Xmas' I mean the whole week between Xmas eve and New Year's Day and sometimes beyond. Every year, we end up driving all over the fucking country, barely spending a day in our own home. I'm sick of it.

This year he wants to visit his DB 300 miles away, so drive all day Xmas eve, stay for Xmas day, drive back boxing day. Then he wants to visit another brother in another part of the country for 2 days. If his university friends organise something, he wants (all of us - him, me and 2 DDs, age 9 and 14) to go to that, also miles away, and will involve an overnight stay.

In amongst all of this, we are having all of my family over for one day. We will host, so no travelling. We may arrange to see 2 other sets of friends at some point, one set will come to us, the other set we'll go to theirs.

This already adds up to 10-11 days of socialising, at least 7 days will involve travelling/staying over in other people's houses! This ends up happening every year.

My DH would much prefer it if all his family came to ours. He loves hosting and does all the cooking. BUT, none of his brothers (he has 3), ever come to visit us. My DH never arranges to see them any other time of year, and never visits them on his own. He has no interest in visiting them apart from over Xmas. Whereas, if I want to visit my family, I just arrange it, any time of year, and if he doesn't want to come, I just go on my own (with one or both kids in tow).

I work full-time in a very full-on job (I'm a teacher), and even though I'm officially off work between Xmas and New Year, I'll have a ton of work to do from home, so realistically I can only take Xmas eve, Xmas day, boxing day and New year's day completely off - all the other days, I'll need to work.

I'm just dreading the drive on Xmas eve. I want to be cosied up on my own settee eating chocolate and watching a couple of good films. Then, Xmas day, I want see my kids opening their presents in their own home, not in an alien place where I don't feel at home. My older DD is quite happy to spend Xmas day away from the family home (she misses seeing her cousins, and in personality she is exactly the same as DH), but younger DD desperately wants to stay at home.

I'm really tempted to say no to any travelling that involves overnight stays, but DH will be really upset and DD1 will be disappointed, which makes me feel like a complete cow. But then, DD2 and I will be upset if we do go!

I would not do it, sounds a nightmare! Try to get him to arrange to see the relations at a different time of year with better driving conditions.

Gosh, that's a lot of travelling.... Would be tempted to let him see at least one of his DB on his own, with the caveat that they are v welcome to visit in the year or would visit them during the year if they CBA.

I wouldn't want to do that much travelling. Tell him you want to be At home for Christmas day and that you will be working on x and y days so can't travel then , but his friends and family are welcome to visit you.

I'm also a teacher and I'm more concerned with your workload over the holidays- I really don't understand how you are only having a few days off from work! Surely you don't need to do 10 days of work???
If that is the case how have you got time to travel as if you can only have a few days off from work then you haven't got time to travel or socialise that much!

I'm with you on spending Xmas day at home tho - I love spending Xmas at home and chilling! Maybe you could suggest to DH to do alternate years?

My DH would much prefer it if all his family came to ours. He loves hosting and does all the cooking. BUT, none of his brothers (he has 3), ever come to visit us.

Could you be more active in trying to change this? Say to them ‘we would love you to come to us this time as we normally come to you. When are you free?’

Also I know he is a grown man but ask your DH to arrange other times to meet this family as well. He may just not think.

And for Christmas maybe arrange a year at home then year away arrangement.

YANBU. You could use the climate change argument for reducing travel. So DD1 at least can have a reason for changing what you do.

@WoWsers16 I'm not counting weekends, so I'll do about 5-6 days work over the holiday.

@BlueLadybird I did actually manage to talk him into staying at home on Xmas day itself last year but only because I was having cancer treatment. However, for the rest of the Xmas holiday, we still spent a lot of time on the road - 2 trips to London for example, 200 miles away + overnight stays + other trips/people visiting. I was knackered by the end of it all.

Maybe I am being a bit U and I should agree to go to his DBs, but refuse all other long distance trips. I've tried this before though, and he just organises loads of extra travelling anyway, but I'm so pissed off about it now, after all these years, that my resolve to just not go, is very strong.

Also, I've tried a million times to organise seeing his family at other time of the year, and he just won't go. His DB lives in a touristy area, that my Mum happens to like, so I've taken my Mum and our girls there a couple of times within the last 5 years. I've suggested he comes with us and we all go visit his DB, but he refuses. The ONLY time he will visit any of his brothers is at Xmas. His thinking seems to be that he's GOT to visit everyone then, and then he's done his filial duty and doesn't have to bother the rest of the year.

it sounds very frenetic. I hate December for all this enforced manic socialising- on top of the work/school Christmas meals, nights out and plays you then get friends or family thinking that you absolutely must see each other around Christmas- what's wrong with the other 11 months of the year?!
I agree about enforcing a 'you come to us' at least once. Is there any chance that one brother can host the other brother at the same time so you can see them at the same time rather than make 2 trips?
With regard to his uni friends, perhaps suggest he goes on his own or takes your older daughter with him if she wants to go. At least you'd get an extra day or so at home. It's your holiday too!

