A smoking one

[RubberUnicorn]

Need some brutally honest opinions please, I will try to keep this brief -
DH and I both used to smoke. I quit cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant. This was 2017.

Our first baby DS was stillborn at 38 weeks (relevant).
We went on to have DD born 2018 happy and healthy and I am now expecting our second son, due March 2020.

DH has never quit smoking the whole time.
I have told him about the risks of "third hand" smoke, ie he needs to wash, brush teeth change clothes etc before being anywhere near DD and has to stay away for at least half an hour.

I told him that if he doesn't do this it increases her chance of SIDS quite dramatically and quite frankly that is not a risk I am willing to take.

He seemed to be on board, even cried when I told him. This was a year or so ago.

Fast forward to now, he's still smoking (does it when he's at work, in his van, etc) doesn't do it at home but hasn't been bothering to change his clothes or shower when he gets home. It's only recently I've smelt it on him a couple of times and he's admitted he'd never stopped in the first place (I thought he had because he's got a vape pen and thought he had weaned off the fags).
So I am obviously furious that he's been exposing DD to the filth that he puts into his body and equally annoyed that he had no intention of stopping.
I asked him yesterday if he was also aware that if I am exposed to the residues it can increase the risk of birth deformities and even stillbirth for our unborn child. He wasn't.

It's not just the fact that he's unwilling to quit - I know I can't make him, it's just his whole "I don't give a shit, I want to do it so I will" attitude. He's completely arrogant, wont apologise or seemingly accept that what he has done/is doing could potentially be so damaging to our family, it's really upset me and I'm not even sure I want him around me or DD right now.

He's said he will start having showers, washing his clothes straightaway etc but I don't know whether I should give him the chance to fuck it up again - he said he'd do all that over a year ago and he hasn't.

Maybe I'm overly paranoid, maybe everything will be fine but the thought of losing another baby, whether it be DD or DS (or both!!) is just so unbelievably crushing. Why should he be allowed to not take a bit of responsibility for his actions?

So, AIBU to have this view and to be fuming mad and questioning our marriage? Or am I overreacting?
Interested to hear what others think/would do.

His cigarettes mean more to him than either you or his children.
I’d ask yourself some tough questions about whether you want to stay with a man who shows no sign of loving you or caring about you. Or your DC.

That's an obscene stretch! (even by Mumsnet standards). He doesn't love his wife and children and cares more about cigarettes than them? Absurd.

OP, I totally understand your concerns based on what you've been through but I would have to say that you are being (understandably) unreasonable.

I would worry that the damage to your marriage this conflict could cause may well eclipse any (unproven) risk to your child.

How difficult would it be to just stick on a nicotine patch instead of smoking?

I would think still very - otherwising quiting would be fairly easy, which even non-smokers know it’s not

How difficult would it be to just stick on a nicotine patch instead of smoking? He wouldn’t even have to deal with cravings.

Wow, you really have no understanding of the level of addiction involved in cigarettes/smoking . I craved a lot even on the highest patch. I craved even after finishing a course of bupropion.

This is why it's important to just not date a smoker because you cannot force someone to quit. You literally can't. They have to really really really want to stop. Shaming, cajoling, etc won't do it.

But you do need to unclench a bit. I think as she lost a baby at 38 weeks she is entitled to do everything she can to protect this one...

I think as it is this important to you, he is BU to not want to quit.

Smoking is stupid anyway, doesn't he want to be around when his children grow up?

I’d ask yourself some tough questions about whether you want to stay with a man who shows no sign of loving you or caring about you. Or your DC.

But yet stayed with him to conceive 3 children.

doesn't he want to be around when his children grow up?

This.

I can understand why you'd be extremely upset. What is confusing me is that you've only just found out he still smokes, how has that happened? Has he purposefully lied to you so he doesn't have to do all that stuff when he gets in? I'm surprised you couldn't smell it, he can't be smoking much? His van would of stunk too.

Me and my brother have got asthma and multiple allergies to dust and fur, pollen, all sorts. We have no immune system at all, we've both got constant colds and flu like symptoms for most of winter it could be a coincidence but we never had any other friends like us with the weird allergies, my brother also developed Crohns disease when he was 11. She smoked during pregnancy, in the living room, in our bedrooms, in the bathroom, in the kitchen whilst cooking, on the way to school, in my dads car! She always had a cig in her hand even if she wasn't smoking it she'd light it and let it burn down whilst she read a book. No room was safe, even on holiday we'd have to sit with her in the smoking rooms at airports I swear every cig she lit for 16 years I inhaled, house plants, light bulbs, windows, ceilings were sticky and stained . When my son was born I stopped going to their house, only when he was over 1 did I go and I'd sit in the garden with him. She's always refused smoking could cause asthma or anything else! Now he's 3 I'm less anxious and I can see the other side about car fumes etc and it's a losing battle really. I did want to give my son the best start though just incase the smoking made a difference.

I understand a bit of how you feel but I've never suffered a loss like you have, I'm so sorry you have been through that. Don't split up with your husband, you need to talk to each other and find a way to make it work. Even if you split up he will still smoke and your children will go to his house, in his car etc. It isn't a solution at all.

I used to smoke (quite a lot) and quit before we started ttc. Rightly or wrongly, I would be really angry in your position too. I know how hard it is to quit, and I do feel for your husband in that regard, but I don't think you're unreasonable to be angry.

He says he doesn't smoke every day, he works outside a lot as he is a surveyor but he also admitted to me yesterday that he smokes in the van too. I very rarely go in his van as I have my own car and it's not practical for travelling with DD anyway as it's only got a bench seat in the front and not loads of room.
I have suspected for a while that he is covering up a smoke smell in the van as there is always a fairly strong scented air freshener in there and I have thought on more than one occasion that could smell the smell of smoke underneath it, if that makes sense.

I don't know how I've not smelt it on him until recently tbh, he does have different sets of clothes for high visibility purposes so I suppose he could be wearing these at the time. I didn't dissect his exact movements and what happens to be honest. I just know he doesn't come home and have a wash/change clothes etc and he hasn't done since I spoke to him about this last year. I asked him yesterday if it was recent that he has started smoking again, which he said no.

I don't know if he had purposefully hidden this from me - I suspect so because he would have know I would have been upset about it.

He kissed me the other day when he came home and I could smell it in his beard and that obviously made me ask him too. I reminded him then about what we had previously discussed - having a wash etc when he comes home (which he hadn't done on this occasion and already been around/kissed DD) - he said he "forgot", which isn't really good enough imo.

It's a hard one this

Surely you must understand that when you go out you and your born/unborn children will come into contact with people who smoke? Are you expecting your friends and family who smoke to shower, get changed and brush their teeth when they see you? Do you just stay indoors 24/7? People in shops/cafes/cinemas/pubs ect smoke so unless you hide yourself and the kids away constantly you CANT avoid third hand and even second hand smoke.

I really really do understand your anxiety over losing another baby and wanting to do everything in your power to avoid that happening again, I really respect you for it as plenty of mothers don't care and will smoke/take drugs while pregnant and around their young kids and it makes me feel sick. However, I think you've gone too far the other way. Particularly with how you made it clear you don't want him going near your kids if he hasn't completely changed his clothes and showered after having a cig.. that is really ott and that sort of control and pressure isn't going to convince him to stop. All he'll hear is you giving him ultimatums or you'll stop him seeing his children.

Quite frankly the more pressure someone puts on me to do something the more I don't want to do it, particularly if I believe the reasons why aren't good enough. I think you need to focus on supporting him to stop smoking when he's ready rather than going in all guns blazing, it's the alarmist overreaction which will encourage him to lie to you.