To think I’ve been a crappy person ?

[Castaway3]

My cousin passed away in June she was only young (27) and it was very unexpected. I was close to these cousins as a child and used to spend most of my summer holidays with them. My other cousin who is sister of the cousin who died I’ll call her Katie, me and Katie we’re close and did everything together but as life happens and you grow up we drifted apart a bit and now only speak on the rare phone call. Since cousin died I have only messaged and rang once but could t get through ( went to the funeral) but didn’t speak much. I am no good with terrible social situations like these and always scared I’ll say the wrong thing.
I phoned Katie yesterday after not speaking since July, she asked what I wanted quite harshly and I apologised for not calling or anything. She normally loves a chat but said she had to go and would call when not busy. I feel so bad for not reaching out sooner and feel like I have been a crap relative.
I’ve probably not contacted her when she needed me most. Have I been a horrible person?

I don’t have any other way to talk to her. As don’t know address or email.

Is there no other family member who could give you her address? Get her address and write her a heartfelt card with an apology.

Even now, you're just making excuses?

Be honest. Arrange to see her and admit why you’ve not been there. I’ve lost friends over similar situations. Admit you were wrong and make lots of effort from here on in. Send an “I’m thinking of you” message every few days, text her a hug emoji, just acknowledge that you know she’s going through a shit time.

@Griefmonster she did say she hasn’t been herself
The last few months as I said I phoned and her phone was cut off, I actually
Think it might be both the fact I hadn’t called till now and the anger and the grief. She didn’t sound her self at all. When she first answered and asked “what do you want” I laughed nervously as was taken aback by it as she’s never like that.
I feel devastated for her and I’ve thought about all
Of them every day since it happened. I know it sounds like excuses but I’m just no good with words.
I’m quite a timid person so struggle. I am definatly
Going to text her and ring her again the end of the week. I really want to support and help her as much as I can through this. Probably doesn’t seem like that with the way I’ve been but I really do.

You've taken on board what people have said, so there's nothing much to add.

I think the suggestions about owning the fact you've been a bit thoughtless and placed your awkwardness above her grief is a start.
Acknowledge that you didn't know what to say or do so did nothing, which in hindsight you see was worse than a clumsy well-intentioned effort and see what happens.

I just googled “what to say when someone dies” and scrolled until I found something that looked helpful. You could try that.

You say, “I really want to support and help her as much as I can through this. Probably doesn’t seem like that with the way I’ve been but I really do.“

But during the critical first six months you really weren’t supportive. So be careful to focus on her now, and not dwell on how timid and how sorry you are.

Almost everyone finds this very difficult, OP. Not just you. Prioritising the grieving person over your own discomfort enables you to show support even if it is very hard for you.

www.thecut.com/article/what-to-say-when-someone-dies.html

What’s done is done. Most people don’t deal well with terrible social situations (bereavements, illness etc…). It’s usually not about what you say, you just have to be there so to speak. I prefer what you did to gratuitous platitudes. I always think it’s borderline hypocritical when somebody dies and you receive ‘heartfelt’ commiserations. They haven’t seen you in years, nor could they be bothered to contact you (or the person that passed away; visit him/ her) and then they pop up. Recently my grandfather passed away; got loads of those – hate that. Then I prefer how you went about things.

I don't think you're a horrible person (or you wouldn't care enough to write a post) but maybe you should have made more of an effort and perhaps you could do that now. Not harassing her with phone calls but maybe a card, a letter or email to let her know you've been thinking of her and you're sorry you didn't get in touch - be honest say you didn't know what to say and were scared of doing things wrong and you now regret not calling more.

Being a good person and doing the right thing isnt the sole preserve of super confident people.
Step up.
You cant hide behind being "timid" when it hurts others.
If you have the resources maybe take her away to a spa or hill walking in the lakes?

Are you sure your not reading too much into this? Haven’t you ever answered the phone thinking it was something else and reacted this way?
You can’t change the past but you can control the future. Set up a specific date for that coffee and go from there.

I think the best thing to do would be keep it simple and say I'm really sorry I've been a crappy friend, please can we meet and get a catch up because I've really missed you.

I don't know OP, honestly I dont think you've been as bad as everyone else seems to think. I think it's natural with cousins to be close as kids then grow apart as adults. Its rare to be close to adult cousins. And if you aren't that close to someone, like pp said it's a bit fake and weird to then be all over them when something bad happens. If I was in Katie's situation, I'd rely on my usual support system of family and friends, I doubt I'd be keen for a cousin I have a once a year/Christmas card type relationship with to scoop me up and take me hill walking.

I don’t have any first cousins and only spent holidays with my siblings but a year ago my mum’s cousin’s husband died and I sent a card to pass on my condolences.

