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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

niece- boyfriend age/age difference

41 replies

juancarlos · 06/12/2019 08:37

hi all,

apologies for duplicating this post from a different forum I posted it in the wrong one originally and didn't know how to move it

im just after the general thoughts on family dispute that im in the middle of regarding my niece and her boyfriend. its bit of a long story so here goes.....

my sisters daughter has been dating a guy since she just turned 14 (18 months or so ago)according to the date she changed her relationship status on facebook, so she may have been 13 really and he would have been 18. shes now 15. according to his facebook page he turns 20 this month, although my sister reckons he's 19 this month(he's since changed his security settings to hide his age). my sister not only seems fine with this age difference, but she actually drives my niece the hour or so to his house so she can spend the night there. not only is it my sister ok with the situation, every other single member of my side of the family seems fine with it. he' gets invited to family meals, the lot.

the actual dispute kicked off about a month a go. I have a 9 year old daughter who I've tried to keep away from any event that he was going to be at, as shes at an impressionable age and I don't want her growing up thinking that's ok to date 18 year old guys whens shes 14. for my daughters birthday, she wanted to go out for a family meal, so we asked everyone in my family . my sisters response was " is it ok if gert brings bert?" (not their real names). my sister being quite volatile, I tried to be diplomatic, and just said, "maybe next time, mary doesn't really know him and she just wants to keep it family" . she still spat her dummy out and said we were pathetic and gert was so upset that none of her lot were coming to the meal out of protest.

anyway, we got to the restaurant on the night and only my mum and dad showed up from my side of the family. I was determined not to get draw into the conversation and ruin the night but the pratically the first words out of my mums mouth were " how come bert wasn't allowed to come?" my wife quickly told it wasn't the time or the place and the rest of the meal went off with nothing more that an uncomfortable atmosphere.

I phoned my mum when we got home to explain in so uncertain terms why I didn't want him around my kids, and that I thought he was a perv and that if is was a sexual relationship (as the stories going around her school were reporting) its statutory rape. and the jist of her response was that she "wasnt going to take sides, and that I cant tell my sister that as she would " be upset" " and she didn't think they are sexually active anyway. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she thought I was overreacting. a few weeks pasted and I justkept away from them all til I calmed down. but e saw my mum and dad the other day, and my mum said that its " probably best " if I don't go to the family get-together we usually have down their house on boxing day!!(presumably because bert will be there) and that we should go down the following evening instead.

just to give a few other brief examples of what I've had to deal with the past...

-my sister had a go at my wife being overprotective of my daughter for not letting her play out in the street on her own when she was 3.
-when my niece was 12, my sister fell out with me because I told my niece to stop using the 'F' work in front of my6 year old daughter
-also when she was 12my niece announced she was in a relationship with a 16 year old that she met online that lived at the opposite end of the country. my sister actually let her make the 300 odd mile journey with my uncle and auntie to go and meet him!!( massive fallout from this was the reason why I kept quiet for so long about her current "romance"

didn't mean this to be such an epic post. but just needed to get it off my chest.

am I overreacting to the whole? I feel like the black sheep of the family for not wanting to invite a paedo out for tea

if anyones managed to read the whole of that post any honest opinions on the matter would be appreciated

OP posts:
easyandy101 · 06/12/2019 08:54

Nah, rotten

Eggies · 06/12/2019 08:58

YANBU I'm sorry but your family sound like they're absolutely devoid of a moral compass, common sense, and basic parental instincts. Your poor niece. She will probably hate them down the line for the way they've 'raised' her.

nonevernotever · 06/12/2019 09:03

I wouldn't be using the word paedo but I certainly would not be comfortable with this situation or your family's apparent lack of acceptable boundaries.

RedHelenB · 06/12/2019 09:04

I don't think your 9 year old would really think much if Bert was there. I think you want to feel morally superior to your family and in that case then there will be fallout

I do agree that the relationship shouldn't be happening however but I dont think a family rift will.stop it.

Eggies · 06/12/2019 09:10

He is morally superior to them RedHelen..

Rosepetals30 · 06/12/2019 09:11

It’s not fucking on, and anyone who allows an underage girl to date someone of that age needs their heads looking at

I have a sister who was left with a baby underage, legally homeless and now a court trial over her head

My mother was neglectful, she didn’t give a shit.

You’re not wrong for standing up for what you believe in but it’s going to fall upon deaf ears.

Your 9 yr old probably won’t understand but I’ve now had the sticky process of explaining to my kids about my sister.

The situation has the potential to grow arms and legs before you even know it

7dayslater · 06/12/2019 09:16

It's weird, and you're perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable with it. I don't know what you can do but stand your ground in this situation though.

I met my DP when I was 15 & he was 19. However, the circumstances were very different in that I was at college with him (I started a year early, it's how we met), and we didn't begin our relationship until I was over 16. My DP is a caring, respectful man and nobody questions the four year age gap now we're in our 20s.

Original poster
juancarlos · 06/12/2019 09:34

I don't WANTt to feel morally superior to my family. I sat back and held my tongue for 18 months. i had accepted that saying anything was only going to cause a rift and was prepared to just tell little white lies to keep my kids away from them. i even tried to tell a little white lie to let them down gently when they asked if he could come my kids birthday party. but they would let it go so forced me to show my hand

I've been dragged unwillingly into this and now im being made out to be the bad guy by them

OP posts:
Charm23 · 06/12/2019 09:45

What a crappy situation. I'd feel so immensely annoyed for being uninvited to family Boxing Day celebrations. They're basically choosing him or you and your family.

