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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for my hv to declare i am depressed??????

85 replies

fawkeoff · 22/08/2007 21:57

so my hv comes to visit me today as she has been helping me with routines for dc, and i totally forgot she was coming.she arrived to a messy frontroom a naked toddler and me in my lovely pink dressing gown.I have been having a shitty few days for no particular reason, so she starts telling me i dont seem my normal self (this im aware of) and then start waffling on about going to the gp for medication.I mean ffs can i not have an off day and not have to pretend that im a fuckin stepford mother just because she wants me to.i just think she was wrong to just say that to me so easily

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 23/08/2007 13:09

i stress again i do not think depression of any kind should be a taboo, i just think she was way out of line for making such a diagnosis after 5 minutes, and may i also add that the previous visits i have had with her have been solely about my children.....not once has she ever asked me about my wellbeing before,apart from the routines that i wanted to put in place.

OP posts:
FLIER · 23/08/2007 13:16

yes, she was absolutely out of line.
I hope you manage to laugh it off and forget about it, but at some point in the future let her know how she made you feel.
Has today been any better for you ?

incognitoHV · 23/08/2007 13:16

Your HV jumped to a conclusion she maybe should not have done. God - I'd be horrified if my HV turned up when I wasn't expecting her - I have days like you describe very regularly. Spend half my time wondering how other families manage to have such clean and tidy houses.

paulaplumpbottom · 23/08/2007 13:17

Why are they so quick to medicate? Surely a day off is what you need. What she should have been able to offer is the number of a babysitting service and a good housekeeper.

fawkeoff · 23/08/2007 13:22

i feel much better today....had a great sleep last night and am starting to get over this weekends journey ( a lot of driving then in another country with no pram).maybe i should address it with her another time when im not so angry about it,but she has just really pissed me off

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 23/08/2007 13:31

Funnily enough that was the only thing my HV seemed bothered about with DS#2. 'Are you sure you're coping OK? You look tired.' No shit Sherlock! I've got 3 kids under 7 and a very very hungry bf newborn

But TBH I took it in good part. I did get very bad baby blues after DS#1 and longer term PND after DD so she was just being careful. DS#1 was such a huge healthy and active baby I guess she had to find something else to worry about . Actually she was lovely.

newgirl · 23/08/2007 13:36

i do see your point but i also think the hv was trying to do a good job

she made the wrong call in your case but i think she had the best intentions

i think i put on a brave face with my first and now afting having a second i think i was depressed with the first and should have had help but did not want to ask for it - i would have been happy to have your hv!

id go easy on her as she may be a real help to the next person

Reallytired · 23/08/2007 13:55

The health and welfare of the mum and baby are heavily linked. I was very depressed when my son was not walking properly at the age of two. My mood improved once my son started recieving physio.

My guess is that fawkeoff health visitor must have slightly surprised that fawkeoff was asking for help with routines with a second baby. Normally you would a expect a second time mum to know how to get a baby into a routine without any help because she has done it before.

Sometimes a mum will ask the health visitor about her baby because she has bottled out of asking about herself. Sometimes a mother with severe depression will think that she does not deserve the time and help of health professionals.

People bother their GPs about the common cold. They do not seem to get the message that the common cold can not be cured with antiboiotics.

Surely its not wasting the time of a GP to ask about depression. If the patient doesn't have depression then everyone including the GP will be pleased. Its recongising that depression is a proper illness, that can be life threatening if it is not caught in early stages. Clinical depression has a higher fatality rate than some cancers. If you went to the GP with a lump in your breast and it turned out to be nothing important would your GP be angry?

tori32 · 23/08/2007 14:05

newgirl that is a point well presented. I can understand that. Looking back I also see that I had PND, but most people try to put on a brave face. I was never diagnosed as such but spent the first 6 mths not coping well and crying lots. My HV just said fill in this questionnaire please, which I did but wasn't completely honest on it.

Upwind · 23/08/2007 14:45

On my first episode of clinical depression my DH and friends had to work hard to convince me to visit my GP. Once there I was with the GP for suggesting prozac instead of the sleeping pills I wanted. DH had to have " a serious talk" before I realised there was a real problem and started taking the pills. A few weeks later I was back to myself again and that somehow things had got so bad without me really being aware of it.

I don't mean to suggest that you are really depressed but that it is not always easy to be objective if you are, and I would not be too hard on your HV. Everyone gets it wrong from time to time.

Meeely2 · 23/08/2007 14:58

well fawkoff - time to admit it, u are depressed ;)

lucyellensmum · 23/08/2007 15:01

i agree with upwind! You just dont realise until it grabs you by the throat and shakes you ragged.

But your HV is being unreasonable if she thinks everyone parents straight out of the text book. So what if you not dressed, and who cares a hoot if your toddler naked, i bet didnt I think that HVs take a unit on how to be patronising as part of their studies, sometimes you want action, not to be told, you are a wonderful mum - but....bla bla bla.