He was nearly 100 and I hadn’t seen either of them in 15+ years but I remember going to a couple of family parties as a child and their huge dog and I included that in my card and she told my mum she was touched to receive it. Every family is different and the closer the person you loses the harder it is but that’s even more reason to overcome any discomfort at contacting the bereaved person and simply sending your love or best wishes. That’s what I wanted when I lost family members and friends. Someone to be thoughtful, kind and around in some way.

Yes you have been a crap friend and you haven’t been there for her. Can I ask why? It’s good you are acknowledging it now but why weren’t you there for her when ahe needed you? She has gracefully extended the olive branch but be warned if you let her down again I suspect she will cut you for good. This is almost the exact scenario I went through except I was your cousin and it was my son who died. My best friend barely made an effort. She then apologised which I accepted and vowed to call me regularly which didn’t happen. I then blocked her on everything and haven’t spoken or seen her in four years. Her husband text me saying she was devastated. Well tough!

Texting is rude, lazy and off-hand. It surely can't be beyond your capabilities to find out her address from someone who'll have it?

Maybe you caught her at a bad time. I'm not sure you've done anything wrong tbh.

Very similar relationship with my cousin. She came to the funeral, which was lovely but I really wouldn't have liked it if she had started phoning/texting me regularly in the weeks/months following. I would have been polite and replied of course but I really couldn't be doing with people, who I am not really close to anymore, invading my greiving space like that. Each to their own I suppose.

You need to own up to having been rubbish. It doesn't make a terrible person but you have put your mild discomfort and embarrassment at both being good with words' over her grief. That's hurtful. A few people said to me they hadn't contacted me when my mum died because they didn't know what to say. I absolutely think less of them now. As I do of those who came to the funeral, and haven't made contact since. Going to the funeral is not enough if you are/were close to her.
I'm guessing you haven't experienced losing someone very close to you. It's a horrible painful lonely place. You wonder how the sun still rises every day and see people going about their daily lives and wonder how. You got on with your life.
Those who message me regularly with a 'thinking of you' or 'how are you?' Or send a card here and there are my people. They are the ones I know are thinking about me, truly, not just with tardy empty words.
You can make it up to her, but you need to put in some effort of genuinely putting her first, without conditions or expectations from her.
As for not having her address - ask her! Say you've been thinking about how you haven't been there for her and would like to be there from now on, and would like to send her something. Can you even arrange to visit her? Again, putting her before your 'reasons'.

*not being good with words

So she said she would like to meet up with you for coffee and said thank you for calling.

I bet she isn't mad with you at all. Her abrupt tone could mean all manner of things. Others/she say she's 'not been herself' Well no, obviously! She's grieving terribly .

You are mad with yourself. Contact her again and suggest that coffee if she's up to it.

What age bracket are you in op if you don't mind me asking? If you are in your twenties like the cousin you sadly lost, then I don't really blame you for not knowing how to act. I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, you sound like a nice person to me. You are trying to do the right thing now which is good

I remember being quite selfish in my twenties and not really being aware of death and illness and how profoundly it affects people. I might have felt genuinely sorry
but I didn't really understand ifyswim. I only gained that understanding later on in life.

I wouldn't go on too much about your past actions op, you can't change them, it's what you do now that matters. When she mentioned the coffee instead of saying "let me know when you are free" I think it would have been better to say "yes let's fix a date and time now". So send her a text in a day or so and say "how about that coffee, when would you like to meet?".

Countryescape

I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through and I’m so sorry your friend let you down so badly.

You never know who’s going to step up or disappear when tragedy strikes and it’s strange how the people in your life behave when you really need them.

It is okay OP. She is hurt, you were grieving too people deal with grief in different ways. It is hard to know what to say.
Aplogies acknowledge her anger and ask her would she like to go for dinner, don't say I'll always be there you really can't promise her the commitment.
Is there any nice memory a place you all visited as DC.
Talk about her sister share memories, it is awful when it feels awkward to talk of a loved one who past people don't know what to say.

Countryescape I am truly sorry about your DS and bestfriend.
I don't think it's the same scenario at all.
OP wasn't close go her cousin, didn't have regular contact from child hood. Like @DeckTheHalls2019 said I wouldn't want a cousin who wasn't a special person in my life anymore to make regular contact now.
Her anger is misguided though I'm sure it was awful for her.

I don't think you're horrible. Time passes quickly, people often mean well, offering this and that after a bereavement, but it rarely manifests itself in action.

Keep in touch with your cousin more regularly from now on, write her a letter maybe. She is hurting more than you.

I'm very sorry about the death of your cousin, it must have been a blow.