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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Introverts and Christmas parties

35 replies

QueenViki · 07/12/2019 23:01

I’m a painfully shy person and dread social situations. Next weekend is my works do and I am getting anxiety already, it’s spoiling the run up to Christmas because it’s hanging over me (and costing a fortune!). My work colleagues are all women as I work in a nursery and they’re nice enough but rather cliquey and as the quiet part time worker I tend to get ignored. It’s like a dinner dance type thing so I suppose I could just join in with the dancing when it starts up but otherwise I really struggle to know what to say to them without the nursery children there providing a distraction and something to talk about! They all seem to do it all so effortlessly. Does anyone else hate work Christmas parties and how do you get through them?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 07/12/2019 23:04

I have been to many that haven’t enjoyed at all, and now avoid them. Best to decline v early on IME.

Nursery work is low paid, so an expensive do on a weekend near xmas is very inconsiderate on the part of the organisers!

Loopytiles · 07/12/2019 23:04

But as you’ve paid up etc would treat it like the dentist and not drink v much so as to feel well the next day!

VanillaChai20 · 07/12/2019 23:04

Yes, I'm an introvert too and have forced myself to go to the Christmas party every year and never enjoyed it. Mine is next week too and this year I've decided that I'm just not going and feel so relieved. I've come to accept that a loud bar is not my thing, and actually that's fine.

Do you absolutely have to go?

Isadora2007 · 07/12/2019 23:05

Why are you going? Can you get any money back? I always think I’d not really be missed at big events like this so I just say I’m not going now... be kind to yourself.

NoooorthonerMum · 07/12/2019 23:05

I would hate that too OP! Do you really have to attend? If you do I would just decide I time you can reasonably leave and have low expectations for the evening. Make small talk, dance a little then dash home and be glad of your quite bed!

alwayscoffee · 07/12/2019 23:09

This is me. I write and memorise a list of questions to seed conversation eg
What are you doing for Christmas?
Tell me about your favourite Christmas ever
What would your dream Christmas look like?
Which present(s) are you most looking forward to giving to someone?
Are there any particular presents you are hoping to get?
What’s your favourite bit about Christmas?
Then prep your answers to the questions in case they ask you the same question back.

ElleDubloo · 07/12/2019 23:22

@alwayscoffee Sorry but those questions are weird

tillytrotter1 · 07/12/2019 23:29

I've never really understood the thinking that if you work alongside someone you want to socialise with them too.

Melanin5 · 07/12/2019 23:32

Alwayscoffee has a good suggestion. Perhaps not those particular questions but it would be good to think of other questions that seem more natural. You could also consider topics to raise. Whilst I understand why others are suggesting you avoid the party altogether, there will no doubt be instances in the future when you have no choice but to attend a social event where you feel uncomfortable. It’s good to develop coping mechanisms to survive them.

deffonamechange · 07/12/2019 23:59

I don't know if this any consolation to introverts but I HATE works dos and big dos and I have no social anxiety, I will talk to anyone anywhere, totally fine with public speaking, v chatty and outgoing but I HATE these dos and dread them every year.
Hate the chit chat, hate loud music, dont like dancing and just want to go home.

I also know a fair few people of similar social skills who also hate them.

I've reached 40 and have started just saying 'no thanks not my thing' and if they think I am being miserable and non team player they can think that. They will get over it cos I'm lovely all year.
Fuck it! Start saying no to mass socialising!!!

deffonamechange · 08/12/2019 00:01

Yes this this...omg no..I have friends outside work I want to see!! Sick of you lot who I see every bloody day!

30to50FeralHogs · 08/12/2019 00:06

I deal with things like this by telling myself I don’t have to go if I don’t want to. If I think I can decide on the day whether or not to go, it makes me stress less.

As for the night itself, again I just tell myself I don’t have to stay all night. If I want to just pop in for a bit and leave early that’s ok. Most often I end up enjoying it more than I expected, but it definitely helps to have an escape plan!

blueshoes · 08/12/2019 00:53

I am glad I am not the only one who is starting to decline the office X'mas party. I don't mind a X'mas team lunch but a big office party in the evening with a sit down dinner followed by dancing/games is a nightmare.

Life's too short and I giving fewer f_cks.

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 07:54

Yes, it’s not right to assume that people (introvert or not) who dislike work drinks/meals/parties have poor social skills.

Agree that it’s good to step out of comfort zone sometimes, but this need not be work social events, especially if these are also financially costly.