I have only just come to terms with my, almost crippling, depression and have taken the bull by the horns and started on a prozac type drug. It has given me back, well, me!! But the outrageous thing of it is this, my doctor suggested PND when DD was a few months, i was very ill with gall stones at the time and my father just died too so i didnt really agree, but my HV promptly arrived at my doorstep to do a psychological questionaire and told me i was clinically depressed and that she would be back, well.....2 years later, and despite many clinic visits etc etc, never mentioned it again so basically i was left floundering for two years until i had a meltdown at the local clinic and a nurse basically got hold of me and said, look, you are not well, get to the doctors NOW and ask for help. I did that, and well, the wheels are in motion, but i think withouth the pills, id be cottage pie, or something equally useless

My point is this though OP: Don't dismiss the suggestion, ask yourself how you are feeling, if you feel like shit, there is no harm, and no shame in finding a sympathetic GP to talk to, bugger the HV, they quote out of too many text books for my liking. I just think, dont feel bad, when you dont have to.

mamadoc · 23/08/2007 15:02

I once went to my GP with a bad bout of flu just to get a sick note for work but I must have looked really rough or something as I realised to my horror she was going into her depression screening questions.
Everything OK at home? Err yes
Everything OK at work? Err yes
By the way what is your work? I'm a psychiatrist
Then she just wrote out the sick note!

I didn't hold it against her. There's usually no harm in gently asking but agree suggesting medication first off not very sensitive!

fawkeoff · 23/08/2007 15:57

bollox to that meeley lol....thanks guys but i am not "depressed and in denial" x

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 23/08/2007 16:03

fawkeoff, that is a good thing Fecking dopey HV make sure you hide behind the sofa next time she makes an impromptu visit

SueBaroo · 23/08/2007 16:07

My old HV was convinced Dh was beating me or locking me in a cupboard. Every time she came she'd ask me if everything was alright with our relationship? Had my husband allowed me out at all? Did I feel I could talk to anyone?

Not one whisper of a problem in that regard. Dh is about as New man as they come. She just got a bee in her bonnet, I think. Or else she was barking mad.

emj23 · 23/08/2007 16:12

It all sounds ridiculous fawkeoff. Not being dressed is a sign of depression? And who hasn't occasionally had a visitor when the house is a mess? Good god.

I remember hating the HV coming when DS was a baby, I just wanted to be left alone with my family to get on with things and establish my own routine, and I felt like she was just interrupting me. I'm not looking forward to it when LO arrives either. It probably sounds paranoid but I don't feel like anyone needs to be checking up on me, it's just added pressure at a time when things are up in the air enough. I'll have to be careful not to show that this is my opinion of HV's in case I get accused of being depressed now...

twinsetandpearls · 23/08/2007 16:18

It was my health vivitor who diagnosed my depression and she was right but there was a lot more going on than a messy frontroom.

Amberjee · 23/08/2007 16:48

i had a real go at my mum who was staying with me when LO was born becasue she said 'don't you think you ought to have a shower and get out of your pjamas before the midwife gets here' when LO was only a week old. i told her i'd blardy well get out of my pjamas when i felt like it. she was looking out for me though because the midwife was dying to label me as depressed just because i cried a lot because LO would not latch on in the early days and lost loads of weight. who wouldn't cry!!

MamaMaiasaura · 23/08/2007 17:25

reallytired, there is no shame about MH issues (am actually a trained MH nurse here) but from fawkeoff's post, sounds like she has had a few off days. Also i know that their is a big drive to make sure people are picked up with PND, however it doesnt mean everyone who has an off period has OND. IS a bloody awful illness, but from fawkeoff posts she hasnt said she is unable to sleep due to upsetting thoughts, appetite changes, suicidal thoughts, unable to concentrate on anything etc etc.

I understand that you are trying to say is conceivable to have PND but i dont think that is the case here.

Reallytired · 23/08/2007 17:47

Even a duff health visitor is in a better position to judge a mumsnetter's mental state than the mumsnet jury. I don't think you can judge someone's mental state from their posts on the internet.

Especially since someone with severe postnatal depression (or even just plain tired) can misinterpret remarks or think they have more significance than they actually do.

I hope fawkeoff is OK and having a better day.

newgirl · 23/08/2007 17:53

tori - i dont think i did the questionnaire truthfully either! oh well must work for some people

Reallytired · 23/08/2007 18:12

I didn't do the questionaire truthfully when my son was 6 weeks old. Ultimately my family and I suffered by not being 100% truthful. There are no prizes for being in denial.

If I had the treatment more quickly the postnatal depression would not have become such a nightmare.

Contray to popular belief having a history of depression doesn't stop you getting a good job either.

Meeely2 · 23/08/2007 19:49

bloody hell if Fawkoff wasn't depressed at the start of this thread she sure will be now!

I know i am!

tori32 · 23/08/2007 20:46

reallytired I'm not proud of not being truthful. That was just part of my point that lots of people try to cover it up. For me it was because I didn't feel I had the right to be depressed. I have a stable home, am comfortably off, loving family etc, etc so I didn't want a fuss. I clearly would have got better quicker with help. As it was it took about 9 mths for me to feel normal. Obviously not long by many standards, but long enough.

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