Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off by this comment

60 replies

TellMeItsNotTrue · 06/12/2019 14:49

First day taking the DC to school for a while because I've been in hospital or unwell at home, DC and I happy and excited to be back to normal, and now just feeling so deflated and dreading going out to pick DC up soon

I have 3 DC and circumstances that I'd rather not go into, that other mum is well aware of, means that this Christmas will be tighter than normal. She is a mum at school, I'd say our DDs are friends and we are friendly but not friends as such

She came out this morning with "You just don't know how hard it is when your child's birthday is 6 weeks before so close to Christmas, you have double the amount to pay out" and then went on and on about it

It would be insensitive normally, but given that she knows things are tighter than normal at the moment, it really pissed me off this morning and it's left me feeling shit the rest of the day.

She has 1 DD and I have 3 DC, so even paying out for birthday and Christmas 6 weeks apart means 2x£ for her and 3x£ for me. She has a DH earning big bucks and she doesn't work through choice, plenty of money for weekly haircuts and getting her nails done etc, I am a single DM and don't spend on myself as I'd rather it all went on the DC.

I am only saying about her lifestyle to not dripfeed show that it's not just number of kids, she has it a lot easier anyway, I would never judge her or mention it normally to her or anyone else. I don't take advantage in any way, if she asks my DD to go somewhere then I either say yes and send money with her, or say we already have plans if I can't afford it. I don't mention its that I can't afford it because I don't want to go on about money or make her think I want her to pay / make her feel obliged to offer, but she knows I struggle and will struggle more for the foreseeable so she can't say she didn't know because I never mention it.

So - AIBU to think she was really insensitive, and to be pissed off/feeling crap

OP posts:
EL8888 · 06/12/2019 15:40

It sounds like you were being overly sensitive. To be fair lm assuming you chose to have 3 children and that isn’t cheap

KurriKurri · 06/12/2019 15:44

I think it is all too easy to make assuptions about other people's circumstances when you are feeling down. It sounds as if she was just making conversation but because you are feeling the pinch and havedifficult circumstances you have related it to yourself, when in fact it was just a general remark.
I have two children - both born within a week of Christmas. yes it made Christmas an expensive time of year.
Between my first and second child I had a series of miscarriages and losses, if during that time I had come on here and seen someone complaining about having 3 children I'd have felt a bit sad
The point being - we all have things we moan about - there is always someone better off than you and always someone worse off. The only thinkg that matters is doing the best you can for and with your family according to your circumstances. Money isn't the most important thing in children;s lives, having a loving family is - and it sounds as if you are rich in that respect.
It takes a while to get over hospitla stays and illness, or to adjust to coping with new health situations, concentrate on your own health and well being and don't let casual remarks upset you - it really isn't important in the big picture.

Sewrainbow · 06/12/2019 15:53

You are being insensitive. She was making conversation albeit boring and moaning conversation...

I doubt she remembered your circumstances whilst kpaning about her own, don't take it to heart

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2019 16:00

YABVU

Other people are allowed to have things going on in their lives too.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 16:00

as all the above

especially BU to mention it's financially easier with 1 child than the 3 you chose to have. Well yes, but her comments have absolutely nothing to do with you.

museumum · 06/12/2019 16:02

I think being deflated and dreading pick up is a huge over reaction. Possibly because you’ve been ill?
You could just have said “haha try having three children to buy for” and change the subject. Or even “yep I’m so glad our birthdays are in AirPrint, June and October to spread it out” or whatever.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2019 16:07

Sorry you’ve been so unwell OP but she wasn’t being mean or particularly insensitive. She was chatting. It’s what people do. None of your troubles are her fault and misery is relative.

IndecentFeminist · 06/12/2019 16:16

World doesn't revolve around you. 🤷

Pinktop · 06/12/2019 16:19

I think your own problems are just that. Your own. Our problems are not a benchmark for others to compare their problems too.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 06/12/2019 16:25

If this was a friend I would be inclined to agree with you, but you said you are friendly, but not friends, so I'd let it drop.

whateverhappenstheremore · 06/12/2019 16:37

Errr you chose to have three children - that's not her problem, and everyone is entitled to have a moan. Pretty sure that a lot of people will think you are lucky compared to them so should you never complain?