LolaSmiles · 08/12/2019 08:00

I don't mind our smaller Christmas meals, but dislike biggerChristmas parties so usually decline, or (if I feel happy there's a few kindred spirits going) then I say I'll come early on but must get back because I've got weekend plans.
Nice workplaces and colleagues shouldn't change based on who goes to a very narrow type of social event.

itsmecathycomehome · 08/12/2019 08:02

"Nursery work is low paid, so an expensive do on a weekend near xmas is very inconsiderate on the part of the organisers!"

Presumably it was organised by the staff themselves.

"I've never really understood the thinking that if you work alongside someone you want to socialise with them too."

Some people have few family or friends, and it is their only/main xmas social event and people actually like their colleagues and look forward to socialising with them outside work.

OP, I'm with you and hate it. I never go. If it's not compulsory, just say no next year. I'm perfectly sociable, friendly coworker all year, but everyone understands that I don't like parties. In fact, if I was you, I would be sick on the day and not go. I know the money has been paid, but at least you won't be spending even more on travel, drinks and an outfit.

Babdoc · 08/12/2019 08:12

OP, there is a useful wee phrase that you need to learn before next year’s invitation. It’s “No thanks”!
You do not have to attend events that you will not enjoy and dread in advance. I have only attended two evening parties in thirty years. I dislike everything about them - I can’t dance, can’t drink because I’m driving, have sensory issues with loud noise, and am autistic, so find meaningless social chit chat very difficult and pointless.
As you get older, you will worry less about what other people will think, and will make the choices that suit you. Start practising now! Good luck.

speakout · 08/12/2019 08:26

Life is too short OP.

I am an introvert - I don't go to parties. I have come to accept myself for this over the years, and no longer feel the need to do certain things because it pleases others.
Like deffonamechange I have good social skills, no social anxiety, can easily make small talk- I just can't stand these type of events or parties.

Original poster

QueenViki · 08/12/2019 14:09

I don’t think not going is an option - I’ve paid for the meal, secret santa present and a dress to wear. I guess I keep thinking that with practice these things will get better but they don’t seem to, not sure if it’s them or me, probably me. I guess I’ll just have to muddle through it. I wish I was as brave as you guys having the courage to say no and not care what people say but I have trouble fitting in as it is at this place and not sure if it would go down well. It’s so reassuring to know I’m not alone though so thank you all for replying!

OP posts:

Didicat · 08/12/2019 14:13

I’ve decided that I don’t have to talk constantly at parties I am allowed to just people watch and enjoy the atmosphere.

Happy to talk to people but I don’t feel the need to start conversations. I found this has taken the pressure off for me.

speakout · 08/12/2019 14:52

I don’t think not going is an option - I’ve paid for the meal, secret santa present and a dress to wear.

And? So you already out of pocket and you are set to double your misery by actually attending.

I would cut my losses. Take the dress back for a refund and have a nice night in with good food and a bottle of wine.

I would do this in a heartbeat.
An early christmas present to yourself!

Original poster

QueenViki · 08/12/2019 16:24

I would love to do that but probably wouldn’t enjoy it as I’d feel too guilty! I’m not doing too well socially in this job so I probably ought to make more effort. The other part timer is a lot more outgoing and entertaining than I am and my manager has become very pally with her and she gets more hours than I do. I try not to compare myself to her because I know it’s silly and pointless but I still feel a pang of self hatred when I see my manager post another ‘in-joke’ and tag the other woman in it (I wish she’d just message her privately!). I try to be friendly at work, take an interest in my colleagues lives and work hard to make up for my shyness but I know that if I wasn’t so stupidly introverted I would get on better there. That’s why I feel I should go to the social things.

OP posts:

speakout · 08/12/2019 16:34

QueenViki

I feel a pang of sadness to hear of you speak like this. Are you performing well at work otherwise?
I love your username btw. Thinking of ouselves as queen like- or at least good enough is a positive message for us all.
Being "outgoing and entertaining" is not a goal for us all.
There are many other ways of being a very valuable human being. Often the downfall or the "outgoing and entertaining" is that they may be "air kissers". Vapid and vacuous.
Life is far richer than instagram and being tagged.

YouTheCat · 08/12/2019 16:42

I'm not going to mine. £20 for some tapas and a dessert. Also it's the day after the election. I like most of my colleagues well enough but see enough of them at work.

Original poster

QueenViki · 08/12/2019 16:43

Thanks Speakout. I think I’m doing ok at work, there’s no complaints. I do enjoy being around the children and I do my best to make use of the few hours I have there each week. I also do adminy bits in my own time to try and help. I can’t be something I’m not though! I haven’t felt like this in previous jobs, I think it’s just the dynamic here and I’ve lost a lot of confidence being out of work for a while after having children. Pleased you like the name, it was my nickname at school although I promise I wasn’t a diva!

OP posts:

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