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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for my hv to declare i am depressed??????

85 replies

fawkeoff · 22/08/2007 21:57

so my hv comes to visit me today as she has been helping me with routines for dc, and i totally forgot she was coming.she arrived to a messy frontroom a naked toddler and me in my lovely pink dressing gown.I have been having a shitty few days for no particular reason, so she starts telling me i dont seem my normal self (this im aware of) and then start waffling on about going to the gp for medication.I mean ffs can i not have an off day and not have to pretend that im a fuckin stepford mother just because she wants me to.i just think she was wrong to just say that to me so easily

OP posts:
FLIER · 23/08/2007 09:45

I think that these days hv's and other health professionals are terrified of "missing" something ie if they had an unidentified pnd woman and she did soemthing to herself, the hv's that would get a load of shit for it, bad press etc etc.

Not trying to say she was right, but trying to look at both sides. She was trying to be helpful.

elkiedee · 23/08/2007 09:55

It is a part of their job to look out for women who have a problem and offer help. I was offered leaflets for pnd from the beginning, but am now beginning to acknowledge that yes, I have a problem. I've made it very clear that I don't want to medicate, and fortunately I've made the HV team very aware of the reasons why I am down - my baby was taken back into hospital earlier on and I still feel terribly guilty and lacking in confidence on feeding, though objectively I have every reason to believe he's a happy thriving baby now at almost 16 weeks.

I think it's reasonable to say, yes, I'm having a shitty few days and I'm stressed, but I don't want drugs. They can't force you onto anti-depressants.

I did start making a deliberate effort to get dressed before the community midwife/HV arrived when I realised that this is taken into account, even though I spent whole weekends in my nightie in my pregnancy (first baby) and even before that, and thought nothing of it.

Meeely2 · 23/08/2007 09:58

evenhope - your post about your RAGE, really struck with me....I still look forward to stuff, i still put make up on, my house is still tidy, but i have been diagnosed with PND and i am on meds and seeing a CBT councellor. If you wanna chat, please let me know
[email protected]

BandofMothers · 23/08/2007 09:59

Is stuff like that really taken into acc???

Gosh, I always made my app's for later so I had time to be dressed and ready but diodn't sweat it if I wasn't

Original poster
fawkeoff · 23/08/2007 10:50

i understand that she was doing her job and covering her own back, but i truly know that there is nothing wrong with me....the woman was sat down for 5 mins ffs and was telling me i needed to see my gp.i forgot she was coming and have every right to slob in my pjs and for my house to be a bit messy.I can understand her job, but i cannot understand why she would jump to the most drastic solution straight away without any evidence other than i had a tiring weekend and its really knocked me for six

OP posts:
FLIER · 23/08/2007 11:07

fawkeoff. do you think she may read more into it if you make any more out of the situation/conversation with her by arranging a meeting with her?
It may be best to just try to laugh it off, forget about it and slob around in your jammies all day today.

thechickenlady · 23/08/2007 11:13

My (really really lovely) health visitor told me last week the same thing Tori32 has said - the warning signs for something possibly being amiss is when people have a perfect house, perfectly scrubbed kids and everything is just perfect. Usually means someone is missing out somewhere along the way.

(Typing this in my pyjamas, guilt free)!

Reallytired · 23/08/2007 11:16

Do you think that postnatal depression is something to be ashamed off? Its really common and affects about 15% of mothers.

Prehaps your health visitor is right. Its really hard to tell with just a bullitin board.

Why don't you do this questionaire

www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/40002172/

Fill it out honestly and if you get a score of more than 12 then you need to go and see your GP. Anti depressants are not complusory although many people do find them helpful.

Meeely2 · 23/08/2007 11:29

reallytired, PND is very common i agree as a sufferer, but Fawkoff IMO is FINNNEEEEEE!

Fawkoff, just laff it off, but if you see her again just mention how she made you feel....

Reallytired · 23/08/2007 11:38

Unless you know fawkeoff in real life, how do you know she is fine? The nature of bullitn boards is that you really have no idea who are are talking to. People can post whatever they like. Its part of the fun of mumsnet.

Having postnatal depression doesn't mean that you are mad or somehow an inferior person. It doesn't mean that fawkeoff is less intelligent or even a bad mother. She won't be carted off to the funny farm or have a baby taken off her.

The first few years of a baby's life should be a happy time. I feel I really missed out on the first 18 months of my baby's life because I was so severely depressed. I wont ever get that time back. I am sure that if I hadn't had help I would still be suffering and my son would be losing out.

Do the questionaire and see what your score is. If you get a high score, its not the end of the world.

Meeely2 · 23/08/2007 11:49

ok RT, I had and still have PND, so do know, but I would say, i am more honest on here than i ever am in RL!

Fawkoff has offered advice to me elsewhere and i know that doesn't mean I know her, but then neither do you - and i do think asking her to fill out a questionaire is a bit off!

She just wanted to come on and vent that someone thought she was depressed just cos she hadn't got dressed or tidied the house that day.

