AIBU?
Criticism of parenting/unsolicited advice
Jadefeather7 · 06/12/2019 18:55
My uncle’s wife (who has never really liked her in laws but suddenly wants to spend time with me because she loves babies) recently met my baby son at my parents house. It was around 4pm which is usually when he gets grisly and starts fussing. My uncle’s wife kept saying he’s getting upset by seeing so many people. I told her that he’s like this at this time most days. He goes to baby groups and visits people and is usually fine if it’s not too late. In fact he was perfectly happy at my parents house from 2-4pm. She then spoke to my mum a few days later and told her that because I didn’t take my son out much in the early days (he was a very unsettled baby who screamed all the time for the first 3 months) that’s why he doesn’t like being around new people and new environments and with my next baby I shouldn’t make the same mistake. She also obviously said this to her daughter (my cousin) who messaged me to say “lovely to see the baby, you should get him out more so he’s more social”. Surely people realise that it’s very normal for babies to cry?
This is the sort of stuff I might have expected from some people in my in laws who are pretty old fashioned but everyone has been great and supportive.
Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed at this? How do you deal with judgemental people like this?
Am I being unreasonable?
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phoenixrosehere · 06/12/2019 19:04
I ignore it. I just concentrate on my child and give a noncommittal “mmhmm” and people tend to get the hint. I definitely don’t take anyone who has only had a snapshot seriously anyway.
CluelessNewMama · 06/12/2019 19:19
It’s so irritating. Sometimes I explain why I disagree but increasingly I just tend to ignore them. It amazes me how many people think they can somehow read my baby’s mind and tell me exactly why she is crying despite seeing her for 5 minutes.
I needed to go to the bank last week and DD was crying while I was waiting to be seen. I’m pretty sure she was just due a nap. Cue random old lady telling me that she needed a feed. I didn’t have the energy to tell her I had literally just fed her so I just smiled weakly and turned away from her.
ColaFreezePop · 06/12/2019 23:22
Your baby so don't explain.
Babies while they may be small are individuals.
violetbunny · 06/12/2019 23:25
I'd be tempted to tell her that HER parents should have taken her out to socialise more from a younger age. That way she might have learned some manners 
Laserbird16 · 06/12/2019 23:34
Just non committal 'oh' usually is enough. Unless of course it is brazenly wrong. My mum wanted to give DD cooled boiled water when she was born as that was the advice when DM was raising me. I just said 'the advice has changed, that's not recommended anymore' if pressed I would say 'I'm going to follow the doctor's advice'. Your Aunt is misguided but what are the rest of your family doing passing on her thoughts? Maybe just tell them yeah Aunt said that and then laugh...if pressed I'd be honest and say you're feeling criticized and it sounds like they think you aren't caring for your son properly. That should shush them
SickNotes · 06/12/2019 23:35
Say ‘Look, this is a bit awkward, it’s actually it’s you my baby hates. He’s delighted by literally everyone else. So, don’t take this the wrong way, but could you stay away for, say, six months? And don’t even phone in case I’m carrying him and he recognises your voice. Thanks. Toodle pip!’
StickyToffeeTart · 06/12/2019 23:47
SickNotes - brilliant  I'd never have the guts for it, but I'd love to respond like that!
I'm with you OP, all the advice is annoying at best, and often offensive
Jadefeather7 · 06/12/2019 23:59
I’ve managed to tolerate advice generally by ignoring it. So if someone said to give water I can easily just nod and smile and that’s what I have done. But when it’s something that comes across as a criticism of me or my baby I find it really tough.
babybrain77 · 07/12/2019 00:05
One of my NCT friends responded in a very similar way to sicknotes suggestion. An old lady poked her head into baby's pram and said "well he's not very happy is he?" And friend replied "actually, he was a ray of sunshine until you stuck your mug in his face".
Mumtotwo82 · 07/12/2019 01:36
I would say or text.; Thank, but don't worry. As his mum, I know his routine and personality more than anyone. Thanks for your concern but he is doing just fine, and I'm not at all worried about how social he is
Jadefeather7 · 07/12/2019 07:16
@Mumtotwo82 I think that’s probably what I would have said if it was said directly to me. I’m thinking about saying something now anyway, because there’s an ongoing thing with her putting our family down and while I’ve tolerated her crappy analysis of me, my siblings and my parents for many years I’m just not prepared to hear it about my son.