Charm23 · 06/12/2019 09:46

over*

Softskin88 · 06/12/2019 09:50

Dangerous situation that.

15 and 20 is way too big an age gap.

Even if she’s mature and he’s immature.

That’s a recipe for lifelong regret for her and him ending up in jail/on a register.

formerbabe · 06/12/2019 09:52

God, that's awful

Newmumma83 · 06/12/2019 10:02

Your not wrong , but your gonna come off as the bad guy x

RainbowAlicorn · 06/12/2019 10:28

YANBU your family is really letting your niece down terribly. They should be protecting her, she will resent them in years to come.

RedHelenB · 06/12/2019 10:32

Just to make it clear I dont think you're wrong but I think the fact you are out of kilter with your family means that its inevitable that the split will occur.

littlepaddypaws · 06/12/2019 10:40

totally dyfunstional way of thinking. tbh i would be loosening ties with them abit for obvious reasons.

just5morepeas · 06/12/2019 10:48

You're not in the wrong.

If you don't feel comfortable with you daughter being around them then how much do you really want to do with them? It's no small thing to think about breaking ties with your family but these are not inconsequential issues.

They are not safeguarding your niece at all and never have done if they let her play out alone at the age of 3!

TammyKat · 06/12/2019 10:49

Definitely not in the wrong. I was in a relationship with this age gap and it was not healthy at all

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 06/12/2019 10:52

Yanbu. I was in a similar situation to your niece when I was 15, I’m now in my 30s and that “relationship” really messed me up. My mum was very distracted and emotionally neglectful and i now wish so much that someone had told me it wasn’t ok.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 06/12/2019 10:54

I have a 14 year old daughter and I would not allow her to date an 18/19 year old. Never. Thankfully she has a boyfriend in her class at school, and they're too frightened to speak to one another. In fact, they've only spoke once since they begun 'dating' when he asked her if she wanted to wear his hat at lunchtime!

There's an enormous difference between someone who is 14 and someone who is 18.

But I'm not sure what you can do without appearing as the bad guy. I'm just shocked the mother is okay with it. And sleep overs?!!

Like a previous poster, I knew my husband (8 years older than me) when I was growing up, I had a huge crush on him and he was my friend's older brother. But no way on earth would my parents have ever, in a month of Sunday's, let me date him when I was 14! I eventually got my claws into him when I was 19 😈

Must be a horrid situation for you OP Flowers

Bunney2020 · 06/12/2019 11:08

I'm probably going to be slated here but just wanted to give my experience with regards to the age gap. I was in a similar relationship at that age (14-17/18). I wasn't coerced into anything. I was very advanced emotionally, mentally, physically and I dare to say sexually, compared to my peers. My parents hated the relationship but knew driving a wedge in would make it worse. We had a good relationship growing up my father was angry a lot but always around and I knew he loved me, mum was always there for me and loved me unconditionally so no parent issues. They never let me stay over at his (I did) or him into my room with the doors shut so they tried to put some boundaries in place, and they we're very much in un-ventured territory. 18yo only had relationships since with women around his own age since then so certainly wasn't a peado or pervert, nor is he in prison. I am not emotionally damaged from that relationship in fact i look back on it and him fondly. But realistically it could be a dangerous position and I appreciate that is what you're worried about. I know if it was my child I wouldn't be advocating it either but I just wanted to give a more positive experience.

Do you have a relationship with your niece outside of your sister? Would a chat with her alone go down well? Or an email / text / whatsapp to speak to her like an adult and address any concerns directly with her? I would say 18 months is a long time for a lot of relationships now. How is he as a person outside of the relationship if you know? Job, friends etc?

It does seems your sister hasn't done that great of a job with boundaries and you DN has record for spending time with older men, the swearing etc. Your sister is the one to blame in this but perhaps she knows that so is lashing out at any criticism? It's a really horrible situation OP and I can't advise what to do because I think anything you do will make you the bad guy. Realistically all I think you can do is instil in your niece that if she has anything she needs to talk to an adult about but can't talk to her parents then you're there and won't judge or tell anyone etc.

MsMellivora · 06/12/2019 11:08

Awful, just be glad that you know the difference between right and wrong and will protect your DD.

Families really don’t want to think anything is wrong with them and just blank out stuff they don’t like. My family are questionable like this and I have chosen to keep dc away from them and rarely see them. I sometimes feel very sad about this but realise I miss the family that I should have had.

I have been accused of being a snob before by the one of the most deviant of my family, I take that as a compliment.

MzHz · 06/12/2019 11:35

Ew @juancarlos your sister is a really shit parent! I’d have nothing to do with her, and she’d certainly come nowhere near my dc.

Feel sorry for your niece, but you can only help if that help is wanted.

Original poster
juancarlos · 06/12/2019 11:37

i don't really have any one to one contact with my niece since the original fallout out when my niece was 12. im starting to think that maybe shes following in her mothers footstep, in being a troublemaker. since the original fallout, shes made a point of tagging my wife in on any photo's of her wearing clothes that a 12 years just shouldn't be wearing, drinking Smirnoff ice. maybe its a cry for help, or maybe shes just trying to provoke any feud.... my feeling is the latter

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 06/12/2019 11:42

Yanbu, this is foul.
How can any responsible parent think this is ok?
You’re best off out of it and I wouldn’t even bother with these enablers anymore

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