AIBU to want to shout 'I don't ******* care!!'?

[SploshMeBackwards]

Brief back story....
My DP and DD have all had a horrendous year, we've all gone through things which most people probably wouldn't experience in their life time let alone in a year.

To now....
From the moment I'm awake to the minute everyone else goes to sleep, I am constantly spoken to 'Can I have this?' 'Are we going out today?' 'I'm hungry' you get the picture. That's just from my daughter when shes home from school and at weekends. Bedtime I'm at the end of my tether. 7pm is wind down time, no devices and nothing to exciting so we suggest reading for an hour until 8pm when it's sleep time.
10pm shes still awake up and down the stairs for God knows what reasons, her devices have been taken away but she doesn't care.
Then there's my partner. He wakes up and thinks it's ok to spoon me and puts his hand by my groin because he likes the feel of what pubes are there (sorry for TMI!!). I'm sick to the back teeth of him forever touching me, grabbing me and making sexual remarks. We have a healthy sex life. He says it's because he loves me and fancies me so much. I've told him it needs to stop because I feel like nothing but a piece of meat.
Whenever he's around he doesn't shut up talking!! I don't mind him telling me about his day and if something good or bad has happend etc... but it's the repetitive stuff that is driving me mad. I go to the bathroom, so he follows to have a bath/a wash/do his hair/do his beard. I go to the bathroom for 5 minutes peace and quiet!!!
By 6pm I'm thinking to myself I don't fucking care just leave me alone!!!

I don't get a chance to actually think or feel anything for myself until gone 10pm and I'm completely and utterly drained, miserable, angry and I just want one day where I'm not having everyone else's issues spoken at me, I want one night where my daughter actually goes to sleep at 8pm, I want to wake up without being touched, I want to go a day without sexual innuendos made or being touched. I just want to lay in bed the entire day and night on my own, eating crap and watching tv in peace.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this?

[RhymingRabbit3]

Would your daughter read in bed or listen to audiobooks. I think it's time to be a bit harsher with going to bed on time, removing privileges etc - she is old enough to understand.

Agree with PPs about getting a hobby and being out of the house at least one evening a week. Something like a mindfulness class or yoga might help with the stress as well, and force your husband to step up to the plate WRT putting your daughter to bed.

If you can afford it, book a night away in a hotel with a nice spa just for you. A christmas present for yourself. It sounds like you need it.

As for your husband, talk to him one evening when you're both calm. Tell him you don't like him touching you that way and ask him not to do it again. If he keeps doing it, I would be going to sleep in the spare room or sending him to sleep on the sofa. Make it clear you're not happy with it.

[Thatnovembernight]

It sounds like you need to carve some time out for yourself - some other pp’s have made good suggestions.
Re. Bedtimes, I also have a 9 year old and there is no way she could go to sleep as early as 8pm. I aim for her to be in bed at 9pm though this is also partly due to late club/activity times.

[Stooshie8]

My Friend mentioned the other day she goes to the gym for me time.
Listening to audiobooks whilst walking is something I enjoy. You could say you are taking up running /gym/ fast walking and disappear out the door for an hour each evening. Though you might need a torch.
Why is DH not watching tv or something, or doing a hobby, or tidying the kitchen or putting DD to bed.

[lovemenorca]

* He wakes up and thinks it's ok to spoon me and puts his hand by my groin because he likes the feel of what pubes are there (sorry for TMI!!). *

I struggle to read this without wanting to throw up. Seriously. Gross.

[CodyBurns]

Your husband sounds awful, I couldn’t put up with being groped like that. There’s nothing worse than a sex pest, especially when you are exhausted. I’d be making plans to leave him TBH - but then again I have zero tolerance for this sort of bullshit. You aren’t a piece of meat and he has absolutely no right to treat you like one.

Aside from your DH problem, it sounds like you need to be much firmer with your DD and enforce some clear boundaries around bedtime. In bed by 8 and absolutely no coming downstairs. A clear consequence every time she does it.

You need to be more assertive about your need for space. It’s time to make some big changes in your house, this level of stress is really not good for you and you are obviously at your wits end. Please be kinder to yourself OP.

