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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"But I want to see my nieces and nephews on Christmas day"

37 replies

Barneythedinosaur · 07/12/2019 19:07

Talking about Christmas with dh earlier as dc is starting to be at the age where they understand more.

We alternate years between his family and mine. This isnt an issue, family is important to us and it wouldn't feel right being at home just us without family at Christmas. We also don't have the space to host as we are in a small 2 bed flat with no dining room or space for table (we are saving to move so hopefully this will change in the next couple of years).

Dh family live around 15m away, mine around an hour. Our child is the only one on my side of the family, but there are a lot of children on dh's side.

In previous years, if visiting his family we have had the morning together, then go over around midday. We then go to my family either on boxing day or the nearest weekend depending on plans and work etc.

If visiting my family, we have always left around 9:30/10am and dropped in to his family first. This has always worked as being at home never really mattered to us, our dc has been too young to have a clue whats going on, and it was nice to see nieces and nephews on christmas day and drop off presents etc. His family also live on the way to mine so it makes sense.

This year we are due to go to dh's family, and its probably the last year dc wont properly understand Christmas.
Next year we will be with my family if we follow the pattern. So I mentioned about how next year we will have to either drop nieces/nephews presents off before Christmas, or just give them on boxing day when we see the family. As it wouldn't be fair dragging a young child away from their presents at 9:30am to take presents to other children instead of allowing them to play with what they have.

Dh said this was unfair as he wants to see his nieces and nephews on Christmas day. I think this is wrong as surely our own child should be our priority?

For reference, we always go to his family, they never come here. If we didn't go we just wouldn't see them. We are expected to adjust our childs routine if we want to see them of an evening (such as them staying up later or sleeping on our lap in the lounge rather than going to bed), they have never done anything that would affect their children's routines. My family come here often, and work around what timings are best for us.
Also, just for clarity, I live my in laws, we are very close. Mil and fil are lovely people and we get on well. I am also close to sil/bil so this isnt an in laws issue. Purely a question re dh.

So:
Aibu in saying our child should come first, and we shouldn't make them leave their toys in a morning to take other children theirs?

OP posts:

rookiemere · 07/12/2019 19:15

I think as your DC gets older, they will much rather spend Christmas somewhere there are other DCs around. It sounds like you're doing all the running around though which isn't fair.

Novia · 07/12/2019 19:17

I think you're being a little precious. Part of the fun is showing off your gifts to your cousins - just let him take his new toys with him! My DH and I are both from big families, 10 grandchildren on my side and 12 on his. A huge part of the joy of the day is all the cousins meeting up to play, and the adults having time to catch up and socialise.

OneForMeToo · 07/12/2019 19:17

I’m torn. One side it’s how it’s always been and if the child will be old enough it’s likely to be more fun for them seeing their cousins than being the only child around adults all day. Other side is I hate taking children away from their presents on Christmas Day at all.

This is normally where a fuck it stay at home system comes into place.

DeathStare · 07/12/2019 19:18

Could you not spend morning at home, go to your parents in the afternoon and for dinner, then call round at the ILs in the evening on your way home? I don't think it's such a big deal abandoning evening routines for Christmas Day

NeedAnExpert · 07/12/2019 19:19

Download skype for him.

(All this angst about a made up festival is utterly bonkers, especially years in advance.)

DeathStare · 07/12/2019 19:19

I'd also add, a lot can change in a year so I really wouldn't worry about this now!

beela · 07/12/2019 19:19

Tbh I'd just enjoy this Christmas and worry about next Christmas nearer the time.

beela · 07/12/2019 19:21

@NeedAnExpert aren't all festivals made up?

Ponoka7 · 07/12/2019 19:27

I think that you'll find that your child will want to go to their cousins and show them what they've got. You can plan one portable gift for this.

They will also be receiving a gift, so will have something new whilst there.

I wouldn't argue about this now, address it next year.

NeedAnExpert · 07/12/2019 19:28

Some more than others. Don’t see many people agonising about who to visit for the solstice........ probably the lack of commercialism.

PrincessLouis · 07/12/2019 19:30

I would work it out next year

Lllot5 · 07/12/2019 19:32

Worry about it next year tbh.

boomboom1234 · 07/12/2019 19:32

Why not worry about this next year as he may have a totally different view then when they are a year older. Seems really pointless thinking about it now.

