"But I want to see my nieces and nephews on Christmas day"

[Barneythedinosaur]

Talking about Christmas with dh earlier as dc is starting to be at the age where they understand more.

We alternate years between his family and mine. This isnt an issue, family is important to us and it wouldn't feel right being at home just us without family at Christmas. We also don't have the space to host as we are in a small 2 bed flat with no dining room or space for table (we are saving to move so hopefully this will change in the next couple of years).

Dh family live around 15m away, mine around an hour. Our child is the only one on my side of the family, but there are a lot of children on dh's side.

In previous years, if visiting his family we have had the morning together, then go over around midday. We then go to my family either on boxing day or the nearest weekend depending on plans and work etc.

If visiting my family, we have always left around 9:30/10am and dropped in to his family first. This has always worked as being at home never really mattered to us, our dc has been too young to have a clue whats going on, and it was nice to see nieces and nephews on christmas day and drop off presents etc. His family also live on the way to mine so it makes sense.

This year we are due to go to dh's family, and its probably the last year dc wont properly understand Christmas.
Next year we will be with my family if we follow the pattern. So I mentioned about how next year we will have to either drop nieces/nephews presents off before Christmas, or just give them on boxing day when we see the family. As it wouldn't be fair dragging a young child away from their presents at 9:30am to take presents to other children instead of allowing them to play with what they have.

Dh said this was unfair as he wants to see his nieces and nephews on Christmas day. I think this is wrong as surely our own child should be our priority?

For reference, we always go to his family, they never come here. If we didn't go we just wouldn't see them. We are expected to adjust our childs routine if we want to see them of an evening (such as them staying up later or sleeping on our lap in the lounge rather than going to bed), they have never done anything that would affect their children's routines. My family come here often, and work around what timings are best for us.
Also, just for clarity, I live my in laws, we are very close. Mil and fil are lovely people and we get on well. I am also close to sil/bil so this isnt an in laws issue. Purely a question re dh.

So:
Aibu in saying our child should come first, and we shouldn't make them leave their toys in a morning to take other children theirs?

YABU for overthinking and over planning. Why have an argument over a hypothetical point when next year you will actually know what your DC wants to do, perhaps be living elsewhere, maybe even DHs family will be elsewhere... it's absurd to try and nail this down 13 months ahead of time. Honestly, let it go, at least for 11.5 months.

Try not to turn this into a year long argument. You dont know how any of you will feel or what might have changed by then.

It's your first child.
You have no idea what they will be like next year.
Children change, as do circumstances. Don't fight about something theoretical in the future - there are better things to argue about, like which way the toilet roll goes on, etc.

Alternate view, I hated Christmas day with my cousins. We never really got on but were all expected to play together despite the differences in ages and interests.

Mine don’t and won’t ever have any cousins but if they did I think they’d value seeing them on Christmas Day more than playing at home with their presents. Their presents aren’t going anywhere, they’ll have plenty of time to play with them and can take some bits with them.

But yeah, think about it next year.

I think it will depend...on how well your child is playing with cousins, how introvert or extrovert he is, what toys he has got that year (eg if he has a new bike I could see him want to play on that at yours, a smaller toy he could take to and play with his cousins). I think having 'rules' like this is fine but they do need to be flexed as people and families change.

It wasnt an argument just a throwaway comment in a conversation which I didnt quite agree with. We haven't discussed it since and probably wont until its time to plan for next year. Probably in almost 12 months tbh.
Just wanted to get opinions on whether it would be fair on a 3 year old who wouldn't understand why they had to leave.
You are right that family is important and I would never want to stop time with cousins. We see the in laws and cousins most weekends, a lot more than my family (as it's closer and more fun for dc).

It was more about whether it expressly has to be Christmas day instead of Christmas eve or boxing day really. They are mostly old enough to no longer believe in father Christmas so I didn't think it would be a big deal.

To the pp who mentioned going there on the way home, that would be a good idea but the kids are usually sent to their bedrooms just after 6pm to play/ watch TV so it probably wouldn't be much appreciated getting them excited again when they would be finally calming down after the day tbh. We would also have to consider timings as there are 3 houses we need to go to for his family, and he likes to spend about an hour to hour and half at each.
It would be an option to consider if it comes up next year when we are talking and planning.

Out of interest, those of you with large families on one side and small families on the other, how do you tend to do Christmas?
Especially if both sides of the family are nearby. Is it a lot of house hopping?

Soent first Xmas together with DH’s family and hated it. So haven’t spent Xmas with either side since. We used to travel to DH’s home town for a weekend in Dec and then to my home town for another weekend. Would arrange a meal with each family and 25th Dec is just another day for us. DH’s family is now massive - DD (9) has 6 younger cousins on that side and none on mine. But there is no expectation that we will visit anymore (and I wouldn’t anyway). They struggle to acknowledge DD’s birthday and haven’t remembered her at Xmas for 7 years. So their loss really because she isn’t interested in going (5 hour journey).

I hated the journey to my grandparents for Xmas as a child (4 hours). The other grandchildren lived closer to them and it was always quite stressful.

So do what we want at xmas. Never allowed any sort of expectation or pattern to establish. This year we are ignoring it completely and going on holiday.

He is seeing his nieces and nephews this year. I’d drop it he will probably have forgotten he said it by next Christmas.

We saw our cousins on Boxing Day for a Christmas meal and presents - it’s nice because it extends Christmas.

You don’t have to see them on Christmas Day, it’s ridiculous. You can’t really drop round presents and then bugger off part of the fun is watching people open stuff.

We usually do our kids, my parents, DH’s parents on Xmas day. Christmas Eve/Boxing day we see my sisters and brother + my parents, Boxing Day/Christmas Eve DH’s brother and his parents.

I think the biggest problem you have set yourself up for is believing that you are alternating Christmas day between your parents and his parents. The reality is you see his parents every Christmas.

Due to family working patterns our children,, who are now teens, open presents here Christmas morning, have a short play time. We then drive 1 hour to see my sister and my side of the family at her house, eat Christmas lunch, open presents. Mid afternoon, get back in the car and drive 20 mins to PIL house for snack style dinner (they have eaten their Christmas lunch earlier at a restaurant) open presents leave mid evening.

We have done that since Ds1 was born. Dh takes 2 weeks off work.We get plenty of time as a family. Maybe stop thinking about it all happening on Christmas day. As children we did Christmas eve at one GP's house, Christmas day just us, Boxing day other GP.