to want to travel less over Xmas

[astuz]

Every year (we've been together 25 years), I say to DH that I don't want to spend all of Xmas driving all over the country. By 'Xmas' I mean the whole week between Xmas eve and New Year's Day and sometimes beyond. Every year, we end up driving all over the fucking country, barely spending a day in our own home. I'm sick of it.

This year he wants to visit his DB 300 miles away, so drive all day Xmas eve, stay for Xmas day, drive back boxing day. Then he wants to visit another brother in another part of the country for 2 days. If his university friends organise something, he wants (all of us - him, me and 2 DDs, age 9 and 14) to go to that, also miles away, and will involve an overnight stay.

In amongst all of this, we are having all of my family over for one day. We will host, so no travelling. We may arrange to see 2 other sets of friends at some point, one set will come to us, the other set we'll go to theirs.

This already adds up to 10-11 days of socialising, at least 7 days will involve travelling/staying over in other people's houses! This ends up happening every year.

My DH would much prefer it if all his family came to ours. He loves hosting and does all the cooking. BUT, none of his brothers (he has 3), ever come to visit us. My DH never arranges to see them any other time of year, and never visits them on his own. He has no interest in visiting them apart from over Xmas. Whereas, if I want to visit my family, I just arrange it, any time of year, and if he doesn't want to come, I just go on my own (with one or both kids in tow).

I work full-time in a very full-on job (I'm a teacher), and even though I'm officially off work between Xmas and New Year, I'll have a ton of work to do from home, so realistically I can only take Xmas eve, Xmas day, boxing day and New year's day completely off - all the other days, I'll need to work.

I'm just dreading the drive on Xmas eve. I want to be cosied up on my own settee eating chocolate and watching a couple of good films. Then, Xmas day, I want see my kids opening their presents in their own home, not in an alien place where I don't feel at home. My older DD is quite happy to spend Xmas day away from the family home (she misses seeing her cousins, and in personality she is exactly the same as DH), but younger DD desperately wants to stay at home.

I'm really tempted to say no to any travelling that involves overnight stays, but DH will be really upset and DD1 will be disappointed, which makes me feel like a complete cow. But then, DD2 and I will be upset if we do go!

OP much as I love driving, that sounds like a total nightmare. You will be spending most of the Christmas break in a car. That is not relaxing at all.
I used to dread the 250 mile trip each way to see my family. Just tell your DH that you want to chill out this Christmas.

You've been that poorly and people still can't make the effort to come to you?!

Nah. I'd have to put my foot down. He can make other arrangements and see everyone in the new year. Be "selfish" for once (I use inverted comments because it's not really selfish, you've been obliging for long enough). Sounds like you deserve the break!

Just don't go. They aren't that interested anyway if they never come to you.

I've been in your position. I've had to stick my neck out and be unpopular - it's worth it.

We now do one longer trip over Christmas and I commit to family visits over Easter and summer holidays. I also offer to host anyone else at any time (I like cooking so this might not work for you if you want a rest).

But you are going to need to be less passive about it - and a lot more willing to ruffle a few feathers.

DD2 has just suggested me and her staying here and DH and DD1 going away. She gets me all to herself and doesn't have to share me with annoying older sister then! We both hate Xmas dinner as well, so we could actually eat what we wanted. TBH I don't think it's the worst idea in the world. I'd miss DD1, but the way I'm feeling at the moment, I wouldn't miss DH.

I know DH won't go though, if I don't go.

Well that’s good then, you can all not go!

Your DC shouldn’t need to be seek compromises. Would DD1 genuinely like to go, or is she similarly torn between pleasing her father and what she’d actually like?

How many times have you done all this travel? My guess is a fair few. Your turn to choose this year.

Do you usually prioritise your H’s wishes over yours and the DCs?

DH and I are both stupidly busy with work, me running my business and him just nuts at the moment. We also live 2 hours away from family as we had to move for DHs job 15 years ago. We've all been ill and are just exhausted.

So, we decided that instead of traveling to see everyone on boxing Day and staying in a Travelodge for a week we are going to visit for 2 nights before Christmas, coming home Christmas Eve and I'm staying at home with DD until we go back to school and work in Jan.

DH is going to see friends one night and I'm not. I'm invited but just need a rest.

Tell your DH that you need a break. You're working more, are a few months on from cancer and will be spending time at home. He is welcome to do laps of the country but you won't be joining him. However, you will be happy to organise an Easter get together/summer BBQ/bonfire party* so everyone can get together.

*Delete as appropriate

say "no" now. Worst case you can agree to do alternate Christmasses, this year yours, at home, and next year his. Or something.

When he makes these plans without consulting you, just respond with "That's nice. I will be staying here with the children but you go and have fun"

Put. Your. Foot. Down.

One dd wants to have Christmas at home. So do you. Tell the others that you are staying at home this time and they can either go or stay, it's up to them, but whatever happens, you are not changing your mind.

I wouldn’t be doing it, send DH on the trips and you stay home. My DH spent our first few married Xmas’ doing the whole hundreds of miles on the motorway thing and end up a knackered mess. Everyone turned up to work on January nice and refreshed and we’d be frazzled.

Urgh, all that travelling at Christmas is horrible. The actual socialising is great, but when you have to spend a day getting there and a day getting back, it's just not worth it in my opinion. It's starting to be very late to change plans though?

That is not okay. DD1 and DH have always got the Christmas they wanted, well it's time they put you and DD2 first, and you two get the Christmas you won't. Don't bother negotiating or compromising, tell him now that this is the way it will be, and he can bear it with a good grace, as you have borne all these years doing what he wants, with a good grace.

Tell him to put the word out to his family that any and all are welcome, but this year you are enjoying Christmas in your home, without spending most of your break on the road and visiting. And he can go to his uni' friends if he wants, but unless you and the DD's feel like it, you may well be staying at home.

OMG undergoing cancer treatment and your dumb ass husband dragged from pillar to post last year also? I think you need to learn how to say "No fucking way,darling"

@Looptiles With most things we go with what I want really. Holidays - definitely me who gets my own way because I organise it. Spending money - just spend what I want when I want. Visiting friends, family the whole of the rest of the year - I just do what I want. Working - I went part-time when I felt like it, and went back up to full-time when I felt like it.

It's only this Xmas issue really. When we were in our 20s and 30s, before we all had children and before their parents' died, everyone met up at their parents' house, we'd have a massive party, all great fun, saw everyone at once, so only one trip, only 2.5 hours drive away. Now that everyone has kids and no central parental home, no one wants to travel especially as we've all moved further away from each other. My DH doesn't seem to get that those days are gone, and everyone has moved into a different phase in their life.

I do love socialising, and that's why I'm torn and why I've not put my foot down before, but I'm also pushing 50 and I'm tired and having cancer made me realise that life really is too short.

We had an argument about it yesterday, and he's been very quiet on the subject since then, which usually means he's realised how unreasonable he's being and thinking on what to do going forwards. I'm just not going to mention it now, I'll wait until he mentions it first.

Why is he/his feelings/his needs so much more important than yours?

You had a serious illness last year and now work full time in a very full on job. You need to rest! I think your dh needs a reality check.

Meh. We have this problem too as families live at opposite sides of the country. We’ll see one set the weekend before (5hrs driving away), stay 2 nights - then the other set in between Christmas / new year - (couple of hours drive) then have Christmas Eve/ Day at home. It’s always manic and we end up haring around the place. Then friends to see also. No advice really just sharing your pain. Maybe try to see if you can be at home at least for a few days over Christmas itself? And limit the rest of it/ have people to you?