[Lifeinaplasticbox]

Your dh sounds awful. Get a lock on your bathroom door.

[Pinkpanther473]

Yanbu
For dd maybe she is being a bit clingy if you’ve all been through a lot and inventing stuff a bit for you to do with her, eg if she’s saying she’s hungry she should be old enough to get herself something as a snack...or even help with putting a meal together for all of you?

Maybe if you are stricter with her being more independent around daily things, bed etc, but do something with her just the two of you that you both like- whatever, something sporty or getting your nails done she might be more compliant with leaving you alone with her requests during the day/eve.

Dh as pp said yanbu at all. Following me into the bathroom and regularly waking me up touching me would drive me insane and I haven’t been through a tough time recently like you either.
I’d try and be really clear with him about where you’re at at the moment and what you need and hopefully he will get the message.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Totally get you.
You need your space too - and you're not getting it. This can be very destructive, not only to your own health and wellbeing but also to your relationships with your DP and DD.

DD needs to go to bed and stay there. Your DP needs to take a hand in ensuring this happens. He also needs to understand that you have bodily autonomy and it's not fucking all about what HE wants all the time - doesn't matter a fucking JOT if HE likes to touch you, if YOU don't want him to then it IS assault and he'd better bloody realise it.

I have, at times, got in my car with a book and just fucked off for half an hour when it's all got too much with the endless TALKING and "mummy, mummy" and noise etc. It makes quite a big difference, both to my sanity, and to their behaviour - the first time I did it, they didn't know if I was coming back! - they know I've hit the absolute end of my tether when I do it now.

[SunshineCake]

Who the fuck voted YABU? .

Sadly you probably aren't alone but that doesn't help you.

Time for working out your line in the sand and making sure your husband and your child understand this and the consequences of stepping near it never mind fucking over it.

[pictish]

Yanbu - you sound totally touched out! I think your wee family don’t realise that you are not a 24 hour facility for their convenience.

Your partner...now he thinks you’re available for his sexual needs just by virtue of being his other half. Some men have this idea that means they more or less get attention and sex on tap because that’s what movies, tv programmes and porn portray...so that’s what they unrealistically come to expect from an actual real, live woman. You need to sit him down and tell him for once and for all that his grabby hands and innuendos are fucking tiresome, demanding and turning you right off. It’s not the compliment he thinks it is to be grasped at and sexually obsessed over. You’re not a doll and he’s not to play with you like you are.

[SunshineCake]

@Emma198 if your husband is home first why isn't he starting dinner at the least? Why are you putting baby to bed AND cooking the food. I don't like how he is with you either.

[andpancakesforbreakfast]

8pm sounds far far too early for your daughter - compromise and reward her for giving you peace and quiet by letting her potter in her room until 7:30, and read until 8:30 the following day or something.

You should join a gym, an exercise class or a pool and have your alone time 2 or 3 evenings a week when your partner can deal with your daughter.

I haven't had a bad year at all, but I would go absolutely crazy if I couldn't exercise at least 3 or 4 times a week. Other people like baking or painting or whatever. You NEED your own time.

Tell your partner to sleep in the spare room or on the sofa if he can't respect your boy and yourself.

[MarleneandBoycie]

What happened to your DP and your DD then? You say it was more horrendous than most can imagine, but most people aren’t rapey sex pests. I wonder why you accept that kind of abhorrent behaviour ?

[pictish]

Yes...lock your dh out of the bathroom ffs, needy bastard.

[Vulpine]

Take up exercise and put a lock on your bathroom door.

[Weenurse]

I remember feeling very stressed that someone always wanted something from me. I just wanted to be left alone to go to the toilet on my own.
It does get better.
Can you go for a walk after dinner while OH cleans up and does bed time?

[Ledkr]

I'd forget about your child's (frankly common at that age) issues and have a very frank conversation with your partner.
I'd be furious if my dh woke me up in any way never mind by groping me.
And if you have repeatedly told him not to grope you and he still is then I'd there is a serious dynamic issue in your relationship. This is on a whole other scale to your parenting problem.