BertieBotts · 07/12/2019 07:25
Oh don't worry. You get this a lot in families/parenting in general. Don't move to Germany. Every old granny on the street thinks it is their duty to inform you on whether your baby should be wearing a hat or socks (clue: Always, even in the mildest weather) whether they should have a cover over their pram (never, even if it's blinding sunlight and they are asleep) and ask you whether they are walking yet if they look about the age as though they might be. Or comment on the number of teeth they have. You have to perfect your death stare. Or a forced smile and nod.
If you don't like her I think I would avoid spending time with her with your son around. You're right, he doesn't need to hear that kind of criticism, even if he can't understand it yet. It's a good boundary to set right from the start.
ButtercupGirI · 07/12/2019 07:52
Standard stuff from my mum and sister, it's their characteristics, not you, not the baby.
Nothing you can do but ignore/avoid.
Cookit · 07/12/2019 07:58
I think some people forget that babies just cry a lot. I’m not one for ever not comforting a crying baby but sometimes that’s all you can do, there isn’t a specific reason.
I was out fairly recently with friends for brunch with my then 3ish month old who spent most of it crying on my lap. One particular friend seemed very concerned - does she need a nappy change? (No, just done it), - is there something wrong?
No, she was just a grizzly baby and I was feeding her on and off the whole meal and she’d eventually fall asleep. The friend seemed confused that this happened most days.
Charles11 · 07/12/2019 07:58
Just ignore it. They’re trying to be helpful but in their own unhelpful, warped way.
If you acknowledge it, they may continue so just ignore it and reply with a ‘nice catching up with you too’
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/12/2019 08:03
How do I handle unwanted comments and advice? With various answers.
"Do you think so?"
"OK"
"Yes, I know what you mean"
"I suppose"
"Mmm"
"Right"
Sometimes just silence.
And then I carry on doing what I think is right for my baby.
They don't live with you. You don't have to see them very often. So their opinion and advice is irrelevant. Plenty of people do it. Listen to what they say. Nod, make non committal noises, and the carry on doing exactly what you're doing.
There's no need to challenge these people or cause a row by saying anything. They are not actually doing anything that will cause damage to your child. They won't have access to your child without you so will have zero influence on the way your child is brought up. They're just voicing an opinion. An opinion that you don't happen to agree with. Limit the time you spend with them (for your own sanity) and carry on.
Selfsettling3 · 07/12/2019 08:11
“Im happy with my parenting. If I want advice I will be sure to ask.” Said with a smile.
It sounds like she knows very little about babies. Most babies have a ‘witching hour’ or two in the evening.
Jadefeather7 · 07/12/2019 08:11
I did actually limit the time I spent with them for many years but now I’ve had a baby they suddenly want to come to see him at least once a month. If I only saw them once or twice a year like I used to I would probably be less bothered. If I start making excuses not to see them when they ask that will also be held against me. I had a long lecture from my cousin about how I don’t make enough effort with them (I now realise it’s because they’re obsessed with babies and when they found out I was pregnant they were desperate to start spending time with me)
MzHz · 07/12/2019 08:28
God your aunt/cousin are insufferable
Make the excuses! Tell them life gets busy etc and that’s that
They don’t need to come and see you every month especially not when it’s seemingly to impart their wisdom
Be busy. Very busy.
Retpark101 · 07/12/2019 08:43
DD is almost a year old now and EVERYTIME she cries at MILs house, it’s always because she wants a nap and is getting grouchy. I tell MIL “oh DD needs a sleep” she will always respond with “maybe you need to change her nappy? Have you done that?”
Like thanks lady, god knows how I take care of her when I’m on my own, never change her nappy obviously
InACheeseAndPickle · 07/12/2019 08:50
She sounds bloody annoying. If it's any consolation I have an aunt (but she's only 5 years older than me) who was the expert on parenting because she had 3 kids who slept well and were quite mild mannered and quiet/low energy by nature. She constantly gave patronising "advice" (actually just tolling her eyes and telling you what you did wrong and "if you'd only listen to advice she wouldn't be so shy/energetic/fussy/sensitive"). She then had a fourth who never slept a wink, fussy eater, screamed the house down every night from 4-12pm, could be relied upon to throw the mother of all tantrums during the wedding speeches etc. My aunt suddenly stopped being quite so much of a know it all and constantly reminds us "you can't change a child's temperament" .
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