To think I’ve been a crappy person ?

[Castaway3]

My cousin passed away in June she was only young (27) and it was very unexpected. I was close to these cousins as a child and used to spend most of my summer holidays with them. My other cousin who is sister of the cousin who died I’ll call her Katie, me and Katie we’re close and did everything together but as life happens and you grow up we drifted apart a bit and now only speak on the rare phone call. Since cousin died I have only messaged and rang once but could t get through ( went to the funeral) but didn’t speak much. I am no good with terrible social situations like these and always scared I’ll say the wrong thing.
I phoned Katie yesterday after not speaking since July, she asked what I wanted quite harshly and I apologised for not calling or anything. She normally loves a chat but said she had to go and would call when not busy. I feel so bad for not reaching out sooner and feel like I have been a crap relative.
I’ve probably not contacted her when she needed me most. Have I been a horrible person?

Not horrible but you could have written her a letter when you couldn't reach her by phone. And you could just have caught her in the middle of something and your guilt is making you overthink it.

Get a card and send a nice message. Mention how you didn't know how to be there for her and are so sorry for the pain she is experiencing.

Sorry. You've been a bit rubbish. When someone dies it's up to those in the outer circle to comfort those in the inner circle.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in

What Ohio x3 said.

I would send her a card with something heartfelt and comments that you really really mean......

This makes you a bit thoughtless but it doesn't make you a terrible person. Send her a letter of apology. Don't beat yourself up as that achieves nothing but damage to your own self-esteem.

Not being good in social situations is no excuse for not writing a card or a letter or sending an email. I imagine she’s extremely hurt by your lack of contact or effort.

Lots of people who’ve experienced bereavement say one of the hardest things is the way friends and family go awol and tbh I don’t think in these situations a lack of confidence in what to say is a good reason for not making the effort to at least try. Sure you feel uncomfortable but her sister died, she needed and deserved your support.

You've not been horrible but you've not been a good friend/support either. Best thing to do is apologize and think of ways to make up with her.

I don’t even have her address, we haven’t been close for years but when we talk to each other it’s like we speak all the time if that makes sense. I wouldn’t know what to say as that’s one of the reasons I didn’t call as I genuinely didn’t know what to say. I do feel like just dropping a text message now but can’t think of the words. I could tell by her tone she was upset & a bit angry with me. It’s really upset me to the point I’ve cried thinking of how awful I’ve been.

That sounded woes me. I’m upset she’s been devastated and felt I’ve give her no support.

As you should, really.

Apologise, own it and step up

Lots of people who’ve experienced bereavement say one of the hardest things is the way friends and family go awol and tbh I don’t think in these situations a lack of confidence in what to say is a good reason for not making the effort to at least try. Sure you feel uncomfortable but her sister died, she needed and deserved your support.

^
This

I would call you a "fair weather friend", there for the good times only. Can you write to her and apologise and actually step up now?

Yes I do want to text message her to apologise and let her now I’m sorry and here for her just don’t know how and what to say

“I’m so incredibly sorry xx died. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I wanted to let you know that I’m here for you if there’s anything you need or just want someone to talk to. We don’t speak often anymore as everyone’s so busy but I love you and I loved xx and our time spent together when we were younger are some of my happiest memories. Do you remember the time [happy/funny memory of something the three of you got up to]? I hope you’re taking care of yourself and have people looking after you. I’m always here for you and love you.”

Text something like "I'm really sorry cousin, I didn't know what to say, and instead of saying that, I said nothing, which was really crap of me. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. Please know that I love you and wish I could change how I acted. Love Castaway3"

A text to acknowledge your lack of support after a terrible bereavement would be a further insult. Texts are for casual chats. Send a letter or email with what Throckmorton says

"We don’t speak often anymore as everyone’s so busy" bloody hell don't send this!

@Longfacenow I don’t have any other way to talk to her. As don’t know address or email.
I text messaged her the day it happened and she phoned straight away and we talked and I said I was so sorry. I told her I only text as I wanted to give her space to process what happened. She was ok with that, I hardly saw her at the funeral. I want to text her to say always here for her and love her just don’t know if she will be angrier. I just don’t want to upset her any more than she is.

bloody hell don't send this!

You’re right, that bit’s shit, I was trying to acknowledge that OP and cousin don’t usually speak often irrespective of this tragedy, not that she should try to make excuses for her lack of contact since July because she’s been busy! But it’s not relevant or helpful.

Don't say you will always be there for her. You've not been there for her and she has no reason to believe you if you say it now - it will sound like a lie. The only way to fix this is admit you've not been there for her, but that you want to change that, if it's not too late. If the only way you have to contact her is via text, then you will need to do that.

In that case OP if you don't know her address or email a text is better than nothing.

Copy Throckmorton and just send it and try and do better the next time tragedy hits.

Annie, tone was a bit too breezy I thought.

Is there another family member who knows her address so you could write to her?

Surely you can understand why she’s been off with you? I would be. I think perhaps a card/text. Sorry Op - but you have been a bit rubbish.

I’m going to message her tomorow and apologise. She did say on the phone that we should go for coffee soon and I said of course and to let me know when she is free. She also said Thankyou for calling 😔 so I think that meant she was thinking “thanks for making the effort now even though you didn’t before” it that makes sense. I told her she didn’t need to thank me and I said sorry again.
Does it sound ok to write that I’m so sorry that I haven’t been there for her and that to let me know about coffee and that I’ll ring her at the end of the week?

Yes. Do it. Acknowledge and step up

I have been in your cousin's situation. Please don't make this about your distress about being "a terrible person". That just compounds any issue she may have with you. I have to say I was quite understanding of people's awkwardness and always prefer an honest "I have no idea what to say but I want you to know you are/have been in my thoughts" type message or conversations than hand-wringing angsty words. You may have caught her in an angry moment (a well known stage of grief in itself and may not have been personal to you) or she may be holding on to some resentment. You don't know. But if you want to make contact, do so.