JasonPollack · 07/12/2019 19:35

Don't borrow trouble! Worry about this next year.

TooleyVanDooley · 07/12/2019 19:42

DC will probably love to see the cousins, especially if there are no other children on your side. Just make sure you include a couple of portable presents that can be taken along.

You are way overthinking this.

Purpleartichoke · 07/12/2019 19:43

We won’t go to more than one side on any given day and Christmas morning is spent at home. Thankfully, our families are very understanding and we have developed a system where we celebrate with one group on Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day. I had to compromise in that a good portion of gift opening now happens on Christmas Eve, but it turns out that did not dampen the magic of Christmas morning at all. By giving a little bit on routine, we were able to make Christmas celebrations much more pleasant for both sides of the family.

DogCatHat · 07/12/2019 19:50

We had a similar issue a few years ago, except it was my SIL who wanted us to call to PILs on Christmas Day on the way to my parents (PILs house isn't on he way to my parents house, even remotely). We have always done what you do, alternated parents/ILs on Christmas Day/Boxing Day - we were going to PILs on Boxing Day anyway.

My parents are further away, and it would have taken an hour and a half out of our time with them to just "pop in for an hour" (and there are loads of people on DH's side, so an hour would be really rushed and probably not that much fun). She couldn't understand why we wouldn't do it, but DH agreed that it was daft, and we stuck to our plan.

It was absolutely fine, and ILs have accepted it and seen that the world doesn't collapse if they don't all see everyone on Christmas Day.

I would wait until after Christmas to talk about next year, but suggest to your DH that it's better to have quality time with each family and see if Es willing to give it a go. Maybe he could FaceTime from your parents' house during a quiet moment? (DH did this the first year, and then realised he actually didn't care that much and hasn't bothered since!)

If he really hates it, there may be bigger issues you need to talk about, but he may well realise it's absolutely fine.

As others have said, the kids might have different preferences in years to come, so you'll need to be a bit flexible. Ultimately, you're probably not going to be spending Christmas with your siblings and their kids forever, so it's good to create your own traditions now. (Although we're reaching the point where our DCs want to see their cousins on my side and not DHs side, which will be an awkward one to navigate...)

Someaddedsugar · 07/12/2019 19:52

Are you me OP?! I had this exact conversation last week (DP's parents this year - 5 mins away, mine next - 45 mins away).

I don't have the answer yet but following with interest!

justasking111 · 07/12/2019 19:54

We stayed at my grandparents and the cousins all came for lunch with their parents, 12 children, my granny was a saint looking back. I remember those christmas days with such fondness, cannot recall what I got as a present at all.

Babybel90 · 07/12/2019 19:55

I don’t get it? Why does he “have” to see them on that day, why can’t he just see them the day after, it’s not the end of the world

DogCatHat · 07/12/2019 19:59

@justasking111 what about cousins on the other side though? We only had cousins on 1 side growing up, so the issue didn't arise and I always wonder how people work it out. DH has a couple of relatives on his dad's side, but MIL basically ploughed on with plans with her lot and he only saw the other side of the family rarely.

Hepsibar · 07/12/2019 19:59

I cant decide whether YABU or YANBU. What we used to do was have Christmas Day together as a family but then see all the cousins on Boxing Day, because by that time everyone's bored of their toys!

So as a child, I always enjoyed Boxing Day, see my cousins far more!

saraclara · 07/12/2019 20:08

Jeeze, a lot can happen in a year! It's certainly not something for you and your Dh to be arguing about now.

manicinsomniac · 07/12/2019 20:13

I think YABU.

Seeing cousins is much more fun than presents that aren't going anywhere. To be close enough to have the opportunity of seeing all your cousins and grandparents on Christmas Day is fabulous. Your child is so lucky and will grow up valuing that so much more than an extra hour or two playing with things every other year.

Notodontidae · 07/12/2019 20:14

I dont see a problem, DC gets up early say 7.30am, opens some presents which is fun, got to see Nephews and Nieces, open some more with them. Your DC, can play some more when they get back, or take some presents with them. Have a nice Christmas, you deserve it. YABU because your child will come first when he opens presents from Father Christmas at 7.30am

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