Sorry Fawkoff, talking about you as the third person, but i got a pasting the other day on a thread of mine and felt i needed to fight your corner!

rant over

MamaMaiasaura · 23/08/2007 11:57

I had PND too but it doesnt mean having a few off days means you are depressed. THink your HV is being a bit over the top/over keen. Nice she cares but still, it isnt very helpful to discuss medication. (From a medical point of view as well medication isnt the only answer anyway)

My ds is now 7 years and we are both still in pjs! I am 21 weeks preg so does this me am already depressed .. nope just completely comfy and chilling after having niece stay over for several nights. ONly reason am getting dressed today is to go over to friends house.. else would be a lazy day. Actually your HV would prob diagnose ds with depression too and he loves staying in pj's & hates tidying

glucose · 23/08/2007 12:14

hvs are universally known to be odd women! we have moved lots since dd was born so we are now on our 4th who is a real help, one of the others was also a gem, but the other 2 were not much help to me. I was given prozac for about 6mths it was really great, and some CBT which has changed my whole outlook on life. My house is untidy, i find the only way too keep a house tidy is not to live in it. My problem is I cry at the drop of a hat, so people like nursery staff and hv panic if they dont know me, and want to get me in to the GPs office ASAP. I have a family history of mental health problems, the one bit of good advice my Dad told me was listen to everything other people have to say and then make your own mind up (he was nutty as a fruit cake)Are you far from a MacDonald's?

Reallytired · 23/08/2007 12:18

Most health visitors aren't that daft. A health visitor has to qualify as a nurse and then do an additional course to qualify. Sometimes health visitors have a background in a related field like mental health or midwifery. What they all have in common is that you have to be a senior nurse before you can train to be a health visitor.

Contray to popular belief health visitors usually have some idea what they are talking about. I am sure that fawkeoff health visitor's impressions have formed over a period of time. Sometimes trying to be a stepford wife is more a symptom of postnatal depression that being messy and confident.

My health visitor never saw my house in a mess or me in a dressing gown. I was an perfectionist alpha plus mummy. The problem I had was that I completely stopped eating and was exclusively breastfeeding. I looked as if I was anorexic.

Anyway filling out an online questionaire doesn't hurt anyone. Its up to fawkeoff if anyone else sees the answers.

People need to grow up about mental health issues and get rid of the shame. Going to the doctor about possible postnatal depression should be no less shameful than going to the doctor about a sore throat. Would you feel angry about the suggestion of going to the doctor if the health visitor thought you might be anemenic?

I really hope that fawkeoff doesn't have postnatal depression.

EricL · 23/08/2007 12:23

I can't stand HV's. A complete waste of space. Just ignore her - she is just trying to justify her existance by making up some trumped up medical condition so she can send you to the doctors.

Just ignore her. I am sure she lives a perfect life and is organised from the moment she gets up ready to recieve her numerous un-planned visitors.

We have been burnt three times by them in the past - all three were a complete waste of everybody's time.

glucose · 23/08/2007 12:26

sorry to Reallytired if you are a HV, I didn t mean to generalise
i am a research nurse, so other nurses think I don't have a clue about really looking after patients

Original poster
fawkeoff · 23/08/2007 12:28

thanks meeley x at the end of the day if i thought for one minute that anything she said to me was right i would have made an appointment to see my gp asap.If i need help i will ask for it (as i did as hv when i was stuggling with bed routine).The woman doesnt even know me ffs and has no right to deem somebody depressed in the space of 5 minutes that is my problem with the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
fawkeoff · 23/08/2007 12:30

and may i add that i do not have a problem with mental health issues....family members have been and are on medication for depression.If i did have any kind of depression i wouldn't for one second think that i was a failure for having it.

OP posts:
EricL · 23/08/2007 12:31

At least she didnt refer you to your GP. We have had that happen twice and it was a waste of their valuable time.

Original poster
fawkeoff · 23/08/2007 12:33

EricL seriously!!!!! cheeky bastards

OP posts:
Reallytired · 23/08/2007 12:41

I am not a health visitor. I am an ICT technician. I used to do research into the modelling radionuclides in the human body before my son was born. So I can be academic as well as practical.

I know some people who are health visitors. The person in question has a degree and a masters in maternal mental health as well as her health visiting qualification. You typical health visitor is more than just a nurse. Even nowadays nurses do have degrees and they have to do a lot of professional development to keep their registration.

"i am a research nurse, so other nurses think I don't have a clue about really looking after patients "

That is an incrediably arrogant statement. Sometimes practial experience and getting your hands dirty means more than reading (even writing) loads of research papers.

Reallytired · 23/08/2007 12:41

I am not a health visitor. I am an ICT technician. I used to do research into the modelling radionuclides in the human body before my son was born. So I can be academic as well as practical.

I know some people who are health visitors. The person in question has a degree and a masters in maternal mental health as well as her health visiting qualification. You typical health visitor is more than just a nurse. Even nowadays nurses do have degrees and they have to do a lot of professional development to keep their registration.

"i am a research nurse, so other nurses think I don't have a clue about really looking after patients "

That is an incrediably arrogant statement. Sometimes practial experience and getting your hands dirty means more than reading (even writing) loads of research papers.

glucose · 23/08/2007 12:44

Reallytired if you were a nurse or a hv you would have got the joke, will leave you alone sorry

ScottishMummy · 23/08/2007 12:47

poor you of course she cant make a clinical asessment based on a one visit, one nudey baby and a pink dressing gown

seriously she needs to listen to you

mental health assessment and diagnosis is complex, not knee jerk reaction

1st time my HV saw me i was dressed in manky PJ, i was crying baby was crying my boobs were sore with BF...i got over it...tho i do still slob out in dodgy dressing gown on a frequent basis

take care what the feck was she expecting princess anthea turner fluffing and folding towels

FLIER · 23/08/2007 12:54

I can see that the basic point ReallyTired is trying to make is that even if you were depressed or had pnd it is a fact that the way alot of us have been brought up, it is seen as something to be ashamed of.
We need to change our perceptions of mental illness.

i'm not a health professional, just a sahm who has recently been on a cbt course