Both my dds ( and not my ds's ) did the same at bedtime and it drove me nuts. I think they get more anxious around that age and are more aware of the world and it's dangers.
Just be firm but patient. I read in the spare room while dd goes to sleep , or fold washing on the landing just so she knows I'm around.
She's 9 after Xmas and has only just started to go to sleep alone and still sometimes comes up in the night to sleep on my floor which I don't mind.

But you need to sort out your dh first.

[LittleCandle]

At 9, your DD is old enough to understand that once she is in bed, she only gets up if she is ill or urgently needs the toilet. You are indulging her by letting her get away with getting up and down for 2 hours. As a PP suggested above, you need to remove screens/devices or something else to make sure she does what she is told. I would let her read for another half hour, then lights out and no discussions! Get angry with her - she is playing you and winning.

As for your DP - he needs to learn to listen to you. No means no and if he can't respect that, you need to think seriously about the relationship. What he is doing is not on!

[NearlyGranny]

There are three issues her: DD, DH and your sheer exhaustion.

Deal with 2 and 3 first by sharing out the planning and cooking of evening meals 50:50, so half the time you are the one coming and asking what's for dinner, then by establishing a boundary of no waking you by groping you anywhere. That is not acceptable behaviour. Ask him how well it's working for him currently and suggest he re-thinks his approach!

You'll be in the mood oftener if he just picks up his share at home, leaving you less tired.

DD at 9 can be told that your first 20 minutes after getting in from work are quiet time when no demands or requests will be dealt with. You can greet each other lovingly and she can sit by you while you have a cuppa to unwind but tell her you're 'on charge' like a device for that time. She can tell time and learn what 20 minutes feels like but not do visible or audible countdowns, or the time goes back to zero. This worked brilliantly for me! My DD2 used to come out to my car and start moaning at me as soon as the door opened, but she wouldn't even carry in a coat or bag to save me making two trips.

We actually built on a conservatory to retreat to from our 3 DC for those minutes, but a nominated armchair will do!

You're being moithered by them. I remember watching our cat stand up, shake her half-grown kittens off her teats and walk away for a bit. You need to do the same!

[OhTheRoses]

Mine were never asleep before 9 or 10. Just didn't need it. DH tended to get home at 9.30pm. We have been together for 30 years. He snuggles up spoon fashion night and morning. Not the hand but I think more is being read into the OP's situation than necessary.

What has made the year so awful?

[rhubarbcrumbles]

YANBU re your DH but YABVU with your daughter.

[Twistables]

Maybe everyone is reacting to the trauma in their own way? If I were you I'd have a Do Not Disturb bath at about 8pm then go to bed. Forego the sitting room and get some peace in your bedroom

[Londongirl86]

Hiya. Just throw his hand off and say get off. Men are obsessed sometimes with bits and pieces and bums. You deserve a nice cuddle or a cup of tea made.

I know how you feel about kids. Mine are four and almost two and don't sleep early. I don't particularly get an evening and that affects me on a day to day basis. I'm forever chasing my tail to catch up. I never get to watch a film or a boxset at night. I rarely get to see my partner. He sleeps on the sofa most nights as the kids pinch our bed.

I don't like people in my personal space and I like time to myself. Sometimes wheny daughter's at school and the youngest naps I just to sit on my bed and stare at the wall lol.

I don't have any advice. I can't drive. But if I did I'd probably go for a drive on my own haha. In the winter it feels worse because you can't even go for a walk in the evening alone lol xx

[Quartz2208]

You have two separate issues your DD and DP and I wonder if how your DP is treating you is feeding into your issues with your DD

He is absolutely awful and I think is making you push your daughter away. He isn’t giving you space physically at all and it means her reasonable demands aren’t being met

[lowlandLucky]

Quite franklyyou need to loose it big time with them both, it might just make both of them realise you have a limit and they have just broken it. Your DD is 9 years old not 3 and she is playing a game because she knows it winds you up, put an end to it today. As for your husband he is a sex pest that needs to learn boundries and fast. Either put a stop to this madness or put up with it , YOUR choice