Just say no. If he wants to disappear to run all over the country let him. But you and the kids stay home and relax. If he refuses to go the rest of the year that's his problem. It's not your problem to fix for him at Christmas

It’s time to talk compromise but I also think that plans already made need to be kept. So maybe discuss how next year can be different to accommodate your and DD2’s preferences as well.

I can't Believe you've put up with this for so long!!

My DH is one of 6 and we have a huge family party the week before Christmas. this works brilliantly.

I often wonder why other families don't do this as well? why does it have to be on Christmas Day?

we go and see his mum and my mum one day between Christmas and New Year, either Boxing Day or the day after. this all works brilliantly. and involves minimal travel and we are at home most of Christmas.

Jesus you’re a saint.

Time for you and DD2 to have more of what you love this year.

I would absolutely hate this. I'd implode.

Why is it always his way? When do you get to do Xmas your way?

I'd say you will go to his DBS, but that's the 1 trip. The rest you're staying home for. He's welcome to go with DC2, but you and DC1 will be staying home relaxing.

Why the hell do you have to go on the trips to his uni mates?

Presumably he’s had the festive period his preferred way for a number of years. Only fair that you get to choose some of the time.

I wouldn’t have been anywhere near as accommodating.

Why do you have to travel all over to see his family yet he won’t come with you? Can he explain that?
I think you should draw a line under it this year and say you’re staying in.

I'd agree to the Xmas Eve/day plans as they are made, and your DD would be disappointed. I'd send your DH and children on their own for all the other trips, saying you are snowed under with work and unfortunately can't come along this time.

Then discuss how you can do things differently next year. Good luck!

Sounds like he’s been selfish and you’ve been passive, to your and DCs’ detriment. Would’ve been better to sort this out before now for this year, but not too late!

@Oblomov19 DH would probably love this but DH would never organise it and his DBs wouldn't be interested anyway.

One of his DBs goes on holiday abroad for Xmas every year, the other 2 always spend Xmas at home. They have been to ours before, years ago, but once they had children of their own, they stopped coming, and always stay at home/go on holiday. They clearly feel the same about Xmas as I do, so I don't blame them!

I'd also only commit to the Christmas day plans and leave your DH and eldest to do any other visits that they want to.

You can go and see them, as you have before, at a different time.

Everyone should get to have the type of Christmas that they want, at least every few years.

I would be having a complete strop now (not on Xmas eve) and refusing to spend another Christmas doing this. If he wants to go, he can go. He can take DD1 if he wants but say that if you don’t get a proper break from work, you will end up signed off sick.

So even though you were Ill last year you still had to travel?? Sod that. Also, kids need time to relax so I’d be saying no to travelling anywhere this year and they can come to you! Let your kids play with their gifts at home on Xmas morning!

Your DH needs to stop being so selfish

That's alot of visiting in a short amount of time. I get you want to do xmas eve and xmas day in your own home, what does the db think having you all these 2 days ? Does he have children ? They must feel it too having their home taken over on these special days.

I have inlaws who like to travel and visit over xmas, love staying in people's homes, I'm currently trying to stop my inlaws this year from staying xmas eve as there is so many of them they take over all our space including sitting room where we end up having no where to put Santa gifts and have to move the tree to fit them in and then they don't like getting up early as they've no young kids. Maybe your DHS Db might feel the same ? Maybe he'd like his own space. You could mention this to your dh, suggest staying home and only do a couple of visits.

Good grief OP - you have a problem. You had to travel last year when undergoing cancer treatment? Does he ignore your wishes / needs over other things as well as Christmas?

@StaryWoman to be fair, his uni mates are all lovely and we have a great time with them, hence why I've just gone along with it. I'm quite sociable, so happy to visit and chat/chill out with anyone really most of the time. It's the sheer volume of it all, and all the travelling, in such a short space of time that I can't stand.

The thought has only just dawned on me really, that I never get the Xmas I want. I was off sick last year, so could recover from all the travelling after everyone had gone back to work/school, then before that I worked part-time for years, so could get away with not working over the holiday. This is the first year since I had DDs that I'll be working full-time. I'd like at least 5 days to just unwind from the hectic term and 5 days to do work, then I don't mind visiting/entertaining for 2-3 days, but if DH has his way, it will be the other way round.

Why does he always have to have it his way? He sounds very selfish. Put your foot down, he can piss off by himself if he has a problem with it. The fact he doesn't bother with his family at any other time of year is his problem.