Happygoldfinch · 06/12/2019 16:41

It sounds to me like she was simply starting a conversation. You're not at the centre of everyone's thoughts.

SandAndSea · 06/12/2019 16:47

I used to get upset about this sort of thing too. I had a friend who used to upset me regularly by starting sentences with, "You've no idea...!" Of course I had an idea!! Then I realised that for her it was like when I start with the phrase, "I can't tell you...!"

Maybe you could see it like that?

Runningonempty84 · 06/12/2019 16:55

Deflated and dreading pickup? Bloody hell, what an overreaction.
Is there more going on here, OP? These are the sorts of comments that wouldn't even register with me as something to be irked about.

Paddingtonthebear · 06/12/2019 17:04

Yeah I think you are being overly sensitive, she was just making conversation.

I have one child and many times parents with multiple children have told me how I don’t understand how tired/stressed/broke they are due to not having as many kids as they do. I roll my eyes internally every time. Bar the friends whose second/third children were twins, everyone else made the choice to have bigger families and with that comes address stress/expense Confused

Paddingtonthebear · 06/12/2019 17:04

*additional not address!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 06/12/2019 17:05

I think you're bing over sensitive. Sounds like she's just making chat.

CharityConundrum · 06/12/2019 18:19

I agree - you are probably so focused on getting through Christmas yourself, that you are looking at everything through the prism of your worries. She isn't getting at you or ignoring your issues - she probably just wanted strike up a conversation and went for something universal and the cost of Christmas seemed like fairly neutral ground. There's very little conversation to be had that doesn't potentially upset or offend someone in a different position to you - you just have to assume that most people are fairly pleasant/making conversation and not let stuff get to you.

Original poster
TellMeItsNotTrue · 06/12/2019 20:57

Totally accept the MN jury, I think people are right about me feeling more vulnerable, normally I'd have brushed it off - I did speaking to her, I mean once I was home

I totally accept it was my choice to have 3 DC, though I certainly didn't know at the time what life had in store for me, and I'm very conscious about not making out I have it harder just didn't want to dripfeed in fact, with a supportive family close by i have it a lot easier than most.

My eldest DDs birthday is actually still to come before Christmas, and she knows that, but I don't see it as any different because her birthday would have been at some point through the year so I budget/save for hers the same as her DS and DB birthdays

OP posts:
InACheeseAndPickle · 06/12/2019 21:00

It was a slightly thoughtless comment but maybe not quite as insensitive as you're making out. I think it was just small talk you make around Christmas.

Butchyrestingface · 06/12/2019 21:01

Meh, a minor faux pas.

pinkstripeycat · 06/12/2019 21:02

My DS birthday is 7 weeks b4 Xmas and it’s not a problem. I know both xmas and DS birthday are coming 12 months before the date so I plan for it. This mother is being daft and as others say just making chit chat. I have 2 jobs over 6 days a week and have a lazy DH so run the home aswell and my SIL doesn’t work and all she goes on about it how hard her life is. I just nod and smile

Ginger1982 · 06/12/2019 21:08

Sounds like a throwaway comment to me.

kateandme · 06/12/2019 21:31

no matter waht you have.or what others think you have based on sight.you can always always have shit going on.or find things fucking tough

kateandme · 06/12/2019 21:37

its really hard not to be thoughtless sometimes TellMeItsNotTrue but i think the difference is who its from.even my mum sometimes says something that makes me upset,but i know from her she has slipped up.we all do it.because its what humans do.and i know from my mum that deep down she would never ever hurt me.therefore it passes.
so only you know this lady.and whther she was being a bit snipey or just wanting a good moan with a friend.and she probably had it with you because you of all people wont judge her.you know how hard things can be so can be empathetic.and empathy means it comes to all things.
sh might have more than you.but her more sometimes gets to her if that makes sense.
and of course it was right for you to have your 3 beautiful dcs.we cant plan out all there years with money and circumstances! shit happens.and hell does it often happen.
so lean on her too.be there for eaohter.
im sorry your having a tough time.no matter what your kids just want you and love.so dont put pressure on yourself.there comes a time when we see what our parents can and cant do it we dont judge them because they love us and would give us the world if they could.thats all you need.